I’m looking for ways men here would like to be approached, what I should or shouldn’t say. I must be doing something wrong because our discussion either ends up in him getting annoyed at me and giving me the silent treatment, or he’ll change for a week and it’s back to the old ways.
Honestly at this point I’m not even looking for washing dishes, vacuuming, cooking. I’m just wanting him to help me pick things up around the house. We have a special needs child, and everything is falling on me.
I was sick the past week with the flu, right after we came back from a trip. The suitcase was at the front door where we left it for a week. He takes what he needs out of it, and leaves everything there. My child made a mess everywhere, in places very obvious where you’d have to step over them. And my husband just left them. Waits for me to make breakfast and leaves the food on the table after he finishes eating for me to clear the table. Even though I was sick, I was the one looking after our child. My husband not once took initiative and if I ask, you can tell he’s not very happy. When he’s sick, he gets uninterrupted rest upstairs in the bedroom.
Also want to add he’s been unemployed for half a year. You’d think having your husband home would mean less work for you, but no, I feel so much more exhausted these past 6 months. I feel like I have two children to take care of and look after. And no he’s not depressed. In fact he’s enjoying this time off. And even when he was working, he was the same.
I’ve cried so many times to him to take our child out so I can have a break. Just go for a drive. He refuses. All child care is on me. He never does anything for our child. I feel so mentally drained and have carer burnout of raising a special needs child by myself.
At this point, as I said, I don’t even want him to cook or clean. Just do the very basic things like if he sees the half eaten apple that’s been on the floor for days while I’m sick, pick it up. Don’t leave open chip bags everywhere in the house. Put away when you’re done. Put your own things you want in the suitcase by yourself instead of needing my help to do it.
He grew up in a culture where women do everything and men do nothing in the house. And he was the youngest child, his next older sibling is over 10 years older. So he was spoiled as well which made things worse I think.
I’m just wondering, am I doing something wrong in how I’m approaching these discussions with me? Maybe men here can help me out. I’d really appreciate it.
Comments
He didn’t want a wife he wanted mom 2.0.
Leave a list for him. I care very little about small cleaning tasks, but if it’s written down and left for me, it becomes a challenge to be overcome and I get to work without much thought.
Calmly sit him down and discuss it with him, if you haven’t already. Tell him that you envision your marriage as a partnership and he is not contributing. Tell him you are his wife, not his domestic slave or his mother. Finally, tell him that you did not grow up in his culture and that your expectations from the marriage are different from those his mother and female relatives had.
It sounds like you need to leave him.
I know your child has special needs which is understandable why you’d want to stay, but it support for them could be figured out, how would you feel about leaving then?
Yikes, you got a man child.
Without casting judgement the rest of the comments section will say and more, I will leave you with constructive feedback.
Say what you need done and nothing more except if you want it done right now or later.
“Husband, pick up all the stuff you left last in the living room last night. Now please.”
“Please take out the trash before going to bed tonight.”
Then since you have a man child you should probably thank him. It’s shit he should be doing as a man without needing to he told or thanked, but the praise helps reinforce desired behavior.
Idk if you really wanna drive it home give him a handjob but that’s asking a lot lol
The problem is not your delivery, it’s that he does not want to change. You are parenting, not partnering.
My wife and I went through this. Her perception of dirty and my perception of dirty are very different.
I need a list. Her argument is she shouldn’t HAVE to make a list.
Once she realized the list was more about developing muscle memory and getting me to notice how SHE sees things, shit got easier.
I don’t clean nearly as much as her, but I also do all the yard stuff, snow stuff, and repair stuff. We balance it out best we can.
I may not think the floor needs mopped for another week, and she’s totally fine with house issues that drive me nuts.
Start with a list. If it fails after that…… he’s being a turd.
Leave him.
And you married him why?
He’s happy with the current situation so nothing is going to change. There’s nothing to say if he’s happily watching the people who are supposed to be the closest to him drown, he is completely lacking in empathy and a desire to have a partnership with you, he’ll keep taking advantage as long as you stay.
Start making plans to separate from him, see what your options are and tell him nothing until you’re prepared, maybe even until you’re out of his life. He is not a dependable person and seems to have checked out of being a father because the child was not what he wanted.
Maybe tell him to stop being a lazy sack of shit and do something around the fucking house.
Don’t discuss it , tell him and tell him harshly if he doesn’t .. stop doing things for him, no food , no laundry, no nothing