I (29F) have been with my fiancé (31M) for 4 years. We got engaged last fall, and things with him are good. But his family? It’s like I’m stuck in a weird reality show where the prize is emotional trauma.
From the start, his mom has referred to me as “the warm-up.” His sister once joked at dinner that I’m “his first pancake, you toss the first one when the pan’s too hot.”
I laughed it off until I realized… they weren’t joking.
Last weekend was his cousin’s wedding, and I overheard his aunt introduce me as his “trial wife.” She literally said, “We’ll see how long this one sticks!” I nearly choked on my wine.
I told my fiancé after and he just… shrugged. Said, “They’re just being playful, you know how they are.”
I told him I’m not marrying into a family that sees me as disposable. He said I’m overreacting and trying to ruin his cousin’s wedding weekend.
I left the reception early. He stayed. I haven’t gone back to our apartment since.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I (29F) have been with my fiancé (31M) for 4 years. We got engaged last fall, and things with him are good. But his family? It’s like I’m stuck in a weird reality show where the prize is emotional trauma.
From the start, his mom has referred to me as “the warm-up.” His sister once joked at dinner that I’m “his first pancake, you toss the first one when the pan’s too hot.”
I laughed it off until I realized… they weren’t joking.
Last weekend was his cousin’s wedding, and I overheard his aunt introduce me as his “trial wife.” She literally said, “We’ll see how long this one sticks!” I nearly choked on my wine.
I told my fiancé after and he just… shrugged. Said, “They’re just being playful, you know how they are.”
I told him I’m not marrying into a family that sees me as disposable. He said I’m overreacting and trying to ruin his cousin’s wedding weekend.
I left the reception early. He stayed. I haven’t gone back to our apartment since.
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Good! Don’t go back. Dump him and find a guy who’ll actually stand up for you. This dude is an AH. Sounds like he agrees with them and then gaslights you after you call it out. The fact he stayed and hasn’t reached out should tell you everything. Dump him and find a good guy.
Lmao girl! RUN!
This sounds like a reflection on your fiance. Are you sure he’s good? Maybe he has skeletons you know nothing about?
So don’t. They are all showing you who they are.
You have a fiancee problem.
If he doesn’t care that you are hurt and upset, he isn’t right for a long term relationship
Yeah stay gone. This leads nowhere good for you. Trial fiancée is the best this stooge will ever get. You’ve been more patient than many. Time to bail.
Yikes, get out! The most concerning part, ofc, is your husband brushing it off. You don’t need the pain and cruelty that these people will undoubtedly put you through if you stay. Love yourself enough to aim for better.
You told him your concern, and he blew you off. He isn’t going to stick up for you anytime soon. If they’re saying this where you can hear it, imagine what they say that you can’t hear. Big red flag.
Fiancé problem. He never stands up for you. Dump him.
It will only get worse. So be the first pancake and fuck off if he isn’t the butter than don’t stick to the pan.
Girl it’s not just his family he is just as bad. Why would you want to Marry a man who won’t stand up for you! If you think his family is bad now it will get 100 times worse when your married!! Run girl run 💯
Wow, such an easy test for your fiancé and he flunked.
When he is at work, go back, pack all your stuff and never look back. Change your phone number, change your email address, move to a different company. That family is a shitshow!
You are right to be apprehensive; fiance should be standing up for you. Surprising that they would talk about “trial wife” when he’s already over 30 and you are almost 30. You both are not kids. One would think his mother would be desperately happy that her son was on his way to getting married!
If he doesn’t do anything big to make things right, I think it’s time to dump your “trial fiance”!
UpdateMe!
Girl things with him are NOT good. In 4 years he hasn’t stepped up and put a stop to this?
This is like. The 4th ‘trial wife’ post I’ve read in the last few days.
New trope?
Yikes, your fiancé needs to defend your honor. You’re not even married yet and he’s already disrespecting you.
He won’t even stand up for you in private! He not irritated and denying that he feels that way and describing all the ways they’re wrong. He’s not making plans to see them less, or shield you from them, or confront them. He’s literally doesn’t give a shit that they insult you. Tell me again why you want to be with this man??
That is absolutely wild behavior. Is there a prior ex? Did you guys get engaged quickly? Why on earth would they be calling you these things??? But yeah overall sounds like you have a fiance problem. My partner would not everrrr tolerate people calling me that nor would I if it were my family. Like that’s just weird behavior from them.
“They’re just being playful, you know how they are.” Everyone needs to be in on the joke for this to be fun.
Yeah. If he can’t make you number 1 now, how’s he gonna react when 1. wedding planning? The jokes aren’t going to stop just because you’re planning a wedding. 2. When you’re married.
When a person gets married, the spouse becomes number one. And then if they have kids the fans is self, spouse, kids. Anyone else is second including parents of BOTH sides.
That’s what family means especially in this day and age when people divorce at an alarming rate.
Ya don’t go back. He isn’t even standing up for you bc he believes it too. His family doesn’t even respect you.
You dont have an in laws problem. You have a fiancé problem.
I would never allow anyone to openly disrespect my wife. Ever
WTF! Why does any of his family this this remotely appropriate? And then he goes along with it? Girl he and his family are toxic red flags! Count your blessings and find someone to cherish you!
It’s bad enough that his family is awful, but even your fiancé didn’t stand up for you and even blamed you for ruining things?
He’s giving you the gift of showing you who he really is, and where his priorities are. When the prize is emotional trauma and a dismissive partner … don’t marry that person.
Your fiancé’s family has zero respect for you because your fiance has zero respect you. It’s that simple. Do not marry him.
Tell those bitches you are pregnant, with twins!
Updateme
From someone who knows first hand; they’ll never change. Get out now and find a finance with a spine. You’re worth it.
Finally a post from a smart person who picked up the clue phone and got the heck out. Good on you!
Tell him he failed as a trial fiancé. Since he can’t stand up for you to his family, the trial run is over.
Get out now! Easier to leave when you are engaged than when you are married!
He agrees with them, run.
No, they aren’t being playful they are being cunts. Tell him you are about to ruin the weekend wedding if one more rude thing comes out of their mouth. Then proceed to ruin the wedding. Make a toast about the cousins trail partner, first pancake, blah blah, blah. Seriously, destroy this.
Dump him. Tell him you’ve realized he was a starter fiance and you are ready for the real deal so you need him gone to find your true love.
I would pack up all of my belongings and leave the apartment. Write a note that says “trial wife resignation” and tape it where he can see. Block and keep it pushing.
No partner will allow his family to call you that and you shouldn’t allow for him to be ok with it either. He’s for sure told them you are the place holder until someone better comes along
Any man or woman who allows others to degrade their spouse is not a worthy partner to share their life with, it has nothing to do with gender or gender roles. For someone to openly show disrespect to the person they want to marry and turn their back on you is simply a ridiculous idiot.
I would rather kiss a dusty church rat than be anywhere near that person.
It will only get worse if you stay. No point in fighting for a place in his life when not only does his family not want you there but it seems he doesn’t want you there either.
I bet they wouldn’t be as amused if you referred to him as your first husband. You know. The one you marry so you know what not to look for in a second husband
His family sucks and he’s not much better. Think long and hard about marrying him.
Great, that might be just how they are. However, you get to decide if you can live with that for as long as they live. I don’t know what’s worse, them treating you like that or him not giving a shit and not standing up to them for you. If he won’t stand up to them now, he’s not just going to magically start having a spine once you’re married. You deserve better.
Your boyfriend’s family has made it clear that they don’t like you, they don’t respect you and never will. Your boyfriend doesn’t support you and never will. Why are you still hanging on to him? Why would you want to raise children to be as ugly as all of these people? It will not ever change. Leave.
It sounds like he’s one of those “just keep the peace” people who’d rather see their wife burning in a hot fire than cause drama for his family.
You need to move out for a little bit to let him know you’re serious. If his reaction is to keep gaslighting you by saying your feelings are unreasonable then you have your answer. He won’t prioritize your feelings over avoiding conflict with his family even when he stands to lose you.
Then you are
If he hasn’t come to get you with a ring in one hand and flowers in the other, his sister and mother are probably right
UpDateMe
Updateme
Good for you. When he’s gone, pack all of your stuff and just leave. I hope your name isn’t on the lease or you are month to month.
Those are terrible comments, repeated so often it’s not a joke.
If you get suckered back in, straight up tell the next person who makes a comment like that “it wasn’t funny the first time and it’s cruel by the 100th time.”
Your fiancé is crap.
He learned it from his crap family.
Smart girl for leaving.
Wow, your fiancé’s family are assholes, your fiancé is the biggest asshole. And he doesn’t want to recognize it. You know why?
Because if he recognizes what jerks his family are to you, he knows he would have to step up and say something. And he doesn’t wanna do that. He knows what they’re like. And for him, because he was raised around it, it’s just become easier to let it go and ignore them.
What he doesn’t understand is that you really don’t want to have to spend the rest of your life, ignoring rude and demeaning and minimizing people. That’s no way to live.
But again, because he was raised with it, he’s found it’s easier just to say nothing and stay quiet and move along. That’s how shit gets the way. It is in our country these days.
Because what your fiancé is actually saying to you is:
Look, OP, I know my family are assholes. I know they’re bullies. I know their “joking” isn’t joking. It is meant to do mean and minimize you. It is meant to hurt your feelings. It is meant to push you aside. They’re jerks.
But goodness… If I have to stand up to them and tell them all to stop being assholes, they’re gonna turn their attention to me. And then I’m gonna have to deal with them accordingly. I’m either gonna have to tell them to stop it and take action on it such as not seeing them for a while and putting them in timeout.
Or, I’m going to have to grow a spine and literally cut ties with him. Because once I tell them to stop being jerks, they’re just gonna turn the attention toward me or they’re gonna turn it to somebody else, but I am well aware they’re not going to change.
And that means I can’t see my family. And even though I know we’re dysfunctional, they’re my family. And so I’d like to put them before you, OK? I’d like you to bend over and just take it up the ass for the rest of your life so that I don’t actually have to be an adult partner to you.
Because I would like my life to just maintain some sort of equanimity with my family, but to do that, you have to play along and “be a good sport”. You have to let them pick on you. Tease you. Insult you. Belittle you. Minimize you. Bully you. Also I can just go on about life without ever having actually grow up.
In other words, my feelings are much more important to me than yours are. I don’t care if they shit all over you. Won’t you just play along so I can be the good guy in their eyes and they’ll just pick on you instead of me?
C, OP? When you start paraphrasing what somebody’s words and actions actually are telling you, it’s not pretty in these situations. Your fiancé could easily get into therapy to find ways to deal with his family and not feel guilty about it. To find ways to acknowledge their dysfunction and still protect his relationship and protect you.
But that would be too much work. Just like standing up for you would be too much work. Your convenience, but you’re not worth that to him.
Seems like it would be best for everyone involved if you moved on
Updateme
Don’t marry him. He is not shutting the disrespect down, just say no to misery.
So they’re blatantly disrespecting you by saying you’re not good enough to be with him 😳 it’s time you cut ties because you’re in for a long bumpy ride if you end up marrying him
Sounds like a headache. I wouldn’t.
Honey, he doesn’t value you.
Just throw the whole man away, because if he cared, he would’ve put a stop to their crappy comments a long time ago.
You deserve better. Hugs, sweetheart.
Anyone who says you are overreacting when you open up about your emotions is a walking and talking red flag.
Has he been engaged before? Married before? How many times?
That is what I would ask, point blank… directly to his mom/sister. Weird comments unless you are in the dark…. Sounds like you are in the dark
You deserve to be someone’s first choice, not their “trial wife”.
You need to dump any guy who lets his family treat you that way. His continued silence is because he agrees with them.
Be grateful they’re showing you their warts now. Your fiancé obv has no issue with it which is so bad. I’d dip
Return the ring, move on.
This is a complete loser of a man, unable or unwilling to step up and protect you. If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have your back, what’s the point?
He has excused their inexcusable behavior. He has gaslighted you when you shared your feelings.
Nothing about this is okay. A toxic family can be like a cancer in a relationship.
If he isn’t willing to fight for you now, how do you think he’s gonna be after marriage? Once the novelty has worn off.
Yeah things with your fiancé are not good. He needed to shut their nonsense down from the get-go. If he’s not willing to stick up for you and your marriage, he’s not worth marrying.
It speaks volumes that your fiancé doesn’t have your back. Good on the op for having the self respect to not put up with it
So your fiance will think it’s hilarious when you start referring to him as your future first ex husband?
Nta if he doesn’t shut it down then he agrees with them on some level.
Wow he gave me the ick, hope you did too. I could never look at his face again. Just no.
Obviously they know something you don’t. But one thing that’s for sure for you, do not tolerate disrespect from anyone. If he can’t stand up for you now, then don’t marry him. In a situation like this, marriage isn’t worth it. Toxic AF family, including him.
Get out now. You deserve someone who won’t let his family make you feel less or put you down. Have you talked to him since?
You mean Ex Fiancee? Right OP?
He doesn’t respect you.
Dude everyone is telling you you are the starter wife. That’s really rude and he isn’t standing up for you.
As much as everyone says that you have a fiance problem or a in-laws problem, what you have is a you problem – if you don’t advocate for yourself and draw hard boundaries for yourself and keep laughing at or not responding to stupid stuff, everyone will keep trampling on your toes at will.
YTA as long as you keep on being “the bigger person” who is “keeping the peace” for fuck knows what reason.
Don’t go back. Dump him and move on.
Dump him and tell him, the trial period didn’t work out and he wasn’t a good fit for the post, Sorry.
He was the “trial fiance” and he failed. Next time you will know to avoid men who won’t stand up for you.
Where’s your fiance in all this? He’s sitting back and watching you be humiliated. The family isn’t really the problem. If he put his foot down it would stop. Rethink your relationship
Remember, you will be stuck with them. They will torment you until you jump ship and then they will say “see, I told you so”.
Quit while you’re ahead.
Tell your DH his “husband trial” is over and he failed miserably. Their words are going to make this happen. Crazy town.
The amount of men saying lately on these posts “that’s just how they are” or “it’s a joke”…. So disappointing.
Classic chatGPT post – this is GPT’s voice and style. Still entertaining.
He showed you he doesn’t care about your feelings.
He showed you he thinks it is funny
He showed you he will side with his family over you
He showed you he will disregard your concerns
He showed you he does not and will not have your back.
When someone SHOWS you who and what they really are, please believe them.
Next time his family says that to you, make sure he hears. (I get the feeling that they do it when he isn’t listening). Make them repeat it to him. Then say Thanks for being my starter fiance. My next “pancake” will not be a spineless loser with a horrible family.
Time to move on girl. You don’t want to be part of that shit show. Remind him he’s 31 and he’s allowing his family to F up his relationship.
“This hurt me”
“Oh, you know how they’re like, which is why I support their fun over your actual wellbeing”
My ex-MIL used to tell me that it was my job as first wife to prepare him for his second wife. After years of him never having my back, I finally left. When I did, I told him “congrats, you are ready for your second wife.” He remarried quickly. The only good thing I got out of the marriage were my wonderful children.
The worst part is, if you defend yourself and leave, they’ll feel like they were right.
I’m sorry but these are not folks you need in your life forever.
His silence (or worse, he’s actually confirmed it to them) shows he’s not worth it. Just a trial fiancée, I guess. Toss him out.
I remember when my husband and I first got together. We were actually set up by his brother. His brother started dating a girl after us, but rushed to marry and get her pregnant, so they were married a month after they started dating. At their wedding, his brother was super mean to me and wouldn’t allow me on any family pictures because I wasn’t “really” family yet, even though my husband and I had been together longer than the bride and groom. It hurt, but I stayed out of the pictures.
A few months Later, my husband and I, now engaged, went to an anime convention together. I bought him a tiny figurine of a character from a game he likes. He showed his brother and his brother said “woe, that’s cool. It’s a shame he’s going to have to throw it away when you break up.” My husband was like dude shut up, she’s not going anywhere.
A couple years later, his brother’s wife has an affair. He had been abusing her relentlessly their entire relationship and she was looking for a way out. They ended up staying together for the kids, but you can tell they are both miserable. My husband and I have been married for over a decade and are still madly in love/obsessed with each other.
Miserable people will always be miserable. Your fiance needs to establish boundaries and stick up for you ASAP if this is going to work.
Don’t give them what they want. They are trying to chase you away.
Well, I guess he was the trial because why would you continue the relationship when he just told you he agrees with what they are telling you and he is fine with them taunting you. Find a partner who respects you.
It was one thing when his family was saying hurtful things, but it’s unacceptable when he stamped his approval in it. Don’t gaslight yourself that it’s playful joking. None of them, including him, respect you. You deserve better.
I think it would feel better to be with someone who makes you feel good about yourself. Someone who makes you feel loved and special.
I got married to my first wife when I was 18 and divorced by the time I was 22 and even though my family was right when they said things like this it turned out I still defended her rabidly at the time because she was my wife and I didn’t plan on getting divorced. He should be defending you at the very least telling them to watch the things they’re saying around you and if he can’t understand that then you have a pretty big problem.
Since his family thinks you are disposable, make him “disposable”. He does not have your back.
You should write them a group letter of how they’re your trial in-laws and that they have failed miserably
I know right now, you have this awful impulse to prove them wrong. Don’t fall into this trap.
HE isn’t worthy of being your first husband let alone your life partner. With family like that, how would you feel if your kids heard that? What happens when you finally divorced and you had to give up your kids every other week and they were with those people?
Walk away from a man who will not defend you when you are being abused.
Dump him. Tell him that he was the trial fiancee and he didn’t pass the cut.
Giving your fiancé response it sounds like his family is right. Get out while you can.
I think they are insulting your fiancé and it just feels like it’s aimed at you.
What is his dating history? Non-committed or passive relationships with possible cheating or other issues? If not, hopefully it isn’t based on a stereotype or a false story. Is there a younger family member that might be willing to spill the reasoning?
You could always just lean into the joke. Keep making it for the next 50+ years.
I met my husband 5 days after a breakup and we joke around that he’s just a rebound. It’s been 15 years and we’re really happy but we still joke occasionally that this is just a rebound relationship. The root of our love is not damaged because he knows I adore him and he is absolutely enamored with me. Perhaps you’re feeling insecure in the relationship, like he’s not really all in. Maybe that’s what you need to address.
You could also start introducing him as your 1st fiance. The joke can go both ways. If he doesn’t like it then maybe you both should lay off the wise cracks.
Seems like he’s in agreement with them. Looks like he feels you’re a temp too. Upgrade yourself and go for what you deserve. You’re worth loving and respecting and someone else will see it and all but worship the ground you walk on.
I’ve been known to introduce my wife as “my first wife.”
We been together since 1982.
Start referring to him as your starter husband.
Gee, maybe this has happened several times. His family talks crap, the girlfriend bails, and to them, their trash-talk is verified as true. I do believe the family is the problem.
I never understand when people say “a person or relationship with a person is good, but…”
If he punches you in the face, he and the relationship aren’t good.
If he yells, screams, and otherwise can’t properly communicate, he and the relationship aren’t good.
If he shows his family to treat you any way that you don’t like and even defends their actions or gaslights you about their actions, he and the relationship aren’t good.
If he doesn’t defend ir support you against ANYONE (even his family), he and the relationship aren’t good.
I could go on and on with these. SMH
How about telling your fiance how does he feel about a “trial separation” just to see how it feels. See his reaction.
How is that even remotely funny. Start by introducing him as the present boyfriend and if anybody ask why present boyfriend say well I’m on the lookout for an upgrade because this one really ain’t all that. Make sure to do it in front of him and when he gets upset tell him to relax it’s just a joke. Don’t stop doing it until you do indeed find a new partner who actually cares about you and your feelings.
If he hasn’t stuck up for you in all these years then take the hint he never will. You deserve someone to put you and feelings ahead of his mommy. Longer you stay the worse it’s gonna get.
They are insulting him, not you.
But if his family is so blatantly saying you’re probably not going to be together? You need to listen to their advice they are providing you, not the delivery of the advice…
Get out, you’ve been warned by his kinfolk. Just Say’in
My ex husband used to introduce me as his “future ex-wife”. He wasn’t wrong.
Dig in and ask them to politely explain the joke, please. Just like you should with a racist joke.. Can you explain the punchline again? So you’re saying in this context, divorce is funny? Wait wait, let me grab my fiance so you can tell it again. Maybe he can explain why it’s funny.
bone up on your dark humor. Got some cancer history in the family? Lots of great cancer jokes out there. Every joke they tell, counter with something equally personal but hopefully funnier..
He was your trial fiancé and he didn’t stick.
You have a fiancé problem because he’s still attached to Mommy’s apron strings. Don’t marry him until (unless?) he cuts them. If you really want to be petty, start calling him your first or trial or practice husband. When he calls you out on it, point out that you’re just joking, the exact same way his family is doing
Good luck!
UpdateMe
Reply: No, HE’S my TRIAL husband, until I find a richer guy with a bigger dick. That’ll shut them up I bet ! Everytime they introduce you in a derogatory way…say it 🙂
You need to go back to the apartment. You have to pack your stuff.
Tell him that you aren’t interested in being a trial wife so you would just as soon break up and go and find someone to marry who WON’T allow every woman in his family to disrespect you and pretend they are joking, because none of it is funny to the person they have been ridiculing for 4 years without him saying one word to defend you.
You know where his loyalties lie and they aren’t with you.
What does he plan to do if you have children and they treat your kids as disposable, the same way they treat you? Would that still be fun for him?
4 years is enough time to waste on a little boy with no spine and no substance.
they are clearly repeating something he has said
I’d start referring to him as your future ex husband and how your first divorce will set you up for life. See how he feels about it. If he doesn’t find it funny you’ve got your answer.
Run. Don’t walk, don’t even jog. Sprint like hounds are chasing you.
They’re trying to force you to leave him. That’s what they’re doing. They’re saying “let’s see how long she lasts with us tormenting her every chance we get.” And honestly? Give them the win. They’re bitches, your “fiance” is a bitch, and you deserve better.
You don’t have an in law problem, you have a fiance problem.
Think LONG about whether you want to continue to endure this. It does NOT get better after marriage, OP.
They will be 10x worse if you marry him. He is not supporting you either.
He doesn’t need to be your fiancé anymore! His family is fucking gross and you don’t need to marry into that horrible environment!
Run Run Run! He’s fucking gaslighting you. Joking, bullshit
They don’t sound very invested in your relationship or you as their family
Start calling him your meal ticket or your sugar daddy and see how he feels
Take the hint! His family knows something you do not.
Run
Get out of there…. He’s going to let his family abuse every woman he dates
How much longer do you need them to show how little you matter before you get the courage to leave this relationshit for a relationship where you will be valued?
They’re making these jokes because your fiance has said something similar or he has a history of treating women like disposable tissues. Definitely don’t marry into this disrespectful weird family
Sounds like you made the right decision. End of story, move on
I know I’ve read this before.
He was more concerned about the cousins weddings than his future wife threatening to leave him?
Just shrug and move on. He isn’t your partner in life.
If he doesn’t feel its important to stand up for you now, things will not change. Have a serious conversation with him. The way he reacts to what you have to say will make it clear how much he values you.
You can be as upset at his family all you want, but you need to realize that all of this starts with your fiancée.
Like, why isn’t he talking to them about it? If it hurts your feelings, then it’s not a good joke, and someone needs to put a cap on it. ALSO, why are they joking like this? What the fuck has he been telling them about you for years? What do THEY know that you DO NOT?
Maybe, just maybe, he’s nowhere near as serious about you as you are about him, and his family absolutely knows.
I think you need to have some serious conversations with someone, after having a serious think session about your entire relationship.
Sounds like a narcassist! Hes gas lighting you into thinking you should tolerate the emotional abuse you are getting from his family. Do not marry this guy you are asking for a painful divorce and abuse
That’s is a firm no IMHO. Tell him and them directly that being so flippant about your relationship and future marriage is not acceptable. In direct terms to them, don’t say that to or about you again. If it happens, it’s time to walk.
Set the framework for respectful boundaries now. If your fil or futre husband can’t change the hurtful behavior, you have all you need to move on .
If we start a new family unit where there is disrespectful behavior, it’s not going to get better after the wedding. He should be nipping it in the bud as your person.
Tell them he will be your probational husband, to see if you like the whole “married” concept.
excuse me my first pancakes are just as perfect and delicious as all the rest.
your fiancé and his family suck
At least now you know he was already thinking the same as his family. His actions proved that.
Don’t waste your time with someone who will not stand up for you. The first the they said something like this should have been the last time. You should call them out on it. He wouldn’t like it if your family treated him like that.
We all said this about my cousin’s first husband (never to them but behind their back) when we all recognized how completely different and incompatible they were and how she’d sneak things behind his back- literally small things that we didn’t think were a big deal but he was against due to his religion. She wasn’t the problem but they ended up divorcing surprise surprise.
I wonder if they know something you don’t and are trying to kind of warn you.