I (22M) have been struggling to become the social person I want to be. I fear that I am constantly being judged during conversations, and I am worried to come off as weird. I often struggle to hold a good conversation because I am worried about how to keep the conversation going, instead of listening.
I dress well, sharp, I get told I am good looking often BUT I absolutely suck at being confident. I grew up with a stepfather who had the “tear ’em down to build ’em up” ideology, except he never built me up lol.
To those who are confident, what did you do? How do you hold a good conversation? How do you build yourself up to cold-approach someone? Feel free to be brutally honest with me.
Thank you in advance!
Comments
There are no shortcuts, it’s about your relationship and track record with your deepest self.
Everything else is posturing and a matter of getting a hammer big enough to break through.
So, lots of radical authenticity, starting with your own self. Resilience and unending curiosity. Life is an adventure, and you ought to be the main character in your story.
Martial arts helped me.
I stopped caring.
You’re only 22. You’ll get older and realize people don’t give a fuck as much as you think they do
As for me I’m currently conquering my fear of heights. Each weekend I’m summiting a mountain. Or looking over a high cliff. It’s my ultimate goal to do the beehive or precipice trail in Acadia. A trail that’s literally a cliff off of the side of a mountain. I’m fucking terrified but damn do I want to do this. I’m working on accepting the fear, fear is the little death that brings obliteration
In other words in order to get comfortable at something you must keep doing the uncomfortable
Delete all social media, or severely limit your consumption of it. I’m talking like 5 hours a week at the most. This will make you feel less self-conscious because you stop comparing yourself to people.
Get in shape if you’re not. You don’t have to be jacked. Just don’t be overweight.
Get a good skincare routine.
Learn new skills. If you want, I can provide lots of resources to do this.
Do hard things. MMA, lifting, really fitness in general, and becoming a Marine, all really helped me.
Maybe join a run club and work up to a marathon.
Your fear of being judged is real but do not forget that majority of the people are too busy with how they appear to pass judgment on you. You are both just men trying to sort it out.
Joined the army
One tip is to remember that we’re only the main character in our own story. People often have a tendency to believe people are thinking about us or focusing on us more than they really are. Understanding this can help reduce some of the anxiety around social or public interactions.
Challenge yourself by setting some goals. Working hard to reach those goals can build some confidence.
Learn the difference between thinking stuff and knowing stuff. Don’t share the stuff you think; it’s probably flawed. Speak of what you know. Come off confident and sure of whatever comes out of your mouth.
Changing my diet and being more active. Eating healthier and being more active doesn’t just make you look good, it legitimately makes you feel better inside. All the healthy nutrients really affects your brain chemistry. When you feel better inside, the confidence just comes naturally.
The only time I felt naturally confident is after I had exercised.
I ask for advice from older adults that I trust. Particularly people in management.
You’re still young, so you haven’t yet realized that hero fantasies don’t exist in the real world. You will be in largely the same headspace when you’re 65 that you were when you were 25, you’ll just have life experience that will increase your wisdom and decrease your sensitivity in the mean time.
EVERYBODY is faking it to some degree. The ones who aren’t are sociopaths.
I could go into why it’s harder to communicate confidently today than it used to be, but instead, I would simply suggest joining the Toastmasters. You’ll learn how to communicate and gather your thoughts quickly and confidently, tossing you directly into situations where you are addressing multiple people.
Doing good deeds for others always makes me feel confident
Hit the gym religiously and stopped caring about what other people thought about me.
I’m also 22 and I was same as you but then I joined a startup for a 6 months internship and my manager there was like my guru and because of him I’m quite confident now.
Start a new physical fitness hobby, such as MMA training, weightlifting or obstacle course/half marathon racing, & focus on nothing else but this hobby. No dating or relationships, period. Train your ass off for the 6 months.
Once you see improvements in your physique, start another hobby such as guitar lessons 🎸 then another, & another.
Women love men who have hobbies & talents 👍
Just get jacked. Women throw themselves at you dawg. Just kidding, just a bunch of dudes will tell you how jacked you’re getting. And now not only are you awkward af at 46 . Now women think you’re stuck up too 😂 😂
I was the same as you at your age. I had great parents and childhood, but moving to the country and being homeschooled from 11-15 meant I really missed out on a lot of social interaction during puberty
Also had crooked teeth because my parents couldn’t afford braces. Meant going back to school for grades 11-13 (was accepted into an extra year because of my performance in grade 12) so I had massive issues with confidence and was hyper self conscious for many years. Didn’t lose my virginity till I was 21, wasn’t in my first proper relationship till I was 25
I’m now 43, married to my dream partner, got my teeth fixed at age 34 and have heaps of self confidence compared to when I was younger. I still get really nervous about public speaking but that disappears if I have to and I’m into it after a minute or so
As you grow older you care less and less what others think of you. My best advice is to be patient and just do a little bit each day: can be gym, can be work, can be journaling, whatever resonates with you
Integrity is about doing the right things when no one is watching. Confidence is living your own values and own self validation. Arrogance is a form of insecurity, seeking the validation of others
Finally, embrace your weirdness. Because you’ll meet people who click with it, who want to be around you because of it
Joined the Navy in my senior year. Nuclear energy field. Got my cs degree paid for. Had kids paid for. Housing paid for. Pay sucks ass. It was worth it.
Jumped ship for a software company.