I (23f) just had a baby 2 months ago with my fiancé (28M). I had a very difficult pregnancy (preeclampsia, 2 catastrophic hurricanes, moving, car trouble, and parting with my horse of 5 years). Prior to this experience my dream has always been to be a SAHM. We live in Florida so the income needed to afford that is astronomical we’ve been able to make it work on just his salary since I had the baby but have had to dip into savings here and there.
Well the plan was when our lease is up we’d be moving up to Maine and build a house on his dad’s property (he has over 50 acres). This would also be so my fiancé could pursue a career under his father’s business and learn the trade from him. The problem is my whole family’s down here and while I wasn’t close with them when we made these plans they’ve been the only thing keeping me together in postpartum. I’ve really been struggling adjusting to being a mom and if it wasn’t for my mother and sister I think I will have needed to be put into a psych ward for how bad the PPD got ahold of me.
Our lease is up in October and it feels as though it’s coming up too quickly. I’m scared, I don’t want to be alienated from my family. I’d lose my support system, which his family is up there but I feel being vulnerable and needing help from them is very different than your own family. His dad has also already put money into preparing the property for us to build a home. Which is so thoughtful but now I feel stuck in this decision.
I feel as though I’ve sacrificed everything of myself for this baby and I’m scared sacrificing my home and family would be the final straw. Floridas all I know and while I don’t love it it’s familiar. How should I go about talking to him about this
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Backup of the post’s body: I (23f) just had a baby 2 months ago with my fiancé (28M). I had a very difficult pregnancy (preeclampsia, 2 catastrophic hurricanes, moving, car trouble, and parting with my horse of 5 years). Prior to this experience my dream has always been to be a SAHM. We live in Florida so the income needed to afford that is astronomical we’ve been able to make it work on just his salary since I had the baby but have had to dip into savings here and there.
Well the plan was when our lease is up we’d be moving up to Maine and build a house on his dad’s property (he has over 50 acres). This would also be so my fiancé could pursue a career under his father’s business and learn the trade from him. The problem is my whole family’s down here and while I wasn’t close with them when we made these plans they’ve been the only thing keeping me together in postpartum. I’ve really been struggling adjusting to being a mom and if it wasn’t for my mother and sister I think I will have needed to be put into a psych ward for how bad the PPD got ahold of me.
Our lease is up in October and it feels as though it’s coming up too quickly. I’m scared, I don’t want to be alienated from my family. I’d lose my support system, which his family is up there but I feel being vulnerable and needing help from them is very different than your own family. His dad has also already put money into preparing the property for us to build a home. Which is so thoughtful but now I feel stuck in this decision.
I feel as though I’ve sacrificed everything of myself for this baby and I’m scared sacrificing my home and family would be the final straw. Floridas all I know and while I don’t love it it’s familiar. How should I go about talking to him about this
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Just understand that moving to Maine with a newborn will make your life 100x harder and make his life easier. If you wait til the kid is like 3-4, it’ll be fine
Let him move up and start learning the trade. Can you stay with family?
Maybe it’s time for something new. You’re scared, that’s ok, but maybe you’re feeling this way because of fear of the unknown. Maybe you need to do something different.
Whatever you decide, you do need to have a conversation with your fiancé.
You don’t need to be there for the whole house building part, right? Maybe he can go start to get things set up while you stay with family until your baby is a bit older?
Let him move. Stay with your support system. See how it goes. If you move to Maine and it doesn’t work out, you will be stuck there till your child is 18…
9 months PP and I could not imagine moving states away from my support system. My husband is a great dad and does a lot for our baby, but there is something to be said for the support from female family members.
Could you have him move up first and learn the trade while you stay in FL temporarily? Maybe move in w/ family for a short period if needed.
If not get a trip back down to see family on the books before you move up there so you have something to look forward to!
SAHM life sounds great but make sure you have a nest egg of money for yourself just incase and try and make new mom friends who can support you in the move.
Best of luck!
Sounds like my parent when they were young and in the military. Family was on the other coast. Fear is your worst enemy. Yours is not just having a baby but also the unknown, a foreign place and being a stranger in a strange land.
It would be ideal to travel with your husband. Make it a traveling vacation. See and get a feel of the place. And perhaps fly back to Florida, your comfort zone, and grow your emotions and feelings about this.
Two of the most stressful things are having a baby and moving to a new home. Relax, you are okay to feel the way you do.
NTA you would be moving away from your support system when you need it the most. Also, if you move up there and absolutely hate it, you won’t be able to move your child away from his or her father without a huge legal fight. And the house you will be moving into will moat likely not be in your name so you are taking a huge risk in several ways. Don’t go unless you are married and definitely not until you have details related to your financial security ironed out.
And the most important factor, your gut seems to be telling you to pause or you wouldn’t be having second thoughts.
First and foremost, talk to your partner about how your feeling. I don’t think advocating for your mental health postpartum would make you an a hole here. I do however think if your dream is to be a sahm you’ll need to eventually do what makes financial sense to make that happen which sounds like moving to Maine.
I’d recommend talking to your partner and see if he’d compromise on pushing out the move an extra 6m to a year. That might give you enough time to start feeling yourself again because two months postpartum sounds like your in the thick of it right now. Also be open to compromise suggestions he has, y’all can always discuss and come back to it in a week when you’ve both had time to think over the ideas on the table.
Anyways best of luck, I hope you start feeling better! Congrats on your kiddo!
Maybe see if you can stay with family for a little bit while you’re still adjusting with PP? Can your mom or sister travel with you and stay with you for a week or two so you can have a transitional period? If possible, I feel like the last option is best. I can also say with my son, my PPD got significantly better when he was around 6 months old and started moving a little himself. The tiny bit of independence made a world of difference. I still have PPA pretty bad but it’s gotten better as he gets older.
I would start just by bringing up that you’re unsure and why and it’s making you nervous. Idk how to word it but I would put something in there about how you are not trying to stop him and you never would. Just be completely transparent on how you’re currently feeling about the whole thing. Being nervous for a big move is completely normal but I agree not having the same support system would be really hard. Maybe he can comfort you or you guys can work something out that works for you both?
Why not get to a place where you move to Maine but winter/are snowbirds in FL during the cold months?
Like others have recommended, your husband can move/get his work stuff sorted + building/overseeing the build of the house. Totally different situation but my dad’s company moved midway across the company, but my mom stayed in our home state with me so I could finish high school. Planes work both ways. Either way, talk it out with your fiance. It sounds like you need to stay put and have your support system/village around you. And that’s fine.
Or you can move and give it a try. If it doesn’t work out go back to Florida.
This is why I tell people not to have children until they’re married. Because the sad reality is if you don’t move with him & you guys end things, then you’re screwed and so is he and the baby.
You need to talk to him. But you also need to realize you created a family with this man & considering he provides what sounds like 95% of the time, you gotta see that in the laws eyes he’s the more stable parent because financially he can afford somewhere to live. I don’t say this to scare you. I say this to let you know this is so common and these big decisions need to be made with everyone in mind.
Honestly, it feels kind of selfish.
How long are you willing to let your fiancé put his life on hold for a better life just so you don’t have to try?
If your mom and sister like you or the kid… are they not like willing to come to Maine?
Are you dependent on your mom and sister or your husband to be??
Like what is it that you are bringing in to this relationship at this point why should he marry you if you ain’t willing to be in it?
You need to sit down and have a conversation with your fiancé. Tell him everything you’ve told us and try to find a middle ground. Like maybe he can go up to Maine and get the house ready and you and baby can follow in a few months when you’ve gotten the hang of being a mom. Or you can stay in Florida but you go back to work because it’s obvious that you can’t afford to be a SAHM. You have to reach some sort of understanding because your current situation is not financially sustainable or fair to your husband and moving to Maine right now is a really bad idea for your mental health.
PPD is very real. I had postpartum psychosis and even had hallucinations- it was absolutely awful. I was living far away from family out of state, and my mom came to stay with me for a month to help but she drove me nuts so she ended up going back to CA (I’m in AZ). I made a few friends after moving to AZ at the time but I just couldn’t feel close enough to anyone to talk about what I was experiencing. I was worried I’d get the baby taken away from me if I described all the insane hallucinations and feelings I was having. I thought I could just ride it out until it was over.
But the isolation is really what did me in. My kids dad (now my ex) largely just wanted me to just snap out of it and often left me alone with the baby. I felt like I had no one. I tried antidepressants which actually worsened my symptoms. I ended up having a suicide attempt. Truly lucky my ex found me when he did or I probably wouldn’t have made it.
Nothing got me thru it better than prayer and holding on to Philippians 2:4 for dear life. It would have been much easier if I had people I could lean on around me. I just focused on looking for the beauty and the good in everything – a cloud in the sky, the magic of reading a book, the smell of an orange – any little thing. As time went on it became more automatic and I was less focused on seeing things wrong or bad around me (you can do this now – it truly helps). I made closer connections to people I could trust – but only long after my symptoms subsided.
Isolation is not healthy (can be fatal) with PPD so if u have people around u that u truly feel u trust and feel safe with, it’s not wrong for u to stay put.
You gotta be open with him – be sure to ask him to please be kind and just listen and not blame or tell u to just suck it up – then go into the details of what you’re experiencing and say you really need to stay put if that’s what u truly feel is needed. There’s nothing more important than your well being so don’t let any other story about money or plans and promises etc get in front of that. Is there any reason he can’t give it another year and then go to Maine? U need the support and if he’s too impatient then let him go and then follow him when you have had some time to heal.
Wishing u the best hun.
Change is scary, at first . You want to be a SAHM but need help with one child…..sounds like you aren’t responsible enough for even having one. GTFU. Your BF is smart, he’s your family now.
Being scared doesn’t mean you aren’t making the right decision. I understand reconnecting with your family and them being there for you has been vital, but your fiancé and your baby are your family now. You need to be honest with about how you are feeling, but please don’t just say you aren’t going. Please seek therapy for your PPD, because that could be the main contributor to this anxiety.
It’s not really safe to be a stay at home mom unless you are married. You won’t have any access to his social security or any other retirement income. He’ll be under no obligation to support you if you’re not living together, and if he works for family it will be easy for him to hide income, causing his child support to be very low. Regardless of where you decide to live, you need to either get a job or elope. And talk to him, so there’s time to make decisions.
You should go.
If you stay, how will you afford to live?
I made a much smaller move (10 hours/ 3 states) with an 8 day old and then moved homes again with an 8 week old. I developed terrible PPD and PPP, but I’m confident I would have become unwell even if we had stayed where we were at the time of the birth which was the town I’d lived in for 20+ years, where I graduated high school and college, where all my friends are and where my parents are. The first 3-6 monthsish were probably exceedingly hard, but my baby just turned 2 and I can’t imagine not living where we do now. The move opened up so many opportunities and has seriously let me develop as a mom and person, I think I would have been so stunted in my hometown.
It seems reasonable to let him move ahead of time and establish your family home, start his new job etc. However, I think the biggest hiccup is, if you’re struggling to stay financially afloat with your fiancé supporting you, how would you survive without him when he moves? Would you live with family? It’s probably not realistic to expect his income to support his living in Maine and you and the baby living in Florida. Could you work and find childcare for the baby?
Is not moving a deal breaker for him? If his dad has worked to prep the land, that feels like an investment- not something that you need to move for right now, you could move in a year or two. You have lots of options, you just need to have an open and honest convo with your fiancé. You both need to remember this is you and him vs. your issues, not you vs. him where someone needs to “win” i.e you win by staying in Florida, he wins if you go to Maine. Just be honest. Tell him everything you told us. I hope it all works out OP ❤️🩹
girl, you’re not wrong for feeling this way. Postpartum is no joke and losing your support system right now could break you, he needs to hear that loud and clear.
I moved for my partner before having children. People underestimate how important a good social network is, especially the first years.
NTA but you need to talk to him now