Hello i f30 recently started dating my bf m30 about 3 months ago and honestly we both see a future together. One of those feelings of if ya know ya know
But lately I’ve been freaking out mentally. There’s been a few issues and my mind sometimes jumps to ending it because honestly I feel like I’m the issue a lot of times but my therapist is validating everything I say and feel too. I know 3 months is a short time to have issues but being in unhealthy relationships for so long can make the healthy one feel crazy.
I guess my biggest concern lately is that he has a female( 26) friend who is married and they used to work together. We all work for the same company still but different locations. But it just seems like their friendship doesnt have a lot of boundaries, for example they hang out one on one a lot if her husband works late. I guess she doesn’t like spending time alone, and she may be upset i dont trust her, (which i dont) She has no problem talking about her sex life to everyone. The few times I’ve hung out with them I’ve felt like a 3rd wheel to their friendship. And she complained about feeling like a 3rd wheel to our relationship… but she is. I understand there’s conversations to be had to include everyone when hanging out which was something I lacked on because i only feel comfortable with my bf right now. But same goes for her where they talk a lot about things im not included in. She makes snarky comments that almost seem like a jab at me or an attachment to my bf for example playing game name night. Couples are teams. Teams are losing and she said we should switch teams next time so we can win. Meaning she would be on a team with my bf Meanwhile this is my 3rd time hanging out with them.
My bf is very supportive and validates what I say too. He has since set boundaries that I’ve asked as far as not having out one on one. Not talking about our sex life. I considered getting coffee with this friend but I’m concerned if I do I’ll be shot down and however she feels should be fine, “like why can’t they hang out alone they are just friends.” I would totally be okay with things if I was more comfortable with her but the few times we hung out its just been making me feel worse. I am getting major anxiety thinking about future hang outs we have planned. I feel bad that I’m taking my bf away from his friend. She mentioned feeling like a 3rd wheel on one occasion, and said her and her husband never make him feel like that. It’s just rough because this friendship is 2plus years old and I’m brand new to this relationship and im constantly feeling like an outsider. They have a group chat called throuple. I also feel a little crazy cuz it seems like im the only one who sees an issue with things. Her husband is fine with them being friends. I understand guys and girls emotions are different. I think that’s my concern too I dont know her motives but I haven’t been able to get to know her either because im excluded. Is there a better or different way to handle this situation without putting up walls and avoiding them, and taking him away from his friends? Or should we all accept getting into a new romantic relationship means friendships might change some too as priorities change?
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Backup of the post’s body: Hello i f30 recently started dating my bf m30 about 3 months ago and honestly we both see a future together. One of those feelings of if ya know ya know
But lately I’ve been freaking out mentally. There’s been a few issues and my mind sometimes jumps to ending it because honestly I feel like I’m the issue a lot of times but my therapist is validating everything I say and feel too. I know 3 months is a short time to have issues but being in unhealthy relationships for so long can make the healthy one feel crazy.
I guess my biggest concern lately is that he has a female( 26) friend who is married and they used to work together. We all work for the same company still but different locations. But it just seems like their friendship doesnt have a lot of boundaries, for example they hang out one on one a lot if her husband works late. I guess she doesn’t like spending time alone, and she may be upset i dont trust her, (which i dont) She has no problem talking about her sex life to everyone. The few times I’ve hung out with them I’ve felt like a 3rd wheel to their friendship. And she complained about feeling like a 3rd wheel to our relationship… but she is. I understand there’s conversations to be had to include everyone when hanging out which was something I lacked on because i only feel comfortable with my bf right now. But same goes for her where they talk a lot about things im not included in. She makes snarky comments that almost seem like a jab at me or an attachment to my bf for example playing game name night. Couples are teams. Teams are losing and she said we should switch teams next time so we can win. Meaning she would be on a team with my bf Meanwhile this is my 3rd time hanging out with them.
My bf is very supportive and validates what I say too. He has since set boundaries that I’ve asked as far as not having out one on one. Not talking about our sex life. I considered getting coffee with this friend but I’m concerned if I do I’ll be shot down and however she feels should be fine, “like why can’t they hang out alone they are just friends.” I would totally be okay with things if I was more comfortable with her but the few times we hung out its just been making me feel worse. I am getting major anxiety thinking about future hang outs we have planned. I feel bad that I’m taking my bf away from his friend. She mentioned feeling like a 3rd wheel on one occasion, and said her and her husband never make him feel like that. It’s just rough because this friendship is 2plus years old and I’m brand new to this relationship and im constantly feeling like an outsider. They have a group chat called throuple. I also feel a little crazy cuz it seems like im the only one who sees an issue with things. Her husband is fine with them being friends. I understand guys and girls emotions are different. I think that’s my concern too I dont know her motives but I haven’t been able to get to know her either because im excluded. Is there a better or different way to handle this situation without putting up walls and avoiding them, and taking him away from his friends? Or should we all accept getting into a new romantic relationship means friendships might change some too as priorities change?
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being a girlfriend doesn’t automatically grant you this pedestal of power over this man’s life the way you think it should. you are new to this man’s life compared to her, and the jabs she’s making are the same jabs I’d be making if my long time friend suddenly brought a girl around who made me feel like I needed to earn her “trust”. She doesn’t care if you trust her that’s really not her business.
You feel like an outsider because you are. And instead of trying to make yourself comfortable, you’re turning it into a weird competition with a woman who genuinely sounds like she doesn’t want your man. You’re going to spoil your own relationship acting like this.
It sounds like their “friendship” is more than what anyone is saying.
If you just started going out with him I’d dump him and let him know it’s due to his “no boundaries friendship” with her. Also, other girls have probably dumped him too for this same reason.
IMHO you are overstepping, especially for how new the relationship is. It’s good that your bf validates and is supportive and I do think you should communicate, but he’s allowed to have friends. That said, if you feel she’s “taking jabs” or being mean to you I’d talk to her about it but not in an accusatory way – just say “hey, it didn’t feel great when you said XYZ”, or, “I felt excluded last time we all hung out together because XYZ and I’d like to be closer with all of you” and own your own insecurities.
Personally, I think it’s too far to say they can’t hang out 1:1 if they have no sexual history and you haven’t felt she’s hitting on him. It shouldn’t feel like a competition between the two of you for his attention, and if she’s doing things to make you feel that way you are right to call it out. However, you should also own the ways that you’re bringing that energy if that is the case.
I never understood leaving the girlfriend out of the group chat and making her feel like an outsider. I would add you to the group chat if I were the friend in this situation and make it a quadrouple. I have plenty of guy friends and if their girlfriend wanted them to not hangout one on one with me until they got comfortable enough with me, I would respect that and do everything I could to include her. Is she saying she feels like a 3rd wheel because you guys are all over each other all the time? I feel like the only time I’d say that to my guy friend and his new girlfriend is if every time the 3 of us are hanging out, you guys are just making out, sitting on each other’s laps, hugging, etc. the whole time.
This is a you problem. Im sorry if this is harsh but youre insecure and thats something for YOU to work on.
How about encouraging one on ones with her so you get to know her and also may have inside jokes and stories with her? Talk to your partner about maybe starting a hobby or doing fun activities all 3 that dont make you feel as excluded as you feel.
OP, you can listen to everyone here saying that you only dating three months and is too soon to be asking for boundaries and interfering in their relationship. But, I want to tell you this: you are seeing their friendship for what it is now and is not going to change doesn’t matter how long you two been dating.
This is how their relationship is, no boundaries. And she seems to be the type of female friend that likes to show she has the power over him. She is trying to prove to you that she is his main girl and you are the one invading her territory. He knows exactly what she is doing but he won’t do anything about it. Actually a lot of guys thrive on having their female friends showing possessiveness to their girlfriend and that’s why they don’t have boundaries. Friendships with opposite sex like this, no boundaries, is just asking for drama and more drama. I personally would walk way and I’d tell him why and save myself of the drama, headache and the waste of time.
I think you just don’t like her.
You have anxiety being around her because you don’t like her.
Personally I think the best thing to do is let him maintain his friendships how he wants and you just don’t hang out with her. Because you don’t like her. He can have friends you just don’t jive with.
And look if he’s going to cheat on you with her—no amount of you trying to control the situation with boundaries is going to change that. You either trust him or you don’t.
You’re wildly overstepping. You’ve only been dating for 3 months and yet you’re putting restrictions on a friendship that’s lasted 8 times as long as you have been dating.
The friend is married, has never done anything inappropriate with your boyfriend (the group chat name is the most”inappropriate” thing in this whole post, and its a very obvious joke), and she’s only said negative things such as feeling like the third wheel because you treat her poorly. You won’t even ask her to coffee because of how massively insecure you feel around her.
You are actively shooting yourself in the foot here with your shitty behavior and insecurity. Learn to be a reasonable person, understand that you have irrational feelings, and find ways to cope with those feelings in a way that doesn’t negatively affect your partner and his friendships. If you can’t do that, this relationship will not last.
You’re acting childish, like a middle schooler who is upset that her boyfriend of 2 weeks has to work with another girl for his group project. Grow up.
Edit: I feel like you buried the lead here by not mentioning that you have BPD, which is likely a huge factor in your unreasonable behavior toward your boyfriend and his friends. You also have deleted multiple other posts on here about various past relationships when the comments didnt agree with you. I think that you should speak to a therapist about your relationship and personal problems instead of reddit.
it won’t work, just dump and move on. Would give the same advice to a dude w a shoe on the other foot
You sound crazy as fuck
I don’t get some of the comments here. This isn’t about insecurity. It’s about setting healthy boundaries that you deserve. Everyone’s boundaries will be different. If your partner doesn’t share or respect your boundaries, they’re not the right fit for you.
I have opposite sex best friends, I’ve known for years but both me and my guy bestie have discussed that once one of us are in a relationship (even if it’s a new one, once it’s exclusive/official), we’re setting boundaries in our friendship like no more late night phone calls, no more one on one hangouts (except for certain scenarios that are less intimate), no more sharing a hotel room/bed to save money, etc. Some boundaries like these are reasonable. Our relationship is purely platonic, we wouldn’t cheat with each other but we also want our future partners to feel comfortable, and we’d expect similar boundaries from our partners with their friends.
Keep the open communication with your boyfriend, voicing your concerns that are valid, ask them what boundaries would they expect from you if the roles were reversed, discuss what you both are cool with and not cool with. If you both aren’t on the same page and he doesn’t wish to respect some of your boundaries, evaluate if that’s a deal breaker for you or if it’s something you can compromise and work on. The boundaries you were asking seem reasonable enough to me. I wouldn’t mind doing all that if my future boyfriend asked me to. I would also address his friend’s comments that feel overstepping to you with your therapist and boyfriend. Discuss the boundaries you feel you need with your therapist for a professional perspective to see if some boundaries may be too much or valid.
I think you’re overstepping. My husband has several really close friends that are women. He can hang out with them whenever he wants. I don’t care for some of them but I’m not required to be besties with them just because he is.
It’s either you trust your partner or you don’t, but telling him he can’t hang out with her is really controlling and not a good way to start off a relationship. It almost seems like you’re trying to isolate him.
She should feel like the 3rd wheel because that’s what she is. She is not his wife or girlfriend. Your bf needs to make boundaries and if he refuses dump him. This is way too much drama in such a short amt of time
If a girl I’ve been dating for 3 months was imposing rules and trying to change friendships that I’ve had for years, i would end things with that girl. Because that’s fucking ridiculous.