We’ve been seeing each other for about 18 months, but as friends with benefits for half that time. I feel like I’ve been living in limbo, because I never really got any commitment from him.
I have a new therapist today, and I gave her the full story – it was good in the beginning. Easy. Low commitment. But then the emotional bond between us deepened, but he’s polyamorous, so he was never calling me his girlfriend. In February we had a big blow up over it, and he told me he considers me to be a partner. But what does that mean? I was always fine with the polyamory because this was never long term for me. It was meant to just be casual. But then it kept going, and he kept saying all the right things. And his mental health was suffering, and I couldn’t do anything then, could I?
I finished uni and started working full time in healthcare. I’d always assumed it would naturally fizzle out when I became less available, but it didn’t. And he was really struggling, so I stayed in his life. I didn’t want to affirm his idea that whenever he lets people in, they leave.
I said to my therapist today that I didn’t want to leave him worse than I found him, and she said “he’s not one of your patients”.
And I’m almost gaslighting myself over it. Am I being unreasonable? I did it over text – I felt like if I tried to in person, he would’ve changed my mind. I feel like an awful person for that. But what were we? In this context what is a partner, really? What defines that?
When I’ve told people what’s been happening, particularly female friends, they’ve said I need to break it off. But it feels like they don’t get it. They don’t see what it’s like most of the time, they just hear the bad stuff. And I wanted to end things, and I knew I had to, but I feel so awful about it. It felt so impulsive, even though it always had to happen.
I’m 26, I want children. I want domesticity and security and stability. I want someone to love me. And I was feeling so secure in my decision. And his reply to my essay length message was that it was probably useless now, but he loves me.
I knew it couldnt continue because we fundamentally want different things but it feels so awful. I feel like I’ve been so flippant and cruel by doing it via text, I feel like I’ve thrown it all away. Of course I loved him. But it felt easier to end things when I didn’t think he loved me back. It was easier to convince myself that he didn’t, because if he did, why did it feel this way?
He loves me, but he never said it, and now it’s too late anyway.
And my fucking hot water system is broken so I can’t even cry in the shower about it.
Edited to add: yall will love this part. He’s 35.
Comments
It’s a way for him to manipulate you, it’s a fake love.
Move on.
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Witholding affirmations until it’s a tool to keep you. Classic move. He can’t just bank on you “knowing” that he “loves you”. You deserve to be told proudly. Move on.
You carried the emotional labor for both of you. You held space for his mental health, worried about how your leaving would affect him, and kept trying to define the relationship when he wouldn’t. That is not love. That is caregiving.
You’ve spent a lot of time explaining what you did for him. You stayed, supported him, and tried to protect him from his own fears of abandonment. But what did he actually do for you? What effort did he make to give you stability, clarity, or emotional safety?
You were showing up like a partner. He was someone who benefited from your love, your patience, and your presence without giving you real commitment or even calling you his girlfriend. Telling you he loves you only after you leave is not vulnerability. It is damage control.
It makes sense that it hurts. You loved him. But you also deserved to be loved out loud, with consistency, not with ambiguity and regret.
You did not do something cruel. You made a hard choice that you shouldn’t have had to make alone.
Years into my marriage, my husband had an amazing realization – that love means you want the person you love to feel good. You see, all this time his idea of love had been “this person makes ME feel good”. I wish I was kidding.
And OP, you make this man feel good, you support him, you give him love and attention, you’ve listened to and understood him… of course he “loves” you – in the same infantile sense my ex husband “loved” me when we got married. Then when we had a baby and I wasn’t able to serve all his needs + desires anymore and I needed HIM, guess what happened?
Girl, it’s a tale as old as time. They will always say “I love you, you’re the one” the moment you’ve had enough. Don’t be manipulated. It should not take 18 months for a guy to decide if he wants to be committed to you or not. Wasn’t he being flippant and cruel by not committing to you and supporting you consistently the way you needed? You’re genuinely not being mad enough about this.
His love for you was different than the love you need. He has alot of soul searching to do.
If it’s not an enthusiastic yes, then it’s a no. Don’t waste any more time on someone who only keeps you as an option. Also, it sounds as though all his real problems are self-inflicted. You can’t fix that for him. He needs to work on himself before he can give to anyone else. Do you want to have children with someone who can disappear any time? Really, truly, read up on the regretful parents sub. This is a tale as old as time, but we keep tricking ourselves into thinking we are different. We’re not. We’re doomed to the same faults all of our ancestors suffered. He’s clearly on a different path than you.
First of all, I’m terribly sorry about your shower. Crying under hot water is therapeutic after a breakup.
Secondly, if someone only admits they love you when you break up, you always have to ask why.
Why wouldn’t he do so in the countless times you stood by him? During the good times? This screams last attempt to keep you by his side.
Honestly, some breakups never feel truly “right.” But they are necessary. You can love someone deeply and still leave. You can be confused and still leave.
You knew you had to break it off eventually, and you did. I think that proves that you choose yourself first, despite whatever feelings you also have for him; and that’s valuable. Don’t regret choosing yourself, especially not in a situation like this.
Your wants and needs greatly vary from his lived reality and (most likely) future. That’s enough to know this isn’t sustainable, and that’s reason enough to choose your future, not a messy shared one that might never even come true.
Give it time, you’ll be okay.
And find a way to fix that shower ASAP!
He doesn’t love you. He’s used to you and just doesn’t want the routine to end. If he loved you he would’ve told you before, not as a way to try to get you to stick around. That’s not love.
Once you’re over this guy you’ll look back and wonder why you wasted so much time on him. There’s plenty of guys out there who want what you want, and won’t dangle attachment and lack of commitment over your head like sooo many immature boys do to women.
From what you’ve written, it sounds like you wanted to set clear boundaries but hadn’t? You don’t seem to mind the polyamory non-exclusivity, but the fact that you’re confused sounds like you didn’t get a good talk with him. Imagine if he had come to you and gave you clear expectations like: we are partners, it’s A, it’s B, we won’t do C, etc. But he didn’t because he’s not that kind of person. You will mesh better with someone who knows what they want and clearly communicates it. Don’t compromise or make excuses for the other person unless you two have made promises to support each other.
He doesn’t love you. He is saying the words you want to hear so he can continue to manipulate you and use you.
If “everyone” he lets in leaves, there may be good reasons, and HE is the common denominator. And beyond that, as people grow and their circumstances change, they will float into and out of your life.
I’m polyamorous. This dude you’re explaining isn’t. He’s avoidant and a commitmentphobe.
Doing it over text was not flippant or cruel. It was the best way for you to communicate what needed to be said. And it allowed you to remain strong in your decision. I’ve done things like that over text and I have zero regrets because I know myself enough to know that they would have changed my mind or manipulated me in person
His minimal reply to your message tells you everything you need to know. He is not invested, he is only interested in keeping you around for his benefit.
You want children. Why waste your time with someone who can’t even commit to call you girlfriend.
Kids are a much greater commitment than girlfriend
I know all of this is difficult. I know you had good times and love. That’s actually why you see so many posts where it’s obvious from the outside that something isn’t good for the person and they are still trying to justify staying – it’s attachment and our brain chemicals are in withdrawal without the person we are infatuated with/love. So then we try to rationalize staying and dream about how things could suddenly be be better with that person.
I guess I am trying to say that this is all very normal. I have been there with an ex. You think that it’s very special and unique – but that’s not necessarily the case. When I left my ex he lovebombed me and I went back many times. But when I finally left for good – it hurt a lot but it was the best thing for me. I ended up meeting my now husband about a year later.
Love is best when there aren’t complications and issues. That stuff within the first year are red flags in and of itself.
He’s poly – if you want to share him forever, feel free to try and make it work. But honestly if you want marriage and kids and all that, find someone who wants the same things. You’re still young and have plenty of time.
Okay girl this is wild because I’m in a really similar position. Literally FWB with an emotionally unavailable guy who wants to be polyamorous, and I want the Big Stuff (husband and kids). I’m 32 and feel the pressure of it but also I’m conflicted because I really enjoy his company (and what if he suddenly DOES want the Big Stuff? Ha -_-). He’s got trauma he’s working through and so do I. I know he’s giving what he has capacity to give but over and over it leaves me feeling unsatisfied, and often unsettled. I was gone for two weeks and the energy was… friendly but distant. So I wrote a letter to ask him to move to just friends yesterday but I never gave it to him because he came over and was as sweet as sugar and I remembered how much I enjoy his company and it made it complicated again.
I think we accept the love we think we deserve so I don’t know why I’m accepting emotionally unavailability but I guess that somewhere deep down I think it’s what I deserve? I just got out of a long relationship with a controlling man who I thought I was going to marry and who I still have feelings for so maybe that’s messed me up?
I don’t have any advice for you. I just came here to say same. It’s weird reading my own story posted by someone else.
If he loved you he would say it. He didn’t say it until you broke up. He said you are a partner. Get a clue. He told you the truth. Move one if you want a one on one love relationship.
It just sounds like he wants to pull you back in. 18 months is a long ass time. You have a career, are educated, I’m sure you can do better.
Maybe he does love you, but not in a way that actually serves you, what can you do with his love if it manifests itself in fear?
Anyway, a poly person should recognise that love isn’t an anchor, especially when you want fundamentally different lives — shouldn’t they? Hmmm.
I’m sure it hurts, just remember it’s a lesson and carry what you’ve learnt into the next relationship, I hope it’s everything you deserve <3
> they don’t see what it’s like most of the time
This is a typical thing people in bad and even abusive relationships say.
And I’m not sure after reading what you’ve written what good parts you even see?
> I want domesticity and security and stability.
You know you will not get that from this person. I will let others weigh in on whether that’s possible at all from someone polyamorous.
Mainly you’ll have to decide what “domesticity and security and stability” means for you.
Think about this before your next relationship and try to be more clear with yourself and anyone you date about what your down-the-road intentions are.
> “he’s not one of your patients.”
Therapist is 100% right here. Cut him loose and move on. You’ve communicated to him that the relationship is over. So it’s over.
U/ratsrulehell is 100% right that his 11th hour declaration of love is a petty manipulation.
It sure as shit ain’t “security and stability” and it’s not love.
You’re young and you will find you’ve learned a lot from this relationship. Good luck. You’ll be fine.
You said it yourself. You want different things in life. It’s a compatibility issue, and it’s best you broke it off for yourself. Otherwise it would be more difficult for you. Even if you stayed, your needs wouldn’t be met. Sounds like you wanna settle down and be with one individual. Who he is fundamentally as a polygamous individual, would not have worked.
You said it yourself. You have different goals. He loves you but that doesn’t change anything unless he is 100% committed to changing everything about himself and his goals/lifestyle to give you what you want. And you’ve mainly stayed out of guilt. This is the hardest part. You’ll feel like you’re dying for a while and want to go back to end that pain, but only prolong it for yourself. Going back doesn’t actually fix anything, it just prolonged the inevitable. Him loving you doesn’t change anything about him or his goals/lifestyle either, if it did, he already would have made those changes of his own accord. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it hurts so bad. You can’t cry in the shower, but get outside in the sunshine and get some fresh air and nature in you and help clear your head and get some dopamine and serratonin flowing. You’ll get through this and someday wonder why you waited so long!
I think your therapist is right. You’re applying your professional principles to your private life. Which isn’t a bad thing, unless there are no appropriate, contextual boundaries. This should be a TWO WAY relationship. What you are describing in terms of mental and emotional burden is very much one way, similar to a provider-patient relationship. You deserve to get what you want out of a partner/relationship as much as he does.
Something I’m picking up from what you are saying is fear of going against your personal values or self-judgment/criticism. You seem to view your behavior in a void, excluding all other situational/contextual aspects that should also factor into your judgment/decision. For example: it sounds like you are fundamentally different people who view relationships differently and want different things. This alone is sufficient to end things. If you go down the rabbit hole of “but he needs me now,” you will never leave. Because you have spent the time establishing yourself as his support system, which leaves a bigger hole when you leave, IF you can leave. I wonder if you can spend some time thinking, “what does it say about me when I do X? Is this 100% true? Does this singular action define me as a whole person? Are there mitigating/aggravating factors to support this belief I have about myself?”
you did the right thing. your therapist is right, he’s not one of your patients and it’s not your responsibility to “fix” people or leave them better than you found them. the domesticity, security, and safety that you want won’t be found with this guy. you’re simply incompatible, and even if his claims of love are true, he won’t be able to give you everything you want or need.
i hope your water gets fixed soon!! best of luck going forward <3
“Wait, I love you” lol
There are real partners in this world waiting for you.
You two fundamentally want different things at this point. He is poly and doesn’t want to commit to children and domesticity with one single person – that’s totally okay. But you want the opposite. So you two can wish each other the best and go your separate ways.
also, your therapist is so right – he’s not one of your patients. You don’t him your happiness or sacrificing what you want for your life
and frankly, I smell a schmuck with his whole, ‘ill wait till you break up with me before saying, ‘i love you’ that’s a schmuck move
Fascinating that you’re worried about leaving him worse than you found him, but he has no thought for you in that regard.
He’s had plenty of time to make this declaration to you, but not until he started to send you pulling away did he state it.
No one here is going to be able to convince you to love yourself more than you love the idea of this man. Because make no mistake it is an idea; though he’s been incredibly clear about who he is, you seem to believe that you can love or change him into someone else. That is not reality.
You also seem to want a monogamous relationship, so you should seek out partners who want the same, not try to control others into your way. And I say the exact same thing on the inverse. You need to take the energy that you’re using on him and make a more dedicated effort at improving your self-respect and self-confidence, your ability to state out your wants, set boundaries, and trust the choices you are making.
Again, no one here is going to be able to magically convince you of that. If you believe his words over the evidence of your eyes, Internet strangers are not going to be able to fix that on your behalf. If you want stability and security, that is something that you need to be able to provide and work on within self, which includes Learning to maintain healthy relationships and acting with discernment in who you keep yourself in community with.
I’ve stayed longer than I should because I was holding out for that miracle upswing that would mean I wasn’t leaving them worse than I found them. That just results in you being left worse than he found YOU.
As others have already said, did he not love you yesterday? Then he’s withholding until he feels the grip loosening and wants to pull you back in.
You deserve better than that, you’re not abandoning him, he doesn’t want to meet your needs and wants.
I just read the header, and my eyes sunk back and did the biggest role.
NATCH 🙄
People aren’t telling you to end it because they think there are no good times. It’s that this relationship isn’t good for you. It doesn’t bring you what you need. That doesn’t mean the man is a bad person. It just means that you have different needs.
Him saying the things he knows you’ve been wanting to hear, only after you end things, is a manipulation tactic and you should not fall for it. Make this a clean break, and spend the summer having fun.
Within this poly dynamic you will only* ever be a girlfriend/partner to this person, and you’re likely not their primary partner if you are a new addition
From the sounds of what you describe, I think you’re a monogamous person looking for a life partner to start a family with. This man will not be able to give you that. Him saying I love you won’t change anything
I think you need to create space in your life for the future spouse you want to build a life with
*obviously I don’t know how your relationship ranks in his hierarchy, or if he even has a one. All poly relationships are unique and I’m only assuming bases on what you’ve described
He definitely seems unhealthy and manipulative so you are correct to walk away, regardless of what he says now. My only question is, did you go into the relationship having communicated that you are not interested in polyamory long term or did you think that eventually he would get serious about a long term relationship and no longer be poly? I only ask because the confusion with the girlfriend/partner terminology seems to come from a place of not having the in depth conversations and communication necessary for a healthy, long term poly relationship.
From what you’re saying, it seems like he’s been using you for whatever he needed (mental support, sex) and keeping you on the hook by giving you just enough crumbs (like saying he considers you a partner after you had a big blow out over your relationship, and now saying that he loves you after you broke up with him) while at the same time manipulating you into feeling guilty and responsible for his mental health.
The age gap isn’t a coincidence either. The fact that, at 26, you already know what you want children and stability, while he’s 35 and can’t seem to get his shit together emotionally is telling. You have already outgrown him. And believe this 40 year-old woman when I tell you that your perspective on life will only evolve in the next decade. You’ll want to be with someone who can match your level of maturity and who doesn’t resort to manipulation to keep you around.
Your therapist is right: he is not your patient and you have no responsibility towards him. You do not owe him efforts to leave him better than when you found him. He is a fully grown adult and he’s responsible for his own life.
>But it felt easier to end things when I didn’t think he loved me back. It was easier to convince myself that he didn’t, because if he did, why did it feel this way?
I don’t know you or him, but I seriously doubt that he loves you. As you said, he knew exactly what to say to keep you hooked after your previous arguments. And he knows you well enough to know that you would feel exactly what you’re feeling right now if he just throws the “I love you” crumb. Extra points for the self-pitying “it’s probably useless now”. Manipulating you into coming back to the established pattern where you give and he takes emotional support.
My suggestion is to block him and keep talking to your therapist about why you feel responsible to give your emotional support a man who weaponizes your own needs for affection against you.
As a polyamorous person, I ask: it sounds like you want monogamy, or only an open relationship? So it is only good if you cut it off when it gets more serious. He should have had this discussion with you long ago if he puts your wellbeing at his own. He’s polyamorous, he has other partners – you have a ticking monogamish clock and need to put your romantic efforts in finding a partner who understands and is compatible with you – and puts your needs at their own..
OP, I had to learn this the hard way over many years:
Never listen to a man’s words. Only listen to his actions.
Men will say whatever they need to say to get what they want. When you’re finally serious about leaving, they’ll say whatever they think you want to hear, or whatever they think will guilt you into staying.
Whether it’s negging you to make you feel like you couldn’t do any better than him, or telling you he loves you so that you won’t leave, he doesn’t mean any of it. He’s only saying it to get what he wants.
In your case, he doesn’t want to lose his free caregiver, so he’s telling you he loves you so that you won’t leave him. He doesn’t actually give a fuck about you. If he did, he would’ve shown you that through his actions many times over in the last 18 months.
Don’t be like me. Don’t listen to him. Only listen to what his actions have been telling you. Do his actions say he loves you? Does he make an effort to be kind to you? Does he treat you lovingly? Does she show Care? Does he perform thoughtful gestures? Does he listen to what you say and remember it later?
That’s what you need to listen to.
Yeaaaah, waiting til you leave to tell you he loves you.. that shit right there is what we call a manipulation.
>
I didn’t want to affirm his idea that whenever he lets people in, they leave.
There’s probably good reason as to why people leave him be. Like who wants to be with a manipulator who has commitment issues and uses people?
You giving this dude this much consideration is ridiculous, he won’t even acknowledge you as a girlfriend. Poly people use labels like girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancée, wife, husband, et cetera.. They are vegans of the relationship world, they are very vocal about their chosen lifestyle and who they are involved with and how/where they rank in their lives. I am so sorry he sucked you in, you will be better off burying this bad moment in your life like a pupu in a litterbox. Time will heal all your wounds, I wish you the best.
He doesn’t/didn’t love you, he was just stringing you along because it was convenient for him, he was getting all your benefits without any responsibilities or accountability to you, and he didn’t have anyone else at the moment. I’ve seen it time and time again, as soon as he finds the “right” one he’ll be committed in a second, he’ll be saying “I Love you”, and he’ll be married without any delays, gaslighting, polyamory, or stall tactics.
Don’t let your situationship keep you from finding your husband.
Someone with abandonment trauma can fuck the people they are in relationships with up. I stayed out of pity for much too long. I enabled for much too long. They always give you what you what when you’re finally fed up (the I love you) but it’s all just manipulation. He doesn’t love you like you love him. He loves what you bring to the table. He loves you as an object and not as a person. I’m sorry.
People like that are too busy sabotaging themselves to create their self fulfilling prophecy. Look up FOG. He’s keeping you around with fear (what will happen to him if you’re not there) obligation (making you feel responsible for his mental health) and guilt (you feel bad for confirming that when he lets someone in, they leave)
What’s the common denominator here? He is. And he doesn’t want to change he just wants you back in his box.
All of what’s currently happening aside:
> They don’t see what it’s like most of the time, they just hear the bad stuff.
This is a relationship killer that you need to stop doing if you ever want a partner to meet your friends and have a good relationship with them in the future. Knock this shit off, never bad mouth your partner to your friends
This guy will keep you from the life that you want. The longer you raise him, the further you are from raising your future children.
This guy will teach you that some people just lie and use people. He may or may not be conscious of it, but either way… there is no scenario where he “changes for you.”
People don’t do that.
A day late, and everything short for that man. Walk on, you will do better.
I read this and clocked him as an emotional manipulator. When I got to the part about him being almost a decade older than and med-30s, that confirmed it.
Saying “I love you” only when you are ready to break up is straight-up emotional manipulation. The mixed signals are emotional manipulation. The “vulnerability” that he shows you with his mental health a mess is emotional manipulation (if he is that much of a mess, why is he not concentrating on getting better instead of leaning on his “FWB”?).
A polyamorous who is genuinely into it is not going to want to get with a confused monogamous person, especially one so much younger and unaware. That is begging for problems. Being polyamorous also does not preclude someone from having a girlfriend. The issue is many men are using this as a guardrail against emotional intimacy, but then they obviously don’t know how to keep things emotionally casual, mainly because they want the “girlfriend” benefits without much commitment.
Push-and-pull, hot-and-cold, mixed signals are a specific kind of manipulation called intermittent reinforcement. Even if you think he is cluelessly doing this “on accident,” it would indicate someone so mentally all over the place that he doesn’t understand his own mind. Does it seem good for you to stick with this? At 35, I do not believe it is accidental, but believe men this age continue to engage in this kind of weaponized emotional incompetence.
Your friends were telling you the truth. Your therapist offered you some great insight. He has to want to work on himself, not use up a young woman as his emotional crutch.