Boy moms, do you ever wonder if one day you’ll be the viewed as the unbearable MIL you vowed you’d never be when your son(s) creates a family?

FYI this is a long post

My MIL is someone that has objectively failed at being a mom, and unfortunately, also as a MIL.

For context, she grew up poor, married my FIL young, and ended up giving birth to my husband shortly after. Money was always an issue – so much so that they felt like they didn’t have a choice but to allow their 5 year old son to live with his drug addicted uncle under the same roof. So when my FIL got into an accident and couldn’t bring home any income, she later found an opportunity to immigrate elsewhere and divorced my FIL. From what I gathered, she never kept in contact with my FIL even though she could have, as a result, heightened the emotional disconnect between my husband and FIL. My husband would go on to see his dad five times over the course of 20 years because of financial issues and an emotional disconnect he was unable properly develop when he left his country of origin as a child.

She then she met another man and beared his son three years later, but because this man didn’t want anything to do with his kid, my MIL forced my husband to be the father figure of the family. My husband was in his tween years, didn’t have a father figure in his life, and suddenly was forced to be the mature, responsible, and wise man to care for the family.

My husband was also the least favourite grandchild because he’s the reflection of my MIL choosing to marry poor. And would as a result, be used as everyone’s punching bag (especially for my MIL because she worked long hours and had very little patience when my husband didn’t do things the way she wanted). But because of financial reasons, they all had to live in one house together and my husband became more and more reclusive because of the pressure placed on him – so much so that he wanted to commit suicide.

But despite all this woman has done to drag my husband through her horrific decisions, my husband has chosen to forgive her and look past it all.

So then when my husband and I started dating, I thought my MIL was really nice because while she is very selfish/traumatized, I think she is a good person at the core of her being. I should have caught on when my BIL and her would constantly argue and would spent months ignoring each other. But I overlooked it because we live in opposite sides of the country and she always had her best foot forward when I was around for limited periods of time.

Fast forward to when I gave birth to my son, I told my husband that since my MIL was so excited to see her grandchild, she could live with us for the first month. This was the absolute worst decision I ever made as she made my postpartum experience a shitshow. I emotionally and mentally shut down with all her demands and comments. That I shouldn’t let myself go after childbirth and stay attractive for him. That I shouldn’t smile too hard because my gum to teeth ratio isn’t balanced. That she couldn’t understand why I was so emotional. That I wanted privacy while nursing mg baby and not for you to walk in mid feeds. I am never good enough for her.

But of course, my husband chose me and she was upset with that so she stormed off without telling us where she was for 6-7 hours the last two days leading up to her flying back to her home city. My husband and her didn’t talk for 10 months after that.

I’m still very hurt by this experience because I saw her go completely berserk and until she acknowledges how awful she treated me, I don’t think I can get over it. But I know she won’t because she thinks I’m at fault for being too emotional and ungrateful.

Fast forward to present day, my BIL and MIL had a blow out fight (they haven’t talked since March). Long story short, she told my BIL who’s studying elsewhere that the house will be rented in two weeks. So then my BIL had to frantically look for a place to live.

The thing is, my BIL and husband have a great relationship and misses each other. So then I suggested that we go to a city we’ve never been to explore and make memories together. And my BIL said he doesn’t want my MIL fo come (which I don’t oppose to). But my husband said he doesn’t support it because she should be invited if his brother comes along.

I scoffed and said “your mother is crazy and she should be grateful that we still talk to her”.

My husband paused and replied “I wonder if you’ll keep this energy up when our son has a family of his own”.

I know I’m more stable and emotionally mature than my MIL and will accountability for my actions. My husband and I are also doing our best to curate a family environment for our son that is full of love and respect. And I wouldn’t ever consider pulling anything she’s done because she’s again, crazy.

But, karma is a bitch and you reap what you sow. And I don’t want to be in a position where my future DIL purposefully tries to distant my son from me (even if I try my best for her to like me).

So for the boy moms out there, have you ever wonder if you’ll be viewed as the horrific MIL you vowed you’d never be? If so, how should I handle this mindset and move forward in a constructive manner?

Thank you in advance!