I (43 f) live with my husband (45m) in a joint family set up. We live with our kids A (16) and N(10). We also live with my BIL and his son (10) and my MIL. BIL’s wife passed away during child birth. Last week my MIL came up to me one morning and told me that she had woken up to get water when she walked by my bedroom and said she heard my husband and I having sex! She said that it was inappropriate for me to be engaging in these kind of things as a woman of my age and that I should focus on being a mother. I was mortified so I quickly agreed to not have sex. Two days later she came back to me and said that she heard us again so now she wants me to sleep in her room. She says that it is how it should be as she and my FIL also slept in separate rooms until his passing. I thought she was joking but she came back at night and asked me to come to her room. It was 1 am and she was starting to yell so I agreed to go despite my husband protesting.
The next morning I was in the kitchen when my husband came in. We were both annoyed when my BIL walked in. He asked why I was sleeping in his mother’s room as BIL had walked in that morning when he came to give her meds. I was a little hesitant but my husband told him we were engaging in marital relations (but tried telling it to him through subtle hints)My BIL was a bit confused and wanted clarification when my MIL walked in. My BIL asked her and she said that it was because we were being dirty. I was angry and told her it was normal when she started going off about how we were immature and she ended up calling me a whore (in our language). I was furious and before I could say anything my husband stepped in and started telling his mother to calm down. But this is when his brother stepped in and he agreed that a woman like me who is a mother should not be lusting over a sband lost it and went off and told him that he was just being crazy. BIL tried saying that his wife and him never did things like this and the only reason they ever did it was to have a child. He said that if she were alive they would also keep their distance. This is when my husband snapped and told him that he was the reason his wife died.
Now a little context is that my BILs wife was pregnant 4 times before having their son but at all those times BIL made her abort until she had the son. But due to this she was too weak and passed away. BIL was extremely hurt and left the room. My MIL said that it was all my fault and she told my husband that he was a shameless man and a bad father. My husband and I are thinking of moving out. We aren’t sure how to tell our kids this. My BILs wife’s parents called us as BIL moved there and they’re saying we are the AHs for being vulgar and it was not okay for us to be doing this. They think that we are the AHs for snapping at my BIL and accusing him of those things. They also say we’re the AHs for not listening to MIL. My parents and brother think that it is healthy for us and they are saying that MIL and BIL are the AHs for interfering in our marriage. So AITAH?
Edit: I am from India so it is very normal for us to live in joint families. My husband and I did think of moving out when my daughter was born but after my BILs wife passed my MIL wanted help with my nephew. I love him as my son so I was fine with living there. He gets along great with our kids as well.
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/throwawayRA-228:
I (43 f) live with my husband (45m) in a joint family set up. We live with our kids A (16) and N(10). We also live with my BIL and his son (10) and my MIL. BIL’s wife passed away during child birth. Last week my MIL came up to me one morning and told me that she had woken up to get water when she walked by my bedroom and said she heard my husband and I having sex! She said that it was inappropriate for me to be engaging in these kind of things as a woman of my age and that I should focus on being a mother. I was mortified so I quickly agreed to not have sex. Two days later she came back to me and said that she heard us again so now she wants me to sleep in her room. She says that it is how it should be as she and my FIL also slept in separate rooms until his passing. I thought she was joking but she came back at night and asked me to come to her room. It was 1 am and she was starting to yell so I agreed to go despite my husband protesting.The next morning I was in the kitchen when my husband came in. We were both annoyed when my BIL walked in. He asked why I was sleeping in his mother’s room as BIL had walked in that morning when he came to give her meds. I was a little hesitant but my husband told him we were engaging in marital relations (but tried telling it to him through subtle hints)My BIL was a bit confused and wanted clarification when my MIL walked in. My BIL asked her and she said that it was because we were being dirty. I was angry and told her it was normal when she started going off about how we were immature and she ended up calling me a whore (in our language). I was furious and before I could say anything my husband stepped in and started telling his mother to calm down. But this is when his brother stepped in and he agreed that a woman like me who is a mother should not be lusting over a sband lost it and went off and told him that he was just being crazy. BIL tried saying that his wife and him never did things like this and the only reason they ever did it was to have a child. He said that if she were alive they would also keep their distance. This is when my husband snapped and told him that he was the reason his wife died.
Now a little context is that my BILs wife was pregnant 4 times before having their son but at all those times BIL made her abort until she had the son. But due to this she was too weak and passed away. BIL was extremely hurt and left the room. My MIL said that it was all my fault and she told my husband that he was a shameless man and a bad father. My husband and I are thinking of moving out. We aren’t sure how to tell our kids this. My BILs wife’s parents called us as BIL moved there and they’re saying we are the AHs for being vulgar and it was not okay for us to be doing this. They think that we are the AHs for snapping at my BIL and accusing him of those things. They also say we’re the AHs for not listening to MIL. My parents and brother think that it is healthy for us and they are saying that MIL and BIL are the AHs for interfering in our marriage. So AITAH?
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> I was mortified so I quickly agreed to not have sex.
I’m sorry, but I can’t read on. I crumpled my glasses out of sheer eww.
You and your husband should have had a home for your children 16 years ago when you had your 1st child.
You have overstayed your welcome in that house and need to take your children and go and provide them with a home of their own.
No wonder everyone is treating you like teenagers and interfering with your marriage.
You’re living like teenagers in their parents home.
Get your own house and leave those mad people in their house. What is difficult about telling YOUR CHILDREN that you as their parents have got a home for YOUR FAMILY?
South Asia?
NTA for loving your husband, having a normal intimacy the man you married.
YTA by not explaining that you are of a culture that you did not describe why this would be an issue to be having normal intimacy relations with the man you married. And also for actually listening to your mother-in-law. Especially since your husband was protesting. So if he’s the man of the house or your family, and you should’ve listened to him, especially considering it was his mom. Let him deal with his mom. She is not the boss of you.
This is so fucking crazy!!! LEAVE!!! Having sec is normal (sorry your MIL never had an orgasm, she’s a hater) it’s healthy you and your husband have a physical relationship. Your BIL is garbage and DID cause her death, you called a spade a spade. Truth hurts sometimes. MIL is insane and idk how you didn’t snap more. Leave and never look back. NTA very clearly.
I have been married for 6 years now and have 2 kids. My tubes are tied and we are done having kids. I gave my husband an hour long blowjob last night and tonight hes going to return the favor. We usually have sex around 3-9 times a week sometimes in the bed, bathroom, couch, outside in the woods, honestly wherever the kids arent we will go to screw. We adore each other and our marriage would be alot more stressful without the sex. If this post is real, move out. Noone should be dictating your sex life or trying to interfere in your marriage. You deserve to orgasm too. Tell mil to buy a vibrator and get over herself. Tell the kids that grandma is being unkind so you are taking a break from her to let her calm down. Please do not tell the kids about the sex. Its not their burden to bear.
MIL and BIL need to find a good therapist. NTA
MIL and BIL are toxic. You and your husband should get away as fast as possible with the kids.
Not the AH
Man what language do y’all speak?! Holy cow that’s wild.
MIL is Looney Tunes. Tell her to kick rocks. Married couples are seldom
Celibate. Have sexual relations whenever you both desire.
Ummm you married into the assholes lol.
I’d rather live in a cardboard box than deal with that shit. 43 is too old?! Shit, at 43 some women are FINALLY getting orgasms compared to when they were younger. My wife wants to do it way more than she did in her 30s! Shes almost 42.
Also- your BIL is a piece of shit too. Making her abort 4 girls wtf.
NTA. This is beyond ridiculous. your MIL and BIL are creeps and major AH. Your MIL probably stays awake, waiting by your bedroom door for any sound because I can’t imagine you’re being loud with kids under the same roof. BIL basically killed his wife and before that, he only slept with her to conceive??? WTH??
your marriage sounds great But get as far away from your in laws as you possibly can.
Lol so if you’re not supposed to have sex with your husband, is his mother supposed to be having sex with him? Genuine question, because this isn’t mother-son dynamics no more if she’s extremely preoccupied with her married son’s sex life 🙂
NTAH but a few suggestions. Go to your religious leaders and ask them about the appropriateness of married couples enjoying each other physically. Also, buy a copy of the Kama Sutra and leave it where a nosy MIL will find it. It honestly sounds like you have the only normal one of the bunch. It may take someone in a cultural position of authority to tell your MIL she’s crazy.
What did I just read?
IT is STILL time to move out, not matter how common and normal is it.
BECAUSE MIL and BIL are NOT normal.
Also, – stop agreeing and doing what MIL says.
That’s another reason to get out of that house.
Just because it is “culture” does not make it less toxic.
Taking a poll on whether or not you should still be having sex is so messed up.
Grown adults needing to ask everyone if they should or should not be having sex is RIDICULOUS.
GET OUT.
Have a life and self respect.
It’s unwise to live with your in-laws. Better move away from them.
NTA. You need to move out. MIL and BIL are treating you and your husband really badly. You don’t deserve such rude treatment.
I think that set up is not going to work when everyone has such different ideas.
You, hubby and kids may want to consider getting your own place.
She could have yelled all she wanted.
No way would I NOT sleep in the same bed as my husband.
Thats the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard of.
I’d tell her to mind her own business and its not your fault she doesn’t like sex or sleeping with her husband
There’s no age limit on sex ffs
Good grief
Nta unless you keep putting up with her crap.
The only solution: Get louder.
Move out they’re insane
Yea don’t care what country you live in this is all just pretty dumb. Get your own place and live your own life.
Also the statement was pretty correct about the bil, he didn’t care about her or her health and that’s not a person to associate with.
My only question is who the hell is BIL?
I feel like this HAS to be made up because good lord! How in the heck could people be that naive? You are NOT the AH here. You are married to someone you love and what you two do in your marriage is between you two and no one else.
I definitely recommend moving out. Why stay in a place like this?
Do most Indians just stop having sex after kids ? Is this a cultural thing? They are acting like you are the weird one for wanting to have sex with your husband.
This is kind of sad. I wonder about a cultural construct that discourages intimacy between spouses. It’s such a lonely, distancing belief, not to mention the fact that sex is fun and healthy and creates strong bonds between people who love each other. Your MIL and BIL sound bitter and angry. No one is lining up to have sex with either of them so maybe they don’t want you to have what they can’t. Who knows, but what goes on between consenting adults in the alleged privacy of their own bedroom is no one else’s business. I’d strongly suggest moving to your own place, especially if you hope to raise children who won’t grow up being taught that sex is dirty. Break the cycle and enjoy your husband in peace. NTA.
MIL and BIL are AWFUL people! NTA
NTA but omg please move away from these nosy weirdos
NTA. Screw your husband louder!
You need to move out asap!
NTA a simple get stuffed would have sufficed.
You didn’t ruin your family.
The people that are jealous that you’re getting sex and they aren’t are the ones ruining it.
Seriously you need to convince yourself of that because this taking blame and saying not to offend people is part of what is making this situation worse.
NTA; she’s a guest.
NTA
But this is way above Reddit pay grade…… WHAT CULTURE IS THIS?!?
I understand maybe doing it when no one is in the house so you won’t be heard, even though it might be impossible.. but to say that you should only have sex to have children, and then MIL calling you a… that’s wild to me… you’re married, sex isn’t just about having children, it’s also a way for you to feel connected to the one you love! NTA
WTF?
NTA! Move out asap! I’m so glad your husband has your back. Tell your BIL and MIL to f/ck off. Maybe if they DID get laid they wouldn’t be so miserable and jealous.
So basically both of them just stated that you’re nothing but breeding stock and you don’t get to be intimate with your husband unless it’s to have a baby.
That’s insane.
You need to run!!
Stop entertaining MIL and BIL’ ridiculousness. Hubby needs to make it clear – they both put a sock in it or your little family is moving and they can manage without the financial assistance from your household.
This is so foolish you are husband and wife. You can have sex whenever you want. Why not just get your own place to hell with tradition get your own life your own house with your family then that way y’all can do what y’all want. They’re all our asses and you are asshole if you stay there get out and do your thing.
Your MIL thought it’d be a great idea for you to stay around because you were the only other person in the house with a vagina so it just automatically made you the back up mother, maid, cook, free labor… and now she wants to control your private relationship with your husband and wants you to sleep with her so that she can ensure that you aren’t being “dirty?!”
BIL made his wife abort unborn girls until she could give him a son? Is that so they could plan to live with him and not have to take care of themselves and their own finances in their old age?
I’m from the US so obviously I have a completely different perspective… But to me there’s so much wrong here that it is alarming.
Yeah, time to leave and never look back. Good thing MIL has another son who needs her so she can live with him. Do you not ever let her move into your house again. Let her know that you will continue having a sexual relationship with your husband and you will be sleeping naked in bed with him. so if she decides to come and visit she should get a hotel as you would not want her to be under the same roof as you as you know, she does not approve of the lifestyle that you and your husband will continue to have-which by the way, is completely normal and healthy in most cultures.
Having a healthy sex life is a positive in a marriage. ESPECIALLY after multiple kids. And how in any way can you be a wh*re for sleeping with your own huaband? 😂😂
I will be honest that I can’t speak to indian culture, but I don’t believe this is a cultural thing, but more of your husband’s family having a weird hangup about intimacy being solely for procreating for women…. either way how you and your husband choose to express your love in the privacy of your own bedroom is NOBODY’S BUSINESS as long as everyone is safe. MIL and BIL are seriously crossing into weird, obsessive behavior.
Nta
That’s some messed up thinking.
Its disgusting of the bil to have demanded abortions until she carried a boy.
Why you want to live with that pair I do not know.
Time for you and husband to get your own place with your kids.
Ps, I suppose the men are allowed to go outside the marriage for sex when they want it.
Horrible situation to luve in. Get out
None of what I just read is normal regardless of where you are from !
NTA well I understand, cultural differences, maybe you should normalize being in a healthy and happy marriage for your daughter to model instead. It’s time for the three of you to get your own place. You are incredibly lucky to have such a loving and passionate marriage. That’s the kind of lovemany dream about. You are two grown and consenting adults.
Just because your MIL is too old to have sex, doesn’t mean that you are. “MIL, here’s the deal. Hubby & I are going to have sex. We will try to keep the volume down. If that’s not acceptable to you, you can move out. Now.” Or something along these lines.
You are way too young to act as if you were already dead.
It is not their place to speak on what about what goes on behind closed doors about a marital couple. For all they know, you are trying doe a child.
That nasty comment to BIL about his wife’s death was an AH move.
However, MIL needs to mind her own business, if she wants to keep you around. If not, moving out is the only option.
In my country if multiple couples live under one roof, I assure you, they’re all having sex with their marital spouses. I think our generation of people around the world will be normalizing this. You are NTA, and it may be time to move your little family for some privacy.
NTA. Sounds like they are jealous lol
Not the AH. You are grown adults and married at that. When you two are in private, you are free to get it on whenever you want! I would move out and just explain to the kids that you all need a bit more space and that they can still see each other a lot, they just won’t be living there anymore. I know its all easier said than done, so good luck with the situation. I hope for the best for you and your family.
My goodness OP! NTA!
Your MIL and BIL are over-stepping into you and your husband’s very healthy relationship. Having sex with your husband is wonderful.
Your BIL sounds like an asshole for making his wife abort female children so he could have a son. What the hell?
This environment is terrible for you and your husband.
I definitely think you should move out.
Your BIL can care for your MIL.
Leave those two together.
Good riddance!
The brother in law is pathetic and I hope he suffers for what he did to his wife because how evil do you have to be to do that to someone your supposed to love, all because of a son.
NTA. Is there a newborn there or that baby pass with his mother? I might’ve missed something.
I think you are making excuses for your MIL by saying “it’s common in our culture” because being loving and happy is also common in your culture. Is there an older relative in your community that you can ask for advice? Is there a religious leader who can speak to your MIL on your and your husband’s behalf? I would sleep under the bed so next time she comes to drag you out she can’t find you.
Stop having sex with a husband after 40?? Why? MIL needs reality check
Holy shit.
I try not to judge the culture of others.
But man is this situation ever warped.
It’s okay to kill off your babies because they are girls…. But a husband and wife having sex when not for procreation is wrong?
I have no practical input for you.
I’m not sure western audiences are going to be in-tune enough with your culture to give a culturally appropriate response. I can see that in the responses you are receiving here. Responding as if you live in Chicago or London.
This will be grossly offensive to anyone in the west. Conservatives are going to scorn the abortions, liberals will flip out over oppressing a woman’s sexuality.
If you lived in Chicago or London, there’s a ton of good answers here. But you live in India. Many if not most of these answers would likely result in being ostracized.
I’m sorry for your situation. I wish I had more to offer.
Pretty sure these are my neighbors
Just move out, I am surprised that your MIL even talked about sex because most Indian women don’t discuss it with their children or their spouses.
Please move out because your MIL has no right whatsoever to make you sleep with her. She’s creepy and so is your BIL… he’s like his mom, 4 abortions to get a son is heinous and cruel and evil…
What country do you live in where people don’t have sex?!?! Wtf?! It’s one of the basic pillars of a healthy relationship ffs! NTA!! Your in laws are insane. I really hope this is a fake story.
Move out as soon as you can, this is not normal.
NTA- Please get away from this dysfunction so you can live a happy life with your husband and children!
Wishing all the best for you.
You poor thing.
OMG! I didn’t think that this kind of things existed!!!
What does the MIL has to do with the couple relationship?! SHE IS 43 for crying out loud!!! 43! Move out, like yesterday!
She has nothing to do with your marriage, there’s nothing wrong with having s*x with YOUR HUSBAND!
WTAF?
A husband and wife shouldn’t have sex? How do these people think that you actually came about your children?
Your MIL? She gave birth to your husband and to his brother. That means that she had sex when one of them had already been born.
I get that she’s actually saying that now that you are in your 40’s she thinks that you don’t need to have sex for the purpose of procreation. She clearly doesn’t understand love, commitment and passion. She only had sex to have children. That’s a sad life.
Tell her that you are trying as hard as you can for a 3rd child. Tell her that you and your husband hate that you actually have to have sex to achieve your goal but you are giving it your best shot and are going to try 4 or 5 times a day if you have to. Hopefully your sex noises will make her go deaf.
Tell your BIL’s in laws to mind their own fucking business.
Then ask your parents if there’s room in their house for you and your husband and children to live so that you can have sex in peace while you look for your own home.
MIL will have to find some way to be content on her own.
Alternatively you could buy her some ear plugs.
Time to move. His mother is a major problem
Wtf NTA
Why would you continue to live in a hellhole like that. Tell your MIL/BIL to figure out the rent/M-Th on their own and leave (or if you own tell them to get out).
Partners absolutely continue to have sex and it’s none of their fuckin business
Gift them all earplugs. NTA
If you’re not supposed to have sex before you’re married, and not supposed to have it while you’re married, when are you supposed to have sex–when you’re dead?
MIL can mind her own damn business. She’s not a virgin. NTA.
This cannot be real.
Time to move out. This is some serious family dysfunction.
First of all what grown woman says ok I will not have sex to another adult? Do you not see how crazy that sounds?
Family using culture as a way to hide their toxicity is also not ok.
Your MIL is a jealous old bat who needs to get laid
her damn self.
You saying you’re scared of your kids finding out, why? Break this toxic cycle of not normalizing marital relations. You are 40 something years old and you’re allowing an old lady to bully you around.
It’s sad that people were shamed into not having relations with their partners, it probably is from British colonialism of India. If you want to stay and fight; start digging into the culture and see what was practiced prior to colonialism? That might convince me if I was a traditionalist. Otherwise you have to admit that times change and customs change, and then it’s just a matter of sound proofing and maybe gifting noise canceling headphones.
Spend a little money and soundproof your room. Or play some music when you are being romantic.
Is this even normal for Indian culture? I’ve never heard of any religion or culture restricting married people from having sex. 43 isn’t necessarily too old to try for a late kid.
Yeah I’d be moving out. Sex with ur husband isn’t dirty it’s normal in the world
Get out, this is incredibly unhealthy.
Do you want your daughter to believe that loving her husband is wrong?
Do you want your SON to believe his wife is a bad person for loving him?!?
Nta. I can’t believe you’re letting people who don’t matter dictate not just your life but also your sex life. You are having sex with your husband. What happens once you close your bedroom door is no one’s business but your own. You can have a sex dungeon in your bedroom and it’s no one’s business. I vote you get mil a vibrator and maybe she will stop being so uptight. But move out. You deserve to have privacy. Or it you stay in petty I would have louder sex if she knocks or tries to scream I would have him open the door butt naked. If she can make you uncomfortable you can make her uncomfortable. Stand your ground.
‘THINKING’ about moving out
Honey don’t think. Just do
Yeah. These fake stories are getting wild
Which culture is this?? I’m an Indian living in India and never heard of such a thing 🤨 I’m not saying this attitude doesn’t exist somewhere in India, but certainly not where I live or where those I know live.
I don’t understand. You’re not allowed to sleep with your own husband?
Is anything on Reddit real anymore. I am about to leave!!!!
NTA.
Get a sex swing, howl at the moon, totally let loose. Tell her and bil to mind their own business
wtf did I just read
Time for you to get your own place.
If you are able to move out I recommend. Living with your MIL or any MIL in than matter is so bad for your mental health and your sex life. Your BIL sounds like a peace of work too. Geez Please find the peace you deserve. We don’t have to live with extended families anymore, let that tradition end with you. Time to start fresh away from the drama.
What did I just read?
You and your husband and your kids need to find your own place to live.
FFS, this can’t be real!
You are having sex with your husband which is totally okay. It’s a sign of healthy marriage.
Your MIL and BIL are the assholes. To think that sex is only for having kids is a backass ward way of thinking of sex.
What age are you supposed to have stopped fucking your husband? Like 35?
Stop agreeing to this wild shit, wtf. Stop being a doormat to these psychos. Are they in your house or are you in theirs?
This is clearly a Karma farming post. Never heard such an utterly ridiculous story in my life!!
Sometimes I wonder if there should be an AITA for specific cultures, for example those of us not from Indian culture are probably having a hard time understanding this type of issue. We answer according to our own cultural norms, which may not be right for the OP’s.
INFO- were your late SIL’s abortions due to the foetus being female? I’m Indian too and it’s a very common practice to abort female foetuses
They’re just jealous that you and hubby actually like each other.
Move out.
Be happy.
Let them struggle without your support. They don’t deserve any support after this bullshit.
You and hubby need to move out and go no contact with his mom.
Sex with a spouse isn’t dirty or wrong. Good for the 2 of you to still have a healthy sexual appetite.
MIL is Fucking BIL
Multi family homes are common. Those two are crazy. I would move out simply to keep my kids away from living with those people.
You guys need to move out. It is no one’s business if and when you two have sex. Exit this ridiculous household.
updateme!
NTA. Your husband was right, it was BIL fault for his wife. Abortions take a toll on a woman’s body, and he made her get 4, he she feel like $h!t “IT’S HIS FAULT”. Your MIL & BIL need to stop, it is most definitely healthy and normal to still be having sex with your husband. Sounds like it’s time for you and your family to get their own place, because it’s not going to stop, it will get worse. Especially with what was said to BIL!! NTA, just move for peace, space, & sanity.
Wtf did I just read? Teo grown ass consenting MARRIED adults. You don’t not need permission to fuck your own husband what kind of weird ass family did you marry into
Sex is healthy. Move out to eliminate the drama and weird ideas about sexual relations between consenting adults that some of the family has. Keep having sexual relations with your husband (happy ending).
People are absolutely cRaZy. Your MIL is just angry and jealous that she’s not getting her monkey pounded out.
Definitely move out, and just prior to you moving out, I want you two to have the best nasty, dirty, screaming, moaning sex and right before you two start nutting, yell out loud that you are cuming and start screaming HARDER, FASTER!
Move out. Never look back. I’d be damn if you’re going to tell me I can’t sleep with my husband and have to pay in bed with your miserable self 😆
I’m Indian origin. You shouldn’t have appeased your crazy MIL in the first place especially since your husband protested. You gave the hag too much power. Let your husband deal with this and assert boundaries with his mum.
Maybe moving out is a good idea. If you do decide to move out keep MIL and BIL on an information diet and only tell her when the paperwork is official. You can still be a good aunt to your nephew even if you don’t live with him.
Move out & keep being intimate with your husband.
People get the craziest notions in their minds.
All of this makes no sense to me. Move out I’ve never heard of something so crazy that married couple doesn’t have sex except to have children. I don’t know what’s going on there but yes get your own place
FFS grow a spine! I couldn’t even read this! I hope it’s fake!
NTA & that’s just weird.
My mom & stepdad ( both deceased now) were very active. I was spending the weekend at their house helping out with a project. Later on they had gone to bed & I was watching tv in the living too. Their bedroom & the living room shared a wall. The wall behind me on the sofa.
I was about 40 at the time. My mom was 62 & stepdad 82. I just got up & went to the spare bedroom ( my old bedroom) never said a word.