Ok so- my boyfriend (M 31) and I (F 26) live together but have very different morning routines. He likes to get up early, around 6, walk his dog, then come back and get ready. While I like to sleep in as long as possible and get up around 8. Our bedroom is set up so you walk through the closet to get to the bathroom, and there is no door on the closet. When he gets up and when he comes back to get ready, he doesn’t even TRY to be quiet, knowing I am sleeping. He doesn’t try to quietly close doors or drawers, keeps the bathroom door open the whole time he gets ready, and turns the lights on for the entire thing (not just while he is in the closet looking for something to wear). I have asked him multiple times to please TRY and be quiet in the mornings and it always ends in an argument.
When we first started dating 2.5 years ago, I was the one who had to get up early for work. And every morning I would make it a point to be as quiet as possible to let him sleep, soft closing doors, brining my clothes into the bathroom to change and keeping the door closed, using my phone flashlight if I needed to get anything out of the room he was in, etc. He says I can’t bring that up as an example when we argue over this because it was such a long time ago?
Well, this morning he was being loud in all the normal ways, even humming at one point in the room I am clearly sleeping in. I asked him if he was still in the closet or could turn the light off now, and he just said “damn can I have 5 minutes” and continued doing what he was doing. He never turned the light off even when he started brushing his teeth in the bathroom with the door open.
I had had enough this morning, as I was exhausted and hadn’t been sleeping well the past couple nights and he knew that, and I grabbed my pillow in a huff and went to the guest room and slammed the door behind me. When he was done getting ready he barged into the guest room, told me to have a good weekend because he would no longer be joining me on our plans, and that I should of just told him to go f*** himself, and stormed out of the apartment.
So reddit, AITA for getting upset over lights being on and huffing away and slamming the door behind me over this?
Comments
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Backup of the post’s body: Ok so- my boyfriend (M 31) and I (F 26) live together but have very different morning routines. He likes to get up early, around 6, walk his dog, then come back and get ready. While I like to sleep in as long as possible and get up around 8. Our bedroom is set up so you walk through the closet to get to the bathroom, and there is no door on the closet. When he gets up and when he comes back to get ready, he doesn’t even TRY to be quiet, knowing I am sleeping. He doesn’t try to quietly close doors or drawers, keeps the bathroom door open the whole time he gets ready, and turns the lights on for the entire thing (not just while he is in the closet looking for something to wear). I have asked him multiple times to please TRY and be quiet in the mornings and it always ends in an argument.
When we first started dating 2.5 years ago, I was the one who had to get up early for work. And every morning I would make it a point to be as quiet as possible to let him sleep, soft closing doors, brining my clothes into the bathroom to change and keeping the door closed, using my phone flashlight if I needed to get anything out of the room he was in, etc. He says I can’t bring that up as an example when we argue over this because it was such a long time ago?
Well, this morning he was being loud in all the normal ways, even humming at one point in the room I am clearly sleeping in. I asked him if he was still in the closet or could turn the light off now, and he just said “damn can I have 5 minutes” and continued doing what he was doing. He never turned the light off even when he started brushing his teeth in the bathroom with the door open.
I had had enough this morning, as I was exhausted and hadn’t been sleeping well the past couple nights and he knew that, and I grabbed my pillow in a huff and went to the guest room and slammed the door behind me. When he was done getting ready he barged into the guest room, told me to have a good weekend because he would no longer be joining me on our plans, and that I should of just told him to go f*** himself, and stormed out of the apartment.
So reddit, AITA for getting upset over lights being on and huffing away and slamming the door behind me over this?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
NTA he is a prick!
This is absolutely nuts me and most the people I know this is the exact opposite I always try to be quiet for my significant others but every one of my relationships the woman always would blast through the house all lights the banging the whole nine and you’d see me looking and sounding like a mouse
I’ve been in relationships where we have the exact same issue and it always ends in a fight for me too. I’ve also experienced relationships where the other person is courteous, considerate and self aware in the mornings (like how you would act in the mornings). I’ve come to realize that it’s not just the morning stuff that bothers me in the long haul, it’s the lack of conscientiousness and it leads to other problems in the relationship for me. It’s kinda a difference of values imo. I’m actually seeing someone new right now and spent the night for the first time recently. He was more of the disrespecting my sleep type of person and im noting it as a red flag unfortunately… I’ve come to learn that this specifically tells me a lot about how mindful, respectful and compassionate a partner will be to me.
You’re NTA but you should evaluate this guy and the way you want to be treated. If you can talk it through and ask that he please respect your sleep more, great! If not, think about the lack of respect here.
I can’t imagine living with someone who complains about something as simple as lighting AND is incapable of making a paragraph.
He’s not being respectful tbh, so you arent the a-hole. Not waking someone up is just common curtesy.
I work 2 hours earlier than my partner every morning and I couldn’t imagine disrupting her sleep because of it. I always get my stuff ready the night before and just dress in teh dark with my cell light on low. Then move to the rest room (lightly closing the door) to finish getting ready.
I’m guessing there’s more to this story. I would like to hear it from the boyfriends side.
My partner and I get up at different times on different days – it alternates who is earlier on different days.
If one of us really wants a good night’s sleep we will go to the guest room.
Otherwise the one who gets up early tries to be quiet, and the one who wants to sleep uses earplugs and an eye mask. Meet each other halfway
…do you seriously want to date someone who has such little regard for you, talks to you like that AND throws a temper tantrum?
I’m not saying break up but damn, break up, this behaviour is extremely unattractive. At least sit his childish ass down and try to get to the bottom of as to why he hates you so fucking much.
Honestly, I feel so sorry for you.
Nta
NTA, he just lacks common courtesy. I get up way before my partner, and I use my phone’s screen on dim to navigate the bedroom to keep it dark and quiet. I close the door behind me, and minimize my presence so she can sleep in peace. Why? Because I’m a decent human being.
People show you how they feel about you. He’s showing that he does not respect you at all. If you want this for the rest of your life, then don’t change anything.
Never give your 20s to a man!
He’s a jerk. Dump him.
NTA! Respect comes in all forms, he is not respectful. Living with another person is give and take. How can you love someone and ignore basic needs like uninterrupted sleep?!? And then he yells at you on top of it?! No just no. Because lack of sleep will absolutely ruin you. It sounds like you care more about him than he does about you, he sounds so petty and selfish I don’t know how you can look at him and say “yes that’s my man!” Real partners give a shit. He doesn’t. What else is he selfish with? Food, money, time? I hope you chew on all this and get some rest. Shoot I’d be in the spare bedroom making it mine after his nonsense.
Why are you with somebody who is so incredibly selfish, thoughtless, and then gets mad at you because you asked him for basic courtesy?
Then he throws a temper tantrum and isn’t going to go wherever you’re supposed to go this weekend?
This isn’t just about him being considered in the morning. It’s a complete lack of respect for you. And when you point out how you be behaved a couple of years earlier, he just dismisses you.
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who’s so disrespectful to you? Especially when you’re asking something so simple and easy to do.
NTA. I work shift work and get up a few hours after my partner goes to sleep. I pack my bag and lunch the night before along with having my clothes ready. That way I never have to turn the light on in the room he’s sleeping in, or rummage around looking for things. Its not that hard.
NTA. Sweetheart, break it thr fuck off with him! He’s a full blown narcissist. Go onto tik tok and look this up.
One of the key points of domestic abuse, in terms of emotional/mental abuse from men like this is, THIS EXACTLY SENARIO.
Refusing to let you sleep, intentionally making it so you can’t.
It’s not even slightly unintentional. It’s a bullshit powerplay. And it’s his baby man ego not liking the internalized misogynistic idea that him walking around on eggshells is some form of submission. Coupled with the narcissist enjoyment of controlling your sleep.
There are soooo many stories out there like this.
Gurenteed if you ever did to him what he’s doing to you, he would have gone ballistic and screamed, yelled stomped.
Women need to start curbing thier men at the very first sign if disrespect in a relationship. No free passes, no multiple times of the same thing, no letting them talk around it. And definitely not letting it go, and then resuming normal activities of sex, food, laundry.
Right now your only option is to break up, move out.
You gonna have to have a big set of stones to do it.
He will make you feel like your insane and ridiculous for doing this. So I highly suggest you get your ducks in a row and move out quickly and quietly when he’s at work with no warning.
He will be angry, call you names, or cry and threaten to end himself. He will say you never even gave him a chance. But realistically you’ve given him every chance and he’s just been dismissive and continued the abuse.
Move into your parents temporarily while you save and get your own place. Leave him a note and change your number, hide socials, and do a fast pack n move in one day.
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMSXcr7yw/
He doesn’t respect you. Perhaps it’s time to reevaluate your situation.
Like your boyfriend, I’m an early riser. I’m expected at work by 6:30
My partner on the other hand is like you, and sleeps late. She gets home roughly 4 hours before I leave, so our sleep cycles do not match at all.
When she comes to bed she’s quiet and respectful. When I get up I return the favor.
The closet you can fix with a curtain. You can get one dark enough to block light. Your boyfriend is another matter entirely. Maybe try waking him up during his sleep cycle so he understands what he’s doing. Regardless, he shouldn’t be with someone he doesn’t respect.
What a selfish a*****e. Refusing to be considerate of another person’s need for sleep is in a class of its own for asshole behavior, IMO. I wouldn’t last beyond a second morning with someone who intentionally made it obvious he DGAF.
NTA.
This seems passive aggressive. Is he jealous that you’re still sleeping? Does he want you to be up earlier and helping with things around the house?
I get up before my husband and there’s no door between our bedroom and bathroom – so we hung up a curtain to block the light. Yo work together to find solutions.
The trash took itself out. He’s not just discourteous, he’s actively sabotaging your sleep and saying you’re wrong for being upset. Some morning noise and light is unavoidable but he’s not even trying. Think about the rest of your relationship? Does he respect your wants and needs in other areas? Does he treat you like he likes you? Because from where I’m standing he’s being antagonistic in the morning, NOT how we treat the person we want to be with forever.
NTA my partner and I have different schedules. I wake up at 7 every day during the week. Some days they are up at 5 and others not til 9. We both get our clothes organized the night before so we don’t disturb each other, neither turns on lights in the bedroom, we both open and close the door quietly. Why? Because we respect and care about each other.
He is doing this on purpose because he doesn’t want you to be sleeping. It’s a control issue and a giant red flag.
NTA. But your boyfriend sure is. I’ve been married for 27 years. My husband still doesn’t turn any lights on in the bedroom if I’m sleeping, and the same for me. It’s called mutual respect. Your boyfriend does not actually care about you. He might care about what you can give to him and how you can please him. But he doesn’t actually care about you. And he absolutely does not respect you.
Maybe he should go f himself then after all, he’s so inconsiderate
I take issue with people who get mad because someone is mad/annoyed at them. It’s immature and has obviously worked to make you question your totally normal reaction.
I would have told him to go f him self honestly. That is some atrocious behaviour. What a dick.
NTA. You should have text him to go f*** himself after his dramatic flounce. I think I’d call it quits after this.
NTA He seems to be very passive-aggressively trying to force you on to his schedule. Does he attempt to control your activities in other areas? Of course he does, the whole ‘have a good weekend because he won’t be joining’ Is classic passive aggressive control behavior.
The last few years my husband was working and I wasn‘t, he got up quietly, closed the bedroom door and used the downstairs bathroom instead of our ensuite. Yes, he got his clothes ready the night before and brought them downstairs. Real men show they care.
>(He) told me.. ..that I should of just told him to go f*** himself”
Yes, you should have.
NTA
I’m a teacher so during the summer, I don’t have to get up early. My husband on the other hand still works. He is sometimes so quiet. I don’t even know that he has left. He’s very respectful and keeps the lights off and is quiet when he’s getting what he needs. It’s all about being respectful and caring about your partner. Your partner obviously has no respect for you and doesn’t care.
So he did it to provoke a fight and get out of weekend plans? I’m sure you’ll find he uses this often when it’s not just a case of him being an asshole. I bet that if you make a pro/con list, you’ll see his self-centered viewpoint crops up much more than you realize.
I dated this guy. Then I didn’t. The latter was much more pleasant.
His morning routine and lack of consideration seem to be a symptom of a larger problem. No one is that oblivious to basic common courtesy.
NTA but you need to seriously reflect on how strong & healthy this relationship is.
Get up at 4am. Do the same
My husband and I are very considerate of the other sleeping in. It’s must common courtesy. If the other isn’t up, keep the bathroom door shut getting ready and no playing music. We move through the room quietly, and close the door behind us softly.
This whole situation with OP sounds like a complete lack of respect and is not the basis for a successful long term relationship.
Chronic lack of sleep can cause brain inflammation which can lead to at least a dozen different ailments.
I’ve dealt with neuro inflammation and it’s seriously messed up my body, to the point that I was disabled in my mid 30s!
Are you willing to gamble your future health on a guy who won’t even be the slightest bit conscientious? What happens if you have children with this guy?
Your boyfriend is a dismissive asshole.
He has a rule that you can’t bring up past behaviors because they were a long time ago? What is that nonsense? How else is he inconsiderate?
My wife and I have different sleep schedules. And both of us do our utmost to not wake the other up, me in the evening and she in the morning. You’re NTA but your boyfriend is apos.
What the hell? NTA but are you sure that he is 31 and not 13!?!? I can’t believe he’s 31, like damn! You’re describing the behaviour of a moody teenager, not a grown-up. I would lose all attraction to him if my boyfriend behaved that way. You’d be better on your own with no one to obnoxiously wake you up (it even sounds like he was doing it on purpose out of spite) and start arguments with you, throwing childish tantrums. He doesn’t respect you at all.
He’s a dick. You’re a fool if you think he’s the one.
My wife and I have been married for 47 years. Courtesy is important in a relationship. Just plain being nice to each other is important. Caring about each other’s feelings and comfort is important.
This guy doesn’t care enough about your comfort or feelings. Doing something intentionally is an indication of that.
Again, this guy’s a dick.
NTA but have you tried earplugs?
Wake up at 4am and start slamming stuff around
He’s doing it on purpose. When people show you who they really are, believe them.
This isn’t just thoughtlessness. If it was, he would apologize for forgetting and try to do better for a couple weeks. Instead, when you solve your own problem by moving to the guest room he became furious and “punished” you by cancelling plans. He is deliberately sabotaging your morning sleep. So the question is, why are you staying with someone who hates you?
Ton mec, il craint.
Wow, what a passive-aggressive jerk!
And what is this ridic thing about not bringing up things from the past? Are you supposed to bring up stuff from the future? You can definitely request reciprocity based on your previous conduct. The fact that he’s not extending the same courtesy to you speaks volumes. His excuses are just that.
Does he have any redeeming qualities?
Your boyfriend sucks. I was in a relationship for years, and my S.O. did this (along with the 5 alarms she refused to acknowledge over the course of 70 minutes), and we aren’t together anymore.
I know it seems like something small to some people, but I wake easily and have difficulty falling asleep. He needs to get his clothes out the night before and be a decent human being who cares about his partner.
NTA your boyfriend is an immature jerk. I would recommend leaving him. You two are not really compatible for living together.
NTA
I keep editing my comment because the more I re read this post the more I hate your bf, sorry.
The fact that after you went to the guest room, he was just angry. I get it like, his first reaction might be “oh why is she always so mad at me” or some other dumb shit, but he should be able to regulate his emotions and sit with his thoughts for 5 minutes and recognise “okay I was keeping her awake and she just wants to get some more rest”
imo the lack of regard for your comfort is what makes partner an asshole, because he seems completely unwilling to compromise or work with you. The fact that he gets so angry and can’t even bother to take any accountability for the way he’s disturbing your sleep, is what makes him a mega asshole.
Nice try, bot. F-
Going forward, the guest room is now your weeknight bedroom. Explain it in simple neutral terms, like “It’s hard for me to get enough sleep, and it’s hard for you to get ready without accidentally waking me up. This way we’re not in each other’s way, and won’t argue about morning noise and light anymore.”
Then see whether things get better or worse. If he starts getting loud in the hall outside the guest room, you’ll know he’s doing this on purpose.
Sleep deprivation is abuse and literally a torture method. The more worn down and exhausted we are, the less strength/cognition we have available to defend ourselves or find safety.
Honestly, it sounds like he is trying to break up with you. But he is too much of a wimp to actually do it himself. What, pretell, does he bring to your life that is worth all this?
Are you staying up later while he goes to bed early because of this early rising?
Because I’m NOT advocating that you should come banging into the room while he’s sleeping and turn on lights and loudly brush teeth and flush and rifle through clothing and slam drawers and stomp around and disrespect his sleeping time.. because that’s not a healthy way to deal with conflict in a relationship. 🙃
Seriously OP this is not just about sleep. This guy is disrespectful and uncaring af, and this is behavior we don’t put up with.
He needs to come to a compromise or he needs to FO like he suggested. 👍
Jerk
People who love each other protect the sleep of their sweetheart. The end. Good riddance.
NTA at all. my girlfriend sleeps later than me and i use my phone flashlight to look in my drawers and installed small clicker lights in my closet (both next to the bed) so the light doesn’t wake her. i’m more than happy to do so.
Maybe he’s right…you should tell him to F off. He sounds inconsiderate.
You probably should tell him to go f*ck himself 🤷♀️