I (23F) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for about a year. I live alone in a very nice apartment I inherited when my grandmother died and also work a part-time job to get myself through med school while he has a stable full-time job and still lives with his parents (although he often stays over at my place for multiple days).
Since the beginning of our relationship we had A LOT of arguments about comunication: he often avoids talking to me about some things that bother him, both regarding our relationship and other aspects of life. The problem is that he gets mad about something I did (even just the way I said something) and doesn’t comunicate that with me, he just acts mad until I lash out and we end up fighting.
In the last week or so I noticed he was acting weird (he was always off, I would have to cheer him up and didn’t know why, just seemed sad), I’m currently very stressed because it’s exams season and I wake up at 6am, study for about 7-8 hours a day and then go to work or to the gym (you can imaging that I am a wreck when I get home in th evening). Yesterday I confronted him about his behaviour and he told me that he’s mad about the fact that we have not had sex as often as we usually do in the last month. I was pretty upset because it’s not hard to understand why, I mean he KNOWS how hard my life is right now, I cry almost everyday and often talk about my struggles with him, so HE KNOWS. He kept saying that it’s not his fault that I chose to study medicine and that he has needs and he wanted reassurance that I still wanted him sexually. I of course reassured him and told him it was just stress and tiredness but he kept on playing the victim and telling me that this situation is taking a toll on him.
I feel like it’s selfish on his part to say this after it’s only been a month and we still have sex 1-2 times a week, it’s not like we don’t fuck anymore, he’s smart enough to understand that stress can lower your libido. Plus I’m kind of mad that he acted weird for a whole week instead of just talking to me.
We ended up fighting and I asked for a break from our relationship.
So am I the asshole?
Edit: probably I worded wrong, for us (he understands this) a break means a few days apart without talking to each other to think. We still are loyal to each other during this time. To us this is what a break means, but maybe not for everyone so I wanted to specify
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NTA. And dump him. A partner, that values his own needs that can wait without him dying, higher than you being totally stressed out is not someone you want in your future. A normal partner would be proud and supporting of you.
NTA. You’re drowning in med school and he’s pouting about getting laid twice a week? Priorities.
Nah, you’re not the asshole at all.
You’re working your butt off with med school, a job, and everything else on your plate. It makes total sense that stress is affecting your sex drive and the fact that you’re still having sex once or twice a week shows you’re trying.
What’s not okay is him getting weird for a whole week instead of just talking to you, then turning it around and making you feel guilty. Wanting reassurance is one thing, but ignoring how hard things are for you and saying stuff like “it’s not my fault you chose medicine” is just selfish.
Taking a break sounds like a healthy choice if he’s not able to meet you with a bit more empathy and maturity. You’re not wrong for needing space or expecting better communication. You deserve better than this and I’m sorry he is being emotionally very immature.
You’re under a lot of pressure and instead of being supportive he made it about himself. Asking for space to take care of your mental health doesn’t make you the bad guy.
NTA Sex needs to be when both partners are fully engaged. So no, NTA
But…. You started off by saying communication was a huge issue but then when he did communicate you literally broke up with him…
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Ditch him. He’s an idiot and its all “me me me
..sex sex sex….”
What an immature tosser.
Move on. Nothing there for you. Focus on your study. You’ll be 100% better off without that moron.
You’re both allowed to have your own thoughts & feelings. You can feel stressed out by exams & your bf can feel stressed by the lack of intimacy. Both things can be possible. It appears you both have a communication problem.
NTA – You can break up for any reason you choose.
NTA. It sounds like you are dating a spoiled, selfish manbaby. Do you really need this? What is he bringing to the party that offsets his childishness, his emotional outbursts, his whining? You do NOT need this when you are studying for something as important as med school.
Not to mention he still lives with his parents when he has a job. Let me guess, he still sleeps in the same room as when he was in middle school. That explains why he still acts like a kid.
He is too focused on himself and not at all on you. I think you know what to do…
NTA he’s not valuing your priorities
You seriously need to reconsider your whole relationship with this guy. Trust me this issue isn’t the only thing that’s gonna bother you- the entire man will 😅 I used to date assholes who get angry over nothing while I was stressed with uni and my whole life felt heavy. Now even when I’m struggling to find work and feel stressed from family, I’m dating a man who’s super supportive and finds the good in every situation, and my life is like a literal dream. You deserve someone who truly loves you in that way!
NTA. There is more to life than sex. And he’s blaming the lack of due to you studying medicine. Way too immature for you.
NTA. He is not being considerate or understanding at all. You don’t need the added stress of him sulking as well as exams. It sounds like you may be better off without him.
Well, no. You’re NTA. But … what do you expect the break to achieve? What does ANYONE expect to achieve with a break? Dou you just want him to have sex with someone else while you’re stressed? Because , that’s the most likely thing to happen. Then maybe tell him you want an open relationship.
Or do you not want to be pushed into having sex when you don’t feel like having sex? Then … break up. Because it looks like that’s his strategy.
Hasn’t he heard of self-pleasuring? What did he do when he was single?
The fuck is “a break from our relationship”? Either break up or don’t.
NTA. Dump him, don’t just take a break.
Change the break into break up.
NTA. He has a lot to learn about women. Sounds immature to me.
NTA. You don’t owe him sex and he has hands. His behavior is not okay, it’s immature and entitled. Pressuring you for sex or fighting with you like that about it is not okay and close to coercion
You got a manchild here. He needs to grow up. You might want to reconsider this so called relationship
You both need space and once calmed have the discussion that goes something like this:
When you do X, I feel like this –
If you keep doing X then I am going to do Y
very simple e.g – when you pressure me, I feel even more stressed. If you keep pressuring me, I don’t feel like I can continue this relationship.
Sets a subtle ultimatum and gives you and in or out decision. Get him to do the same.
If you can’t agree. You know what that means.
Good luck.
NTA
Why you’ve tolerated his shenanigans for as long as you have done is beyond me
He is a selfish twatwaffle, and you don’t need this pouting adult toddler in your life. I learned this from my first husband. When he is pouting and wanting you to beg him to telll you what’s wrong, it’s a way of controlling you. So do NOT give him what he wants.
Don’t beg, cajole, try to cheer him up, just pretend you don’t notice a thing. Talk to him like you normally would, about a movie you watched, or other things like that.
You: Should we cook dinner or get takeout?
Him (pouting) I don’t care.
You: Ok, take out it is! (if he won’t decide, YOU decide!)
You literally have to treat him like the child he is. You could at some point ask him if he thinks this kind of behavior is supposed to be a turn-on for you?
Do NOT acknowledge his behavior at all. It’s like a toddler throwing a tantrum, if you don’t give them what they want, they’ll eventually figure out that it’s not going to work and they outgrow it.
Of course I can tell you rather than going to all that trouble, it would be easier to just get rid of him now and save yourself a lot of heartache down the road.
He has all the rights to ask for more sex. You have all the rights to say no. He has all right to find somebody more fitting for him, so do you.
nta
but there are no breaks in relationships. you are either together or you are not and besides that you two sound mad incompatible, hes a manipulative asshole.
concentrate on your work, get your shit done and drop his ass for good. whats a break going to change about his insecurities and manipulative behaviour? right, nothing. your work schedule isnt the issue here, its him.
NTA – but honestly I’m not sure you need a break, it sounds like you need a break up.
Do you really want to spend your life trying to guess why he’s mad this time? It sounds exhausting, it shouldn’t be like pulling teeth to get your partner to communicate EVERY SINGLE TIME
Your partner is supposed to be someone who adds value to your life, who supports you in times of stress, and bigs you up about your life goals. Not whine because he wants to get laid more, while you’re practically drowning in exams. Look at your future and what you’re trying to build for yourself. Does this guy really align with that?
Not the asshole
YTA kinda. He seems like he has communication issues but probably has reasons to be upset with you.
No one on the planet likes being a lower priority.
School is your higher priority, and that is fine, to an extent, but if you can’t maintain a proper relationship you should not commit to one.
It’s been a year of multiple examples of his inability to communicate in a mature fashion.
The weird passive aggressive behaviour, followed by verbal attack when you confront him shows he’s not willing to change.
He keeps doing what he does because it gets the response he’s after, where you acquiesce and he gets his way basically.
He’s now trying the “not having sex like he wants” angle, when he should have said “I miss our intimacy – emotional and physical lately, what’re your thoughts?” which is a mature, empathetic and loving way of expressing what he feels instead of the tantrum he threw.
He seems like a slow learner who is more focused on his comfort levels and not doing the work that it takes to build a healthy relationship with you.
NTA
Esh. Everybody wants to play the woman protector SOOOO BAD. not me.
He voiced a concern of his with you and you bash him? You wanna act like he’s selfish when you’re clearly being selfish as well and comparing your situation to his wanting like he shouldn’t be worried about his issue because you’re stressed.
He sucks for not communicating, but in the end he told you what was up and you freaked on him. So I’m guessing he doesn’t communicate because of you.
You suck for invalidating his issue. Just because you’re “stressed” doesn’t mean you’re the only one who matters. He came to you with a valid point, and you made it seem like it was no big deal and kinda villainised him for wanting sex.
You’re not ready for a relationship. Break up and deal with school
Half of the time my ex gave me the silent treatment I had no idea why. You don’t want to be with someone who can’t communicate like an adult. The stress will eventually eat you alive.
This is the type of man who will leave his wife when she has cancer for not being able to cook/clean/ have sex while she’s on chemo.
It’s not going to get better. It’s going to be like this every time there’s a life event that interferes with his ideal sex life. I would break up with him so fast.
If his sole focus in a relationship is sex then he’s got no desire to pursue a proper relationship. End it
NTA. Throw the whole man out. I’m not in med school, but am a retiree going back to school online for fun. My husband asks what he can do to help, and takes care of 100% of the household chores. He’ll ask me a few days in advance if I want to watch a movie and puts zero pressure on me (currently doing double full-time classes, so I’m a bit busy). Your guy stomping around like a toddler for your entire relationship instead of using his big boy words? That ain’t it. My ex did that – would literally sigh heavily, start stomping around, then get progressively angrier when I refused to play his game and coddle him. That’s (part of) why he’s an ex. You shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells or guess what mood your partner is in. You sound like you’ve got a bright future ahead of you – don’t let him fuck it up.
NTA get rid of him. I had an ex who would make my stress all about him. It just happened to be every time I had exams or assignments that he was having his mental breakdowns.
Notice the pattern
If you’re still having sex 1-2 a week with all this stress on your plate, I’d say he should be thankful. Sometimes sex has to take a back seat in relationships. He should be supporting you by helping you de-stress, not picking fights etc.
It sounds like he doesn’t know how to communicate properly, and I’d be more concerned about that than whether he’s getting his dcik wet. You and him need a serious chat.
NTA.
I certainly hope you take the time in your break to realize that no one has time for this shit. Especially a med student. He’s being a child.
YTA a break from the relationship grow up. Either breakup or asks for a couple of days to yourself to focus yourself or whatever. You dont need to take a break from the relationship to focus.
I would have just broken up with you for asking for a “break”. Obviously not serious.
NTA. Don’t waste your time staying with someone who can’t communicate with you and don’t waste your time with someone who can’t understand things ebb and flow in relationships and that things aren’t always perfection every single week.
You have enough to do without parenting this man-child.
This is embarrassing. Just let him go. You deserve way better.
NTA – but a break is just a pre cursor to a break up.
Id also remind him he’ll likely get a lot less sex when hes single so to stop whining like a spoilt child.
NTA but a break won’t suddenly fix a manchild who won’t communicate with you and throws a tantrum over “not getting enough sex”.
Throw the whole man out. You deserve better than this.
You don’t need permission; if you want to go, tell, don’t ask. You are allowed to have free will and self determination.
You have a LOT of arguments about communication. You are now having arguments about sex. Just add money and you have the trifecta of why most relationships fail. You’re only been together a year. It shouldn’t be this hard. Break up, go your own ways, find people you are actually compatible with.
YTA
Give him a break UP and set him free. You sound toxic and manipulative.
A break will change nothing.
You’re not compatible and I even think he’s just not mature enough for a relationship. 1-2 times a week is a perfect normal amount after the honeymoon stage, specially when you’re on a high stress phase
NTA. He’s got some passive aggressive tendencies. You arnt a mind reader-and ever disappointment shouldn’t be met with punishment. I’d consider counseling because it does sound like you value the relationship
I went through a really stressful time recently and lost my libido entirely for a little bit. My boyfriend never complained, never pressured me. He just supported me and I think that helped my libido come back more than anything else he could’ve done. A partner helps ease your stressload not add to it.
Is he trying to initiate and you’re refusing?
On another note, NTA. Imagine having a long distance relationship with this man..cheating would be second nature to him.
Take a moment to process what he told you, because to us it reads like he’s saying that med school isn’t as important as his dick.
Think about that.
Think about that and then dump him, because there are roughly 3.5 billion penises on Earth, and significantly fewer doctors.
If he can’t see that the value of graduating med school outweighs the value of his being able to get his noodle wet, then you have a gigantic red flag on your hands.
This sounds exhausting. Why even continue to be in a relationship at all with this guy? If someone drains your energy, it’s not healthy. NTA obviously
Complaining about stress and its impact on your relationship before moving into a massively stressful field seems self defeating. If you don’t have the desire etc just now this will not magically reappear when you’re on your feet all day in a hospital and will probably get worse. A off set sex drive in a relationship causes issues regardless of career. If it’s this pronounced now you have to assume it will get worse.
What is the break going to achieve ? He leaves you alone for a bit ? He goes and has a one night stand etc ? Are you questioning having a bf at this point in your life ?
Honestly id say you both are being ah, his childish moods and your lashing out and expecting the world to mould around your sturdy schedule etc and him to just wait around for you and be ignored
The truth is you two might just not be compatible. It sounds like he struggles with communication, but also he might have been unwilling to talk to you about his concerns because he knew you wouldn’t be accepting of his desires.
And the fact you think it gets easier after med school is interesting. Residency is going to be a real struggle if you think med school is hard. Your relationship is going to go through a lot tougher patches if you stay together. But frankly I don’t see why you want to stay together with him if he was being a petulant child about not having sex for a few weeks.
Here’s kind of the important thing though: Your trying to use this break as a punishment for him rather than as a way to mend the relationship. If you wanted to actually use it to fix things, you wouldn’t be posting about how he has to still follow the rules of the relationship will you get to do what you would be doing anyways.
He’s a child. Don’t fuck that.
NTA, but it sounds like you two are not compatible.
If your sex drive isn’t as high as his and you argue a lot, why would you want to be in this relationship?
In a committed relationship you will have a lot of stressing periods, pregnancy, sickness, massive workload. You don’t need to excuse yourself with anyone for NOT wanting sex, he needs to grow up and understand that love is much more than sexual relief.
NTA, I feel like he’s an only child who wants all the attention on him and your focus on yourself and your career to let him feel neglected. This is his problem, not yours. Think about all the other times he screamed at you, is it a pattern?
What I read in your post is a guy who is gaslighting you because he’s not getting his way.
How long has it been since you slept together? A week? Two weeks? A month? Two months? Because if it’s the first two, fuck him and get out. If it’s last two I can understand his frustration. Though, how’s he going to react when you have a child?
He’s not supportive of your education, in the stress that comes along with it.
If you want to be with him tell him he needs to get therapy and maybe you do too. Cuz the fact that he doesn’t communicate with you is a huge red flag to me.
NTA
Good luck on being a doctor!
A friend of mine went through medical school. No one can understand the stress, being in survival mode, the closing in of the world through developing a narrow focus just to survive, except someone who has survived medical school. A phd program does not compare. My friend’s life essentially became a survival routine of awakening, reviewing notes, reading assignments that are physically impossible to read (time wise), to med school to study, attend lectures, eat while studying preparing for tests. Take the tests and repeat. No tv, no gym time except after tests for 2-3 hours. He didn’t have the mental bandwidth to go to a job. All of his relationships suffered, as everything was placed on hold. Most of that med school class was married. Over 1/2 of the married divorced. Almost all in non spousal relationships broke up. This may be different now, with online courses. You are to be commended in being able to work, and go to the gym while in medical schools. It seems that both of you need to work on yourselves. As previous posters have mentioned, the amount of stress that you will encounter will not drop back to an average person’s stress. Stress will continue, but be different. Your ability to handle stress will improve or you will decide being a physician is not worth it. From what you have said, it does not seem like you and your boyfriend are compatible at this point in your life. On future relationships, make sure you are sexually compatible. I wish you the best.
A big % of people here seem stuck on the “break” part. IDC. You probably did that because you love him and want for this to work. But it will never work.
The lack of empathy from someone that should love you and understand you is mind-boggling. If my partner was in the same situation you’re in, I would be doing everything in my power to help. I would not be thinking about sex. At all. Exam season is one of the most stressfull and difficult time a student has. I have 3 ulcers that prove it. I have cronic pain because of it.
Im not here to tell you what to do. But in my honest opinion, that’s not a man to live the rest of your life with, that isnt a partner that takes your needs into consideration at all. I would seriously break up.
You’re NTA.
Anyone got a “WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!” GIF?
Your relationship is not going to survive your residency. You’re going to have 24 hour shifts, and when you get home, instead of sleeping, you’re going to have this loser pouting and begging for sex.
Dump him now and don’t look back. NTA.
-> wants man to communicate feelings
-> man communicates feelings
-> gets upset and demands a break
Whiny little so-and-so.
What he should be doing is offering to do as much as he can around your apartment so you can have breathing space, cooking for you and giving you shoulder rubs.
Can you imagine what he’d be like if you had a baby? ‘Oh, you’re paying too much attention to the baby and I feel neglected. And we haven’t had sex in like, two weeks! Yes, I know the doctor said to wait six weeks, but I have NEEEEEEEEEDS.’
He really sounds awful. Are you sure he adds anything positive to your life?
NTA
NTA but girl he sucks.
From your description of your boyfriend he sounds like an emotional handful already.
Why do I hear Ross. “We were on a break”
NTA. He’s selfish and can’t seem to appreciate the fact that you are incredibly busy/stressed. Life is like that sometimes. Tbh I don’t think he is the man for you if he doesn’t ‘get’ that.
And maybe it’s because I’m super-old, but sex once or twice a week seems pretty good for a couple that doesn’t even live together.
I think you might want to consider making the break permanent. This will leave you to focus on your studies, instead of having to deal with all the extra pressure from him.
NTA
He is the AH for not communicating properly and not prioritizing your mental struggle over his sexual wishes. You should have let him choose between having less sex for a couple weeks or paying you a doctor’s salary for life.
lol imagine getting upset bc you’re down to 2 times a week. Most dudes in LTR would love to be in his shoes, he has no idea how good he has it.
NTA
NTA but also DTMFA
You needed support, your BF instead of support is adding to the stress. Is there something more happening?, like you said, he doesn’t communicate. Relationship works because of having great communication and understanding the needs of one another as well as creating a safe haven for you to relax after a stressful day.
Is your partner doing any of that?
Ask yourself, is he worth all the trouble?
Then you can make a decision
So you cry about your life daily and then you want him to talk to you about his problems? This is a lose lose for the guy in this one. As a middle aged man, we’ve been conditioned not to share our vulnerabilities with women because women have this ability to turn it against us. We also do not like to burden others with our problems, especially if you’re already stressed. If he brings up the issues, it will lead to a fight because you’re stressed he’s stressed and communication is bad. If he doesn’t, you get upset, you guys fight because communication is bad. I don’t think it’s the sex. There’s more to it but you guys need to learn to talk to eachother like adults.
So he doesn’t communicate with you when he has an issue which is a problem but when he does communicate the issue/feelings he has (whether or not they’re valid) you get pissed and take a “break.” I imagine this will do wonders in having him communicate more in the future.
I’m assuming you’ve never had feelings about things he was or wasn’t doing for you even though it made logical sense (he was busy/stressed) and when you conveyed them to him he turned it around on you and asked for a break.