Im struggling to process why I acted the way I did in this relationship and was hoping I could get some clarity on that. Any questions are welcome, I’m happy to answer.
We had a lot of issues since the beginning of the relationship. Any argument we would have I would share with friends and my therapist. It would start off as him insulting me a lot then it would go to full blown arguments of him using threatening and belittling phrases that felt abusive. He would always apologise and acknowledge his faults but because he had said such hurtful things to me, I felt emotionally unsafe in the relationship to share with him how I felt and would share with others. Even if I did share with him, he would justify himself then apologise. I used others to basically complain about these situations but despite any advice given I would never follow it. I realise now it’s because I liked the validation. Initially these were just pointless arguments but overtime when I started to stay at his house more, incompatibilities started to surface. He would try to teach me things and I wouldn’t follow through or listen, I felt pressure to be someone I wasn’t and I guess I resented him for that and would share with others the bad things about him because I felt bitter. There would be a few things he’d say that would make me doubt him like maybe something misogynistic or ‘politically incorrect’, just things that sounded off to me in terms of his beliefs about things. I guess looking back now I didn’t think I had much insight and maybe he was right about certain things – both about myself, others and the world in general. I felt guilty for sharing so much with others because I guess I focused more on the fact he made me upset than what he was trying to say or why he was saying it. I still kept sharing because the arguments would get quite bad later down the line in terms of the things he would say to me, like although I could understand how I drove him to it, he would react with words that made me feel small and hurt and would threaten to take things away from me, about my family too. It wasn’t just insecurity but I felt scared in his presence when he was angry. He would say that when he’s angry he’s really just sad and that’s how he expresses it which I see now. I understand his behaviour now and I didn’t really hold much compassion for him as I would’ve liked to at the beginning because he genuinely would just be so rude, so it was hard to.
Basically overtime, he found out that I had been sharing our arguments with others and took that as me slandering him and an act of betrayal, that nothing was ever sacred between us. I feel very guilty for it and truly wish I never had shared so much. I guess in the way I would say things like ‘he asked me to help him with his exams’ rather than me saying ‘I decided to help him with his exams’. But the things I said weren’t fabricated genuinely, I said it how it was but I guess because I shared a lot of bad moments that were quite serious from everyone else’s perspective, they already had a bad impression of him already. Although he would show me love in ways like taking time out to teach me things, cook for me, take me places, kept his car and apartment instead of saving money because it’s nicer for me etc.
It got so bad that someone in my circle sent him a series of threatening messages saying if you contact bella we will report you for coercive control and you will lose your career, we have documented evidence etc we know where you live etc and they basically accounted for every argument I had shared. The threatening messages escalated because I shared an argument we had where he asked me to repeat I’m a useless b* 100 times and threw water at me. He was forced to block me. I managed to get in contact with him for a bit which helped get some closure but another message came through from them saying that I shared that I know from friends about these threatening messages and he broke up with me for good after that because even after everything, I still shared. From my perspective, I wanted to find out who had sent the threatening messages so I could try to get them to stop but I didn’t want them thinking I was talking to him so I said I heard from friends. I see now how that was used against him and didn’t realise at the time. He doesn’t trust me anymore and I feel sad that I’ve hurt someone I love. He told me this is the end forever now, don’t contact me again or my friends etc you’re ruining my life. He said to me once before that if it was just the threatening messages he could handle that but it was more the fact that I had been the one that was saying bad things about him. I can’t believe I’ve done something like this.
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It sounds like you didn’t have a great sense of trust and emotional intimacy with him. And then he got abusive.
Not sure there’s anything super complicated here , you didn’t feel connected to him and you all weren’t a good match
Only your therapist is qualified to work with you on why you persisted in a mutually toxic relationship. The only advice I will offer is to stay single for an extended time until you have a clear understanding of your own choices and behavior. I wish you well.
Him breaking up with you was a blessing in disguise. I’m not sure what you’re hoping to get from Reddit, but I’ll just say this dude was abusive and now you’re free and it’s time to move on. If you have access, maybe get some therapy before the next relationship to address the need to gain validation outside of the relationship. It seems like you knew it was bad, they reassured you that it was bad, so that validated you. I’d be exhausted if I was your friends giving advice that you never took about this horrible relationship.
What happened was that you were in an abusive relationship. When people around you listened to what you told them and reacted he realised he hadn’t isolated you well enough from others. So you where no longer worth the hassle because you didn’t break down as badly as he wanted you to and maintained friendships outside of your relationship.
At least that’s how it reads from how you described it.
He expressed sadness as Anger?!?
Bullet dodged, good riddance.
You were in a toxic, abusive relationship that was bad from the very beginning. Give it some time and you will come to realize just how bad it was, and how lucky you are to have escaped it.
Why are you continuously questioning yourself and keeping in contact with him? He was an abusive pos and now you’re not in a relationship get some therapy and move on with your life
Um, the “I am a useless b” texts are crazy and that is absolutely abusive, so it’s good that you got out
That being said, yes, over sharing with friends is generally a bad idea if you’re in a serious relationship. If there are problems, you need to talk to each other, not rant about each other to others. Your job is to protect each other, in some sense. He certainly isn’t doing that when he’s being abusive, but if you meet a decent guy, I would suggest breaking your habit. I just told a female friend of mine that no one in their right mind would date her given the amount of shit she talks about her boyfriends. She objected until I asked how many times she’s heard me say something negative about one of my girlfriends. Never, and it’s hardly as if I’ve only dated absolutely perfect people, it’s just that our business isn’t anyone else’s.
But this guy? Absolutely great to get away from. He sounds like a psycho
He’s manipulative. It’s what they do. You stayed because he made you feel needed and wanted. There’s no shame in that. Toxic relationships are hard to leave. If they weren’t people wouldn’t need therapy and or seek support after years of going through the cycles.
Don’t beat yourself up, you were trying to be a good person. You were trying to see the good in him.
Your situation isn’t rare in the slightest. This happens all the time. Someone being abusive towards you isn’t something you need to feel guilty about. He created the situation. He is someone who is using people vs actually caring for people.
Please, please, please, allow yourself the grace to accept that this wasn’t your fault and you are in so much better of a situation with him out of your life. Don’t look too much into the past for the why’s and just learn to look for the signs and be ready for a better relationship to come your way.