My poor tired husband. I’m really grateful for this subredddit. I’m able to use it as a diary and receive some pretty decent advice. Recently, he met up wi the his mom for a birthday lunch. It was just the two of them since LO and I declined the “invitation”.
Side note: the invitation was MIL texting us asking DH, LO & I to plan an outing for her at a quote ‘nice beach’ and gave us the dates she was available for said get together.
So DH very nicely nixed that idea and took her to a restaurant instead. DH had to relay conversation for me since I was not there. But whoa it’s a lot. Luckily, my memory is insane and I can type out pretty word for word what he told me. I’m gonna try and write it in a script so there’s less he said she said..okay here we go.
DH told me lunch was going okay at first. Small talk, decent food when MIL finally asked where LO & I were.
DH: “(my name) messaged you back, they’re not coming today.”
MIL: “well I wanted to see LO. Where are they, what are they doing?”
DH: “IDK what they’re doing but they’re at home. Busy.”
MIL: “you know , it’s your fault I don’t get to see my grandchild.”
** DH is thinking how tf is this my fault. **
MIL: “ you don’t even try to bring LO with you. You should’ve just brought LO, even if (my name) doesn’t come.”
DH: “no that’s not something I would do. (My name) would not be okay with that right now.”
MIL: “so you’re just okay with that? You’re okay with me not getting to see LO?”
DH: “yeah, I’m okay with (my name) saying no to stuff, especially with how you’ve behaved. I support that.”
MIL: “I can’t believe this. You’re supposed to be the man of the house. You’re the head of the household. (My name) shouldn’t be allowed to tell you no on these things. You should be able to make (my name) come to our events and make her let you bring LO to see me. That’s what the man of the house does.”
DH: ** staring at her bc wtf **
DH: I would never put my wife and child in an uncomfortable situation. You have made things very uncomfortable for them and myself because you refuse to do anything other than your way. Your behavior has been the definition of insanity. You keep behaving the same way and expecting things to change. I’ve told you a bunch of times what needed to be done to repair things and you don’t do it. So yeah, I’m good with my wife’s decisions. We discuss and then we make decisions together.”
MIL: “you’re always on her side! You never even try to see my side or defend me.”
DH: “yeah, that’s my wife. She and LO are my family. I’m always on that side.”
~ pause for applause for DH~
MIL angrily shaking her head/crying: completely ignores the accountability check “well what was the conversation you guys had about them not being here today?”
DH: “none of your business. That’s between us.”
MIL: “well I’m your mom so I have a right to know what you guys discuss. You’re not respecting our culture (MIL & DH are a different race than me). It’s cultural to honor/respect your elders. When are you guys done shaming and disrespecting me? When is it enough?” MIL is angry crying/yelling at this point
DH: “ no ones shaming you. And you don’t get to use culture as an excuse for bad behavior. It’s not true and it’s a cop out for you to try and get your way.”
DH then continues to let her know how I feel & how he feels regarding everything that’s happened. She deflected a lot, made a ton of excuses. By this time the waiter came to ask if they wanted dessert, DH said absolutely not. They got up he told her he will always love her as his mom but won’t ever have a real relationship with her because of what’s been going on over these years.
So when DH gets home and relays all of this I am shocked, you guys. I genuinely thought they would have a decent time together and just eat and chat. I just feel bad for him that all these years later, she won’t change for him. I’m trying my best to be supportive and hear him out. But really, I want to jump up and kiss him for the way he rocked it, standing up for us like that. So I’ll do my cheering here.
I know this is hard and it completely sucks having a parent act like this, but I just want to give this man another baby! Go hubby go!
There’s a bunch more that I didn’t feel like typing out. I’ll probably add some in the comments later.
She will probably be calling/texting in the next few weeks asking for a sit down to “move forward” again.
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Other posts from /u/DollMonster:
Mother’s Day Success, 3 weeks ago
Holiday Dread , 7 months ago
It never ends..I’ve had enough, 9 months ago
MIL + First Birthday, 10 months ago
MIL Wants To Attend Therapy , 1 year ago
MIL on Need To Know Basis , 1 year ago
Christmas Cancer – Mother’s Day Melanoma?? , 1 year ago
How to support husband when going NC/LC , 1 year ago
Breaking Point – We’re Done , 1 year ago
Help – Baby & In Laws, 1 year ago
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Yay DH! That is exactly the way a healthy family is supposed to function. Husband and WIFE discuss, not Husband, Wife and MOM. When will these women get it into their heads that they aren’t a part of the marriage of their children!
I love your husband’s shiny spine!
Congrats on having a husband with a platinum spine.
You’re DH is the best part of this story!! I’m so proud of him!!!
MIL can want what she wants until the day she dies. But she’ll have to BEHAVE to get any part of it. She will either realize that and start behaving better (even while she hates it,) or she’ll force NC because she refuses to change in any way or take any accountability.
You just have to let it play out. But setting boundaries and consequences is what works.
you should absolutely jump on him and kiss him. He put his family first. Good dude
Your DH should offer a master class in spine-shining to other spouses who struggle with JN parents.
“Be a man, dont let a woman make her own decisions”. With a straight face two minutes later “you’re my son, you have to do as i say”