TW: SA-adjacent. Sorry in advance for the long post. I (31F) have just gotten engaged to my fiancee. We’ve been together for 7 years and are elated to start the next chapter. My Fiancee’s brother began dating his girlfriend, Michelle, (36F) a few months before my fiancee and I began dating.
She’s… a personality. When we first met, I just passed it off as someone who is extremely extroverted and energetic. Overtime, she’s proven to be the type of person who is self-centered, selfish, and superficial (excuse the alliteration). She frequently talks poorly about her “friends” and puts down other women based on appearances, then will turn around and be nice to them to their face. When someone is sharing about their life, she always somehow makes it about her and she dominates every conversation. Specifically between her and I, I always feel like she is trying to 1-up me like we’re in some weird competition. Textbook “pick me girl,” if you ask me.We were fairly amicable up until a couple years ago when we went on a vacation.
Long story short, my now fiancee, his siblings, and I went on vacation together. We were at a local bar and I went to use the restroom. I won’t go into detail because quite frankly it is extremely traumatizing to re-tell/relive, but essentially, I was in danger of SA and I was able to narrowly get away. I ran to my fiancee and in a panic was telling him and my brothers in law what happened. Not less than 1 minute after I finished telling them what happened, did Michelle leave and look like she is going to confront him. I asked her not to and asked if we could just leave. She snapped back at me, saying “I HAVE TO USE THE RESTROOM.” I let it go, still panicked and distressed from what happened. She then comes back 2 minutes later, saying SHE almost got SA’d and told her story — the same as mine — WORD. FOR. WORD.
I don’t want to say this didn’t happen, but I have my suspicions and definitely wouldn’t put it past her to make my story hers for the attention (PS I know I sound psychotic and crazy and feel terrible for even thinking it). At the very least though, I was extremely hurt and felt very disrespected because I wasn’t given 5 minutes to collect myself or be supported before my traumatic experience was brushed aside.
We got home, and I haven’t held a conversation with her since — it’s been 2.5 years. I don’t engage in small talk; I disengage in any conversations with her; I don’t even say hello or goodbye. Now that significant time as passed and my fiancé and I are now engaged, he has hinted for me to make amends but he has not explicitly asked me to. I love him with all my heart, but I cannot get past this. I think she’s a terrible human, and if I let bygones be bygones, I feel like I would be accepting unacceptable behavior. Any advice?
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Backup of the post’s body: TW: SA-adjacent. Sorry in advance for the long post. I (31F) have just gotten engaged to my fiancee. We’ve been together for 7 years and are elated to start the next chapter. My Fiancee’s brother began dating his girlfriend, Michelle, (36F) a few months before my fiancee and I began dating.
She’s… a personality. When we first met, I just passed it off as someone who is extremely extroverted and energetic. Overtime, she’s proven to be the type of person who is self-centered, selfish, and superficial (excuse the alliteration). She frequently talks poorly about her “friends” and puts down other women based on appearances, then will turn around and be nice to them to their face. When someone is sharing about their life, she always somehow makes it about her and she dominates every conversation. Specifically between her and I, I always feel like she is trying to 1-up me like we’re in some weird competition. Textbook “pick me girl,” if you ask me.We were fairly amicable up until a couple years ago when we went on a vacation.
Long story short, my now fiancee, his siblings, and I went on vacation together. We were at a local bar and I went to use the restroom. I won’t go into detail because quite frankly it is extremely traumatizing to re-tell/relive, but essentially, I was in danger of SA and I was able to narrowly get away. I ran to my fiancee and in a panic was telling him and my brothers in law what happened. Not less than 1 minute after I finished telling them what happened, did Michelle leave and look like she is going to confront him. I asked her not to and asked if we could just leave. She snapped back at me, saying “I HAVE TO USE THE RESTROOM.” I let it go, still panicked and distressed from what happened. She then comes back 2 minutes later, saying SHE almost got SA’d and told her story — the same as mine — WORD. FOR. WORD.
I don’t want to say this didn’t happen, but I have my suspicions and definitely wouldn’t put it past her to make my story hers for the attention (PS I know I sound psychotic and crazy and feel terrible for even thinking it). At the very least though, I was extremely hurt and felt very disrespected because I wasn’t given 5 minutes to collect myself or be supported before my traumatic experience was brushed aside.
We got home, and I haven’t held a conversation with her since — it’s been 2.5 years. I don’t engage in small talk; I disengage in any conversations with her; I don’t even say hello or goodbye. Now that significant time as passed and my fiancé and I are now engaged, he has hinted for me to make amends but he has not explicitly asked me to. I love him with all my heart, but I cannot get past this. I think she’s a terrible human, and if I let bygones be bygones, I feel like I would be accepting unacceptable behavior. Any advice?
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Wowsers. It does sound suspect. What were the reactions of your fiance and siblings?
Regardless – you don’t have to engage with anyone you don’t want to. You can be civil when necessary but you don’t have to be her friend.
Stick to your current plan, tell your fiancé that you are as polite to her as you are ever going to be.
First of all I’m so sorry that that happened to you. I have no doubt it was very traumatizing.
I don’t blame you for not believing her . You tell her somebody attempted to
assault you in the bathroom and she decides to run in there?
And then by pure coincidence, the exact same thing happened to her word for word ? Given that she has a history of trying to one up you on everything I think you’re exactly right about this.
And I think you’re much better off to avoid her. Frankly, I think you’re doing the exact right thing and your fiancé needs to let it go.
If he does push it, I tell him “do you prefer how things are now? Because if you want me to start talking to her, you might not like what I have to say. I’m not going to tolerate her bullshit anymore so you need to think really carefully if you really do want me to speak with her because I have a feeling it won’t go well.”.
Leave it at that.
My sister in law (brother’s wife) and I haven’t spoken more than fifty words in 20 years following a falling out at a family funeral. Just because you marry into the same family, there’s no requirement that you have to be friends. Just civilly keep your distance. Don’t be mean or rude. Just avoid each other. It doesn’t have to be a big thing.