I live in a popular holiday destination. Every summer I get friends and family staying. They just invite themselves down. I find it really stressful because one of the members of my family is super critical and judgmental, complaining about things like the stairs are narrow, that there wasn’t enough home-cooked food provided, that my pet dog is annoying, lots of petty things. She also used to flirt with my husband when she was drunk, which I found disrespectful but didn’t worry me as I knew my husband disliked her! So even though I’d look forward to seeing her, there are always comments and actions that will niggle and make me feel stressed and ultimately countdown the hours until she left. And then I would feel a combination of shitty, annoyed, guilty and exhausted.
Then I have a group of friends who are loud and like to come here to party. Which is ok. But I love my neighbours and don’t want to piss them off. If my friends see I’m tense because of it, this will just make them worse. They like to wind people up. They’ve stirred things up between me and my husband. Offering him alcohol when he was trying to quit drinking, winding him up. He stayed in a hotel last time they came because he hates them so much.
Following my sister’s complaint about the food, I made some food for when they came and they teased me about that and asked why would they want to eat in when there are so many great places to eat.
They like to party hard. I stopped drinking a while ago for health reasons and they tease me about that saying things like “what is the point of you”. Don’t get me wrong it’s not all bad. They also say they love me etc. But by the end of the summer I’m normally exhausted, broke and broken. And my poor daughter hasn’t had the attention she deserves. While everyone else has had a free holiday.
Anyway. I recently got divorced. I managed to avoid them visiting for a while, the turbulence of the last throes of my marriage was a good enough reason and last summer was bliss.
Now I have a spare room though, the queue soon formed. Not only that but I have friends who are wanting to break up from their relationships already hinting that they like to come and LIVE here!
The trouble is, after having years in a bad marriage, my daughter and I are loving living in peace. She maybe has another year or two before leaving for college and I just want to enjoy every second with her.
So I have said that nobody can stay because I’ve taken on a lodger to make ends meet.
My other options would have been to come clean and say I don’t enjoy it, which might have caused conflict and honestly, I’ve had enough of that. I could say we just need some time, but I don’t think that would have worked in keeping them away. Or to sell up and move to somewhere with no spare room! Which is very drastic and my daughter loves this house and would likely get anxious at that option.
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I live in a popular holiday destination. Every summer I get friends and family staying. They just invite themselves down. I find it really stressful because one of the members of my family is super critical and judgmental, complaining about things like the stairs are narrow, that there wasn’t enough home-cooked food provided, that my pet dog is annoying, lots of petty things. She also used to flirt with my husband when she was drunk, which I found disrespectful but didn’t worry me as I knew my husband disliked her! So even though I’d look forward to seeing her, there are always comments and actions that will niggle and make me feel stressed and ultimately countdown the hours until she left. And then I would feel a combination of shitty, annoyed, guilty and exhausted.
Then I have a group of friends who are loud and like to come here to party. Which is ok. But I love my neighbours and don’t want to piss them off. If my friends see I’m tense because of it, this will just make them worse. They like to wind people up. They’ve stirred things up between me and my husband. Offering him alcohol when he was trying to quit drinking, winding him up. He stayed in a hotel last time they came because he hates them so much.
Following my sister’s complaint about the food, I made some food for when they came and they teased me about that and asked why would they want to eat in when there are so many great places to eat.
They like to party hard. I stopped drinking a while ago for health reasons and they tease me about that saying things like “what is the point of you”. Don’t get me wrong it’s not all bad. They also say they love me etc. But by the end of the summer I’m normally exhausted, broke and broken. And my poor daughter hasn’t had the attention she deserves. While everyone else has had a free holiday.
Anyway. I recently got divorced. I managed to avoid them visiting for a while, the turbulence of the last throes of my marriage was a good enough reason and last summer was bliss.
Now I have a spare room though, the queue soon formed. Not only that but I have friends who are wanting to break up from their relationships already hinting that they like to come and LIVE here!
The trouble is, after having years in a bad marriage, my daughter and I are loving living in peace. She maybe has another year or two before leaving for college and I just want to enjoy every second with her.
So I have said that nobody can stay because I’ve taken on a lodger to make ends meet.
My other options would have been to come clean and say I don’t enjoy it, which might have caused conflict and honestly, I’ve had enough of that. I could say we just need some time, but I don’t think that would have worked in keeping them away. Or to sell up and move to somewhere with no spare room! Which is very drastic and my daughter loves this house and would likely get anxious at that option.
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> AITA For pretending to have a lodger to limit the amount of people wanting to stay with me
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
AITA for pretending to have a lodger to limit the amount of visitors I get.
NTA. Keep your house calm and your nerves at peace.
NTA
Enjoy your peace.
I’m sure you love them but they all sound like terribly entitled, rude, bratty, unappreciative guests. I would give everyone one warning re: being too loud, complaining about food, etc then if they don’t straighten up, they don’t get to come stay with me anymore
NTA. It’s a simple way to get left in peace. If they ever find out the truth, tell them exactly why. They’ve all been disrespectful, entitled, and disruptive. You and your daughter just want to live in peace.
NTA.
No is a complete sentence. Just say NO. It won’t work out this year.
We want to focus on family time.
We want to relax and enjoy our summer.
We have rabies.
NTA
But you don’t have friends. They see you as a free place to stay and nothing more. You need to ork on our confidence. You are allowed to enjoy your own home without being used as a free b&b. Use he excuse of a lodger if you need too but you really have to work on yourself and understanding that you have control here.
Nope. NTA. Don’t let anyone stay who wasn’t invited. That’s your home. Not a free hotel.
NTA for not wanting uninvited visitors. Legit. But tbh I think saying the truth is just better, so what if there’s confrontation??? They come to your house uninvited and being ungrateful bishes and you’re worried they’re gonna get mad? You’re better off without them in your life so just be honest and tell them they cannot visit and if they want to they have to ask, if they turn up out of the blue they are not getting in. Period.
(The missing paragraphs 😭 my non-English speaking brain almost had an aneurism trying to read it all in order. I hate when Reddit does that.)
Oh honey, you are so NTA. While it always good to be direct, there are many people out there who will simply ignore what you’ve said anyway. You and your daughter deserve peace to heal and bond and just be. Hold on to your peace. And when your daughter leaves for college, you’ll likely need a second lodger to ensure your “friends” don’t try again. But I’m going to speak a little old lady home truths here. These people don’t really sound like your friends. Friends don’t belittle choices that you’ve made to get healthier and more in control of your life. Friends don’t intentionally try to “wind you up” which is another way of saying intentionally making you uncomfortable. It really sounds like you need new friends. Or no friends would even be better than this. So protect your peace, distance yourself from these “friends”, and live your very best life. You deserve it.
NTA – protect your peace, I live in a seaside town in the uk, and have 2 spare rooms, which apparently means, family and friends can just rock up and stay!!
Yeah no, I told them they do that I’m charging them air bnb rates lol
A lot of the people in your life sound horrible, and you find peace by lying to them so as you don’t have to see them. You are worthy of more than this kind of existence. Enjoy the precious time with your daughter and if lying to people that you should have long cut off is how you get it, great. But then also cut off these horrible people. You don’t deserve how you’ve been treated but also you’ve not set the best example to your daughter by keeping them in your life this long. How would you feel if she kept people in her life that treated her like your friends and external family have treated you? NTA and I hope you have the best summer ever before permanently untethering yourself from the crappy people
NTA and I think you found a perfect solution. I am conflict-averse, too, and I like your approach.
People can be exhausting but I still like hanging out with them – but like alcohol, you need proper dosage of these people! Too much will spoil the fun.
NTA This is a good low conflict way to avoid having unwelcome visitors. Cottage owner here so I understand.
No you can’t stay this year. You flirted with my husband, you were so obnoxious you drove my husband out to a hotel (why did you not kick them out at that point?) and you’re rude to my neighbours. Of course you can’t stay again.
They don’t give a fuck about your feelings, why are you gingerly wringing your hands about a bit of honesty?
NTA. love is an action not words. None of these people are acting loving towards you. They’re all using you. Screw them all. I wish you’d have the courage to be honest but as a recovering people pleaser myself I understand that it’s hard and a big process to get there. So tell them you have a lodger if you want. Tell them you’re fumigating. Whatever makes sense to you to have them back off hopefully forever. And I agree with the other commenter saying to go to therapy to get stronger. Because you need to learn to stand up for yourself so you can have real friends.
NTA but honey, you need to work on your self confidence and STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK. It’s your life, your house, your child and you get to say who is invited into that situation. If they don’t like the answer, that’s on them and so much not your problem.
NTA. Though I perosnally wouldn’t make fake excuses, sometimes conflict is necessary to set a healthy boundary, and it’s easier to just be honest than to maintain a lie over the long term. I would tell them im not up for it this year, and to please stop inviting yourselves. I will reach out and invite you myself when I miss your company.
NTA; I lived in a popular tourist destination for 38 years. I learned right away that when people let me know they were coming, I would let them know right then what hotels they should check out.
They aren’t real friends. Please don’t justify their behaviour and you can absolutely say anything you want to stop them staying with you. But I encourage honesty. Explain how they make you feel in your own home. If they’re good people they’ll understand
This is a brilliant idea and I love it!
NTA.
These friends of yours are not friends. They mock, bully and belittle you while feeling entitled to use you and your resources as they please. Saying it’s not all bad because they tell you they love you is exactly what abuse victims say when asked why they won’t leave their abusive partners. You need better friends. Real ones.
Are you a people pleaser? Your friends are bullies, your sister is appalling and everyone tramples your self-respect, wellbeing, wants, desires and boundaries so badly that you’ve resorted to lying to keep them at bay.
Speaking as a recovering people pleaser and doormat, I recognise a lot of things in your post. It’s hard to stand up for yourself initially, but — like any learned skill — it does get easier with time and practice.
Meanwhile, if the lie works while you figure out your self-confidence, do that. In the long-run, however, you do need to learn how to say no and how to stand your ground without feeling guilty for protecting yourself.
That being said, the level of entitlement your “friends” and sister display, even with a shiny spine, you’d probably still be fighting them off, so if the lie continues to be necessary, you still won’t be the arsehole for using everything in your arsenal to protect your peace.
NTA. A lodger is the perfect excuse that balances you protecting your peace, your daughter having her space for her, and you not having to explain to pushy people why you don’t want them around
NTA but I would tell them that you can’t host anymore. That’s that. They see you as free lodging and they criticise and tease you when you try to be a good host. They are not contributing anything and need you to entertain them to the point of neglecting your child. All so they can have a free holiday.
Let them pay for their own holidays.
I had a relative that lived at a resort way back in the woods. I lived going there. My cell phone had terrible service and I could totally disconnect from work and worries.
But when I wanted to come, I’d make it clear that if it wasn’t a good time, I would wait until they had time for me. I’d always bring food and drinks and take them out for dinner at least once. I’d entertain myself and try very hard not to be in the way. And I’d never, ever criticise the food they made me the plans they made for my visit. THEY were doing me a favor. I wasn’t doing THEM a favor.
Your family seems to be very entitled.
NTA. You’re not running a free Airbnb, and it sounds like people have been taking major advantage of your space and energy. You tried being generous, it didn’t work out, so now you’re protecting your peace. Honestly, saying you have a lodger is a clever way to set boundaries without drama. You owe no one access to your home.
YTA, but not because I think it’s wrong to lie to them, but because you’ve clearly never said no to them. Just say no.
NTA. You’re doing what’s right for you and your daughter. Hold firm with your boundaries and whether you have a lodger or not these people are taking advantage of you. Don’t be scared to say that you don’t enjoy having house guests too often but you’d be happy to help them find accommodation locally if they want. Direct them to the local Air BnB or similar groups. You do you. You deserve it.
NTA. You can keep just telling them you have a lodger if you want to avoid conflicts.
Since you’re even willing to move just to avoid conflicts and these people being in your house. I suggest going to the extreme in the opposite direction.
If anyone starts really questioning it or catching on that you don’t have any renters. You can always turn it into a room with a big clunky uncomfortable furniture (large conference style desk etc) or large piece gym equipmenta inconveniently located in the room. Start storing all the random stuff you have in the house that has no place in there. Put empty boxes in the room and put weight in some of them. If you have furniture in your bedroom or living you don’t use, move it in there. This way you have more room in places you normally live in. And then tell your friends and family that there’s no room and the equipment and stuff is too heavy and cumbersome for you to move and there’s nowhere else to put it. So go get a hotel. And give them a list. Then lock the damn room once they see the room. After awhile you can just move the stuff out and keep the room lock.
For the friends who are hinting at moving in with you, you just need to nip that in the bud, period. Tell them you don’t want to ruin your friendships by involving money and landlord/tenant issues and you cannot and will not let them live there for free.
If they try to push the matter, start guilting/gaslighting them. Tell them they’re only friends with you for your home and the location. Tell them you don’t feel like they’re being a good friend by putting you in this situation and how dare they do so when you just got divorced. Tell them you feel like they’re trying to use you and when you say no, leave you like your ex. Tell them you thought they loved and care about you and now you don’t know. Be emotional. Cry. Blow it out of portions. Make them never bring up the subject again.
And if any of them are male, just say your daughter is not comfortable living with a man not her father. If they push it, then ask them why are they so aggressive on wanting to live with a teenage girl? Tell them now YOU’RE uncomfortable giving their pushiness.
I work in a law firm and we handle family matters. You will be surprised how well emotional warfare works.
You need to just grow up, get a back bone and say no.
If they ask say no.
If they turn up uninvited tell them they can’t stay.
Your daughter deserves better than to have this stress in her own home.
We have a former B&B on the coast. We love our home and pool but we don’t want 8weeks of visitors. We are very careful to say we are home between x and y dates. We would love you to visit if you would like but you will need to “insert house basics here” and we are rural so you’ll need to hire a car if you want to get around. We send that to our selected family/friends who will bring us joy when visiting
With friends like that, who needs enemies? Some friends are better friends at a distance
YTA for keeping these obnoxious and awful people as “friends.”
Newsflash. Those are not friends. They are obnoxious bullies, and they are only “friends” with you because of this place and because you haven’t got a spine to say no. You keep Aholes around you instead of good, considerate people. Your neighbours definitely think you are obnoxious, too. Have you heard the term “guilty by association”?
Ironic, because a genuinely considerate person would kick these friends out and tell them not to come over anymore.
You worry way too much about what bullies think and pandering to them than the real people affected by your choices. And I feel sorry for your poor husband (is he now your ex?) because you allowed all of this stress and annoyance to happen. You still allowed your husbands sexual harrasser to stay instead of banning her from the property. You don’t have your partner’s back. All because of your own poor boundaries and inability to just say no. He must have asked you plenty of times not to allow these awful people around. Your poor daughter, too.
Instead of just being a strong person, you’re even thinking of selling the place she loves because you’re not brave enough to fight for peace. There’s a thread here of you unable to deal with confrontation and just running away and rolling over from your problems instead of making things right for the people afflicted. The common denominator for all your problems is the person in the mirror.
NTA for using this excuse to keep people out, but you need a serious reality check about your lack of boundaries.
Good excuse to say no but work at learning to set real boundaries in your life and maintain them honestly.
NTA. Brilliant excuse. Well played.