i’m the youngest in my family. i have an older sister, and i have known for a while that before i was born, my mom had a miscarriage, i was supposed to have an older brother. i never met him, obviously. he never got to live. but I still think about him sometimes, and i grieve him in a weird way.
it’s llike I know I missed out on having a sibling, someone who could’ve been a part of my life. i wonder what he would’ve been like, what kind of relationship we would’ve had. especially since i’ve always wanted an older brother. i feel this strange sadness over someone who never even made it into the world. and I feel kind of guilty or weird for grieving him, like i don’t really have the right to feel that way since i was never there when it happened.
is this normal? has anyone else felt this kind of grief for a sibling who never got to exist?
is it weird to grieve a sibling that was never born?
r/Advice
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It’s not weird at all and I’m sorry for your loss to you and your entire family.
It’s not weird at all. Your family went through a big loss regardless
Imo I think it is weird – I would understand if you went with your mum through pregnancy but it was before you were even born? Like 20 years ago?
I think you don’t „grieve“, you just lack security/closeness with someone or any other things that this image represents for you.
It’s very normal to grieve like that.
A relative of mine found out he had an older brother, who was stillborn, and his parents never told him. He found the papers about it after his parents died. It really hurt him.
So it’s good that you know about it, and can process your feelings about it.
Grief isn’t just about memories it’s also about what could’ve been. You’re mourning the idea of someone who would’ve mattered to you, and that’s completely valid. I’ve felt a similar sadness for a sibling my mom lost too. You’re not alone in this.
You are attached to the idea of what your brother could have been which is a projection of what your mom wanted him to be based on how she has talked to you about him. This isn’t wrong necessarily, unless you are quite fixated on it. But just remember that you don’t actually know what it would have been like had he been born. There’s nothing inherently wrong with wishing you had a sibling. But sometimes we get fixated on things and that can be unhealthy. “My life would be perfect if I had just had an older brother” is what this would look like. It’s not healthy to focus on what could have been because it’s just your mind’s projection and it’s not based on reality. What you’re yearning for is an idea of a person that you have made up. Who would have magically made everything better. But if he had been born, he wouldn’t have magically made your life perfect. Your life would just be different. Maybe you would have been great friends or maybe you wouldn’t have.
I think it’s worth it for you to think through exactly how your life would have been made better if he had been born, and see if it tells you anything about your life now. Maybe it could inspire you to make some changes and seek more connection with people around you. Perhaps you are yearning for deep friendship and you’re feeling like having an older brother would have given you that. But you can have deep friendships now if you want to invest in your relationships with your friends. And you can do that better if you’re not stuck on the idea of your brother and what you missed out on.
These types of thoughts can be really interesting to talk about with a therapist if you are at all inclined and able to do so. I think you could learn about a lot of things like your relationship with your mom and your feelings about your current life.
As someone with 5 siblings, I can’t relate to grieving one for not existing. Life would be easier if I didn’t have such a huge family.
Absolutely not weird. I grieve; my older siblings and my younger brother. My 2 children; know they have 5 siblings who are in Heaven too. I have faith that I will meet all my siblings and children in Heaven one day.
I don’t think it’s weird. My late grandma had a twin brother that died many years before I was born. He was a commercial pilot and unfortunately died in a plane crash. He had a family but they moved to a different continent and I don’t know them. So sometimes I think about how must’ve been so cool to be a pilot back then and if he was still alive my family would’ve been bigger. I really wish I met him. My face has a lot of features that I share with him and my grandma. As someone said, we grieve also for what could’ve happened.
But now when I fly I have my guardian angel pilot in the sky ✈️
It’s not weird. I am in a similar situation. My mother got an abortion after she had me. It was a boy. i am almost 30 years old now and sometimes i wonder what if he lived? What kind of choices would he have made in life? Would we have gotten along? Would he have been closer to my parents than me or not? What job would he have chosen?..
My mother told me that after the abortion she dreamt of him surrounded by happy kids, dancing beside a green tree. a beautiful scenery.
at some point i wrote him a letter with everything i got on my mind and my heart about this situation. I felt a tremendous relief.