Honest answers only.
I’m rapidly approaching 40, and a huge life goal is to stop caring what others think.
From my own father to my coworkers, I put way too much stock into what other people think.
At my job, I left a more prestigious position (with a terrible schedule) to a much less prestigious one- but with banker’s hours so I don’t miss my kids’ childhood.
I feel a sense of judgement from people around me, probably imagined, and even from my father- who worked at the same industry and had achieved a very prestigious position in this line of work.
What did you do to overcome this ridiculous problem?
Comments
I don’t think it’s a ridiculous problem, and I have no fucking idea. I think realisation is the start…. most people don’t even know they have this problem so you’re more self aware than most!
Some therapy (yes I have to say that) helps you to process things and understand more….
But I also kind of think that everyone wants to be valued and judged in a good light and that’s just a human thing, the only time it becomes a problem is when it starts dictating your life and choices and results in bad choices. Not that I would know ANYTHING ABOUT THAT. Obviously.
I hate to break it to you, but some people have those feelings forever.
If you’re 40 and these feeling haven’t subsided, I am not sure they ever will.
I know people in their 70s that care more about what others think of them than their own family.
I consider it a mental illness of sorts or at minimum the inability to fully mature. But, it’s actually probably pretty normal and I am the abnormal one not caring at all.
Hey, I relate to this more than I’d like to admit. What helped me was realizing that most people are too busy with their own insecurities to truly care about mine. I realized that the judgment I imagined was 90% in my head and the 10% that was real? That was their baggage, not mine.
It’s not easy, but every time I choose my peace over their approval.
It’s impossible to please everyone. A desire for affirmation isn’t bad. You just have to limit who you want it from, and that lets you ignore others more easily.
I started paying attention to what the things were that most people did approve of, and realized I didn’t want to be in that group.
Based on what you’ve said, you seem driven by your morals. These people do not share your moral philosophy. They dont care about their children the same way you do. You value presence while they value status.
Why should you care about their opinion?
It takes a lot of work, there are different modalities you can try but it can take months before it feels authentic.
A lot of it will be childhood trauma, most age 0-2 but still a lot going on from 2-15. Confront all that, some of its a bit of mental digging.
‘I’m worried my coworkers think X’
Why’s that so scary?
‘Well because that means xyz’
Why’s that so scary?
And so on. You’re not worried these people think XYZ. You already think XYZ about yourself and you’re scared they will affirm it.
Takes a bit to wrap your head around but thats how you do it. You dig and you dig through all your sad gross feelings until your body fills with anxiety, and then you calm back down – realise you’re alive and it can’t kill you. We’re social creatures, not being liked used to also mean being kicked out of the tribe and starving to death so our anxiety to social things is whack.
This will come across as twee but being able to watch your kids grow with you actually being there should be enough reason for you to not give a fuck about other people opinions over what YOU should do with YOUR life.
I think i have developed a pretty healthy relationship to affirmation, but you gotta rethink the question.
It is not about overcoming the need for affirmation, which is a very fundamental social need, but to direct your need of affirmation to the people that matter.
For me it has helped me to change our friends that have given me little to no second thoughts, for the people that do. The ones that do, you invest heavily into and little by little you expand your new network.
I’m not gonna lie to you, it ain’t easy. But it started with me admitting to myself that it wasn’t making me happy, that I hated it every time I did something to please someone who doesn’t really care about me.
After that, it’s like all the other pieces just slowly fell into place.
Having a fat bank account. At some point you reach a fuck it point.
Turned 50
I remember a folktale told to us as children, it was called “The miller, his son, and the donkey”. It discusses how impossible it is to please everyone because they all have conflicting expectations. The whole story ends in disaster but everyone is alive, so it is a happier ending than most my childhood folktales.
Basically, determine what is important to you and hold yourself to those standards.
Imagine being on your deathbed. What are you going to regret more: giving up the prestigious position or not spending enough time with your kids?
When you are on your deathbed, your father and your coworkers from decades ago are almost certainly not going to be there. So make the choice you want to make, and remember that no-one can have everything they want.
Always choose yourself and your kids first. Although outside sources are needed and healthy, you should be your own primary source of affirmation and peace. You are a people pleaser. You are this way because your parents probably gave you conditional love, just like they continue to have judgemental eyes on you. This is probably further ingrained in your family culture than just your parents.
As I said, you need to learn to choose yourself first in every facet. Unfortunately sometimes the only way to see it that way clearly is to go through some kind of pain or heartache. Being aware of it in the first place doesn’t hurt. Practice it.
I’m sorry it’s this way for you. Best of luck.
No one else is thinking about you. They are too worried about what you think of them.
First, I want to say that I am with you. I was in my 40s before I started to understand that I had been living to make other people comfortable my whole life.
You have to have clarity of purpose. If you know what you’re trying to accomplish and how you want to get there, then you start to realize that no one else can see the gameplan like you. They don’t see all the moving pieces. They have no right and no basis for comment.
Further, many times people are telling you you’re doing something “wrong” for no other reason than it makes them uncomfortable. So what? Why do you care? They can be uncomfortable. That’s a “them” problem.
Focus on the ONE AND ONLY LIFE YOU GET. No one else gets to make decisions for you. When they try to, they are being selfish and controlling.
I just turned 40. It’s still my biggest issue. Following.
Attention is a basic human need, we are social creatures.
You don’t get over the desire for affirmation or praise, you just get over the negative impact not getting it has.
Everyone wants to be told they’re doing a good job, praised and appreciated, but focusing on who that praise comes from is important. If you wouldn’t go to that person for advice on that subject, their criticism shouldn’t matter to you either.
I read a quote somewhere that said, ‘You’ll never be criticized by someone doing more than you. Only by those doing less.’ That shut the voices up real quick lol
When I hit 40, I stopped caring what others thought, trimmed my ‘friends’ down and became a bit more bitchy for wanting of a better term.
I always thought my Dad wasn’t proud of me because I didn’t go to university, have a top career, own my own property etc. Basically all of the things that you’re supposed to want. I worked in healthcare and one of my work colleagues told us about her parents. They were both top surgeons and highly respected in their fields. She was well educated but not a surgeon and no aspirations to be anything like one. She told us that one time she actually sat her parents down and openly told them that she could never aspire to be anything like them and she doesn’t want them to be disappointed in that. She was received really well and they all had an open and supportive conversation about it.
I never forgot about what she said and one day I had a similar conversation with my dad and turns out he is proud of me and all of the assumptions I had carried around with me were of my own making.
So I’d said get the courage and have the conversation.
Also the majority of people are too busy thinking about all of their own shit to give yours another thought.
You realize you’re going to be in a hole in the ground one day and their opinions of you likely won’t matter.
Think of how many are lost to history
It sounds like you’re making moves that benefit you and your family. It shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Do you put that much stock into what people on the Internet tell you? Same should apply from any people from outside your immediate family. When I hit 40, my views on others opinions of me meant very little. You honestly don’t need affirmation as long as you believe what you’re doing is best.
In this world, you can’t please everyone. This is one of the simplest truths in life. You should already know this.
The flip side of this is that you can choose who you please. The happiest people choose themselves.
So, your issue really isn’t in obtaining some confirmation bias. Your issue is in accepting that your decisions are going to make you happy.
Your father choose to spend his time at work. He’s easily replaced there.
You are choosing to spend your time with your family. You are not replaceable there.
Which one of these decisions do you think will have the greatest impact?
Find things you are proud of yourself for. Not just things you can point out just yourself but things important loved ones might point out. Will the person you were last year be proud of who you are now?
When telling stories, are you talking about how much you earned or the moments with your kids and family?
Are you able to have a little time with loved ones and by yourself, focusing a little on health, even if its being able to sleep in on a saturday?
If someone actually talks about you, is it actually true or just words that are trying to hurt you? Any hurtful wards are meaningless if they dont know anything about you and doesnt affect the things YOU find important.
Remember most of these people are not really your friends and do not care about you.
Getting older. Your fine. Keep going.
Make a mental list of people in your life closest to you. Then extend this list a little further out to include neighbors, cousins, work friends, etc. now ask yourself how much you value their opinion. Like, actually care aout what they think of the things you do. Do they have their shit together? Are they living a life you’d want? Would you want to be them? If the answer is no, then you’ll see what their opinion is actually worth. Fuckin nothing.
If you wouldn’t take advice from people you don’t admire, then why would you accept judgment? You don’t have to concern yourself with the opinions of the vast, vast majority of people in your life. They aren’t paying attention to you anyway.
You should care what other people think, but you shouldn’t obsess over it and have it drive your decision making. What other people think should be part of the input, but not the driving force of how you lead your life.
Even in your own example, you don’t want to miss your kids childhood. That’s because you care about their wellbeing, your relationship with them and what they think of you.
I stopped caring about what random strangers, activists and politicians think about me. I do care about what the people I love and care about think about me.