I just got out of a toxic relationship with a man who at one point I thought I would have children with.
I’m reflecting on his behaviour, and there is no way to truly know his intent or why he did what he did. But in hindsight, his controlling behaviour seemed to stem from him being intimidated at the fact that I didn’t depend on him. I was with him because I loved him, not because I needed a man.
Financially? I’m stable. I can pay for myself. But he kept offering to pay for things, only to later use that as leverage for what I owed him (nightly backrubs 🤢. Like literally every night).
He didn’t like that I masturbated when he wasn’t around. He would never explicitly say that, because he “isn’t controlling.” But he would subtly shame me for it, and imply I’m a sex addict for masturbating every other night for ten mins. I think it scared him that no, I don’t need a relationship to feel sexually satisfied.
Emotionally, I have a very close family, friends, and an amazing best friend who is there for me no matter what. The gag is that I always turned to my bf for emotional support, so it’s not as if I was closed up. He just wanted to isolate me so that I would need him emotionally. Didn’t work lol.
He also got very insecure from the amount of men that would hit on me, and his friends who would hit on me in front of him. I never entertained it, but once this started happening, he got crazily suspicious about me cheating which was founded on no evidence at all.
At the end he totally crashed out.
He liked the idea of a financially stable, self-assured, “well-rounded” woman but couldn’t actually handle the insecurity that came along. I feel stupid bc he had told me when we were just friends that he intentionally dated “below his means” so that he would feel more secure, but next gf he set impossibly high standards for. I mistakenly thought that since he said it, he’s self aware, so he is like ready for that right? Nope. Just bc you know your flaws and can point them and say you’ve changed doesnt mean you have. Which is a duh now, but at the time it came off as so self-reflective and I admired his openness.
Well buddy, you clearly can’t handle it. Sadly he will likely go for women who are not fortunate enough like me to have a support system and financial stability. And he will have total control and get his nightly backrubs he so demands.
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Can totally relate .
I am pretty independent myself both financially and emotionally , have a close knit family and friends and overall have a good life .
I once talked to a man who initially who was very similar to ypur ex.
He was initially attracted to for the way i was but then during conversation when i told him i opted to be in a relationship for companionship and not out of need he became extremely defensive.
He said that i did not have any space for him or any men because i had my life sorted and there was nothing he could offer that i did not have already.