Has anyone struggled with always feeling like the “man” in their relationships?

Yes I know it’s a heteronormative title but hear me out.

Whenever men complain about women needing a man to “take care of them” I want to bash my head into a wall. Because that was ME in my relationships.

I know it’s partly my fault. When I was young and dumb I gave a guy “a chance.” He was older than me but acted younger and turned out to be a total abuser/creep. The guy after that wasn’t a creep, but certainly not a good partner. Anything that needed to get done was on me. He wanted to quit his job with no backup plan? Cool I’ll keep my job I despise and pay all the bills. He wants to get drunk? Sure I’ll pick him up and he can complain about my driving.

Yes! I was a pushover. I learned to stick up for myself and we broke up.

Recently I found another guy. Total opposite of that guy. Kind! Considerate! However, I began to discover how totally underdeveloped he was. He was getting his shit together after recent sobriety (another thing I learned, don’t date someone early into their sobriety). But I quickly realized that he wasn’t going to do the things he needed to be a real adult. One day he put his hand on my thigh while I was driving him home from work and I just felt gross. I KNOW that sounds awful, but you have to understand that this was a straw on the camels back.

I know this is a major rant. I’m just saying I’d love to find one of these “masculine” men who takes care of their partners. I’m not sure they exist. I’m tired of being the one carrying the weight.