Everytime my husband and I make plans to visit our adult girls (2 both married and grandkids and a 4hr flight) I never get a response from 1 for days. While the other has her response for us to do things with grandkids within a day. 30 days should be enough notice if we can visit. And there’s other family we visit with also. 7 days before trip and still just lame excuses with no definite dates. I’m just totally over catering to this daughter. My husband on the other hand acts like planning makes no difference and just go with the flow. But I like some idea of where and when to visit…… just over feeling rushed for the last minute ‘well, if you can make it’ plans, because then I look like the bad guy if we can’t break other family plans to see grandkids. It’s hard for large get-togethers b/c of work schedules.
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Everytime my husband and I make plans to visit our adult girls (2 both married and grandkids and a 4hr flight) I never get a response from 1 for days. While the other has her response for us to do things with grandkids within a day. 30 days should be enough notice if we can visit. And there’s other family we visit with also. 7 days before trip and still just lame excuses with no definite dates. I’m just totally over catering to this daughter. My husband on the other hand acts like planning makes no difference and just go with the flow. But I like some idea of where and when to visit…… just over feeling rushed for the last minute ‘well, if you can make it’ plans, because then I look like the bad guy if we can’t break other family plans to see grandkids. It’s hard for large get-togethers b/c of work schedules.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m going to miss visiting with grandkids because my daughter can’t make plans with me in a timely manner, I’m not going to let 1 daughter interrupt plans with another daughter and other family members. So not only will I be the bad guy, but I’ll miss connecting with my grandkids because of their mothers inconsideration
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
So did you just push the issue by going on the trip and not asking this other daughter WEEKS BEFORE about your plans? Because if you pushed this just a couple days before your planned trip, then yes, you ARE the asshole there, because then does your daughter have to adjust her schedule for you only? Especially on such short notice?
NAH – Some people are organized and some are not. Make plans with the daughter who responds and simply tell the other what your plans are. Then take a breath. You are not the bad guy.
30 days may not be enough notice, depending upon the daughter’s job, her husband’s job.
OP sounds like she needs the meticulous planning driven by someone with anxiety, because of the way she speaks about her husband being laid back. I wonder if this anxiety is what’s affected the relationship with her daughters. I’d hazard a guess that the unresponsive one is the oldest.
Need details.
ESH.
To me if she’s taking that long to get back to you, she is probably trying to push off the visit or make it as short as possible for some reason or another.
Have you just tried talking to her and asking why she regularly does this?
Signed a parent with multiple small children with many activities that also wfh with small children and can still find the time to respond… when I want to
Why don’t you plan at least 6 months ahead?
It seems as though one of your daughters has inherited your organised and scheduled mentality and the other has inherited more of a relaxed and go with the flow way of thinking from your husband.
Either way, NAH. You like to do things one way, and your daughter likes to do things another. You can’t force her to be a more organised person, she’s an adult with kids and a life of her own.
If you don’t like the way she does things, just plan your trips the way you want to plan them, and she can work around what you have planned and you can fit her in where you can.
NTA make your plans and tell her she can fit in with them or not see you. You know how she’s going to act to preempt it, just become you fly message her and say “the times we have free are X or Y. Please let me know if you want to meet for one or the other else we will make plans”
Simple, less stress for you, you’ve given her enough notice whilst giving you space to plan like you need, if it upsets her then you can remind her that she had ample notice.
Leave the ball in her court and get on with your own stuff
“Catering to this daughter” when you are the one announcing that you’ll be showing up on a certain date and expecting to be sent a full itinerary of how she’ll be rearranging her and her children’s lives to entertain you? I had to laugh here. Guests usually get invited for visits, not just let hosts know when they are showing up.
YTA for the tone. “Everyone else caters to me and behaves exactly as I require them to so why can’t she?” is all I can hear.
NTA. But when trying to make plans give a deadline. Get back to.me by this date or I’ll book this day with others. Give 2-3 options with a deadline and stick to it. Tell her no answer will result in you not being available. Call rather than text and talk.
INFO Are you giving her notice of a visit or asking if those dates work for her? With kids activities e.g. hobbies and friends birthday parties 30 days isn’t much notice, your daughter also probably has a personal life which involves plans made in advance as well.
Why don’t you say “on Saturday July 5 I’d like to do xx with you and the kids. Will that work?”
Making the decision for her may make things easier.
This is rather vaguely written and hard to follow.
Make your plans, then message her with what days/times are still available and let her know if any of these times work for her to let you know before they get filled. She’s rude to not reach out and make at least one plan. Go with the flow is fine, but then she can’t expect you to drop what you have already planned as that makes you rude when you cancel.
Are you just springing these travel dates on her before asking her about it beforehand? YTA, if that’s how you are playing it.
I would personally be very frustrated if my mom just called and said, “we will be there in a month”, and expected me to come up with an itinerary for her. I plan ahead, and have things scheduled months in advance. What if she already had something scheduled?
When my mom wants to visit the question is, “I’d like to come see you for a few days… what does your schedule look like for the next few months? Do you have a weekend that works for you?”
NTA
She doesn’t reply she doesn’t get a visit.
None of this last minute changing
When she finally tells you ‘oh you can visit on xyz’ you calmly reply ‘sorry that won’t work for us as we’ll be seeing other daughter and her family and then (insert family member here).’
When she throws a fit remind her that you asked over a month ago and everyone was capable of replying and sorting something out
NAH. People have different planning styles and it sounds like your style aligns with one daughter’s and not the other’s. As long as the non-planner doesn’t hold it against you if you can’t go to stuff due to scheduling conflicts, you should not feel guilty and then resent her planning style for your guilt. If she does guilt you, try to come up with a compromise plan, like saying that you’ll leave a specific day open for them.
NTA. I will be unpopular but you’re asking 30 days in advance. Enough time for daughter to let you know the grandchildren’s upcoming schedule. If you didn’t ask in enough time your daughter would be on Reddit bit**hing that you’re not respecting their schedules and being a boomer.
Info: do you help her out at all? She’s in a very difficult phase of life and some people’s parents provide help and support during that phase.
Make your plans, let her know when you’ll be in town and when you have feee time. If she can’t see you, too bad. Don’t break your plans for her. I assume that’s the “catering” part. So- don’t do it.
She may be busy – i get it. But that shouldn’t meant you have to break plans to see her. You’re busy too, even if it’s “vacation”.
My BIL and SIL come to town and stay with FIL a fair amount. Including this week. It’s always last minute. But when they reach out, if we’re busy, we don’t see them. Or if when we’re free, they aren’t, we’re not upset when they don’t break their plans.
Sure, it’s sucks we don’t see them. But – we’re all adults and this is what happens sometimes. Well hopefully catch them the next time.
Doesn’t sound to me like she’s asking you to cater to her. In fact it sounds like you’re asking her to cater to you. That’s fine to plan per your schedule, but stop expecting people to drop everything and plan their life around you. Sounds like you’re there often, so it’s not a once in a blue moon situation.
It also depends on jobs, do they all have a 9-5 or do their scheduled change? Summer is busy with kids. Things come up. I’m not sure why she needs to make a full itinerary for you. It’s your trip not hers. Sounds to me like you don’t offer a lot of flexibility without threats to not see her, which wouldn’t really compel me to rearrange our family’s life either. It also sounds like it hasn’t hurt you in any way to be flexible, as your husband is good with it, you just don’t want to be. Seems more a you issue.
The reality is your kids are different, function differently, and lead different lives. One may have gotten your plan everything to the minute months ahead of time gene, while your other daughter is more flexible and needing to check with what the day brings, more like your husband. You’re going to punish her for not being like you? Sounds like she responds to you, she just doesn’t give you the absolutes you demand of her…she’s got a family now, you don’t come first. Stop breathing down her neck, it makes no one look forward to you coming.
Why not just let go of the need for control and go with the flow a little? It’s not hurting anyone. Your current mindset IS going to hurt your relationship with your daughter and grandkids. Is having every minute planned more important than that? Maybe try not planning every second for one visit…you might actually relax.
From a stranger’s pov, it sounds like each kid took after each parent. If you’re the one doing all the planning, then you get to dictate what everyone is doing. So if that means only seeing the daughter that responds, so be it. A month is ample time but if that’s too far in advance for a definite answer, then she should communicate that. Either she takes after dad or you aren’t getting the hint she doesn’t want to see you.
NAH but try some good ol communication and pick up the phone and call her. “Hey we would love to visit, what works for you?”
ESH – yes 30 days is plenty of time for someone to get back to you with availability. But maybe do a bit of reflection on your own behaviour to see if there’s any underlying reasons why your daughter might be avoiding you. It also wouldn’t hurt a little for you to go with the flow.
When your responsible daughter responds, send her response immediately to the disorganized (overwhelmed?) one so she can see a model of behavior.
If she doesn’t change, then go with the flow like your husband, and tell her, “We didn’t know of your plans so we committed to Aunt X’s. If you had only told us ahead of time, we would have loved to be there.”
YTA, and read the room! She obviously doesn’t want you visiting so often. Having family visit can be a massive inconvenience when you have kids, particularly if these visits are scheduled without any consideration for work or school schedules. She may have enough on her plate without family announcing they’re visiting.
Wait for an invitation next time, instead of announcing that you’re coming to visit and expecting her to fall in line to cater to you.
YTA This is why I always laugh when people do “mental load”
You: “My husband says we could just not worry about this and that’s true but I must or I will be upset but also her behaviors make me upset and I can’t change them through being dissatisfied which makes me upset”
Husband Chilling: “We’re going anyway so lets go and we’ll see everyone who has time for us and if she doesn’t then we won’t see her lol idgi”
“I take on all the work and mental load for doing things only I care about having done which I selflessly do for others because if I didn’t do it how would the things they don’t want done happen huh?”
My family had these same issues hahaha
I agree with the response about this being stylistic. Different personalities handle this stuff differently, that’s all. Outside of family, you must encounter different personality styles, no? Does it always make you angry?
Anyway I’m with your husband on this one. If you’re coming to visit for a few days you don’t actually need to know the day to day schedule. You just know to come and spend some time with your daughter and her family. She probably thinks you’re nuts for needing to know a detailed schedule. That wouldn’t be fair, would it? Well neither is expecting her to be exactly like you
Are the grandkids in any sports or classes? Asking because watching a game, going to swim lessons, etc. is a great way to see the kids and spend time with the parents while they’re doing something they would need to do anyway. OR give the parents a break and say “hey we’ll take Suzy to T ball practice while you go for breakfast or run errands.” Yes I get you want time with your daughters too, but this is being a help to them.
If you suggest that you’d like to go to their games / practices / lessons, you’d be fitting in with their schedule rather than trying to shoe horn them into your plans. You’d also be sharing a real part of their lives.
You visit when you get invited, it doesn’t sound like one of your daughters appreciates you basically inviting yourself every time. Yta for lack of basic manners when your adult children who have their own lives are concerned, one daughter seems to not mind indulging you, for now at least, the other has obviously run out of patience.
INFO.
How do how you ask?
Do you tell her you are going to be in town for x weeks and want to see them? Then let her figure out the where, when, how etc.
Or do you tell her we are going to be in town and want to see you and the kids. Does y activity at z time work for you?
One makes her do the mental load of figuring out suitable activities and times. The other you do it.