I 40m and my wife 39f have 3 great kids, 13m, 12f, and 9f.
Our youngest daughter doesn’t handle horror very well , she can only handle Scooby do and even that is sometimes too scary for her. But she of course wants to see scary stuff and throws temper tantrums when we say no.
Last night my wife and our two older kids wanted to watch Alien and we figured we’d watch it after our youngest daughter was in bed ( since it’s summer we’ve bumped her bedtime up to 9:30 ).
After my wife and I put our daughter to bed we went downstairs to start the movie. After the movie had started our youngest daughter came down and asked what movie we were watching. We asked her why she wasn’t in bed and she said she heard her sister mention that we were gonna watch a movie and asked if she could watch to.
We told her no because it was too scary for her but she kept insisting that she could handle it. I eventually firmly told her no but she kept insisting that she could handle it.
So I picked her up and carried her back to her bed, she screamed and protested the whole time saying ” no daddy I wanna watch the movie “!
When I tucked her back in bed she kept protesting saying it wasn’t fair to have family movie time without her, that’s when I said to her ” this is not family movie time this is a time for people who are big enough for scary movies and you’re too little for scary movies “.
She said ” no daddy I’m big enough for scary movies ” and tried to get out of bed, thats when I raised my voice and firmly told her ” no your too little for scary movies and it is past your bedtime now if you get out of bed again your in trouble “!
I then tucked her back into bed and kissed her goodnight.
Then we all watched the movie as planned, we could hear our daughter screaming and having a tantrum from upstairs for a while but we ignored it and it did stop.
I thought i handed it fine until today when my wife came to me very upset with me for how I handled it.
She said it would’ve been better to just let her watch a movie that was appropriate for her with us and then put her to bed and watch Alien because then she wouldn’t have felt excluded. I disagreed because our daughter knew it was past her bedtime. But my wife still thinks I didn’t handle it right.
AITA?
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I 40m and my wife 39f have 3 great kids, 13m, 12f, and 9f.
Our youngest daughter doesn’t handle horror very well , she can only handle Scooby do and even that is sometimes too scary for her. But she of course wants to see scary stuff and throws temper tantrums when we say no.
Last night my wife and our two older kids wanted to watch Alien and we figured we’d watch it after our youngest daughter was in bed ( since it’s summer we’ve bumped her bedtime up to 9:30 ).
After my wife and I put our daughter to bed we went downstairs to start the movie. After the movie had started our youngest daughter came down and asked what movie we were watching. We asked her why she wasn’t in bed and she said she heard her sister mention that we were gonna watch a movie and asked if she could watch to.
We told her no because it was too scary for her but she kept insisting that she could handle it. I eventually firmly told her no but she kept insisting that she could handle it.
So I picked her up and carried her back to her bed, she screamed and protested the whole time saying ” no daddy I wanna watch the movie “!
When I tucked her back in bed she kept protesting saying it wasn’t fair to have family movie time without her, that’s when I said to her ” this is not family movie time this is a time for people who are big enough for scary movies and you’re too little for scary movies “.
She said ” no daddy I’m big enough for scary movies ” and tried to get out of bed, thats when I raised my voice and firmly told her ” no your too little for scary movies and it is past your bedtime now if you get out of bed again your in trouble “!
I then tucked her back into bed and kissed her goodnight.
Then we all watched the movie as planned, we could hear our daughter screaming and having a tantrum from upstairs for a while but we ignored it and it did stop.
I thought i handed it fine until today when my wife came to me very upset with me for how I handled it.
She said it would’ve been better to just let her watch a movie that was appropriate for her with us and then put her to bed and watch Alien because then she wouldn’t have felt excluded. I disagreed because our daughter knew it was past her bedtime. But my wife still thinks I didn’t handle it right.
AITA?
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> I put my daughter to bed and told her she couldn’t watch a scary movie with us
My wife thinks I handled the situation wrong
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA as you DO NOT want to reward a tantrum. But next time, I’d go with viewing a family movie all together before putting on the scary movie after her bedtime.
NTA. You were firm. You explained the rules, and you stuck to them. Nothing wrong with that. I disagree with your wife. Why should the family sit through another movie to placate the younger daughter before watching what they wanted to see? Besides, the daughter said she wanted to see Alien, not some non-scary movie. She still would have complained. You taught your daughter that she can’t get around the rules by throwing a fit.
YTA.
I’ll gladly agree you were in a no-win situation but my god does baby girl have a very valid point: How is it not family movie time without her??
And frankly to throw “big enough” in her face like that??? lol Meanie!!!!
Look no one is going to tell you that you should let your 9 year old watch alien, but theres probably a spooky movie to let her scratch her horror itch and I think babygirl has earned exclusive movie choiice privileges for rest of summer (age appropriate) cause how DARE you say she isn’t big enough! In her own bed!!!!! SHE THE BIGGEST BIG KID IN THE HOUSE AND THATS CLEAR!!
YTA
You had a family movie night without her. You should have had a movie night with all your kids (and watch an appropriate movie) or no movie night at all.
You can have a night only with her, and another one with the other kids. If you have a special moment with the oldest kids, you also have to plan a special night with her. You can’t just send her to sleep and have a special moment with her siblings, without her knowing.
Yes, kids need to be treated equally and you just excluded her. If you planned a vacation and she was too young to come, would you just exclude her ? Or an activity ? Excluding her isn’t okay. Giving her a special moment too would be the right answer.
NTA. It’s not about big enough, it’s about handling the horror. I’m 40 and I absolutely can’t handle it. Even trailers for horror films impact my sleep.
She is old enough to start learning that not everything is for everyone. She won’t enjoy it and you were watching after her bedtime.
NTA for how you handled it, BUT perhaps next time make it a double feature with “G” movie first before the youngest goes to bed. Your older kids deserve to be able to watch what they like instead of being limited to milder stuff, but watching movies together is important–they need to watch both.
NTA – You handled it perfectly.
NTA. You waited until she was in bed. Regardless of what you all were doing she should have been in bed. Allowing her privileges because she throws a tantrum sends the wrong message.
You’re way better than my parents, who let my brother and me watch The Patriot lmao. I was 11 but my brother was 7! Maybe watch a dumb movie a kid would like another day with her to make up and next time have a double feature where she goes to bed before the second half. She’ll probably still bitch but whatever
NTA. Don’t even engage with her next time about the movie itself, because it’s not about the movie, it’s past her bedtime. That’s it. She cannot stay up past her bedtime. What you guys do after she goes to bed is your business, not hers. She is totally allowed to ask politely to stay up, you are totally allowed to say no. But I think the movie aspect might have really worked her up, next time make sure that the other kids don’t mention movie night to her and just treat it like normal bedtime. Then, I’d wait maybe 45 mins after she goes to bed to make sure she’s sleeping.
NTA, my husband and I chased our kids out of the room to watch stuff inappropriate to them when they were little.
NTA – you could have just told her it was passed her bedtime too. Kids need to understand what no means. You could have softened it a bit and said, we will watch a fun movie together tomorrow or something.
NTA Well she screamed and cried anyway so I guess she could have screamed and cried about the movie. Lol.
I mean NTA for not letting her watch the movie. But I’d also be bummed if I woke up and my family was doing something without me. I get you waited until her bedtime but is also summer, kids will naturally fall out of their routine here and there. It is upsetting to see your family do something without you.
YTA.
You did not just “protect” your daughter from a scary film. You chose to exclude her from a family activity, then justified it by calling it something only for the “big kids”. That is not parenting, that is emotional neglect.
You could have watched something that included everyone. There are thousands of family-friendly films. You are not obligated to watch Alien that night. Instead, you sent a clear message that she is not part of the family unless she meets some made-up criteria. That is cruel.
She was not acting out because she wanted horror. She was upset because she felt left out and unloved in that moment. And you ignored her, dismissed her feelings, and doubled down. Then you watched the film while she cried upstairs.
Your wife is absolutely right. You did not handle this properly, and yes, it is emotionally damaging. Treating children unequally and refusing to include them in family bonding moments causes lasting harm. You owe your daughter an apology, and you need to reflect on how you treat your children going forward.
NTA. Kids are extremely impressionable. And as a daddy you are still in a position to protect her from herself.
This takes me back to being 7/8 years old and sneaking out of my room to watch parts of movies my family were watching as my dad and siblings (10 & 7 years older than me) loved horrors. Had nightmares after glimpses of IT 😂 served me right haha! But no you’re NTA, I’d say to watch something with her before she goes to bed so she doesn’t feel left out and then put the scary ones on later
NTA – it was her bedtime and it was something meant for an older audience. You handled it perfectly.
What lesson does your wife want to teach? Throw a tantrum to get what you want?
The excluded comment is bs.. not everything is meant for everyone all the time.. she just doesn’t want to deal w a child throwing a fit.
Your wife is the AH and will create another AH outta your daughter if you dont stand firm on this. You did perfect.
NTA she has a bedtime. End of story. Your wife needs to focus on that, instead of being the cool mom.
A parent that’s parenting isn’t an ah. She’s younger, and can’t do everything the older does.
Gentle YTA because 1) you should have made it about it being past her bedtime, not whether or not she is “too little” for something. No kid is going to react well to that. By kid #3, you should have known you were stepping right into it with that argument, Dad. 🙂
2) It’s unclear what you all were doing prior to the movie, but if it wasn’t a family activity she enjoys, it was inconsiderate to do something without her and not have a consolation prize in your back pocket so to speak. G/PG movie, or an activity with just you or you and spouse…something. Personally, I would have offered to watch it with her during the next day, telling her if she wants to try a scary movie that’s fine but not when she has to go to bed right after. Nothing is as scary during the daytime.
NTA. There are kids who struggle with any kind of fictional peril (even in tv shows aimed at children), let alone actual scary films. It’s natural that she wants to be included, she probably equates being able to watch them to being ‘grown up’.
Stay firm, maybe try rephrasing as ‘this film is for X year olds onwards, you can watch it when you’re X’ (12 for example). Probably still won’t work, but worth a try.
Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re just a parent trying their best.
NTA. If she had thrown a tantrum because she saw you and your wife drinking wine, insisting that she wanted some because Mommy and Daddy were drinking it, you would have used more or less the same argument. There are grown-up drinks, just like there are grown-up movies.
NTA the entire family does not need to ALWAYS cater to the youngest person.
Shes not the damned boss and your wife is being out of line.
You and the older kids are ALLOWED to have time together doing things that don’t include the youngest member, as long as you are also often doing things that include her.
“No, this is not family movie night, this is scary movie night, and it’s passed your bedtime. Goodnight.”
My 9yo, who has recently asked about watching Alien, and whom received an “absolutely not, that movie is EXTREMELY scary”, would have been absolutely in trouble for having a damned after bedtime TANTRUM about not getting his way. He would find himself without access to screens for the next day or two. He’s 9 and NOT entitled to getting and doing whatever he wants, just because be thinks he ought to be. He has literally no idea what in this world is good or bad for him, in real scope of life. Someday he will thank me.
NTA – but you and your wife need to work on this. A 9 year old should not be having a tantrum over being told no.
You handled this badly. A double feature so she’s not left out of family movie night is a very easy change to make.yta
NTA, absolutely. A child that is too young/immature for scary movies (I bring up maturity level only because you mentioned she gets scared by some decidedly child-friendly films) who throws tantrums when she is excluded from an activity she would not be able to participate in. I get where your wife is coming from, nobody wants to deal with an upset child, but there need to be activities don’t only cater to the “baby”. I wouldn’t even stress the bedtime issue, the older family members decided to watch a movie that you know she would not be able to handle. This can be something she can look forward to participating in when she is older. Now is not the time. You should have a conversation with her about it and explain this, but you did the right thing.
I’m going to say YTA. Obviously you were right not to let her watch the movie, but you did not succeed in arranging a way of watching it that did not make her feel left out. When it was clear that she was aware of the movie night and felt excluded, I would have canceled or changed the movie and watched Alien another night. The most appropriate solutions would be to a) watch it while she is at a sleepover somewhere else, b) you or your wife take her to see a different movie while the other one watches Alien with the older kids, or c) wait a few years until she can handle it.
You’re wondering if you’re the asshole for leaving your child out of family time you lied to her about? I mean… okay…
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Wow.. .
Why call it family movie if the whole family is not watching together? I’m glad I’m not in your family. This daughter will feel the hurt for a long time that she isn’t a part of her family.
You would have been best doing one on one with each kid choosing what they want to watch.
Maybe next time you can consider how the feelings you create now will effect your children long term. These types of decisions come back up in the teenage years.
You were absolutely right. Your wife is being indulging and inconsistent. Why set a bedtime if it means nothing or if it does not count when your child does not like it. Your wife and you should have set a time to watch a movie with her that she likes and have the whole family together and make it special. Be firm on bedtime snd scary movies but add more family time around her interests.
I have to agree with your wife. Your daughter is 9, not a toddler. She can stay up past her bedtime to spend time with her family if youre all watching a movie, it won’t kill her. YTA
NAH but this . . .
>She said ” no daddy I’m big enough for scary movies ” and tried to get out of bed, thats when I raised my voice and firmly told her ” no your too little for scary movies
This is a serious insult to a child. t’s cute to us that our kids are little and less capable or adult at things but often to them it’s deeply frustrating/feels really bad. Imagine if you were less capable then everyone else in your social group, but you have been working on it and just want to try, and they yelled at you that no you’re too incompetent and can’t try. That would hurt.
You aren’t wrong to exclude her from a movie she can’t emotionally handle or do older kids stuff with your older kids only sometimes. However, I would talk to her about it differently.
I would empathize with her. Just hear her out for a minute or two and then validate her feelings. Repeat what she wishes, how it makes her feel, and share you understanding of how hard that is/sounds. If there’s some family stories you can share, I’d do that. For example if it was my kid I’d talk about how their beloved Uncle Mike (younger brother) used to get scared/get nightmares from media when he was younger and couldn’t watch some things as a result. However, he grew out of it with time. Or how I still don’t like many horror movies beacuse I don’t like gore, it makes me feel bad to watch. And that’s okay, we don’t all have to enjoy the same things. If you are having special time with the older kids without her, maybe one parent could plan something special to do one on one with just her too another time for her to look forward to. This can literally be playing a board game or going to the park or doing something silly for 15 minutes.
Anyway, I don’t give into tantrums either. I don’t let my younger do everything my older can. But straight up telling your kid you aren’t capable beacuse you’re too little is going to sting.
Info:
How often do family movie nights feature movies that are not appropriate for her?
Do you do other activities with her older siblings that exclude her?
Did you really think it was fair to yell at, physically remove, and threaten to punish her for wanting to be a part of a family activity that was actively excluding her?
Do you realize the potential psychological effect of how you handled this? Especially if it’s a pattern?
Are any family activities ever centered on her likes and preferences?
NTA, but hear me out.
Tell her you’ll make her a deal. She can watch the scary movie, but if she has nightmares and wants to come to your bed in the middle of the night, it’s too bad, she’s on her own.
I told my son this one time and he started thinking hard and telling me if he was comfortable with a movie or not.
NTA
I think the problem is this was framed as Family movie night and it shouldn’t have been. As someone else said it was scary movie night and situated after her bedtime. Sister shouldn’t have said you were all watching a movie to the youngest because of course she’d feel left out and want to join. But overall the focus should have been it’s your bedtime and you cannot stay up later tonight.
NTA. She needs to learn that not everything revolves around her. It was past her bedtime and a movie that wasn’t appropriate for her. And, more importantly, you showed her that you don’t get your way by throwing a tantrum. Everyone, including your wife, who is saying y’all should’ve switched your plans is doing her a disservice.
Now, I would’ve let her watch the movie because it’d be a good, “see, I told you you wouldn’t like it. Listen to me next time.”
She’s 9 and throwing tantrums?
NTA. You were trying to spar her from getting scared.
NAH. You and the others wanted to watch a scary movie, your youngest understandably felt left out. I would have suggested explaining to her that you guys are going to watch a scary film, and then on insert date youngest can choose a film to watch with you. That way she doesn’t feel as left out.
Your daughter is in what, fourth grade? This isn’t a matter of her being too little. At that age, lots of kids are interested in horror, and lots of them can handle it. And many others definitely can’t. My guess is that she’s seeing a lot of her friends getting into horror and wants to feel included. Home is a safe place for her to try that. Why not have a conversation with her about why she wants to watch scary movies when she obviously doesn’t enjoy being scared? Ask her what kind of things interests her, and then get some movies that match those interests. On movie night, watch her movie first, send her bed and watch your movie afterwards.
Quick add-on: at nine years old, she can put herself to bed. She doesn’t need to be tucked in. When you baby a kid too much, they remain a baby. Let her have some agency in her life.
Your wife’s solution was to watch a different film with her and then watch alien afterwards? Do your other kids not need sleep?
NTA. It was after her bed time and what happens after her bed time is none of her business. Changing the movie to something G just to cater to her because she was throwing a tantrum would not have been fair to your other 2 kids, and is how you wind up with a golden child that thinks the world revolves around them.
NTA. It was past her bedtime and she was supposed to be in bed that whole time. Case closed, rules are rules.
Also, speaking as someone who is also the youngest: I completely get that it sucks when you have to go to bed while everyone else in the house gets to stay up and do things without you. I had to deal with it when I was little, too. It isn’t fun.
But, the thing is: sometimes you just have to suck it up and wait your turn. Every youngest sibling has to learn this lesson eventually. It sucks when you’re dealing with it, but it won’t last forever.
NTA
Your wife’s idea is…. stupid.
My sister started watching Signs with us, not super scary but she was about 10 and not really good with horror, she cried herself to sleep for weeks and had nightmares.
She only made it to near the beginning when an alien walks past a kids party.
Its not worth the risk.
I’m sure it was awful for my sister, can’t relate, but it sucked for the rest of the house when she was screaming at 3am because of aliens…
Edit, just seen your wife meant waych a different movie.
No, that should have been planned earlier, everyone else didn’t have to suffer because of this but learn for next time, watch a kid friendly film first.
NTA and if it makes you feel any better, I remember my parents doing this with my brother who was 2 years older. They said I was just a little bit too little for that movie now but in the future they’d want to watch it with me. They said it might be too much for younger kids and make them feel bad. So I stayed in my room and played with toys lol.
It did not affect me long term or make me feel left out or alienated. The funny thing is… out of the whole family, I became the horror buff 🤷🏻♀️
Updateme
NTA- It was bedtime and she was meant to be in bed, even if you weren’t watching Alien.
NTA – you need to stick to rules and routines. Getting around bedtime by throwing a tantrum would have taught her that she can get around her rules by throwing tantrums. So if you’d let her stay up past her bedtime even to watch a kid friendly movie, who’s to say she wouldn’t have thrown another tantrum to get to watch alien, too? And then she would’ve been too scared to sleep and you’d have been up with her until early morning. Not worth it and it teaches her the wrong lessons for life
Nta she would get scared and want to leave, if you know she won’t like it its not wrong to tell her no
Gentle YTA. Totally fine to watch the movie without her, and to refuse to let her watch knowing that she wouldn’t handle it well. But sneaking around hoping she wouldn’t notice, and then effectively screaming at her that she’s too much of a baby to hang out with the rest of the cool kids in the family wasn’t exactly a smart way to handle it. Obviously her throwing a tantrum wasn’t ok either but she’s a kid and that’s pretty much how anyone her age would react to being aggressively left out of family fun time, and being insulted to boot.
Next time discuss it with her beforehand. “Hey Kid, some of us want to watch a horror movie tonight. We know it’s not your thing so we’re not gonna do it till after you’re in bed. Wanna pick someone fun for supper, or pick your own movie to watch together tomorrow?” would most likely have prevented the drama.