I feel bad about this to this day, it eats me alive. 27F.
Families cycled through the house across the street from me. The family that lives there now moved in when I was maybe 11, starting middle school. It was a blended family, 2 bio kids from dad, 2 bio kids from mom, and one bio kid from both mom and dad. The latter was the youngest and we’ll call him Luke. I think he was like, 5, very young when they moved there.
Some context: The very first day, we went over and said hi because they were around my little brother and I’s age. I don’t remember exactly what went down, but somehow I ended up in the mother’s car in her front seat, and she showed me pictures of her husband’s ex wife in lingerie. And then also herself and asked me to compare. I’m not even going to mince words here, I was dealing with gay thoughts at the time that I didnt understand, I DID understand that I was attracted to the mother, and at the time i didnt know why but I thought “don’t tell anyone because you enjoyed seeing that and maybe she’ll show you more.” Isnt that gross? I hate myself for that, number one. And also for not seeing it as a sign.
Another sign I missed because I was a selfish middle schooler is that Luke was showing weird behavior. Sometimes I’d watch the kids while the parents went out and they’d pay me. Luke was the nicest of them, probably because the rest were like “you’re our age why are you acting like the boss of me” so he hung out most around me in the living room or kitchen while the others played sports or video games in the yard or their own rooms. And one time he has me follow him and toddles behind the TV and grabs both of my cheeks with his baby hands- and it was alarming but like, I was 13 and I’d had babies grope my chest before so I didnt immediately think it was weird, until he “kissed” me? I guess it was really just pushing his mouth on mine, if that makes sense. It felt less sweet and more mean. And I fucking froze. It was so so so so so weird and I feel DISGUSTING for reacting that way because WHAT kind of person allows that to persist???? FOR even a moment????
I did stop him after my mind recovered but he kept trying to continue doing it, then threw a fit when I stood up and was out of his reach. I dont remember much except he tried to sit on me and climb me to keep it up and that he didnt try do anything “sexual”, he just wanted to kiss me? This might be the part I feel the most disgusting over because I see MYSELF as a predator. I felt so disgusted, but at the time I didn’t understand why, I just cried for hours about it and thought it was so weird that I let a baby kiss me. Cut to me being age 18 and I have the EXACT same response when a taxi driver forces me down and kisses me, I just stay still and dont speak or move. But i didnt even feel half as disgusting as with Luke.)
This all does also matter to explain why I feel disgusting for my INACTION AGAIN, because when I was 22/23 I came home during break and got drunk with my dad at new years. And me and my dad are massive gossips. He’s filling me in on everything about the neighborhood and suddenly drops this nuke: the mother across the street was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior on the oldest son (not luke, one of her stepkids). And I was sitting there thinking, I think I actually literally said out loud, “wow, I’d never have guessed.”
Luke had behavioral problems all throughout school and had to actually be sent to a military school. He broke into neighborhood houses and stole money. He beat up a little girl on the street. two years ago, i came home for Christmas and literally watched him get arrested in his driveway from my front porch for robbery.
I am in my mid twenties. I am a prosecutor specializing in sex offenses against children. I know now the general/broad signs and behaviors of both victims and predators. I HATE myself for not telling anyone what Luke did to me when he was so young because considering the mom’s charges I cant imagine it was something coincidental. I HATE myself for not realizing its STILL weird for a predator to show me pictures of scantily clad women, including herself, and that its NOT okay just because shes hot. If I had the fucking brain to TELL MY MOM like she TAUGHT me to tell, for EITHER thing, something could’ve happened! I could’ve prevented it! Whatever happened to Luke and the confirmed victim, it couldve been stopped, maybe??? maybe the lingerie pictures wouldnt have done much but it is NOT NORMAL for a baby to do that- and at the same time, what if I hurt luke MYSELF? I have literally thrown up thinking about this because for years and years and years I fully believed i molested him by not pulling away immediately. I still grapple with those thoughts. I do not know what the truth is. And even if I didnt, that doesnt mean it wouldnt feel that way to him. And I cant stop thinking about how if I responded immediately and swiftly maybe he’d also be hurt less
The confirmed victim of the mother ended up okay and he was a waiter at a restaurant I visited when I was studying for the Bar. I remember I gave him something like a 500% tip and ran out and cried in the car. There’s no way I didn’t do something wrong because otherwise I wouldn’t feel so fucking shitty.