Finally just done.

TL;DR: My MIL has never accepted me-not at my wedding, not over the past 8 years, and not during my SIL’s recent wedding, where she once again made me feel like an afterthought. Despite everything I’ve done to support the family (especially during my SIL’s abusive breakup), I’m constantly left out, minimized, and disrespected. She competes with me, undermines thoughtful things I do, and only treats me like the “daughter-in-law,” never family. I’ve been putting up boundaries, with my supportive husband’s help, but this wedding reminded me just how deeply hurt and exhausted I am. I’m not looking for her approval anymore-just peace.

——————————-

Hi all,
This is going to be long, but I really need a place to vent and hear from people who might get it.

My MIL has never treated me like part of the family-not at my wedding, not in the 5 years since, and certainly not during my SIL’s wedding that just happened. It’s like I’m always “the DIL,” never a daughter, never a person whose presence is wanted- just tolerated. She’s always made it clear that I’m not what she wanted for her son. I didn’t go to a top school, I don’t make top money, and I’m Adopted. Which they had a huge problem with in the past.

During my own wedding, she was so cold and difficult that I gave back my engagement ring at one point. She and my SILs all wore red (my bridal color) and refused to show me their outfits beforehand-I only saw them on the wedding day. That alone was a huge red flag, but I brushed it off, hoping time would change things. They also did 3-4 outfit changes during the wedding. It was ridiculous.

Fast forward to my SIL’s wedding. My MIL, SIL, and I were all getting ready together with hair and makeup. There was a schedule, and I was originally last. Because of a delay, I casually reassured my MIL that later timing is actually better for makeup-it’ll be fresher for the event. Well, I guess she really took that to heart because she casually asks her daughter, the bride, “oh since the schedule is pushed back, do we still keep the same order?” In that moment I knew what she was doing- she tells me to go first, even though she was scheduled. It was clear to me she didn’t want herself or her daughter to “go first”-like their makeup mattered more, and mine was an afterthought. And then she kept asking me if it was okay, which just confirmed to me that she knew it was inappropriate. Then when it came time to do hair, nobody was in the chair so the hair lady asked me to sit down. But my MIL got upset saying she hasn’t gotten anything done yet so I began getting up and saying “sure you go ahead first” and then she immediately pushed me back into the seat and says “no it’s fine you go”. But I still got up and just walked away. Then she proceeded to take an extra 10 minutes to find her phone, put on her outfit, etc before she sat for her hair. All the vendors were so annoyed by her because she kept telling them how to do their jobs as well.

During the entire getting ready process I excitedly offered to take pictures and videos of the 3 of them getting ready but not once was I asked to be in a photo. It felt like a slap in the face. I’m not a daughter, I get that. But I am the only DIL and SIL they have. And it just stung.

What hurts more is that I’ve shown up for this family. When my SIL went through a traumatic breakup with an abusive ex, I was there. I helped move her out. I listened to her. I shared my own experience to help her feel less alone.

This pattern is everywhere. My MIL constantly downplays anything kind we do. One example that really got to me: my husband and I gifted my SIL a beautiful engraved YSL lipstick. Instead of appreciating it, my MIL pretended she didn’t remember what we gave. And when we reminded her, she said, “Oh yeah, my friend told me they were doing free engraving.” Like… why even say that? What’s the point except to undercut something thoughtful?

She also made it a point to tell us that her and her husband and bought my SIL her wedding outfit and her fiance an expensive watch. No idea why this information we needed to know. The only thing I can think is that she’s still bitter about back when my husband and I got married (during the height of COVID) and she wanted me to do outfit changes, but I refused. She also bought me an outfit to replace the one I had already fallen in love with just because she said “it wasn’t bridal enough”.

She constantly tries to insert herself into things I do. For example making sweets for our cultural festivities-and says things like, “Next time we’ll make it together,” over and over with a clear undertone of competition or resentment. She keeps score. She acts sweet in public, but competes with me privately-even in dumb things like card games. Sometimes I wonder if it’s in my head but i really don’t think so.

When I don’t go to their house (which is often because they live nearby), it becomes a thing. Once, I had COVID and didn’t go, and she made a whole scene out of it. My husband is wonderful and supportive, but I hate that he has to be the middleman all the time. My parents live across the country, and he has a totally low-pressure relationship with them. Meanwhile, I’ve bent myself over backwards for his- and it’s still not enough.

Another thing that’s stuck with me is how my MIL keeps bringing up an uncle from her side who once made a rude comment about my weight. Instead of addressing it directly or standing up for me, she talks about it through my husband in their native language which I don’t fully understand. She’ll say things like, “Oh he’s just like that,” but never to me directly. It feels incredibly disrespectful, especially since it’s my body that was insulted, and she can’t even show me the basic courtesy of addressing me directly. It’s like she’s more concerned with defending him than acknowledging how hurtful it was.

She’s also been relentless about these deities she got for us during our wedding that are silver and need to be cleaned with a silver cleaner- a cleaner that is super harsh chemically and is something that my husband and I just don’t want to do all the time. She kept bringing it up how I don’t clean it, and recently she bought some to replace the ones we have that don’t need to be cleaned.
I appreciate that but I also have a feeling that it keeps from a place of frustration and I hate that she tells ME to clean it not her own son. And the most ironic part is that her own daughter and her husband don’t even keep theirs out, they keep them in a cupboard completely hidden. At least we have them out and displayed but of course it’s only an issue if I do something wrong, if they do it’s funny.

There’s a lot more I can share but these capture the gist of her behavior towards me for the last almost 8 years.

Lately, I’ve been trying to put emotional distance and real boundaries in place. I’ve deleted their texts, let my husband handle communication, and stopped engaging unless necessary. But the wedding weekend made me realize how much I’ve allowed, and how deeply disrespected I’ve felt.

I do want to say that my husband has, on many occasions, stood up for me. He has even told them that if they continue to disrespect me he will cut contact with them. But none of this seems to make a difference. I myself haven’t been the best at following through about the boundary because I know it causes him To answer all her questions about where I am. Plus I do have a great relationship with his grandma (ironically his mom’s mom) and don’t want to miss too many chances to see her. He also understands my boundaries and supports them. I told him just yesterday that I will be sticking to them and that he may have to answer questions but that he also doesn’t owe them an explanation.

I have a strong feeling she’s jealous of me or threatened by me or both. It’s as if she doesn’t like the things she sees in me that she lacks or does in a very performative way (thoughtfulness, kindness, etc)

I guess I’m just… tired. I’m tired of pretending, of trying, of hoping something will change. I’m tired of being kind and having it taken for granted but I also don’t want to go out of my way to be mean or rude because it’s not in my nature. I’m just frustrated at not being able To find balance. I do keep a relationship with them purely due to my husband and caring for him. Her birthday is coming up and I canceled plans with my friends to be sure I could be there just for my husband. And I want to continue to do that but I’m getting to a point of burn out.

Im no longer hoping to be accepted — I’m simply protecting my peace. My goal now is to interact as little as possible, support my husband where it matters, and stop sacrificing my time, energy, and worth for someone who’s never going to see me

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Any advice or solidarity is appreciated.