I really need an outside perspective
so about six months ago my friend (23F) picked me(22F) up with her chauffeur (olderM) and in the drive she started talking in front of the driver about very sexual stuff—details about her sex life, her genitals, etc. I told her it made me uncomfortable and was inappropriate to speak about in front of the driver. There’s a time and place and I personally felt that it wasn’t respectful to the driver. I mean I obviously don’t care, but it just makes me uncomfortable for the driver to be uncomfortable (idk how to articulate it—English isn’t my first language). At first she brushed it off by saying “It doesn’t matter,” but I pushed back hard and explained why it wasn’t okay. She eventually agreed and even texted me saying she’d stop.
But recently she picked me up with her driver. It was a long ride. She did it again multiple times—she started describing someone in a sexual way (I don’t know how to explain it better), then showed me a video with sexual sounds and innuendos, even talked about wanting surgery on her genitals to feel better during sex (i honestly just felt awkward for the driver). I don’t know if the details of the convo are important.
I didn’t say anything at the moment and regret it, but the whole time I was thinking: the driver can hear us.
I honestly don’t really think she cared. The stuff she talked about weren’t out of line with what we talk about in private. I just need an outside perspective and I have a lot to say about this friend, but I’m trying to keep it short.
(this is my first reddit post hopefully someone replies)
What do you think? Should I bring it up again or just distance myself?
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TL;DR:
My 23F friend keeps talking about sexual stuff in front of her male driver, even though I asked her to stop months ago. I feel uncomfortable and like she doesn’t consider others. Should I talk to her again or just pull away?
Comments
You can set your boundaries wherever makes you comfortable. If it is just about the driver hearing, he probably auto-ignores the sound of her annoying voice. I doubt he wants to hear any of that either. If YOU don’t want to hear it (I wouldn’t), tell her it makes YOU uncomfortable. If she is anything like people I know, she was raised that “the help” don’t exist.
It sounds like she feels comfortable around her driver and doesn’t care. It sounds like YOU are uncomfortable. You’re making an assumption that the driver cares or is uncomfortable. Presumably her driver gets paid, he’s doing a job. He probably hears all kind of things in his line of work. You need to tell her that you are uncomfortable when she talks about sexual stuff because you are the one who is having the problem with it.
Setting a boundary means enforcing that boundary. It’s not just words. You have to be willing to change your own behaviour to maintain a boundary.
So stop accepting rides from her. Make your own way. Meet at a place.
You don’t know the driver is uncomfortable. All you know is that you’re uncomfortable. Solve your problem by not placing yourself in situations where you know she’s going to behave in ways you can’t accept.