OK, I have a lot of emotions concerning this issue & I am kind of at the end of my rope, so I’m reaching out to the reddit community to ask: AITA
My stepmom and my dad have been together since I was 14. They have now been together for over 15
years. While I have never had any glaring issues with my stepmother, we have never been particularly close. After my parents divorced, I stayed mainly with my mom who never remarried. My mother and I were extremely close. About two years ago my mom passed away and shortly after that, my stepmom began to introduce me as her daughter. I really bristled whenever she would do this because it felt like an erasure of my own mother. It also caused a lot of confusion for other people since my stepmom is quite young. They would often say things like “My you must have had her early” which in my opinion
is just awkward for everyone involved. Eventually, I came out and told my stepmom that her calling me daughter was very painful for me and that I wanted her to stop. I also told her that I will never call her mother because I have an actual mother. Calling my stepmother mother felt like a racing my own history and the history of my mother.
My stepmother replied by telling me how painful the label of stepmother is to her. This is something I
do not understand because she never had a stepmother. Her parents are still together and as a child, she never interacted with stepmothers.… So I just don’t understand her perspective. She asked that I just call her by her first name when introducing her if I’m not going to call her mother, but that doesn’t
really work in practice. She is also continued to call me daughter on another three occasions despite me telling her how painful this is for me. At this point, I don’t know what to do. My dad is taking my stepmom side and he has told me for years now that his relationship with her is more important than his relationship with me. The last time I tried to bring this up they both ganged up on me and asked me why I was continuing to harp on the subject.
Now I am a conflict turtle so normally I would just let this be and avoid situations like this. However, I recently became pregnant and reached out to my stepmom and sent her this message: “You know I have a complicated relationship with calling you my mother but I want you to know you are this child’s grandmother. I love you and am excited for us to be on this life journey together.” Here is how
she responded: “We don’t have a need for labels. We are excited to celebrate this child’s life”. At this point, I’m really upset.
Ultimately, I am confused as to what direction to go and what to do. Sometimes I wonder: am I overreacting? Am I the asshole here? My stepmom and my dad make it seem as though I am. I am also open to any suggestions of what I can do going forward because I am at the end of my rope here. I want them to be involved in my life and the life of my future child but these issues are making that harder.Thank you!
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OK, I have a lot of emotions concerning this issue & I am kind of at the end of my rope, so I’m reaching out to the reddit community to ask: AITA
My stepmom and my dad have been together since I was 14. They have now been together for over 15
years. While I have never had any glaring issues with my stepmother, we have never been particularly close. After my parents divorced, I stayed mainly with my mom who never remarried. My mother and I were extremely close. About two years ago my mom passed away and shortly after that, my stepmom began to introduce me as her daughter. I really bristled whenever she would do this because it felt like an erasure of my own mother. It also caused a lot of confusion for other people since my stepmom is quite young. They would often say things like “My you must have had her early” which in my opinion
is just awkward for everyone involved. Eventually, I came out and told my stepmom that her calling me daughter was very painful for me and that I wanted her to stop. I also told her that I will never call her mother because I have an actual mother. Calling my stepmother mother felt like a racing my own history and the history of my mother.
My stepmother replied by telling me how painful the label of stepmother is to her. This is something I
do not understand because she never had a stepmother. Her parents are still together and as a child, she never interacted with stepmothers.… So I just don’t understand her perspective. She asked that I just call her by her first name when introducing her if I’m not going to call her mother, but that doesn’t
really work in practice. She is also continued to call me daughter on another three occasions despite me telling her how painful this is for me. At this point, I don’t know what to do. My dad is taking my stepmom side and he has told me for years now that his relationship with her is more important than his relationship with me. The last time I tried to bring this up they both ganged up on me and asked me why I was continuing to harp on the subject.
Now I am a conflict turtle so normally I would just let this be and avoid situations like this. However, I recently became pregnant and reached out to my stepmom and sent her this message: “You know I have a complicated relationship with calling you my mother but I want you to know you are this child’s grandmother. I love you and am excited for us to be on this life journey together.” Here is how
she responded: “We don’t have a need for labels. We are excited to celebrate this child’s life”. At this point, I’m really upset.
Ultimately, I am confused as to what direction to go and what to do. Sometimes I wonder: am I overreacting? Am I the asshole here? My stepmom and my dad make it seem as though I am. I am also open to any suggestions of what I can do going forward because I am at the end of my rope here. I want them to be involved in my life and the life of my future child but these issues are making that harder.Thank you!
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. She is your stepmother. That’s what she signed up to be. She isn’t your mother. Speak up for yourself: what she wants isn’t more important than what you want.
Every time she introduces you as her daughter say, “Actually, she is my stepmother”. If you want to be nice add, “Which I have been very grateful for”.
NTA. The first rule of parenting is to put the child first. Your feelings should take precedence.
NTA. I’m confused by her response. Seems very contradictory- “no need for labels”, but is “hurt” that she is called stepmother instead of mother, and insists on disrespecting your wishes and continuously calls you “daughter”. You’re not wrong, she just keeps changing the rules to fit her own needs. Sorry to say, she and your dad don’t seem as if they’ll ever change their views
ESH. You each seem to have a problem with respecting the other.
She asked you to call her by her name. So call her by her name. You say “That doesn’t really work in practice” but it only doesn’t work because you decided it doesn’t. Make a different decision and do what she asked you to do.
You have asked her to not introduce her as your daughter. If she ever does it again, make the correction, speak up right on the spot, and say, “I’m her step-daughter.”
NTA…She IS your stepmother, and you are NOT her daughter. She can feel however she wants, but that’s the truth of it. You are really giving her a golden opportunity to be a grandmother. I hope she recognizes the olive branch and embraces the role.
NAH
You don’t have to call her mom. When you introduce her you introduce her as, “This is my father and my father’s wife, xxxx” or just “this is my father’s wife, xxxx” When you raise your child she is “grandma xxxx”. Beyond that leave off the labels on your part. As for her introducing you as her daughter, yah I had 5 step-moms do that. It is just easier then saying, “This is my husband’s daughter, xxx” and if she did that it makes her sound like she is being deliberate in distancing herself from you. People will look at that a bit harshly and her heart doesn’t want to feel distanced from you. Just let it go, she isn’t replacing your mom, she’s being your dad’s wife. You probably will never see those people again so don’t take it so personally.
Might even consider letting her do a small baby shower for you. My step sister threw me one with the paternal side of my family, my aunt did the one for my maternal family, and my BFF did a separate one for friends and co-workers. Baby’s get a lot of love, reveal in it.
NTA.
Ask her whether she would prefer to introduce you as her husband’s daughter rather than your stepmother.
I think your message to her re your child was charming. She should have been more gracious.
NAH, everybody is entitled to their own feelings. That said, respectfully, it appears both of you are doing a lot of talking but not listening. You don’t want to be called daughter, and she doesn’t wants to be introduce her by her first name and you don’t want that. Each of these requests by you both should be easy to follow, understanding her is not needed on your end and vice versa.
NTA. Ew. She was clearly waiting for your mom to be out of the picture somehow to start calling you her daughter.
Girl. Read the room. It’s all or nothing for her. Why are you still trying to force a relationship when she has made it abundantly clear she will only have one IF it’s on her terms? You’ve tried and tried and keep getting shut down. Stop.
I mean “stepmom” is a whole lot nicer than the few friends step-parents I’ve met who are firmly known as “dad’s wife/mom’s husband; [insert name]”. NTA
You need to go lc with them since they can’t seem to respect your boundaries. Her response was passive aggressive.
Why do you want this woman as a grandparent for your child? Stop playing nice with people who don’t respect you. She wants you to follow her boundaries but doesn’t respect yours. Your dad thinks she’s more important than you. How does that make you feel? Do you want your child to feel this way?
Also, you mentioned she is young. I’m guessing she likes the attention on how young she is when she announces she’s your mom. The label grandma would make her feel older. She will want a made up grandma name instead. Figure out what you are comfortable with. Do you want a made up name? If not, it’s grandma or her first name. Start putting your foot down if not for yourself than for your child.
NTA You have the right to not want her to call you her daughter. Correct her every time, step-daughter actually, labels do matter and so do how they make people feel. I hope she is an awesome Grandma to your baby.
She is a narc and gas lighting you
Sometimes people push for these titles because they’re insecure. Doesn’t make it okay, but might explain it.
NTA. I’m getting serious red flags from your dad with his relationship with her being more important than his relationship with you. That’s a really shitty thing to say to your kid. Your stepmother is also being really shitty and overstepping.
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Nta. But maybe you two can compromise on the wording, bonus daughter/mom?
NTA. As your dad says his relationship with her is more important. You don’t want them around your daughter because they will gaslight her as well. Time to go nc
NTA, tell her you will never call her stepmother and stop calling you her daughter. Do what I do, let me introduce you to my father’s wife. And only call her that. My father had a revolving door of mistress/wives so it was the truth.
Your stepmother said she doesn’t have a need for labels, while insisting she’s your mother and you’re her daughter. Very prominent labels, if you ask me.
Personally I’d call her by her name if she doesn’t like the title of stepmother. She gave you a choice, mom or her name, so you call her by her name. If she introduces herself as your mom, or you her daughter, politely correct her. She’s told you she dislikes being called stepmother, you’re being respectful, she needs to do the same.
Simply correct her when she introduces you, and carry on. Simple, really. 🤷
start correcting her when she introduces you like that. (or if you really want to, refer to her as “my dad’s wife”.)
if your dad is trying to force the issue, you can try going low contact, or tell them that next time they do it like that you will be leaving the situation. then follow through.
ETA: NTA and punctuation
NTA. In terms of your feelings, you are not over-reacting. In terms of your reactions & communicating, you are, imo.
You told her how you feel. Now act that way. Call her whatever you want to call her. Correct her when she uses terms you don’t like. And don’t be so accommodating with your child.
NTA. I am a stepmother. I introduce myself as my husband’s wife or by first name. I call my husband’s kids his kids as they were in their 20s when we married. I was never a mom to them, just a (hopefully trusted) adult in their lives. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Sounds like she is being very…singleminded? Self centred? About this.
First of all, she knew when she married your dad, that she would be stepping into a “step mother” or “my dad’s wife” role. She was able to chose and provide her informed consent to this type of relationship.
As a child, no matter how old, you did NOT have a choice in this. So her little guilt trip about being called one thing or another is misplaced and completely unfair to you. She signed up to be your dad’s wife, she doesn’t get to claim “mother” unless it’s mutually agreed upon.
Second…she is either invalidating or insulting the relationship between yourself and your mom, whether she means to or not. Especially after you lost your mom, she salted your wound by trying to claim the “mom” title.
She was disrespectful of your wishes, and now she is being dismissive of your attempts to create those familial ties (with your own child). I’ll add, though, that if calling her “step mom” doesn’t work for her, DON’T refer to her as your step mom.
I’m not saying she’s a bad person or anything, but it sounds like you’ve set fair boundaries and she can’t be bothered to respect them. This isn’t up to you, to repair; however, if she’s asked you to refer to her by her name instead of “stepmom” you need to respect that request (can’t ask for people to respect our boundaries if we can’t respect theirs)
“Hello, I’m X and this is my dad’s wife”. NTA. There is a stigma around being a stepmother; think of all the fairy tales and other stories about evil stepmothers. However, step-families are much more common nowadays. Your stepmother needs to get over herself, and your feelings about the erasure of your mother are much more important than her wanting to claim you as her daughter.
Your dad’s wife has a problem and it’s not you. She needs therapy.
She is either your stepmother or you dad’s wife. Give her the option of which you use. She is not and never will be your mother, you already had one of them.
Honey, you need to stop trying to people please and grow a spine. They don’t care about what you want, only what they want. They’ve even told you that – why aren’t you listening? You are about to be a mother yourself – it’s time to stop being ‘conflict turtle’ and grow some balls.
“You are and always will be stepmother. Now you will also be step grandmother. I have decided. You will stop calling me daughter or I will call you out every single time to whoever you are talking to. You are not my mum and you never will be. You are a step mum. Now you’re a step grandma too. End of discussion.”
You are a grown woman and about to be a mum – you owe it to your child to be more than this fractured, immature and conflict- adverse person you think you should be.
It’s time to stand up straight and be a strong woman – like a proper mum. One YOUR mum would be proud of.
Both my parentals’ sides were complicated. I had 4 grandmas. Two the obvious way 🙂 and 2 steps.
Out of respect for the steps being in the family (however dubiously one of them enterd it), they were both called Grandma FirstName. My living biological grandma was simply Grandma.
These situations are difficult. I wish you the best
NTA