Thought Spiraling about Bringing Baby into Unhealthy Family Dynamic with Just No Stepmother

This post is about my just no stepmother. She is my husband’s JNMIL.

My dad and SM married when I was a young adult. SM didn’t help raise me or my brother. Both my dad and SM had been married before. SM and her ex didn’t have any children.

My husband and I are expecting our first child after being married for nearly a decade. We are in our late 30s and early 40s. All this goes to say that our relationship is stable, and we are mature and capable adults. We’re nervous about becoming parents, of course, but we know that we’re as ready as we’re ever going to be. However, we’re deeply concerned about the extended family dynamic that we’re welcoming our child into.

SM makes a great first impression. In fact, she’s quite well liked in her communities. SM equates being needed with being loved. Her identity hinges on her volunteer commitments, causes, and her goal of changing people’s lives for the better. If she can’t rescue you personally, she wants to be the one who refers you to the person who can rescue you.

My dad thinks SM is the most generous, big-hearted person he’s ever met. I mean she is his wife, after all. He believes that she’s a magical person and she does “everything with love.” My dad is also happy to take advantage of SM’s willingness to overextend herself and take on responsibilities that would otherwise be his.

Likewise, my brother has benefited from SM’s codependency. Although my brother is 30-something, SM infantilizes him. My brother has a history of substance dependence and other mental health issues, but he’s clean and sober, stable, and lives independently now. SM continues to give him lavish gifts, complete tasks for him, and fantasize about solving his perceived problems (e.g., help him find his next girlfriend or discover his next favorite hobby). My brother finds SM’s behavior quirky, but mostly endearing.

For many years, I swung between feeling positive and neutral about my relationship with SM. However, our relationship has become more obviously problematic as I’ve gotten older. I see now that our relationship was the “strongest” when I was mourning the loss of my brother’s and my mom (whom SM hoped to replace), struggling with chronic illness, broke due to being a college student, depressed, or stuck in codependent relationships of my own. Whenever I’ve shown independence or healing, reached an important life milestone (e.g., gotten engaged), or established boundaries (e.g., precautions my husband and I chose to protect ourselves from COVID), SM has had outbursts and projected malice or bad character onto me (and later, onto me and my husband). It’s been very hard to not take SM’s words personally and to remember that this is actually a loss of control issue that belongs to her, not me or my husband.

Despite SM’s sunny exterior, she carries a lot of pain from her past. She had complicated relationships with her parents and her ex. She has unresolved grief about having never had children of her own. SM deals with her pain by living in fantasy. As a result, she doesn’t have much tolerance for the complexity of others’ humanity. One of her favorite coping methods is by watching Hallmark Christmas movies throughout the year. She loves their formula, stereotypical characters, and predictably happy and simple endings.

I’ve tried to discuss the harm caused by SM’s behavior with my dad and my brother, but they just can’t acknowledge the seriousness and pervasiveness of the problem, and that hurts. Although SM is not a narcissist, there is a certain grandiosity inherent in her codependent fantasies, so my husband and I have been trying to reduce contact with SM and use grey rock/yellow rock methods in conversation. This has been effective, but emotionally exhausting.

This brings us to the present day and the impending arrival of our baby. SM was not excited for us when we shared the news of my pregnancy. Her shock seamlessly transitioned into questions about whether we planned to move and buy a new car. Apparently, she believes that we ought to live in the suburbs, own a huge house, and drive an SUV if we’re going to become parents. I hear from my dad that she has fantasies about sharing parenting duties with us. He has stopped her from making purchases like a car seat for their car. My dad is able to recognize that this is inappropriate, but again, in his mind, SM does “everything with love.”

My husband and I have been having a very difficult time escaping thought spirals about my family dynamic. Thinking about SM wanting alone time with our unborn child, thinking about my dad and brother’s obliviousness and betrayal, thinking about how long I’ve had to put up with this and how confusing it was when I was younger… I do trust our ability to maintain distance and honor our boundaries. I do trust our ability protect my child. But wow, I sure am angry that my extended family is front-of-mind when the family I’m building with my husband should be.