I (39f) recently became a mom to twin boys! For context my husband (42m) and I have been married for 11 years and together 14, and in those years of us being married we tried to start our own family. (Husband also has a child prior, 19m). The process (to keep it brief) included 7 miscarriages, 3 failed IVF cycles and 2 failed IUIs. You can imagine how hard , devastating, expensive the process was. I thought I’d never have a family. Fast forward>>Our identical boys are now a month old and healthy!
Husband and I decided that maybe we should cut our losses and continue being a childfree couple. Until one day I had to leave work early because I was nauseous and we later found out I was 4 weeks pregnant with twins! Came as a shock and I was scared as hell as to what could happen. I wanted to be happy but I don’t have the best track record with carrying babies, and I was afraid I’d let my husband down again. But he was over-the-moon excited and had way more faith than I did.
We didn’t tell our family I was pregnant until my 5 month mark. I wasn’t comfortable doing so and Hubby agreed. But we had some family members who felt a way about that… they didn’t exactly enjoy the fact that we hid it and they didn’t understand why I was so uneasy/anxious.
Everyone thought I should be happier because it’s what I wanted—as of course it is! Deep down I’m excited! But anything could happen, the anxiety with pregnancy after miscarriages is REAL.
Now that my boys are here we’ve been getting some insensitive remarks.
“Omg you guys are starting late.”
“I would’ve given up, no way I’m changing diapers in my 40s.”
“Damn you’ll be running after toddlers in your 40s.”
“Well rather you than me.”
“You must be annoyed. It’s harder when you’re old.”
“Girl I hope you’re not planning on having more. You gotta think about your kid you lived half your life already.”
“Don’t you want your freedom in your 40s? I’m glad I had mine at 23 so I’ll be free.”
Like what do you think we were doing all this time??? Who the fuck says these things???
In the midst of trying to start a family, we traveled, enjoyed ourselves as a couple as much as we could, celebrated other people baby showers/birthdays even when we didn’t want to.
I’ve always been a career woman, I started my own business and focused on that. Now I’ve finally gotten the chance to settle down with our family and be a mommy!
I don’t know why I’m being judged. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but I didn’t exactly choose to be a mom at nearly 40. It’s just the way life worked out for us.
People are truly irritating and it’s almost laughable how ignorant / insensitive they can be.
& Just because we had twins doesn’t mean we forget our other rainbow babies, or what we went through isn’t forgotten. People don’t understand that either. They’ve been wanting to see the twins more and other
Moms in the family want to include me in stuff now that I’m a parent. But I’m just not interested.
My husband knows I’m a little sensitive (he has thick skin , doesn’t let much affect him), so he thinks I’m being a bit harsh by distancing myself and staying in house with the babies.
You’d think after all we went through people would be more celebratory for us after we shared our story.
Am I being too sensitive??
Comments
> Am I being too sensitive?
No, you’re not. Limit contact with those people. Enjoy your babies! Their comments reflect poorly on them, not you
From my POV you are not being too sensitive. You both have been through a lot and although not everyone might understand the full extend of it all, the ones who are closer to you should know better that to go for such remarks that while used commonly as they have their place as a banter but not when you are aware of the context.
Boundaries are about what you allow and what you don’t, so determine what are your boundaries regarding your relationship with the ones you are currently withdrawing from, and make sure you and your partner are in the same page so you can have a common ground that nurtures what you are looking for.
PD. Congratulations on being a Mom!!
If you find the comments overwhelming… they are ignorant plus your hormones after childbirth can make you more sensitive as well, making it harder to just brush off….. what I started out saying was if you have your close friend/s who you see regularly enough and feel supported, that’s okay too.
Hey,
my mother had me at 39 and i am also a twin!!!
you are not being sensitive, there is so much stigma about being a mother outside of the 20s range…. you are a superstar mother no matter your age!! people need to learn to accept other peoples lives because they never know the full story…
i just want you to know that you are not alone, and this is something to advocate for not suppress, this happens to so many women, who are just taught to accept it!
don’t let people tell you that you are in the wrong!
Enjoy your boys. Learn to ignore the naysayers and, if possible, call them out when they start. Establish boundaries. Gods timing is the best.
you need to have some answers ready to make those people aware of their narrow mindset and don‘t be sorry when you make them speechless
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!!
Secondly, no you’re not being too sensitive. These comments are out of line, rude and disrespectful. Minimize or totally cut the contact with people who say these things and surround yourself with positive and supportive people.
Congratulations! You’re a good mum 💙💙
Those people are just rude. Fuck them and their silly opinions.
My mom always says that having me at 39 kept her young. I would say that’s true!
There is literally no age method philosophy or anything else that would make you immune to criticism as a first time mom
Who says things like that… these people are jerks. You are not being too sensitive, I would reply with “wow, did you really just said that?” laugh shaking my head and walk off, laughing.
Some people will go to extreme lengths to put people down, especially when they see them happy.
Congratulations to both of you!!!
Sadly, it’s still weirdly normal to comment on such things even though it clearly oversteps boundaries. Some comments are well-meaning, but ignorant, some may be intended to be funny – and some are downright mean.
None of these comments are okay. But we do live in a world where people get such comments. My point is that you should prepare yourself for more of that nonsense. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t react accordingly! Make those people aware that they’ve overstepped. You don’t need to keep these feelings to yourself. If it’s truly just ignorance, they’re going to apologise. If not, those are really not people you want to be around.
Anyway: Congratulations on your twins, and wishing the four of you all the best.
You’re not being too sensitive but fck them…. And I mean that in the just loving way. It doesn’t seem like they are intentionally trying to hurt you.
You got to live and explore without children longer. Theres plenty of ppl who willingly wait til their 30s bc they are career driven.
They are being a bit inconsiderate with the comments and kinda ignorant giving all the crap you been through TRYING to have babies “in your 20s” 🙄. Next time tell them about their favorite celebrity who waited to have children in their 40s and 50s even.
You can also say “yup infertility kinda sucks😳😏…. I tried 🤷♀️”
Reminding them you had no control. It was hit or miss with the twins survival. Little miracle rainbows babies. You deserved this moment don’t let little comments like that get to you. And you’re still postpartum so take it easy on yourself 🤍
If it gets too much just tell them how the comments are negatively impacting you .
My uncle chose to have kids later in life. His girls are great and they are doing well. Not perfect but they did better than my ex’s niece who had her first at barely 14!!! You can feel however you want! They are your feelings. People don’t like to be called out for being crappy or cruel and they should be distanced because they are crappy or cruel or both! Enjoy the twins, every minute, well not all because some moments may suck and you hate it and that’s okay too!!
Who the fuck says these things indeed?! Who are these people and why are they allowed in your life? Shut out all that noise, protect your peace and enjoy your cozy life with your family. Congratulations!
As a 35F who just went through 3 miscarriages, reading that you finally have your babies gives me hope… Well done <3
Even if I receive similar shitty comments as you (it’s unbelievable how unempathic or just dumb some people can be)… It will be worth it.
If you expected to be a parent and Never get unsolicited advice and comments about parenting, you are ReaaaaLlly naive.