So myself and my wife had both fallen out with a family friend we’ll call them Jim. (For context, Jim was our child’s godfather, and was a very close friend of mine and out of nowhere he stopped calling round, answering messages or showing any interest, we asked if they were ok, and anything going on and just met with yeah, I’m fine.) she was substantially more upset than me, as I was more disappointed. So wifey sent jim a message explaining her hurt feelings and what not. Tldr the friendship broke up.
Cut to a few months down the line and I’m remaining amicable for the sake of the surrounding friend group as we all had a few mutal friends and still wanted to get together to hang out.
Insert 2nd friend we’ll call them Ron. (For context, myself, Jim and Ron have been close for approx. 13+ years). Ron has been upset and wifey since wifey messaged him stating her upset. But they have not informed me off this. Usually in the past Ron anytime asking how things were, it was always “how are you?” Followed by (how is the kid and wife. But this time I got a “how are you, and how is (kids name)”. And no mention of anything else, just changed the subject to something else and that was it. So I asked Ron if there was something wrong?
They then came back to explain that they didn’t like how wife had spoken to Jim, and found it disrespectful, then going on to state that she will never be anything more than “just your wife to me.”
So at this statement I informed them that if that is how they wish to view things, that is fine, but I kindly request they stop asking how my family is. The way I see it, if you can’t respect the person that is an extension of me and the mother of our child, then you don’t deserve to ask how they are doing if your going to purposely not include wife.
So all was agreed, time went on and flash forward to this month and our child’s Birthday is coming up, so we plan a little family event, with 2 of “child’s friends from nursery invited because he asked for them.
Day goes amazingly, everyone shows, we all have a blast, plenty of photos taken and post to socials for all our friends to see how much fun he had. Later in the evening of the little event I noticed friend B had left a group chat myself, them and friend A were in before all this happened, so a little concerned for them I messaged them asking the they were ok? To which I received a response roughly summerising:
“After I fell out with wife, you have kept me at arms length. What am I supposed to tell my kids when they ask how child is? I have to lie to my kids. No consideration for an invite to event. And so on, I think you all get a rough Idea. Well they had stated they the would be cutting me out of their life for ever.
I had told them I understand how hard it can be to go no contact especially when they give resistance (I recently went no contact with my blood relatives, and it didn’t go so well) so I wished him the best of luck and left it. Am I the asshole is this situation?
Edit: I added names, apologies for the alphabet crap.
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So myself and my wife had both fallen out with a family friend we’ll call them A. she was substantially more upset than me, as I was more disappointed. So wifey sent friend (A) a message explaining her hurt feelings and what not. Tldr the friendship broke up.
Cut to a few months down the line and I’m remaining amicable for the sake of the surrounding friend group as we all had a few mutal friends and still wanted to get together to hang out.
Insert 2nd friend we’ll call them B. (For context, myself, Friend A and Friend B have been close for approx. 13+ years). Friend B has been upset and wifey since wifey messaged friend A. But they have not informed me off this. Usually in the past Friend B andtime asking how things were, it was always “how are you?” Followed by (how is the kid and (wife’s name). But this time I got a “how are you, and how is (kids name)”. And no mention of anything else, just changed the subject to something else and that was it. So I asked friend B if there was something wrong?
They then came back to explain that they didn’t like how wife had spoken to friend A, and found it disrespectful, then going on to state that she will never be anything more than “just your wife to me.”
So at this statement I informed them that if that is how they wish to view things, that is fine, but I kindly request they stop asking how my family is. The way I see it, if you can’t respect the person that is an extension of me and the mother of our child, then you don’t deserve to ask how they are doing if your going to purposely not include wife.
So all was agreed, time went on and flash forward to this month and our child’s Birthday is coming up, so we plan a little family event, with 2 of “child’s friends from nursery invited because he asked for them.
Day goes amazingly, everyone shows, we all have a blast, plenty of photos taken and post to socials for all our friends to see how much fun he had. Later in the evening of the little event I noticed friend B had left a group chat myself, them and friend A were in before all this happened, so a little concerned for them I messaged them asking the they were ok? To which I received a response roughly summerising:
“After I fell out with wife, you have kept me at arms length. What am I supposed to tell my kids when they ask how child is? I have to lie to my kids. No consideration for an invite to event. And so on, I think you all get a rough Idea. Well they had stated they the would be cutting me out of their life for ever.
I had told them I understand how hard it can be to go no contact especially when they give resistance (I recently went no contact with my blood relatives, and it didn’t go so well) so I wished him the best of luck and left it. Am I the asshole is this situation?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t invite a person who would have caused additional stress for me and my wife at our son’s birthday, and now I’m being pinned the bad guy and told om toxic
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH, because it’s hard to say who is really wrong without knowing what caused the fallout in the first place. But this all seems very dramatic for a group of married adults with children.
NAH I guess? I mean, personally, I have friends who are not my wifes friends, but if you disrespect my wife we are no longer friends. But I’m having a hard time seeing that situation as actual disrespect to your wife… I mean, he just didn’t ask about her because he’s no longer interested in her, it’s not like he insulted her or anything, he just doesn’t want to associate with her anymore. I don’t know, the reasons for the situation are kind of weird and foggy to me, but nobody seems to have freaked out, or thrown fists, or even really had an argument… so yea.
NTA – B needs to find another way to feel. If they feel things are awkward for their own kids because of something they did it’s kinda on them.
NTA. At the end of the day, you’re not required to invite anyone to anything. If you don’t want to invite them, don’t.
As always, YTA for asking us to follow your nightmarish alphabet jumble of who’s who. It literally says in the sub’s posting guidelines not to do that because it just gives people a headache. And it’s not difficult to make up a couple of fake names.
If you edit the post and use actual names instead of alphabet nonsense, I suspect a lot more people would be happy to read it.
Info needed: what was the fall out about and was your wife rude in the text?
P.s. put some fake names in FFS
Always have your spouse’s back. NTA.
NTA. They had the choice to respect your wife (or not), you have the choice to stay close to them (or not). It’s sad, but sometimes this is how it goes.
So Jim is dealing with something and isn’t speaking to anyone while he deals. Your wife gets offended by his silence and sends a message that he doesn’t appreciate so he pulls back even more. His friend who he told about the situation takes his side and is unwilling to deal with your nosy wife.
ESH. Jim is your friend your wife was supposed to follow your lead when it comes to dealing with him. You gave him space and she badgered him and got herself into a tizzy because he didn’t want to share?
No judgement I’d need to know why Jim went quiet and what exactly your wife said to him… but it does sound like she perhaps was out of line.
My question is why was it your wife contacting your friends? And you not putting exactly what your wife said is a bit of a cop out. Your wife overstepped and your friends don’t like that. Instead of meeting where they’re at, you have nuclear reactions. Honestly ESH but you and your wife seem more entitled.
This really isn’t enough information.