I’d appreciate some perspective on what a healthy sex life looks like, especially in long-term relationships.
In my past relationships and sexual experiences, I mainly focused on pleasing my partner and making them orgasm. My approach was a bit repetitive—short foreplay, mostly penetration or oral. I get a lot of satisfaction from seeing a partner enjoy themselves, and I always considered myself really open-minded in this area.
With my most recent ex, I realized there was much more to intimacy. Early on, I stuck to my old habits, and it didn’t really work for her. She also overshared stories about her past sexual experiences and compared dynamics, which made me feel pressured to be “better” than her previous partners. This sometimes led to performance anxiety and occasional erectile issues during the first six months. She was patient, and I eventually overcame this issue.
Later, conflicts and misunderstandings about sex became harder to discuss. I often defaulted to her way of doing things (and I really tried to adapt to her) but felt some resentment that my perspective wasn’t really heard. Over time, she preferred to be in control of when and how we had sex. Most of my spontaneous approaches were rejected, and eventually I stopped initiating or rarely did it. When we did connect, it was genuinely good, but rare—maybe one out of ten times. We had sex once every 1–2 weeks, and it would sometimes be just making out, handjob, oral sex, or masturbating in front of the other (not always mutual). It often felt like she did it to get it out of the way and didn’t enjoy it.
In our breakup talk, she said she noticed “neediness” or “pressure” in my energy. She asked me to reflect on whether I was using sex to fill other emotional needs. I admit I was quite horny after long periods of no intimacy and sometimes got hurt about rejection, but I let it go quickly. I have a high libido, so it was hard to play it cool (I would get turned on by even hugging her or sitting next to her on the couch). Still, I didn’t make a move and waited for her to come to me.
In earlier relationships, sex felt more natural and mutual. This experience left me feeling anxious, rejected, and unsure how to approach intimacy without overthinking.
My questions:
• How does a healthy, connected sex life typically look and feel?
• How do you balance desire and spontaneity without creating pressure?
• If you’ve been in a similar situation, what helped you rebuild trust and connection around sex?
Thanks for any insights—you’d be helping me learn and hopefully avoid repeating these patterns in the future.
TL;DR:
I mostly focused on pleasing partners physically, but with my ex I felt pressured, anxious, and rejected. Most of my advances were declined, and intimacy felt tense. Looking for advice on what a healthy sex life looks like and how to balance desire without pressure.
Comments
Communication is key. For a healthy sex life, speak your desires, expectations and emotions. Remember, it’s about mutual pleasure and respect. Your partner isn’t a mind-reader and neither are you.
Like most aspects of a healthy relationship, it’s about negotiation and communication so you can reach an equilibrium point that satisfied both of you. Generally it’s about the two of you working to overcome problems as a team, whether those problems are external to the relationship or inside of it.
It sounds like some of that communication was missing in your previous relationship, causing a lot of frustration (that later seems like it was just a general incompatibility).
One thing I’d like to highlight is your mention of having a high drive and getting aroused when just hugging or being next to her. So can I ask, before the sex started to dip in frequency, how often were you giving her non-sexual touch and intimacy and how often were you trying to turn all/nearly all physical touch into sex? I have what I think is a medium drive and have dated high drive men before. In all those instances I noticed that the high drive man would pretty much never be able to just have some physical contact and not try to turn it into sex. I wanted a cuddle? -> Sex. I wanted a cute/romantic little kissing session in the kitchen during making dinner? -> Sex. I wanted a back rub? -> Sex. I literally could not touch these men without them always, every time, trying to move it towards sex. And yes, it did feel like pressure after a while. And the lack of being able to control their arousal and just be intimate without it *needing* to lead to sex was a turn off. I would invariably pull back from even the smallest gestures of affection because I knew they’d push for more every time. And this did have a compounding effect because they were getting less sex and affection, meaning they’d push for it harder whenever I did show affection. It’s like I could feel the “I wanna fuck” seeping from their pores, even if they weren’t trying to be blatant about it. A really awful vicious cycle. So does that at all sound familiar? Maybe it doesn’t but do think about it and take it into consideration.
It sounds like you just straight up weren’t compatible, not only in how you enjoy sex but in libido in general. It’s not easy to overcome mismatched libido, and sometimes that means the end of a relationship- sometimes lots of communication and counseling can help at least get to the root of the issue and find some solutions. I don’t think you were doing anything wrong, she just viewed your higher libido as neediness or pressure, and you viewed her low libido as lack of interest and rejection. In a healthy relationship, you give each other the benefit of the doubt and don’t make assumptions, but you also sometimes just aren’t meant to be with someone who doesn’t share your level of interest in sex.