Hi all, long time lurker first time poster on the sub. My (F30) MIL has some JustNo tendencies which have been slowly worsening over the years – the first turning point was after I got engaged to her son, and it’s taken another turn since I got pregnant with our first child. I will say I think there are some other things in her personal life impacting her behaviour as well, but as far as her behaviour towards us specifically is concerned, those are the two catalysts where it noticeably got a little more JN-ey.
Background: MIL and FIL live a 3 hour drive away. Neither husband or I especially enjoy going to visit them as they are generally tiring people and it takes a whole weekend, but we are largely on good terms – they (historically) mean well. Husband is MIL’s only child, but FIL has further children – all the family lives in one town, we’re the only ones who moved away. I am nearly 6 months pregnant, and we haven’t seen MIL/FIL in person so far in the pregnancy. However, we are due a visit next month for her birthday. This comes with certain demands eg she has planned our time to more or less ensure we can’t see the rest of the family, she’ll make some passive aggressive comments to me, do some guilt tripping, condescend to my husband and generally be overbearing. This is all stuff we’ve learned to navigate relatively well together all things considered and for the sake of one visit every 6 months or so I can suck it up. I feel like it sounds worse on paper!
The situation I’d like advice on: I am anticipating unsolicited pregnancy/baby advice/stories/demands when we visit, and I’d like to have some stock responses ready, where we can make boundaries clear and not be ambushed into agreeing to something (like, Christmas or visitations) without discussing it, and save myself from reacting over-emotionally (I know I am more irritable than usual now I’m pregnant!). Since we got pregnant, she’s made suggestions about “multigenerational living” (ie: she wants to move in when the baby comes) which husband shut down instantly, made some peculiar judgements on the fact that I don’t want to repaint a nursery while pregnant and that we think green is a fine colour for a nursery anyway, and there was a bizarrely manipulative attempt to find out what the baby’s surname will be (I did not take husband’s name when we got married) which involved some weird lies about “needing to put it in her will”. In short, she will certainly have lots of opinions about how I should act, how we should raise baby, when can she expect to see us and how much access she will expect to baby, etc.
What are some firm yet inoffensive phrases I can have ready to respond to her comments, guilt trips and questions and give to husband to use as well? I am not looking to be rude to her, just firm in setting expectations and boundaries. I’m thinking along the lines of “thanks for thinking of us, but we don’t know what X will look like for us yet” and “we’ve already decided Y on the advice of our midwife, thanks though”! What’s worked for others in the past? Anything else I need to be wary of with a MIL of this nature approaching birth?
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as bella16rose posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe bella16rose JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
WE will definitely discuss that with our medical team.
That is certainly something to consider.
We aren’t sure about that yet.
We’re not committing to any future plans (visitors, traveling to see them, holidays, etc) just yet. We want to settle in to this new life/settle in to a rhythm as a family of 3.
Thanks, we’ll keep that in mind.
Interesting; thank you.
“We will not even consider traveling with the baby until they’ve had their six month vaccinations.”
“Unfortunately, we do not currently have the ability to host anyone overnight. If you want to visit, you’ll have to look into a nearby hotel.”
“In the interest of the baby’s health, any visitors will need to be up to date on their vaccinations.”
“That doesn’t work for us.”
“That’s a discussion/decision for (husband) and I.”
“We’re not looking for any outside input/opinions.”
“(Husband) and I have it under control, thanks.”
Be prepared that no matter how polite you are, jnmil will throw a temper tantrum, because these kinds of people can’t handle even the most reasonable “no”
Im not committing to anything until I am out of the pp period.
For more intense pushing: I don’t want anyone to be surprised. Try to prepare yourself now for some of your expectations to fall through if it doesnt feel right to me.
And finally: a quiet “no, I don’t think so” while holding eye contact is so powerful. Repeat if necessary. It’s gentle parenting for adults
I think a key thing here is to be clear that you can’t commit to anything until the baby is at least 6 months. Assuming this is your first child, you should be prepared to accept that basically all of your expectations were wrong. You’ll surprise yourself with what you are able to do, but some simple things will become extremely difficult for you. Above all, time is going to become an extremely premium commodity, and expecting you take 3 hours to drive anywhere is a ridiculously high demand.
What might be good is to tell your JNMIL precisely how she CAN be helpful. Shutting her out completely doesn’t sound like an option. But if she can do some shopping for you that saves time and would probably be welcome.