My cousin Rebecca (28F) is getting married next month and my mom (52F) expects me (24F) to go. The problem is Rebecca and I haven’t talked in like 3 years after this huge fight we had about something really stupid. She blocked me on social media and everything.
The wedding is also a 6 hour drive away and I’d have to take time off work and get a hotel room. Plus I don’t know anyone else going except my parents and my awkward uncle. Rebecca didn’t even send me an invitation directly, my mom just told me I was expected to be there.
When I told my mom I wasn’t planning to go she absolutely lost it. Started crying and saying I’m tearing the family apart and how embarrassed she’ll be when people ask where I am. She keeps saying family is family and I need to be the bigger person. Now my dad is involved and he’s doing that disappointed dad thing where he doesn’t say much but you know he thinks you’re being selfish.
But like, why should I spend money and vacation days to sit awkwardly at a wedding for someone who clearly doesn’t want me there? If Rebecca wanted me there she would have reached out herself right? I feel bad that my mom is upset but I also don’t think I should have to pretend everything is fine just to keep the peace.
TL;DR: Refusing to go to estranged cousin’s wedding, mom is devastated and making me feel like a selfish brat
Comments
Wrong sub, but here to say NTA.
Your mom is guilt tripping you. The only TIFU would be falling for it. Do the same thing parents do to kids throwing a tantrum next time she try that and cry and yell louder than her about how her behavior is tearing your life apart.
NTA. You’ll have an awful time at that wedding and you know it. Don’t please others when it costs you happiness.
You didn’t even receive an invitation so it’s a moot point.
“I wasn’t invited, and even if I was, I won’t be able to go.” End of discussion.
>didn’t even send me an invitation
You didn’t get an invite, you shouldn’t go. You didn’t and can’t RSVP, so you can’t go. Simple as that. You’d really have a tifu if you randomly rocked up to a wedding you weren’t invited to and didn’t have a seat for. If your mum has a problem with it, she can ask rebecca to send you an invite.
You weren’t invited.
Why would you be expected to go?
It would be weird for you to go.
“Mom, I would be intruding on Rebecca’s big day. If she wants me to be there, she will have to let me know. You wanting me to be there isn’t sufficient, it’s her wedding, not yours. The only way I can ruin a wedding I am not invited to is by attending.”
I am a wedding photographer. Unwanted relatives showing up is a mess. If your cousin is still angry at you, you could end up in some bizarre confrontation with a groomsman or venue employee or whatever. Weddings are all about drama.
You’d fu more if you went. You weren’t invited, they didn’t plan for you, they would have to plan around you if you stayed. Your parents are not seeing this rationally.
When people ask where you are your Mom could just say the truth, that you weren’t invited. Why does it have to be more? I would never show up at any invite only event I wasn’t invited to.
You didn’t get an invite. You said you don’t know anyone else there besides your parents and (I’m assuming) the father of the bride? So no other family members will be there? Or it’s family that you have never met before and have no relation to. So how on earth would that count as “tearing the family apart” by not going? Can’t break what never existed in the first place.
On the bright side, if your mom guilt trips you into going we get a TIFU by going to my cousin’s wedding.
Ahhhh yes, nothing to says family bonding like attending a six hour away wedding for someone who blocked you on everything. Cant wait to toast to the happy couple with a side of unresolved trauma and awkward silences
Like .. Who blocked who here? If your cousin wants you to attend, she could have sent an invitation and at least made an attempt to mend fences. You could have maybe told your mom something along the lines of, “Hey, I didn’t get an invitation, so I didn’t RSVP or anything because I just kinda assumed she didn’t want me there. If she seriously wants me there, I’d rather hear it directly from her rather than risk ruining her big day by showing up where I’m not wanted.”
You are an adult. Your mom needs to recognize that. You make your own decisions on what you want. People are always quick to dictate when you should sacrifice. Fuck that noise.
I’d just call someone who could put her on the phone, you put her on speaker and make sure your mom is paying attn, and be like, “listen, you didn’t send an invite to me, so you do not want me to come, correct?” And if she says you are correct or just hangs up on you, tell your mom have fun, you’ll be places where your presence is wanted.
You and your cousin don’t talk, you fell out 3 years ago and now she’s getting married and has chosen not to invite you.
That’s seems pretty clear cut that you’re not welcome there.
I would say the best thing you could do is reach out and give her your best wishes for her big day.
If she actually wants you there she will respond with an invite.
This a pre-TIFU.
The actual TIFU is if you show up to a wedding you weren’t invited to.
Your parents can just suck it up. You’re an adult, just go about your say as you normally do, if you parents bring it up, shut it down. You weren’t invited, there’s nothing to discuss.
You were not invited. Ask mom to show you the envelope that her invitation came in. If it says Mr and Mrs Last name. That is for your parents. If it also said and family, and listed your name on the inner envelope, that would include you. But since you are an adult, with your own mailing address, the proper thing is to send you an invitation. Since you did not get one, you are not invited. Tell mom she is being rude assuming you are invited.
Family is loved unconditionally, show up. break the trend.
Mom is being very dramatic here. I’d feel uncomfortable as well if there was no personal invite! Maybe ask the cousin? I understand that it could be kind of strange to ask her though.
Your mom is an idiot if she thought dragging you into a wedding where the bride has deliberately blocked you on social and left you off the invitation list is a wise choice.
If you think it’s bad now it will be infinitely worse to go to a wedding you weren’t invited to by someone who blocked you. Your mom will also be blamed for facilitating this. I’d remind her of that.
Nope. Don’t go. She didn’t invite you so she doesn’t want you there. And your mom needs to accept that. It’s actually MORE embarrassing for you to go and basically be a “wedding crasher”. And then your cousin will just shit talk even more. And people will believe it because it’ll look like you tried to force yourself into a space that you weren’t wanted in. And I’d tell your mom exactly that.
Your Mom thinks you attending will patch things up. It won’t. It doesn’t sound like you are actually invited.
Either stand your ground or tell your Mom you will only come if Rebecca phones you directly and asks you to.