Hey everyone.
Ive been dating this woman for about 6 months, and so far everything is great. Good communication, empathy, fun, all the good stuff.
Lately weve been having deeper talks about our relationship. Im realizing that she is basically giving to me exactly what she expects me to give to her in terms of boundaries and expectations. Sounds great right? My problem is that she basically has no real boundaries regarding having respect for the relationship. Thats easy for me to respect regardless, but she cant understand why im uncomfortable with certain people/situations.
Hear me out.
She trusts me 100%. Thats great, i would never choose to betray that. But, i also choose not to put myself in compromising situations where anything could be misinterpreted, making it easy. She in turn expects me to be ok with her and a man who we both know has intentions on her getting into a car and leaving work (many times on lunchbreaks) at 2:30am to park alone and smoke weed. She says i must not trust her if this makes me uncomfortable and want it to stop. Theyre not friends per se, but theyre obviously closer than simply coworkers. I trust her that nothing physical has happened, but feel like the intimacy of the situation is at best disrespectful to our relationship by way of keeping someone very close who is physically/emotionally attracted to her, and at worst, emotional infidelity. This sounds like i may be overreacting, until i say that i had no idea this man existed for at least 2 months. The moment she (seemingly accidentally) broke the news of his existence to me, she looked like a deer in headlights.
This is not the only situation she is involved in where i question if she respects the relationship and my concerns, just the one i picked.
Her reasoning is that she wouldnt care if the roles were reversed because she trusts me, but i dont think we see eye to eye on what “respecting the relationship” means.
I need to know if my discomfort is warranted, and if enforcing a boundary (read: losing trust or leaving) is justified, or if it sounds like insecurity. I would welcome any help navigating this disconnect we have.
Comments
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She’s nearly 40 years old and she’s sneaking out at 2:30am to blaze in some dude’s car while she’s in a relationship. Pretty weird dude. Boundaries are there for a reason- when people cross them, you leave. She’s crossing your boundaries. She’s grown enough to know what she’s doing and if she doesn’t she won’t learn any time soon.
Edit for clarity and spelling
if your boundaries in a relationship don’t align, or the other person repeatedly & knowingly does things that cross one of your boundaries, then you end the relationship.
That is the whole point of having boundaries.
So I can understand you 100% and see it the same way as you do… And I am of the opinion that if there was really nothing, she would have no problems to put the contact on ice, but since she felt it necessary to conceal it for 2 months… Thick red flag
You are both 39 grown-a$$ years old… she damn well knows that what she is doing is disrespecting your relationship. Or at least she should… otherwise, I guess now you know why she was 39 and still single.
I don’t believe for a second that she would be perfectly fine with you going off to smoke weed/get drunk/whatever at 2:30 in the freaking morning with a co-worker of the opposite sex, puh-leeease!!
Tell her that YOUR boundary is that you won’t date anyone that thinks that type of behavior is acceptable. Then she can decide if she wants to smarten up, or be single again so she can keep smoking weed in empty parking lots at 40 years old. 😒
I’m with you, it’s disrespectful. Her lack of wanting any boundaries gives me the impression she’s not invested because I would think anyone who wants to be seen as a committed partner would be uncomfortable.
Boundaries are for you not her which means that she isn’t crossing any boundaries but it’s kind of confusing to me too so who cares what we call it. The main thing is I don’t think your concern is invalid at all and instead of phrasing it in terms of boundaries just say that it makes you feel uncomfortable and hopefully she understands and decides to make her own decision to not do that. You’ll want to be prepared for her to refuse to do anything by insisting that you are being insecure or that she wouldn’t have a problem with it and if that’s the case you either have to accept it or set a firm “boundary” by breaking up. I hope that makes sense. If I were you I would have a hard time feeling good about either decision because while I’m forgiving I’m also sensitive to being told my feelings are invalid or unwarranted. Maybe she just needs some help understanding where you are coming from or maybe you can just let it go for now and keep an eye out in case it becomes a pattern of invalidation.
Gaslighting 101
A boundary looks like this; “if you continue to go on these smoking dates I will leave the relationship.” Then you follow through. Asking her to stop is not a boundary, the boundary is what YOU do in response to situations. If my partner continues to go on late night dates I’d certainly not be having it.
I’ve actually had a similar situation where apparently I was just paranoid about a new friend and why can’t they just go to lunch??!!! They were together within a day of our relationship ending.
Listen to your gut. She doesn’t respect you. Move on.
She’s 40 and smoking weed with a dude at work in a parking lot, this happens to women at this age she has regressed to 15 year old party girl I guarantee she’s banging him. Hire a PI and you will have proof or save your money and realize you are being played
I had a gf like this. She was always doing things like this under the radar that I d only hear about from other people . She’d then gaslight me if I asked about it.
It made the relationship toxic, and I learned a good lesson, which is that honesty and trust are crucial if you want a serious relationship.
I don’t think this is that complicated – shes not behaving trustworthy so why would you trust her?
She’s absolutely giving him blowjobs
Yeeeeeaaaah, I’d be out.
The “if roles were reversed” stuff is bs if for no other reason than is women who decide what sexual activity goes on.
You’re 39, stable employment, and likely have a place of your own.
Find another (younger) woman who can match your boundaries and show respect for what you two have together.
Bro break up. I got to the part about some dude u both know has intentions on her. NOPE.
Just break up and move on my friend.
Yes no her boundaries are off and no you shouldn’t trust her. The fact you had raised your concern and she dismisses it is a red flag too. Most decent partners would be receptive and adapt their behaviour to make the loved one feel better.
The fact is these little choice- to sit with someone alone, to repeatedly see the same person 1-2-1, to smoke with someone – are mini steps towards the path of infidelity. It’s much harder to cheat when you boundaries are firm than when you blur the lines a lot. In fact it is exactly how my husband cheated-
You know why that guy is hanging out with her. She knows why that guy is hanging out with her.
Either she’s lying to you and has something going on, or she’s toying with him and enjoying the attention she gets from a guy desiring her that she’s never going to date. Either way, her morals sound questionable and I’d be inclined to find someone else.
Sounds like she is playing games.
It’s easier to try to manipulate you with this disingenuous argument than it is to explain her sketchy behavior. Especially because she doesn’t want to change it.
Bro I’m sorry to say shes likely done something with that guy. You just haven’t caught them. She gaslighting you and you’re falling for it.
She has drug addiction behavior, attitude and screwed up judgement. She is not a person for a serious relationship. She will keep hurting you, disappointing you. Even if she went to rehab and started attending NA it takes years for an addict to deeply admit they have no control and can stay drug free. Let her know you want to take a break. Focus on detoxing yourself from her emotionally and physically. Do what makes you happy. Life is too short to be in a relationship where you are supposed to accept the person you love doing drugs with another druggie in the middle of the night in a car.😡
Boundaries are something you put on yourself. Not on someone else.
A boundary example: “I won’t smoke weed with that guy.”
Being controlling, “She can’t smoke weed with that guy.”
A way to turn this into a healthy boundary: “I won’t date someone who is going to smoke weed with that guy, so I will no longer be in a relationship with that person.”
It sounds like she is not helping you feel comfortable in this relationship, so I think the best thing for everyone involved is to move on from it and go your separate ways.
TBH, I’d primarily have a problem with her smoking weed. The fact she’s doing it with some guy she works with is an additional concern.
Both would be a dealbreaker for me.
Dude, boundaries are only for you. You can’t “enforce” a boundary on someone else.
If you aren’t okay dating someone who sits in a car and smokes weed with a coworker, end the relationship.
She’s right, you don’t trust her. She’s not a partner who meets what you need emotionally. Instead of demanding she be someone she’s not, accept her as she is or end things.
You can only control your boundaries.
Self respect, is what you do when someone knowingly crosses them. And she did know she was in the wrong, or she would not have hidden it.
Her boundary talks are irrelevant, when you know her behavior shows she has no respect for you. Her boundaries change, based on what information she witholds/hides/lies about.
Trust what your instincts are telling you.
People today don’t understand what “trust” in a relationship means. They think it means “do whatever you want because I trust that you won’t ever do anything wrong” but that’s silly and stupid because it assumes that you can trust your partner is infallible and won’t ever make a mistake. Healthy trust in a relationship is trusting that your partner will make good decisions to protect and uphold your relationship. A good decision would be to say “hanging out in this dude’s car to smoke weed makes my partner uncomfortable and is disrespectful to our relationship so I’m going to not do that”. You should be able to trust your partner to make that correct decision and she’s telling you that you can’t.
People trying to pull the “you should trust me enough to let me do literally anything without question” is why so many relationships are complete dumpster fires.
Trust has to be one of the most misused and abused ideas that there is.
Trust is earnt. It’s only 6 months in, you don’t know her well enough to trust her wholeheartedly yet. It’s also not a shield you hide behind, so you can do anything you want. You can’t go “Trust me I won’t do shady stuff” whilst going off and doing said shady stuff. Trust is built and earnt by showing you have a track record of behaving properly and showing good judgement. She hasn’t done that yet.
Even taking the guy out of the picture, who things going off at your lunch break at work and smoking weed is a good idea? She’s not a college kid, that’s just terrible judgement. Do you want someone who basically never left their stoner phase?
Honestly, bin her and move on. You can do better and shes not someone who will change these habits for you.
Propriety in a relationship is crucial. She clearly can’t even spell that word or more accurately chooses not to be able to do so.
I mean you could choose to hang out with two of your favorite porn stars. In a hotel room all night. With a ton of alcohol & drugs. After paying them their full escort fees. With your phone turned off. Simply so you can discuss your shared interest in crochet and 19th century diplomacy. That really could be true. But no one with any functional thought processes is going to believe you aren’t cheating and you’d have to be a complete AH to even ask your partner to trust you in such a situation.
Triangulation is sweeping the nation.
Skeet
Skeet
Skeet
You don’t need to have the same exact boundaries, you just have to accept each others’ boundaries (or not, and then break it off).
Sounds like this has been her life for a long time and restricting her behavior for a relationship isn’t something she considers . Having a reasonable boundary is never being insecure. 6 months is not longtime- maybe keep pointing out/ asking why she wants to spend time with guys who obviously don’t respect your relationship and/or want to hookup. If she never adjusts then consider if you can live that way.
BTW I am friends with someone like this. She is married and has spent decades not observing boundaries in her friendships. Afaik she has never cheated although some might consider what she does cheating. It’s attention seeking behavior
She’s cheating on you- whether she’s had sex with him yet or not. It’s simply a matter of when .