Hey fellas!
So I was speaking to a gentleman who said that when he was married to his ex wife, he became a very weak and low man. And when he married his now wife, he became a man he is proud to be.
Has anyone saw this pattern in themselves through your relationships?
How were things different in your personality when in a relationship that wasn’t nourishing versus completely single versus a good relationship?
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Good relationship: I’m freaking indestructible, my best me.
Single: apathetic, sometimes good, sometimes not so much, but mostly just there.
Bad relationship: I’m trying to fix it until I get frustrated and walk. Usually burning all bridges when I do.
Bad relationship? Felt like my light is dimmed, constantly walking on egg shells, unable to safely express any emotions or feelings, constantly judged, performative and all alone while in a relationship. Depression.
That was with my ex wife. It didn’t always start that way but it did slowly and eventually burned out. She left me for someone else too. Betrayal that I would never want anyone to go through whatsoever. Especially if you loved that person once before.. how could you do that to somebody that you claimed to love.. I will never feel compelled to speak to my ex wife ever again. Even if she came to me with a heartfelt apology, I’d just wish her well and tell her to do better next time. As for us, we are done. No friendship, no relationship, no communication. Done.
Being Single – freedom, joy, happiness, weight lifted off your shoulders, lightness and agility, finally living on my terms and not having to worry about pleasing anyone or spending time doing things that you didn’t want to do because you’re trying to support someone else’s interest. You’re at peace, content, there’s nothing wrong with me. You sleep well and wake up fresh for the day ahead.
I’m now in a new relationship – and all signs point to a healthy long lasting one. There’s healthy communication, both sides wanting to see each other and spend more time together, easy conversations, lots of witty banter and flirtation, respect, admiration, mutual understanding, willingness to work together as a team, acceptance, safe, I dare say in love. And this time, I’m committed to making it last the distance. The good thing about having experienced a failed marriage is you now know what it kinda takes to succeed and you actively want to make it work out, also boundaries and expectations are now set. You have a gauge to compare to and you’re not going to settle for anything less than excellence.
That to me, means the second marriage will work out, even if the odds are 75% failure. The 25% are likely living in absolute heaven on earth with a partner who they have consciously chosen after a failed first marriage. Those people must be truly blessed to have figured it out the second time round.
Obviously, men are happiest when they are just their natural selves and start running out of fucks to give.
I’ve never been in a bad relationship. When I was in my last relationship, I was happy and wanted to build us the best life together possible. Always looked forward to seeing her and taking her to some nice event after work. When I became single, I was happy too but in a different way. Happy to have the freedom to travel as much as I want, not having to pay for a house every month. Meet as many girls as I want. Either way I’m happy.
Bad relationship. I’m saving her.
Single. I’m saving myself.
Good one. No one needs saving.
Ex Wife: 11 years – Spent most of the time questioning myself and my choices. She is not a bad person, but I was never happy with her. Realized I had a low sense of self-worth. Started to improve myself, asked her to join me. When she rejected me at that time, after years, I knew I had to leave her. It was a huge growth moment for me.
When I am single, I try to keep myself a little comfortable. Always working on things for myself and pushing my boundaries. I find it very healthy, so long as I am checking in with people I care about and performing well at work.
Currently dating a fantastic woman. We communicate well, even about uncomfortable things. We do many great growth activities together, which helps us feel closer. And we acknowledge when we need time to ourselves to rest and relax. I even catch myself telling her “I needed this experience.”
Bad relationship, I just wanted to work all the time and I was always with my kids. I had esophageal problems and was choking on everything, and I had a hard time making male friends. Single, still with the kids, but I am starting to want to get some major time off to go live a little. I feel free, at peace and can eat without issues. I am waiting on a good relationship. I had one for 10+ years, but people change.
Ohje, before my ex i was optimistic, driven, fast even. I distincly remember i was a very fast walker and just raced through the inner city, got what i came for and left. And in the last year… man, the headaches. I had such severe headaches, especially in the evening when she had these aggressive rants… stress headaches. Its when your neck etc tenses and you feel like your head gets squashed.
I think now six years after her, iam 2/3s back to my old self. Which would be funny if i ever met her again, cause when we broke up, her complain was, that iam not like i used to be. She doesnt even know, she is the reason iam no longer like that.
I’ve had two serious LTR’s in my life (other LTR’s where less serious and I spent most of my 20’s doing wild/stupid shit), my ex and my missus.
With my ex she gradually ground me down until I was miserable and not at all the person I wanted to be, at my core I was still me but it wasn’t a me I liked very much, I retreated into my shell and just lived life one day after another, neither happy or sad – just numb.
With my missus I’m free to be me, we support each other, there is no masks on either side, I see her, she sees me, I love her so much I want our future together to be awesome and we’ve built something that we both want to last – it’s not a co-incidence that my career went vertical after we met – the motivation you get from wanting to better both your lives simply hits different somehow.
No man is an island applies to relationships just as it does friendships/the society around you.
I think I’ve always felt more safe in relationships even if shouldn’t really be in them. Being with someone else who accepts you can provide enormous sense of security … but if you’re committed and don’t really feel seen then that will eat away at the relationship.
I never lived alone until I was 31 after my divorce and still don’t really feel like I have since I have a dog but I think a stretch of being single has been important for me. I’m still leaning independence and I like it … and and am at a stage where it would take one hell of an amazing woman/match to be better than no woman.