I (late 20s) live with Emma (mid 20s), who doesn’t go out much or have many friends. She has a traditional mindset and says things like “women who party too much aren’t wife material,” but still tries to come off as trendy and social.
I’ve brought her twice to hang out with Noah, a close friend of mine, and our circle of international friends. The group speaks three languages, and Emma doesn’t speak any fluently, so I’ve always translated for her, which I honestly don’t mind. What’s exhausting is that she doesn’t just want help, she wants me to stop enjoying myself to be her wingwoman and social buffer all night.
She barely interacts with them directly, unless I’m guiding everything. Yet she follows them online, talks about them like they’re her close friends, and acts like she’s part of the group, even though every interaction has gone through me. At home, she constantly asks about them and analyzes their posts like she’s fantasizing a bond that isn’t really there.
She’s pretty, and yeah, people want to dance or talk to her. But she struggles to hold a conversation (even in her own language) unless I’m hovering nearby. She turns hangouts into this subtle “audition,” trying to seem like perfect girlfriend/wife material. It feels like a weird competition from her, one I’m not even in, bc these are my friends. I’m not trying to impress anyone.
Noah recently invited me to a small hangout, and I want to bring Nina (a friend who also met him through me). Nina speaks their languages and is chill, social, and easy to be around. I can relax when she’s there, bc she doesn’t make it weird or emotionally draining.
Emma is supposed to be out of town that weekend. I stupidly hinted Noah might be around, and now she’s all excited, acting like she’ll run into him. I’m worried she’ll cancel her trip and try to join if she finds out.
I haven’t told her and I do feel guilty, but I just want one stress-free night with people I care about, without playing translator, babysitter, or emotional handler… especially when I already struggle socially myself, lol.
AITA?
TL;DR: I brought my socially awkward roommate to hang out with my friend group twice. I ended up having to translate, guide, and manage her while she treated it like a performance or competition. Now there’s another hangout and I haven’t told her, because I just want to enjoy my night in peace. AITA?
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I (late 20s) live with Emma (mid 20s), who doesn’t go out much or have many friends. She has a traditional mindset and says things like “women who party too much aren’t wife material,” but still tries to come off as trendy and social.
I’ve brought her twice to hang out with Noah, a close friend of mine, and our circle of international friends. The group speaks three languages, and Emma doesn’t speak any fluently, so I’ve always translated for her, which I honestly don’t mind. What’s exhausting is that she doesn’t just want help, she wants me to stop enjoying myself to be her wingwoman and social buffer all night.
She barely interacts with them directly, unless I’m guiding everything. Yet she follows them online, talks about them like they’re her close friends, and acts like she’s part of the group, even though every interaction has gone through me. At home, she constantly asks about them and analyzes their posts like she’s fantasizing a bond that isn’t really there.
She’s pretty, and yeah, people want to dance or talk to her. But she struggles to hold a conversation (even in her own language) unless I’m hovering nearby. She turns hangouts into this subtle “audition,” trying to seem like perfect girlfriend/wife material. It feels like a weird competition from her, one I’m not even in, bc these are my friends. I’m not trying to impress anyone.
Noah recently invited me to a small hangout, and I want to bring Nina (a friend who also met him through me). Nina speaks their languages and is chill, social, and easy to be around. I can relax when she’s there, bc she doesn’t make it weird or emotionally draining.
Emma is supposed to be out of town that weekend. I stupidly hinted Noah might be around, and now she’s all excited, acting like she’ll run into him. I’m worried she’ll cancel her trip and try to join if she finds out.
I haven’t told her and I do feel guilty, but I just want one stress-free night with people I care about, without playing translator, babysitter, or emotional handler… especially when I already struggle socially myself, lol.
AITA?
TL;DR: I brought my socially awkward roommate to hang out with my friend group twice. I ended up having to translate, guide, and manage her while she treated it like a performance or competition. Now there’s another hangout and I haven’t told her, because I just want to enjoy my night in peace. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t tell my roommate about a hangout I was invited to because I don’t want her to come. I’m actively keeping it from her even though I know she’d want to go and believes she’s part of that group. I worry I might be the asshole for excluding her and lying by omission, even if it’s to avoid an uncomfortable or stressful situation for me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s time to establish a pattern of socializing separately from Emma, such as going out and not telling her who you’ll be seeing.
If she asks you a question, you don’t have to answer it directly. “Who are you seeing?” “I’m going out and I’ll be back around midnight.” “But who are you seeing?” “Don’t worry about it. I trust them. See you later.”
Only give her the information you want to give.
NTA because even with established friend groups, not everyone is invited to every single thing that happens. However, I do think you need to have a sincere conversation, at a time which isn’t linked to a particular outing about how her behaviour at parties makes you feel. Maybe encourage her to find a variety of outlets to meet people, learn the language and get a bit of confidence.
NTA- If she hasn’t learned the skills to navigate social interactions by this age, nothing you do or say will teach her. Especially if she’s comfortable with using you as a crutch.
If you find going out with her exhausting after taking her out only twice, it really is going to get worse. Take a step back from her.
NTA – she’s a roommate, not your friend. If she was your friend first, you would owe her an explanation as to why you don’t want to socialize more with her.
While it would be a kindness to tell your roommate that you’re not comfortable socializing with her, she’s your roommate and you don’t owe her an explanation.
> The group speaks three languages, and Emma doesn’t speak any fluently, so I’ve always translated for her, which I honestly don’t mind.
It seems like you mind.
> She barely interacts with them directly, unless I’m guiding everything
How can she interact with people she can’t communicate with?
> But she struggles to hold a conversation (even in her own language) unless I’m hovering nearby.
…but how do you know what conversations she’s having when you’re not nearby? Because it sounds like she CAN hold a conversation, but you’re somehow attributing that to your proximity to her?
> She turns hangouts into this subtle “audition,” trying to seem like perfect girlfriend/wife material
She likes the friend group, is probably a little intimidated by them all, and is just trying to fit in… sounds pretty normal to me. It also sounds like she’s got a crush on Noah, and wants him to notice her. God forbid.
> It feels like a weird competition from her, one I’m not even in, bc these are my friends. I’m not trying to impress anyone.
What kind of competition?
I mean, you’re NTA if you keep your plans from her. You’re under no obligation to invite her.
But you are an AH for writing a big long post to smear a woman who has done nothing wrong but be a little shy amongst a group of people she doesn’t know well, but thinks they’re cool and nice, and wants to be accepted by them. You’re weirdly insistant that anything good about her is because of you, and that without you she’s worthless.
You accuse her of creating some sort of competition, but honestly it sounds like you’re the one in some sort of competition. You seem kind of threatened by her for some reason. No one goes this far out of their way to seek validation from strangers online that she’s superior in every way to her roommate unless something about her roommate was making them insecure.
NTA. You need to set boundaries and be honest ASAP. In trying to be “nice” you have gotten yourself into a bind with someone who is not even your friend (but that you cannot avoid seeing regularly). You need to visibly do things with YOUR friends without her, and normalize that. It is her mindset that is her problem, and it’s her problem to fix (and to find her own damn friends)
NTA. You don’t have to have her tied to your hip. Boundaries are important. She should learn to interact on her own. I have told good friends that this isn’t for them depending on who is going. She needs to do things e other people. .
NTA- being roommates does not automatically translate to being best friends. You are allowed to have a social life outside of her.
NTA
Living with someone doesn’t mean they automatically become your +1 for any plans you have. It was nice of you to invite her out when you didn’t have to but it’s not your responsibility to find & make her friends. Our lives are our own responsibilities!
Tbh if someone was talking about how women who go out won’t make good wives one day that’s the last person I’d want hanging out with my and my friends because I’m assuming you’re judging us.
As others have said create some boundaries. maybe share local events, clubs etc she could go to alone (or you with her) where the goal is her making friends separate from you. This is a great example of why I’m cautious about mixing social life with roommates who weren’t friends before I don’t want either of us dependent or feeling uncomfortable.
NTA for wanting to hang out without your roommate. You’re not obligated to include her in everything you do. However, I do think maybe your frustration is causing you to view her a little harshly. If she’s already awkward and finds socializing difficult, it probably wasn’t the best move to involve her in a group of friends who speak a different language to the point where she needs a translator. Even adequately socialized people would struggle with that kind of dynamic and I have no doubt it’s made it even more difficult for her. She seems to be grateful for the camaraderie and wants to fit in, which you can’t blame her for. You say you don’t mind translating, but it seems like you do. Which is fine, but it’s not fair to direct your resentment towards her when you initially agreed to play that role for her. You mention the group speaks multiple languages, not just one other one – were you expecting your roommate, who struggles with socializing anyway, to pick up multiple other languages anytime soon? I’m just not sure what you thought she’d be able to achieve without your help when she literally can’t communicate with your friends on her own. I feel like in agreeing to translate you feel obligated to help her navigate all parts of the socializing she does with your friends, and you’re resentful now that it wasn’t temporary. But I also think even if you agree to continue translating that you need to let her learn the other parts of socializing for herself. Let her be awkward and fail a little. Holding her hand forever won’t do her any favors and will only generate more resentment on your end. Would any of the friend group be open to helping her learn the language they speak? Maybe she can sign up for Duolingo or something similar and start to learn at least some common conversational words and terms and then use hang outs to practice? If she’s as motivated to be part of your friend group as she seems, she may be willing to learn this and take the pressure off you, maybe she just doesn’t know where to start. Spend some time away from her, don’t feel guilty … take a breath, take a beat, and then reevaluate once you’re not as fed up as you felt when you wrote this post. I feel like there’s probably options for deescalating this situation, you just need to approach it with patience.
NTA, but why not just stop babysitting her. Let her figure it out.