Thank you to all that responded with great advice and the wake-up call I needed.
I ended up calling Kay 25F (fiancée) the next morning and told her about the post. She wasn’t too happy about it but it did help make her request and her godmother’s request easier. No Amy (my sister 17f) at the wedding. Period. We’re having a smaller ceremony in Europe and will discuss a larger reception back in the US possibly after this is POSSIBLY resolved. Kay is on her way back home to me – still engaged.
Next – I’m in my hometown but not at my parent’s house. My aunt came and showed my mother the post. I was not there Monday but I was on FaceTime with them. My oldest sister (29F) was also with my mom. She (mom) was absolutely devastated reading the responses that said “assault” and “abuse” and “press charges”. She was in tears and was afraid for Amy. I don’t think she really understood until I reminded her about the photos and the witnesses. She was very apologetic and my dad chimed in reminding her about asking Kay to apologize and my mother is going to apologize to Kay – she knows she was 100% wrong.
Before I get going here – I’m not excusing behavior or justifying anything. I’m just sharing the conversation we had earlier
today.
Long-story short – Amy thinks Kay dislikes her and has said that she feels like she’s the only one Kay doesn’t like. (This is not true but it’s how she feels.) The latest/trigger incident happened over Easter weekend when we were home. All of the “girls” were talking about college and Amy was saying she was looking at out-of-state colleges because she had received some interest from coaches.
My dad, me, brother (25M) and oldest sister all went to the big university in our home state with athletic scholarships. Amy can as well. (These accounts are from aunt, oldest sister and Amy.) I guess she said to Kay that if she went to a certain college “she could save money and live with us”. And Kay said “and miss out on campus life? You would miss out on so much not being on campus “. My oldest sister said the same thing and also added that the school close to us wasn’t as good in that sport and a bunch of other reasons and that was it.
Kay and I live on the East Coast, my family in the Midwest. Amy’s coach and a teammate are pushing for her to go to California- great opportunity and several players from our general area that Amy knows are also there. In her mind she felt like she was being pressured into this and that it would “sending her away” when Kay commented that it was a great school. She says she has been struggling with the pressure and expectations and isn’t dealing too well with it. Dad said that her coach has been having her talk to a sports psychologist for the past month.
Lastly, spoke to Amy and my mom and was firm about how absolutely horrible her behavior was and what it did to Kay. And how she should have immediately apologized instead of screaming and crying. That she was lucky Kay didn’t call the police or file charges. She responded that she didn’t think – she snapped. And I told her that she was not coming to the wedding. Period. She understands that she may never have a relationship with Kay after this and it is her own fault.
So that’s it until Kay and I are back home. Again, I appreciate all of the helpful and harsh comments I received.
Link to ORIGINAL post:
Original post can be found on reddit wiki
This is the link – https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/comments/1lokrae/not_oop_aitah_for_not_insisting_that_my_fianc%C3%A9e/
Comments
I still think Amy is getting off too easily here. I know she needs help, but she doesn’t seem to understand the damage she’s caused. Her relationship with you and the rest of the family will never be the same. And she’ll be lucky if Kay ever wants to be in the same room as her again. I’m glad you’re all working together to figure this out, but I worry about her lack of accountability.
This is a troubling response that ignores the possibility that Amy could “snap” at any time in the future and attack someone. I’m especially worried about Kay’s safety going forward. What reassurances do we have that it won’t happen again? I know they said she is seeing a sports psychologist, but this is no way enough. A long term plan to address underlying issues through extensive therapy and restitution to Kay for her injuries is a small part of a solution.
Your mom is really lucky Kay hasn’t banned her from y’all’s wedding too after demanding an apology from her. Not going to lie, there’s no way I’d want anyone around me, especially at my wedding that believed I should apologize to someone who slapped me, completely unprovoked! Sounds like you are doing everything you can to hold Amy and your mom responsible for their horrendous behavior.
So she thinks Kay doesn’t like her so she slaps her? Yeah real great way to bring her around. /s I still think she’s getting off way too easy. Looks like the baby of the family has never had consequences. And still isn’t.
Damn. I wanted to go back and read the first post but its deleted. My memory sucks
Updateme
If Kay is comfortable not pressing charges, Amy is very lucky.
UpdateMe
Glad to see you got your head on straight, but once still got a way to go
Updateme
So you told Kay that all she needs to do is make sure that Amy knows that Kay loves and adores her.
Right?
You do realise that this worse than your mom demanding an apology from Kay for Amy hitting her? You have blamed Kay for not “loving” Amy enough to keep Amy from becoming violent.
Good job blaming the victim!
Amy decided that Kay didn’t like her after Kay said that Amy couldn’t live with you and Kay. Amy wants to live with you and attacked the person who said ‘no’. This crosses over from Amy being a violent brat to a creepy, violent brat.
Your family is very messed up and you’re too deep in the mess to realise it.
Do the kind and brave thing, break the engagement with Kay.
If not permanently then for at least a year. You need to detach your self worth from your mom’s and Amy’s opinions.
And you definitely need to comprehend why telling an assault victim that she just needs to make sure the attacker knows how much she likes her is wrong.
Tbh if someone assaulted my partner I would encourage them to press charges and get a restraining order. Amy really needs therapy and a good hard dose of reality. Nothing she said was remotely an excuse to slap Kay!
Original post can be found on reddit wiki
This is the link – https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/comments/1lokrae/not_oop_aitah_for_not_insisting_that_my_fianc%C3%A9e/
it sounds like Amy is still crying victim, but thanks for the update
I said Paris was a beautiful place to get married.
Amy still doesn’t get it. That slap could have permanently changed the direction of her future if Kay had gone to the police. She wouldn’t feel any more pressure about sports and colleges. Because there would be no scholarships with a police record.
And it sounds like Amy still hasn’t apologized. Plus there’s her just assuming that she can live with you. Amy’s spoiled.
But you’re one of the better ones. You did need a kick from reddit, but you realized you weren’t taking this seriously enough and have done better.
I wish you and Kay much happiness.
EDIT: Thinking of it, Amy not only needs to apologize to Kay, she needs to thank Kay for not going to the police and, so, not ruining her college scholarships.
updateme
Your sister slapped her hard enough to leave marks. She doesn’t need coddling, she needs therapy and strict consequences. Amy destroyed her own future by striking your fiancee. She’s lucky she isn’t being charged. You’re also lucky that Kay is still with you.
I’m sorry, Amy is still skirting off with less than a slap on the wrist. She’s manipulating the situation and crying “stress & felt pushed out”. Why did she single Kay out? Why didn’t she say anything before this? If she felt Kay didn’t like her? Why wait until now and just get overwhelmed in that single moment and nothing since other than when she got a spotlight held on her? I am glad your mother is back on the planet Earth and has acknowledged that her behavior and attitude towards the incident was just as disgusting as her daughters’.
Amy still hasn’t mentioned/done anything about how she plans to show atonement for her actions: she’s acting like the child you believer her to be. She’s beating all of you at the high school drama games. I am so glad that your family has accepted she’s no longer invited. I’m sorry, but at 17 if she was actually losing it over stress it would be showing in other ways. Not in a single physical assault that hasn’t shown any sign or indication otherwise. Do not let your family play this out. If Amy isn’t actually held accountable this will become a permanent pattern. Amy is only interested in apologizing about getting caught up in the moment and letting her mask slip too far. I am glad that you’ve had your finances back on this thus far, don’t get complacent now. You need to make sure your family follows through with holding to real accountability & contrition.
If Amy snaps and assaults someone else at 18, she can be arrested for that or worse, she’ll mess with the wrong person who won’t hesitate to fight back and defend themselves.
Updateme
!UpdateMe
I am still puzzled at why your mum wanted Kay to apologise? What exactly for?
I think Amy is using her problems to get out of trouble make sure everyone talks about if she hits anybody again there will be charges