This might seem small but it turned into a much bigger issue than I expected and now I’m second-guessing myself.
I’m 24 and have been with my boyfriend, 27, for just under a year. We usually have a good relationship. He’s funny and caring, and when he’s in a good mood, he’s the sweetest person. But lately he’s been distant and stressed, which I understand because of work.
The other night we were watching a movie at his place and he got up to go to the kitchen, leaving his phone on the coffee table. The screen lit up and I caught a glimpse of a notification from someone saved as “S.” with a little sparkle emoji. It disappeared quickly. He never uses emojis in contact names and doesn’t usually get messages that late.
I felt uneasy and after thinking about it for a bit, I picked up his phone to try to see the name again. I didn’t unlock anything or go through his messages, I just pulled down the notifications screen.
Right then he came back, snatched the phone out of my hand, and his face changed. He didn’t yell at first, but he was cold and tense. Then he started saying things like “How dare you go through my phone,” “I can’t believe you don’t trust me,” and “You’re acting like a jealous crazy girl.” He kept repeating that I ruined the night and that I was crossing a huge line.
When I tried to explain I wasn’t trying to spy, I was just worried, he snapped and said I was “manipulative” and told me to leave his place immediately.
I was shocked and hurt, but I keep telling myself he’s just upset and stressed. I want to believe he’s not hiding anything and that I’m the one who made a mistake. Now he’s barely talking to me and said he needs space.
I know I shouldn’t have touched his phone, but was I really the asshole here?
ETA
Thanks so much to everyone who replied and shared their thoughts I really appreciate it even if some of it is hard to hear
I tried to reach out to him today just to make sure he wasn’t too upset and to clear the air He replied but was really short and said he needed space which I get
He’s usually the one who texts first and checks in a lot but lately he’s been kind of distant and moody I know he’s been under a lot of stress from work but sometimes he gets way too intense over little things Like a few days ago he got mad because I asked if he wanted to eat and told me I was annoying Then he ignored me for hours before apologizing and saying he was just overwhelmed
I’m still trying to figure out what’s normal and what isn’t I want to believe he’s not all bad but sometimes I wonder if I’m just making excuses for him
Thanks again for all the advice and support
Edit 2
Thank you again to everyone who commented I’ve been reading through all of it even the ones that are hard to hear
Some people said I was in the wrong and I do understand that too I know I shouldn’t have touched his phone and I’m really not trying to play the victim I just didn’t expect it to blow up like this
He actually texted me just now and said “Hope you’ve calmed down and had time to reflect I’ll reach out when I feel ready”
It seemed kind of cold but I guess he just needs space. I do think he’s abit excessive with his reactions sometimes I just don’t like upsetting anyone but he seems to be acting worse lately and I don’t like that. I think I need to have a talk with him about the way he’s treating me
Comments
Nta. His overreaction tells you everything you need to know.
Block him and move on.
He either had porn on his phone or is messaging other girls. If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn’t care. Saying you don’t trust him is just gaslighting you.
That feels like a weird overreaction to you just holding his phone. I think you have a reason to worry about S ✨. NTA
He overreacted. Honestly, someone that touchy about you holding their phone has something to hide.
You can ask, who is S (sparkle) and he will most likely overreact to that. He’s gaslighting you to deflect attention from the fact that he’s chatting with someone and it’s probably not innocent based on how he’s reacting.
NTA. Someone who isn’t hiding anything has no reason to react that way. While going through someones phone isn’t great, you didn’t really go much past what was freely available. If he had nothing to hide, his NOTIFICATIONS shouldn’t be such a big deal.
Red flags all over the place. The sooner you leave him the better.
This is tricky, because you haven’t found anything. If there had been anything concrete, it would have been a guarantee, but this reaction does seem very out of pocket. Almost like a guilty reflection, though like I said you haven’t found anything, so there’s no way to know if he’s guilty or not.
I personally don’t think you’re the AH, it’s normal to worry, it’s normal to feel some concerns. But this reaction is crazy for somebody who would have nothing to hide. I don’t believe in phone checking at all, (while you are not toxic at all) it by itself is just a toxic behaviour, and can lead to very negative impressions (hence his reaction).
But the level in which he blew up was quite unnecessary, an eyebrow raiser for sure.
If he’s not hiding anything why not just show you who S ✨ is? He wants space? I say you give it to him. Don’t text or call or see him until he apologizes for his behavior. Dump him if he refuses
I have trouble thinking of a reason why someone would react that way to their one-year relationship partner touching their phone if they have nothing to hide.
NTA. This was how my ex was with me and it always made me uneasy. Turns out he was cheating our entire 4 year relationship. My fiancee now gives me unlimited access to his phone (not that I feel the need to go through it). Hes 100% hiding something OP. Trust your gut
I will just say this out of personal experience, but if you feel like something is off and instead of being rational, they act like this, they are more than likely doing something behind your back that they don’t want you to know about. Sorry. I could be wrong, but every time it happened to me I told myself that something else was probably going on, and every time it turned out that I was actually right to question them
Bro is gaslighting you.
Girl he ain’t being faithful. Sounds like a cheater! If that were his mom that messaged him I bet he wouldn’t have had that reaction. NTA
My wife and I have each others pass codes but neither check each others phones. In your situation I would check as well. If my wife was concerned enough to look at my phone I would be upset she didn’t trust me but would gladly let her look at anything she wanted to prove i wasn’t hiding anything. Then we would talk about the situation.
BIGGEST 🚩🚩🚩🚩. Absolutely NTA, get away this walking red flag of a man.
I would have gone NC the moment he threatened to take YOUR phone. This is never going to change. You obviously can’t trust him. Agree you should block him and move on.
He is gaslighting you.
You are asking a question and he is avoiding it, and turning it back on you to make out you are the problem.
People don’t react like that unless they have something to hide. The way he blew up after seeing you holding his phone, he is up to something and is trying to control you by making out you are crazy (men do this a lot – we’re crazy when we figure out they’ve been lying to us 🙄)
And threatening to take away your phone? Girl this isn’t boyfriend material, this is a little boy who got caught out. Throw the whole child away and find yourself a MAN.
Good luck. X
I would say you were trying to spy just a little bit, and sometimes a little low level spying turns out to be retroactively justified.
Here’s the real question: do you want to stay in a relationship with someone whose reactions are this volatile? In a sense I can understand your boyfriend being annoyed that you were doing the aforementioned “just a little bit” of spying. But for him to immediately jump to serious anger and accusations is very concerning, whether he technically has anything to hide or not.
Dump him he’s hiding something that will most likely break your heart. Best to leave w your self dignity in tact and never look back. When you never look back it always crushes a dude into realizing the damage they caused. I’ve had losers like this in my life in the past and they ALWAYS come back begging for forgiveness. Don’t cave in, focus on you. If he can threaten to take your phone away like a parent he’s grooming you babe.
projection lol hes cheating
Nta, he’s hiding something. that is an over the top reaction in any situation,frankly,but he’s definitely cheating or trying to. Don’t let anyone treat you like this. Yelling and kicking you out is abusive af. I’d breakup over his reaction, no one treats me like that, no sir. 🚩🚩🚩
ESH. You for trying to snoop on your BF’s phone. Don’t try to dress it up as something it wasn’t, you were snooping. It sounds like he is trying to get you to break up with him, in which case he sucks for being a coward.
NTA. Give him all the space he wants. Break up with him
YTA. Your trust issues are on you. He may be upstanding, he may be a jerk, but you going through his phone is wrong regardless. You want to know what a phone notification is? Ask. Simple.
There is a reason he snapped about his phone. Break up this is a giant red flag.
Dude is messaging or sexting someone else… he guy it busted and is deflecting! NTA… disentangle your phone and move on!!!
100% cheating when they go from nice, loving, caring and checking up on you to cold, and uncaring they don’t like you anymore, plus if he had nothing to hide he wouldn’t have blown up with you just having his phone in your hand
ESH, but not for looking at his phone. This dude is a giant dick and you’re laughing about it in the comments. No wonder he feels enabled to treat you like shit
NTA. I sympathize with both of you. You were concerned and he felt violated.
I’m sorry OP, I know this feeling too well. I would probably do the exact thing just so I could at least see the name properly. But I also understand his initial reaction. Sometimes some people really do need some space to cool off. It feels horrible and never ending but give him time to relax. If I were you I’d write out my questions and feelings and motives behind why I did what I did and how I would never again and read it to him.
If he genuinely loves you, he will want to work it out and work on issues that are affecting you two, like this one.
If he’s a dickhead cheater, he will refuse any progress with you.
Mishaps in relationships always happens, we are all human. It’s gut wrenching when you think you come across something that doesn’t align with your relationship. Action to me is everything coming after this. If he continues down this path I think you have your answer. If he won’t say it, his actions will.
For those like “if he had nothing to hide”
That’s a loaded concept there – I would be upset if someone was going to attempt to snoop on my phone even if I had nothing to hide. It shows me they don’t trust me AND that they’d go through my personal things. Those aren’t good attributes.
Her masking it as “I was worried” is disingenuous at best. She should be upfront and honest about why she picked that phone up and what she was attempting to see.
His reaction was indeed over the top and outlandish. That’s a concern given how mercurial he seems to be. The line in the OP how he’s sweet when he’s “in a good mood” is also a concern.
A conversation needs to happen asap and everyone involved needs to be real and honest with one another.
NTA, i think ur bf is hiding smth and i hope its not another girl, it’s genuinely such an overreaction for something you had no ill intentions for, the ignoring you for hours before apologising and saying its bc he’s overwhelmed? fuck no 💔
me and my bf use each other’s phone all the time and any girl that texts him he will let me know immediately of her identity and how they know each other, my bf also works two jobs and he has never taken his temper out on me and i think that should be the bare minimum in every relationship 🙂
I’m sorry but he’s far too old to be taking out his stresses on you.
We all deal with crap from work and treat others with respect still.
Personally I don’t trust him with how he reacted to you looking at his phone.
NTA
NTA but you know damn well why he’s hiding his phone like that
He’s doing something he feels the need to hide from you.
Now he’s asking for space. Give it to him, in abundance. Aka, move on!
If things don’t work out with S✨️, maybe he’ll come back to you. Be too busy when he does.
Yeah dudes cheating
If my partner did that I’d ask if they were feeling insecure about anything and if looking through my phone would help… Otherwise a good open conversation about why she is looking at my phone.
Relationships done with that snap back
When someone (finally) shows you who they are, believe them.
NTA
Wow that was a seriously over the top reaction on his part. He IS hiding something. I’d bet money on it. Also the fact that he changed to distant and moody recently tells me he’s probably mentally (and physically) moving on too. His reaction and behavior are NOT normal. Not by a long stretch. Yes, you’re making excuses for him.
Yes, you’re just making excuses for him.
I have no idea why you think so little of yourself that you’ll put up with this behaviour, but be kind to yourself and walk away. Maybe get some therapy to work out why you stayed with him. It doesn’t sound as though he even likes you. Would he treat a friend the way he treats you?
Life’s too short to deal with this bozo.
His response is over the top and mean. He needs to be able to communicate like the grown adult he is. You don’t have to be strung along and anxious at the whims of his moods. Even his text is putting all the blame on you/ making you seem like the crazy one and allowing himself to be the only “victim” who will be communicative only when he feels like it.
If you constantly feel anxious over how he might react or feel like everything is your fault. And feel like you can’t trust him. It is not a healthy relationship. And you don’t have to live like this. No you shouldn’t have looked at his phone but his reacting is absurdly over the top.
Hes gaslighting you and is probably cheating. I would leave
>Right then he came back, snatched the phone out of my hand, and his face changed. He didn’t yell at first, but he was cold and tense. Then he started saying things like “How dare you go through my phone,” “I can’t believe you don’t trust me,” and “You’re acting like a jealous crazy girl.” He kept repeating that I ruined the night and that I was crossing a huge line.
The wicked man flees when no man pursues. Methinks he doth protest too much.
Do not doubt or gaslight yourself if something seems like a overreaction it is if someone seems angry at you for something they shouldn’t be angry at you about it. It’s very obvious that they are hiding something. Do not let this slide for your own good and for your own safety cheating is a lot worse than than just the emotional damage done, if he is lying to you and hiding things you could end up with a permanent disease
Girl he’s cheating on you, if he continues to tell you you’re being paranoid tell him you know how to get rid of it and just ✨ break up with him ✨
He’s cheating.
Weird overreaction. Did he show you the contact?
Was a simple solution to delete all the doubt in your mind. Every honest partner would have showed you
He’s hiding something and panicked & over reacted because you were about to see something he didn’t want you to see.
People who freak out like this are usually the ones actually doing things behind their partners back.
Sincerely,
A person who fucked up a couple times in life
Someone reacting like that and continually being distant and cold has usually lost feelings/is mentally done with the relationship in my experience. I’d be thinking about moving on if I was you OP.
This entire situation reads manipulation, gas lighting and emotional abuse on his part. Seriously not worth your time and effort you may have crossed a boundary for him but he’s being beyond controlling and it’s not healthy. NTA
He wants space so give it to him. All of it. His reaction was way out of line for an innocent person. Just walk away and find someone who deserves you.
He’s cheating on you. The end.
He seems guilty as fuck. NTA
Your edits are making it clear this is rage bait… YTA for this post, he’s a big asshole and you’re blowing everyone off who are bringing up literally concerns.
After update number two-
I say this with love. He is a gaslighting you. So he doesn’t have to apologize for his gross overreaction when he clearly is defensive over this.
My now boyfriend never cares when I pick up his phone. He wouldn’t like if I went through it- invasion of privacy. However we both have each other’s passwords and will use them from time to time for maps,pics, etc. He doesn’t react that way. Why? Nothing to hide.
When my husband and I were dating, he handed me his phone after like 3 months together so he could go muck stalls at work because one of the horses liked to play tricks and he didn’t put it past him to bite him in the ass trying to get his phone. It buzzed and someone named “Autumn” texted
So I walked up and asked who this person was, expecting her to be a coworker since he worked with a lot of women. He just laughed, said it was his step sister and asked me to unlock his phone and check what she wanted. To this day, we regularly swap phones if one of ours is dead or we can’t find it and need to call to hear the ringer. Hell, I’ll answer his messages while he’s driving and because I word things better, he asks me to draft mychart messages all the time
So the fact that your dude is acting so shady over this and you’ve already been together a year? Cut him loose. Even if there’s nothing wrong, he’s refusing to communicate and just telling you to drop it. He also threatened to take away your phone which isn’t healthy
Anyway NTA and updateme!
Edit: typo
Imagine if you were actually trying to go through his phone. My wife and I have absolutely no qualms with each other going through each other’s phones, but at the same time she can unlock mine at any time and vice versa. We never worry about it, and it seems you might want to reevaluate your relationship, which many have said. I couldn’t go through life with someone who reacted that way about touching a phone, personally
He doesn’t like you and is probably cheating. Dump him and save yourself the bullshit.
Theres def sth to hide.
If I wanted to clear it I would go trought the phone with OP to check whatwas that stuff.
Nta that is fishy as hell, it’s an extreme over reaction what he did and imo what he did sounds super manipulative.
When my bf got weird about my phone I just tossed it to him and gave him the password THEN demanded an apology after he saw he was paranoid for no reason. Like a joke.
I’m not much for sharing devices, but that specific reaction (all that deflection and anger) is pretty suspicious. NTA
He does not need to see that he’s being abusive. He is. Almost text book abusive. He’s trying to control you and gaslight you. Girl run! And fast. There are places and people who can help you. Many of them will help you get a phone so you can have it without him having control. Get your papers together to figure out what in your joint account is yours and have it put back in your personal account. You can look up resources online to help you budget. YOU DO NOT NEED HIM AND YOU NEED TO BE SAFE. Right now it’s just him shutting off your phone for a day, soon he will control everything in your life. Who you see, who you talk to. Don’t become another woman who disappears because the guy in her life is controlling.
He could be cheating and trying to make it seem like it’s your fault for some weird reason
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I would get out now before you waste any more time in this relationship.
Youre his girlfriend. If he had nothing to hide he would have no issue with you holding his phone, or even going through it. I grab my boyfriends phone all of the time and he doesnt even flinch. Break up with him before you waste any more of your time. Also, no man should be treating you that way, even if he was stressed. Ridiculous
Dude dump him. Not worth it and shady as heck
You invaded his space yta
NTA.
I don’t think it’s ever /good to snoop to any degree. But it’s also not good to ever put your partner in a position where they feel like they have to or like they can’t just ask. I think it goes beyond the action of snooping whenever that happens and shows some more fundamental issue. I was trying to think how my boyfriend would react if I did something like that – he wouldn’t care at all if I pick up his phone. Half the time I have my head on my shoulder watching him text or watching reels or something, I hand him his phone all the time, there’s zero concern there. But more than that, if I saw someone named ‘S✨’ light up, I would feel comfortable saying, “who is that?” and he would tell me without hesitation. He was getting random snapchat notifs a bit ago and I was just casually like, “who is snap chatting, you’re 30 lol” and he with zero irritation or hesitation held it up and showed me it was just the barrage of “xyz posted on their story” nonsense notifications.
That’s all to say…nah, it’s not ideal to snoop if he’s not comfortable with you looking at his phone, but the fact that you felt like communication isn’t open and he may have anything to hide – that is the actual issue here. You didn’t do anything super dramatic like use his fingerprint while he’s sleeping. You didn’t the most harmless thing. But it does speak to serious concerns in the communication
Then the bigger issue – his reaction is crazy disproportionate. EVEN if there was no reason for you to do that and say he suuuuper cared about phone privacy ( odd but ok), the chill, normal, loving thing to do is say – “hey i understand you were unnerved by this. i feel very uncomfortable with you touching my phone without permission. I’m always happy to address anything that makes you anxious in my phone, but please ask me instead.” and then telling you who tf S is
So yeah, his behavior is a huge red flag. I can’t say if it’s suspicious – only you know if it’s a deviation from how he normally responds when he’s bothered by something or a normal level of cagey for him. But it’s certainly not reassuring.
Even if it was absolutely nothing at all – do you want to be with someone who makes you feel like you have to do anything even slightly sneaky? Do you want to be with someone you don’t feel 100% comfortable with sharing your vague doubts? Someone you aren’t 100% confident wouldn’t cheat so you aren’t worried when you ask about odd things popping up, just curious? Someone who doesn’t react with empathy to your nerves but hostility?
Please run, this man is immature, exhausting, and just rude
Wow. Your second edit solidified it for me. Now he’s gaslighting you saying he hopes YOU calmed down??? Ditch the loser, he’s toxic.
If he’s innocent he wouldn’t have reacted in this way. People with nothing to hide don’t react like that. I would absolutely leave somebody over this lol
Yea he is cheating.
NTA. This is not the reaction of someone who isn’t being deceptive. He IS communicating with women/men to have sex with them. Dump him, get tested, move on.
NTA, bro is DEFINITELY hiding something. That’s a super weird reaction.
Even if he’s not hiding anything, that reaction isn’t warranted
Girl – you know you did wrong but we have gut checks for a reason. I’m ashamed to say I’ve definitely searched phones but every time i took that path I found the cheating immediately. My partner and I have open phones with shared passwords and I never EVER have to check now, but when people be doing shady shit and acting shady….
Your boyfriend is being suspicious, you have a right to be suspicious and his reaction is over the top based on current context.
NTA
YTA – and once again, why always the double standards? If genders were reversed, OP would be ripped apart and branded an insecure, jealous looser and controlling sub human who does not deserve to be in the presence of a female. What you did was a huge breach of trust and it’s not even about “holding the phone” as all the other posters frame it, it’s about the snooping. How is it that a man has to be 100% okay with the snooping and accept it or he has “something to hide”? That’s just complete nonsense. His reaction is appropriate and justified.
Ugh, the games. Boy acts great, you fall in love, now he’s “cold and distant” while you try everything to make him happy. Who cares who ‘S’ is, someone who genuinely cares about you won’t pull away from you and cause you to question everything. Someone who genuinely cares for you won’t dump his work stress on you. You deserve better, honey. This is a classic power struggle, and that ain’t love. He may honestly believe it is, but it is NOT your job to fix him. It won’t work. I’m sorry if I sound snappy, it’s just I’ve been there, done that, and am much MUCH happier on the other side of it all. Love shouldn’t make you miserable!!!
NTA. You didn’t overreact here, he did. The only time I’ve had partners react that way to me touching their phone is when there’s something I could find. As others are saying, he is reacting in a huge way pretending to feel so betrayed to distract from the truth….that HE is the one doing something wrong.
5-6 years ago (when I was your age actually) I was engaged. One day I had to get into his email because I was doing something with his taxes for him and saw some emails from Facebook about messaging some girl AND emails from tinder. His reaction was SO over the top, demanding to know why I had the right to violate his privacy, his emails should be his private emails (never mind I was FILING HIS TAXES FOR HIM BECAUSE HE ASKED ME TO), he had no idea if he can rebuild the trust I broke???? I had to stay at my parents for a few days lol he had me so convinced I had done something wrong. At one point he even convinced me that the new birth control I was on was messing with my hormones and my mind.
Reality? He WAS cheating on me. He moved that girl into the house within a week of me moving out. Proposed to her within 6 months. What he was doing is the same thing your boyfriend is, it’s called gaslighting and sometimes you don’t even realize it’s happening until you’re further out from the situation and can open your eyes.
If you leave him, I can almost promise you that you will find out who S✨is because they will end up together lol.
I’m sorry but you should move on. He is gaslighting you bad and it’s probably for the better if he doesn’t text you again.
ESH. Snooping (or attempting) is wrong as you’ve been told. He also overreacted. He should explained who the contact is and then you have a conversation about what you did wrong. Annoying that you’re doubling down after saying you don’t want to play victim. I can’t imagine harping at my girlfriend all night, though.
Ask yourself if you are ready for a lifetime of this behavior. I can speak from experience. It only gets worse.
I am the one who will tell you that your bf’s phone is not your business.
BUT: he made it your business by his extreme over-reaction. He threatens to take away your phone? What kind of controlling BS is that?
Tell him that his phone and his entire body is now safe from you touching them ever again. And that he doesn’t need to bother “reaching out” soon, or ever again. There is nobody in this world who deserves the deference and high regard he is expecting.
NTA but you’re bring obtuse, everything you say in the comments about him is textbook abuse. I suggest you manage your own money and try to make an exit plan.
He’s cheating on you or at least he’s got someone in mind that he wants to cheat on you with. That is not an invasion of privacy, you guys have been together long enough where it is completely fine to pick up someone’s phone. He has one foot out the door already from what it sounds like. You didn’t do anything wrong, but he probably will blame you anyway. He sounds immature and somebody you should definitely move on from.
OP his reaction to you holding his phone was EXCESSIVE, he is guilty AF. Also if this is how he randomly gets over “little things” I’m scared for your safety when big things happen.
Always remember never trust their words if their actions don’t match. Always and I really do mean always take a man’s actions for facts over what he says. Lying comes naturally but that reaction was very telling.
Um…no
That’s too intense of a reaction. If my partner wants to see something in my phone, I would hand it over without issue. She’s never asked and I’ve never asked her, but I know she’d do the same. That should be normal in my opinion … sure it’s “your phone” but what exactly is so stressful and hidden in there that he’d react like that? Privacy is important for sure, but that response seems very much beyond him just wanting respect for general privacy.
This is not a healthy relationship. This is absolutely not how people are supposed to act stressed or not.
After reading some of your comments, take all of your money out of the joint account, block him and move on. This is not a good relationship
Most like he’s guilty of something. Gaslighting at its best.
One Love has good information on what a healthy relationship looks like and what an unhealthy relationship looks like.
NTA. The fact he immediately started gaslighting you and had the gall to say YOU overreacted says a lot about his character. You didn’t do anything wrong. and that “I hope you’ve calmed down and I’ll contact you whenever”? RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS!!!
NTA, I am very sure you have something to
worry about with this S person. The way he talks to you is manipulative. “Hope you’ve calmed down” you’re not the one who freaked out when your phone was touched.
NTA WTF HE IS SUS AF. DONT TRUST ANY OF IT
I was in a similar situation but with a completely different outcome and I hope you read this so you know how your boyfriend should treat you. Me and my boyfriend were spending time together just watching tv after dinner. He went to the bathroom and his phone was on the couch next to me, I sent him a reel on IG and saw my notifications pop up on his phone but underneath my notifications there was another one and it was from a girl, taking him for something with 🥰 emoji. The first thought was that he maybe complimented her or something but I decided to just ask about it without making assumptions or going through his phone. He immediately saw a change in my mood and asked me what’s wrong, I told him what I saw and how I saw it and he immediately took his phone, told me his old friend announced on ig post that she’s pregnant and he decided to congratulate her, then he showed me everything on his phone. He immediately reassured me and showed me without me even asking and that’s how your boyfriend should have reacted in this situation. It’s one thing being upset cuz your partner went through your phone but it’s another thing reacting in such a way and making you seem like you’re the problem. You don’t deserve that and I hope you find a good solution to this or find a man who will treat you right
[deleted]
I don’t care for people to touch my cell and I don’t touch anyone’s.
With that being said, I believe it could be there’s a reason for him overreacting:
He does have something to hide.
He’s been in a relationship where someone used to go into his cell.
However, in my opinion, I do feel it’s “overkill” the way he’s acting.
Please keep in mind that you’re an “adult” and he’s treating you like a child and trying to shame you.
I may have missed it, have you apologized? Because trying to look to see who sent a message really isn’t cool.
Do you trust him? What are you worried abt in reference to the reason you tried to see who had messaged him?
For me and ONLY me, I do feel it’s interesting the way he overreacted, trying to shame you, and that there wasn’t a name on the contact- however, that’s ONLY me.
I also note that it seems that you’re afraid the relationship may end- from my experience, that’s not a good place to come in because no one is worth this emotional distress.
Girl, dump this cheating man.
I understand, that he isn’t amused about you going through his phone without asking, but if I would generally love someone, I wouldn’t explode like this.
You should trust your guts. You know your partner and if this is out of character, then there is a reason for that.
NTA
Tell him not to bother to reach out again. He is manipulating you and playing the victim when HE did something wrong. Untangle yourself from him asap, please. This is controlling and unhealthy.
When my now fiance and I started dating, shortly after I added her face to my Face ID on my phone. There is nothing at all I need to hide from her. Besides the occasional surprise for a birthday or something. And when that happens I tell her, don’t look through my shit or your birthday surprise will be ruined and she respects that. I also have access to her phone and neither of us have ever gone snooping(to my knowledge) but even if she has, there’s not a god damn thing she will find on my phone. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. Plain and simple
NTA.
But there isn’t a whole lot of info other than the notification showed up as ‘S’ with a sparkle emoj, and that he’s stressed from work.
I would say you don’t have much to worry about with the info provided, but keep your guard up. Being super protective over a phone isn’t the worst thing, it’s when they start accusing you of not being trusting that can be a red flag of them trying to deflect the idea of cheating on you.
It’s difficult to be completely objective here, because by nature we only get your version of events. I’m not saying you’re being deceptive or anything, but we don’t get his persective. Your actions, may have been, by him, perceived in a way which would go some way to explain his reaction. And his reaction might also seem, to him to be more measured.
However, based on the presented version of events, I’d say it seems he’s over-reacting. Your actions are perhaps a tiny bit fishy, but nothing to warrant this kind of treatment.
I’m going to say NTA
NTA. My guess is he’s having an affair with S, if he were innocent he’d show you the text.
“I wasn’t trying to spy” but you were lol. You looked in his phone to try and find things out, you invaded his privacy and I don’t blame him for being angry about it. You absolutely never pick up someone’s phone and look at their notifications without permission, that’s crossing a boundary
I was with a guy for 18 yrs since teens. He had conditioned me to never ask questions. Always scheming. So I would leave him be. No questions about spending. We even opened a businesses and after I put in all my money and time for what he wants to do, he still didnt share anything with me. I got him a phone for over 15 yrs on my plan. Suffered paying is extensive habit using it..added extra gb everything for more solutions. To the point even though I was a businesswoman and lived 40kms away, while he lived a min from the business (because I made it like that for his sake), I had no data. Only simple call because there was no room in budget for both of us. He could care less. Everytime I would ask to use his map while driving him around. He wouldn’t let me touch his phone. I couldn’t even ask ever to use his phone. It gets worse, to the point is couldn’t go to his house for 8 yrs of our life. I was too busy making moves so I didnt really pay attention. Stay away and leave.. it gets worse and worse.
NTA this is abuse. I’m NAD, but I work in behavioral health. It appears there’s a possibility of love bombing in the beginning and now he’s bread crumbing you to see what you will take. His reaction to the phone incident is a reaction of someone who has something to hide. Then the updated response is gaslighting. If I was in this situation then I would find a therapist or counselor if that’s financially possible or start up run. His excuse of being stressed at work doesn’t give him the right to be a jerk.
Please don’t let him continue to treat you this way. You said in the past he’s exploded and after hours of ignoring you he apologizes… he clearly doesn’t mean it because he continues to do it, and he’ll continue to do it because you keep taking him back no problem.
🚨URGENT🚨
Reclaim your financial independence immediately, without tipping him off until after you’ve done it. He is financially abusing you and you don’t seem to realize it. He is threatening to take your phone and that’s a huge red flag.🚩
The first thing you need to do is get your own separate bank account at a different bank from his. Then, immediately change your direct deposit info and start depositing your salary into your own account. Once you’ve done those things, get your own phone plan and preferably a new phone number.
His behavior is concerning, to say the least. You need to make an exit plan because this relationship is unhealthy, and his abuse is liable to escalate. I’m not exaggerating. Please don’t wait.
He isn’t worth it.
Um girl no nta
This is textbook projection on his part. People doing the bad thing abuse others of bad things ESPECIALLY when they think they’re bout to be found out. He knows you came that close to finding out about his bullshit, so he calls you jealous crazy manipulative etc. Because you looked at his phone AND THERE WAS SOMETHING TO SEE girl. My partner is never sketchy about his phone. I pick it up all the time. I see it all the time. I can open it any time and there’s nothing there except his friends family coworkers, me. Nothing I wouldn’t expect to see. He picks mine up and sees it and that’s fine too. Why? Because we aren’t doing inappropriate shit. Mutual trust exists between us.
Girl there is something that phone he wants to hide so bad that he insults you to make you doubt yourself I stead of him. You don’t even need to see it because his behavior to you, his treatment of you is not okay and should not be tolerated. Period.
Hope you calmed down and had time to reflect? Who does he think he is? He doesn’t get to flip out on you and call you name then ask YOU if you have had time to reflect. No ma’am.
I see you making excuses for his crap ass behavior. Stress at work, is not an excuse for that behavior. Being distant maybe but not outright abusive, which he is. No excuse or good reason for that.
there would be no talking for me. Wtf. This guy is bad news. You deserve way better and having a talk with this kind of person won’t accomplish much except clue them in to the fact that they could lose (control of) you. Sometimes people change behavior a little bit at this point and they start hiding their secrets better. Not because they’re gonna be better, but to maintain the situation.
Usually nice, funny, etc doesn’t equate to a good man. Not a “good man” like good boyfriend. Good man as in a good person who is a man. You deserve a good man. Not a funny usually nice one who mistreats you.
I don’t know more of your situation. If you are financially dependent on him or depend on him for shelter, figure out how to get away safely.
If you aren’t, figure out how to get away safely. It’s only been a year. He will get worse.
Don’t let him knock you up. If he does hide it and figure how to get away safely. I highly discourage having a kid with this guy. It’ll be so bad.
Please see your worth and don’t let this guy keep treating you like this. No boyfriend is so much better than a shitty one. Not everybody is like him. It doesn’t even matter if he’s cheating the point is his established treatment of you. Run girl run so far. If your culture normalizes this shit run from that too. If people tell you you’re overreacting run from them. You get to choose who is around you. Not always easy but it’s a fact.
IMO If he wasn’t hiding something he wouldn’t have had such a big reaction. NTA but also I’d be either leaving or looking for my first opportunity to go through the phone.
NTA. Honestly the minute I read “when he’s in a good mood, he’s the sweetest person,” red flags immediately went up in my head. Your latest edit concerns me as it almost sounds like you’re blaming yourself and not making sure your needs are met. Your concern was valid and it’s not wrong to look at your partner’s phone. It would’ve been wrong for you to do an extensive search, but to see something odd and check? Sounds like he’s hiding something and he also sounds like a dick for making you second guess yourself.
And when he said, “Hope you’ve calmed down and had time to reflect I’ll reach out when I’m ready,” that’s also a major red flag. It’s almost like he’s talking to a child. It’s manipulative and he’s trying to make you seem like the bad guy. Honestly, cheating or not, I’d wanna break up just based on the way he speaks to you and belittles your (very valid) concerns.
Not necessarily the A but get out while you can. This is not a sign of good things to come. There are worse things that can and will happen in even the healthiest of relationships and if he’s like this over nothing, he’ll be worse over something more significant. You understand a line was crossed, but it wasn’t a line that demanded this kind of behavior.
Please make sure you are able to separate your finances and have an exit route. It doesn’t make if you’re in a relationship or not, married or not, happy or not, have your own emergency funds and exit route in a separate account
Not sure why you picked the phone up. “I was worried” does not cut it. Phones for most people are more sensitive than their wallet. YTA.
ESH. You were spying. You did invade his privacy. The sooner you accept that, the better. The fact that you not only did but then denied it, i would be annoyed too. Just own up to it.
His reaction seems a little excessive.
NTA he was upset because he has something to hide. Honestly reply back “don’t bother”
Sounds like he’s trying to turn this around on you so he can’t break up with you guilt free and look innocent
Ma’am, go get a full STD panel done and kick this trash to the curb.
The only reason he would be so aggressive about this is because he is actively trying to hide infidelity from you. Okay? It’s clear as fucking day. This dude is not safe, he is not trustworthy, go get yourself tested and be free of him. You do not need this bull shit in your life, there are literally millions of men who will treat you well and not fuck other women and attack you when you suspect it.
Weird reaction, and from your follow up edits, it sounds extremele manipulative, especially that last one. I’ve always been of the mind that if you dont have anything to hide, why hide your phone. I have my privacy, such as my bank account, etc. But otherwise my partner has free reign to jump on my phone and use it as she sees fit. I’ve got nothing to hide and no shame or guilt if she sees something on my phone.
You’re NTA. And honestly, it sounds like he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking its your fault. Don’t let him. Let him know his reaction makes you think you both need some space and you’ll let him know when you’re calm and emotionally ready to see him again. Get yourself calmed down. Talk to people whom you know who dont have a view into the relationship.
This is a red flag to me and knowing the signs, id be worried about cheating if it was me
That is a wildly inappropriate reaction he had. It suggests that there is something inappropriate in his phone that he doesn’t want you finding.
He is speaking to you in a way that is NOT HEALTHY, NOT KIND, and NOT how a partner should talk to you.
Personally, every time I’ve seen these signs, they were cheating.
From everything you described, and I understand it’s not a full view of your relationship but, you should seriously consider leaving him.
I can understand him being annoyed you looked at his phone, but he should have also been able to reassure you about S✨by at least telling you who it was. Not continuing to blame you and tell you to drop it, that just causes fixation.
You’ll have to ask yourself if being in a relationship where you are punished (ignored) because they were overwhelmed by you asking a simple question. And where they threaten to take away your phone as punishment for doing something they don’t approve of.
There are so many people in the world, don’t let the one who is supposed to love and care about you, treat you anything less than amazing! NTA
Love, he’s cheating on you and using DARVO. I would seriously consider breaking up with him. For your own sake
Good Lord I’m 73 and even I can figure it out smh sorry but he’s not being honest at all and trying to make you feel guilty hahahaha because he’s the one who’s guilty for messing around
That sounds like a guilty conscience… Especially with how he came back and scolded you like you’re a child that he has authority over… OP this is not what healthy communication looks like. Cut your losses. Even if he’s not cheating, anyone who doesn’t speak to you like you’re an equal (even when they’re in a bad mood) is not someone you want to continue a relationship with.
I once heard some say, if he starts being mean for no reason, there is someone else.
Nah. A little check like that shouldn’t be a big deal. Not like you’re examining everything in there. His reaction is a big red flag, though. He has things to hide in there. I couldn’t say what it is, but he’s hiding stuff.
NTA – and from what I’ve read, you need to go through your joint account transactions, crunch the numbers, and find out exactly how much of it is your money. Go to the bank TODAY because then it’s a 3 day weekend, and withdraw all of your money! Then, when/if he wants to speak to you again (which I’m sure he will once he sees you take your money out), you need to tell him you’re breaking up with him! Not only is he gaslighting, manipulating, abusive, controlling physically, AND financially, but this doesn’t seem like a good relationship overall. Find you someone who loves you unconditionally and can reasonably navigate their emotions 🙄 this sounds like a severe man-child and before he gets the bright idea to take all the money from the account 1st you need to beat him to the punch. You want someone to manage you financially? Get a financial advisor, or maybe even a parent if you trust them…. but not a guy you’ve been with less than 1yr and is unhinged…..
Jesus Christ lady. Stop being a door mat.
He’s definitely cheating. You don’t deserve how he treats you.
Updateme!
So if I came back into a room and my boyfriend had my phone in his hand I’d be like, “what’s up, someone text me?” and he’d have said yeah I was just seeing who it is, it’s Sparkle. And I’d have been like, “oh cool, that’s my buddy from college” or whatever the fuck and it would be fine. Because I’m not doing anything sketchy.
Now, if every time I left my phone alone I came back to see my boyfriend checking it out, I’d be like, bro we ain’t doing that. But that doesn’t seem to be the case for you. Sounds to me like he’s reacting super negatively to make it so uncomfortable that you won’t go near his phone again. Because he’s doing something sketchy.
I have to say, the, I hope you calm down and had some time to reflect and I’ll reach out when I feel ready is really giving toxic vibes.
I have absolutely made mistakes in my relationship with my husband, including some that really let him down and hurt his feelings in the past. What we do about it is, because both of us are interested in having a healthy and loving relationship, we talk about it. Sometimes it’s difficult talking about it. But it’s important.
And I should be clear that when I say we talk about it, I don’t mean he chastises me at length and I apologize and demure myself and feel shitty afterwards. I leave these conversations feeling forgiven. And vice versa, when my husband screws something up and we talk it out, I make sure that he understands that even though I’m upset with whatever happened, I still love him dearly and I forgive him.
Leaving you to feel like you broke everything apart and then positioning himself as holding in the rains on the relationship like he is gives me major red flag vibes. I think because this is something my abusive ex used to do regularly, he would overreact to small mess-ups and then lord them over me to the point that I was begging with him to forgive me so that the relationship wasn’t blown up. Except he never really would forgive me, of course, he would just decide that we could continue dating even though I was such a screw-up. But he’d put me on ice for days or sometimes weeks and it was the worst feeling.
Even if he did feel a little hurt by you poking around on his phone, which would be a valid feeling, the way that he is treating you in response makes me feel like he’s more interested in a relationship where he has control than where you two have built something healthy.
NTA. Some may argue it was a crossing of boundaries to check his phone, but in a relationship with mutual trust and nothing to hide, it shouldn’t warrant that kind of reaction. Calling you a “jealous crazy girl” and accusing you of not trusting him is literally telling on himself, if he had nothing to hide there would be nothing to be angry about.
Girl run, regardless of whether S-sparkle is someone he’s cheating on you with – his reaction and behaviour is a MASSIVE red flag. “When he’s in a good mood, he’s the sweetest person” and when he’s not? I’m guessing he’s cold and angry, maybe even violent. In a healthy relationship, him being in a bad mood should not mean he gets to take it out on you. Calling you “manipulative” is just telling on himself again, because to me it sounds like he is the manipulative one. Calling you “annoying” because you were caring and asked him if he wanted food, then giving you the silent treatment? That is not how you treat a partner you love and respect.
His final text saying he hopes that you have calmed down?? He was the one that blew up overreacted in the first place. And had “time to reflect”??? on what, on how he treated you I hope.
IMO he’s hiding something, but even if he isn’t, this isn’t someone you want to stay with. Explosive overreactions and very low emotional intelligence, is this something you want to be around in the long term? From what I’ve read in this post, his behaviour screams ABUSIVE to me, because I’ve seen this pattern in so many abusive relationships and it will only escalate from here. No amount of talking to him will change that, and I would hate if he one day put his hands on you. I know you don’t like to upset him, but please, prioritise your own peace and safety, don’t stay with someone who just causes you hurt and stress even if he is the “sweetest when he’s in a good mood.”
If he’s not cheating and on his way out then he’s deliberately setting up a power imbalance in your relationship. There is no non-abusive reason for that
NTA, ask who Ms. Sparkle is. May not be been your best move to check the display, but his reaction is way over the top. Bet my ass he is banging sparkles right now, after texting u, that u are the Problem.
The way he’s reacting makes me think that he does in fact have something to hide. I don’t think you were worried at all, I think that part is bullshit. I think you know what’s up. You saw something suspicious and you were going to investigate. Now I do agree that snooping in his phone was not the right call. If you have a suspicion, you should speak to him directly about it.
He saved someone with a special emoji for a reason. You don’t have that for your contact info, but someone else does. And he’s trying to hide this person with labeling them with only their initial. He’s getting pissed because he got caught. Now he’s going to punish you for catching him. To ‘teach you a lesson’ with the silent treatment to make sure you don’t ever snoop again, therefore eliminating his chances of getting caught.
That’s what it sounds like to me.
Wait so who is S✨? Did he ever explain? His reaction is super sus tbh? My boyfriend and I hold eachothers phones all the time, I don’t understand the secrecy of phones I think that’s a red flag tbh
He cheatin
He’s aggressive, he’s not going to change. You teach people how to treat you, time to teach him you don’t put up with being treated like garbage. It’s not invasive to look at a partner’s phone, and to give you the silent treatment for hours and calling you annoying for talking about dinner plans is NOT how you want to be treated for the next 60 years of your life. Dump him. He cannot and will not change while you’re in a relationship with him
I think you should take this time apart to reevaluate this relationship.
Are you getting what you want and need from the relationship?
Having stress at work doesn’t mean your partner gets to treat you with indifference.
Lastly, you know why that person was listed in his phone like that and why he’s freaked out that you were looking at his phone.
He’s effectively put you on a shelf for a while so that you’re out of his hair.
If I was you, I get out of his hair permanently.