He’s kind, emotionally intelligent, and communicative most of the time but when life gets overwhelming (work, family stuff, etc.), he just… goes quiet.
He doesn’t get angry or rude just retreats. Says he needs space, but I’m not sure if checking in helps or if that adds pressure.
I don’t want to smother him, but I also don’t want to disappear when he might need someone.
Men, when you shut down, what helps? What hurts? What would you want a partner to do (or not do) during that time?
I really want to love him in a way that actually reaches him.
Comments
We cannot answer things about one specific guy.
But yeah, if his Stress reaction is to withdraw (and this doesn’t mean him withdrawing for weeks on end) you trying to reach him with love will add onto the stress.
But you should really just ask him in a Situation he isn’t stressen in.
It’s super nice that you want to support him in the best possible way. It really shows how much you care for him. Now we men don’t talk in riddles. If he says he needs space, give him space 🙂
I freely acknowledge that I’m the type to shut down when I’m going through it. Rather than talk about my feelings I just revert to survival mode for a bit. My wife has developed her own formula for supporting me during those times without making it uncomfortable.
She acknowledges the hardship and takes steps aimed at just making my day to day life a little easier. Sometimes its the little things that help get you out of your funk. Letting me sleep in, bringing me coffee if I’m tired, Doing my favorite hobbies with me etc.
You know and understand the situation. That solves most of the problem. Just being there and understanding goes a long way.
Support systems will differ from guy to guy… Some hit and trial would work, you’ll know exactly how much space he needs. Good luck!
I shut down when I’m frustrated or just emotionally tired and I honestly hate it. It’s not something I can control. But I hate it bc it’ll ruin the mood and makes others feel awkward. So my advice is acts of service. Make him food or buy him something, etc. Do those nice things but still give him the space. Just randomly give something to him and then still let him be alone. It’ll snap him out of it eventually(if not at first) and it’ll allow him to open up. Also just checking in every now and then.
He probably needs some space so give him that but also let him know that you are there for him.
I think that’s something you should ask him. Like when that happens to me i just drink and eat junk food and then feel like a bloated fermented dough and then after that i am all good.
I’m the same way. My wife usually brings me a fruit salad. It’s super nice. Checking in can add pressure. Maybe just casually give him a peck on the cheek from time to time, no need to explicitly say that you’re there for him, as that can come across as impatient. He knows.
Make sure to also communicate that while you’re happy to accommodate for him when he needs it, you have expactations when you’re feeling down, too. Meeting in the middle was very important for us when we were dealing with stuff that has been taxing on both of us.
Any minimal physical affection is good. A short hug, a squeeze of the hand, a peck on the cheek. Of course, depending on his level of comfort.
And a clear expression that he can take all the time he needs. No pressure at all. And you’ll be waiting for him when he’s ready.
You will never fully understand what he is going through. But that doesn’t mean you won’t try. Being supportive means, “I will stay with you through this period and beyond.”
Does he solve his problems? Because it could be how he manages them. Maybe interactions during this time is causing him more stress
I mean it sounds like the man is processing. It might be a good idea to have a conversation with him about it when he’s not in that freeze mode, see what he thinks might help.
However if he’s there now, I think it would be helpful to suggest communicating with frozenMrAshleyKate starting with simple yes or no questions at first: “can I ask you some questions right now?” “Would you like my help with anything?” “Would you like me to let you be/check on you from time to time?” Things like this.
Tell him that you understand that he is retreating into himself when life gets tough, but that you are there to be with him, that you want to support him and that if he is ready for it, you’ll be there to talk, listen and generally be there for him. That you want to share the hardships with him, that even if you can’t help, going through the motions together is what you chose for.
Then lethim be. If he does come: listen, talk, support and show him some love in the way that’s meaningful to him.
If he doesn’t come to you, do things that let him know you care.
Just chill out. Hang out with him and don’t try to get him to talk about it. Go watch tv in a different room or just be at the house around him in your own little world, but not in his face. We like women around us just sometimes not trying to make us open up or give them all of our attention.
I’m the same really.