At the beginning of this year, I found out BIL got married and he was moving near us. I told him rent is pretty expensive so I wouldn’t recommend it. However he said it’s all good because his wife will help pay for rent until his finds a job. Fast forward a month, my wife tells me he’s about to sign a 2.5k a month lease for 12 months for a 3 bedroom apartment. I told her financially, it was a bad idea considering he doesn’t have a job and they could find something cheaper and wtf you need 3bed rooms for?. BIL once again says he’s good and his wife agreed to pay rent when they both signed the lease.
Just yesterday my wife’s tells me he needs help paying rent for this month. Turns out he only had money for the first two months for rent. So he asked his wife to help and she apparently refused. So I said ok well then they both will get evicted. It was causal talk until my wife dropped the hammer….turns out apparently BIL wife is blackmailing him to pay all the rent regardless if he has a job or not. Wife and I don’t know what the black mail is and BIL won’t tell us. Then my wife asked if I could help him pay rent. I said:
“After my repeated advise was ignored, if your brother was hanging on a cliff and I was on the edge of the cliff and I had a pocket full of fucks and he only need one to be saved, I WOULD NOT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK”
After reflecting later, I realized that comment was a bit harsh but idk. I was just furious at the situation, I was raised to be very mindful of my financials and this is not the first time he’s asked for money. Whenever we go out, I’m always paying. I do not expect it back, but there’s no way I can lend him 2.5k for poor decisions he’s made.
I’m afraid my refusal will put my marriage in jeopardy because of BIL
What do I do ?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
At the beginning of this year, I found out BIL got married and he was moving near us. I told him rent is pretty expensive so I wouldn’t recommend it. However he said it’s all good because his wife will help pay for rent until his finds a job. Fast forward a month, my wife tells me he’s about to sign a 2.5k a month lease for 12 months for a 3 bedroom apartment. I told her financially, it was a bad idea considering he doesn’t have a job and they could find something cheaper and wtf you need 3bed rooms for?. BIL once again says he’s good and his wife agreed to pay rent when they both signed the lease.
Just yesterday my wife’s tells me he needs help paying rent for this month. Turns out he only had money for the first two months for rent. So he asked his wife to help and she apparently refused. So I said ok well then they both will get evicted. It was causal talk until my wife dropped the hammer….turns out apparently BIL wife is blackmailing him to pay all the rent regardless if he has a job or not. Wife and I don’t know what the black mail is and BIL won’t tell us. Then my wife asked if I could help him pay rent. I said:
“After my repeated advise was ignored, if your brother was hanging on a cliff and I was on the edge of the cliff and I had a pocket full of fucks and he only need one to be saved, I WOULD NOT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK”
After reflecting later, I realized that comment was a bit harsh but idk. I was just furious at the situation, I was raised to be very mindful of my financials and this is not the first time he’s asked for money. Whenever we go out, I’m always paying. I do not expect it back, but there’s no way I can lend him 2.5k for poor decisions he’s made.
I’m afraid my refusal will put my marriage in jeopardy because of BIL
What do I do ?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> When my wife asked me to loan BIL, I told my wife BIL can fuck off.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Given the high probability of this “loan” never being repaid, I think you’re being financially prudent. And your spouse had best realize that, sooner rather than later.
NTA. Do nothing. Certainly don’t lend your BIL any money.
NTA. If your marriage is jeopardized by not throwing good money after bad, then it’s probably better now than later.
NTA he made his bed now he’s crying in it. Giving him money now just teaches him that bad decisions have no consequences.
Not your problem. Don’t make it such. NTA
[removed]
NTA. What makes your wife think that it will be just one month’s rent that you’ll be asked to cover? Will circumstances change? Probably not.
NTA.
If this jeopardizes your marriage, then your marriage was already built on people pleasing. 🤔
You posted this yesterday. Different facts were highlighted but the issue is the same. It’s also bullshit, so YTA for whatever this is you are doing.
NTA for not wanting to lend your BIL money. What are his plans for next month? Is he going to expect you to help then as well?
You are kind of the AH for how you phrased your refusal to your wife. You definitely should apologize to her for that. She may even have been more understanding of your unwillingness to help her brother if you had phrased this better.
How close is your wife to her brother? My siblings and I are super close. At multiple points in our almost 20-year marriage, my husband and I have either loaned money or had one or more of my siblings living with us. My husband doesn’t quite understand the closeness of the relationship my siblings and I have since he doesn’t really have a relationship with either of his siblings. My husband is, however, very supportive of my relationship with my siblings and is always willing to help even when I know he doesn’t want to. I don’t think my marriage would have survived my husband being unwilling to help my siblings if we were in a position where we could help. Family is so important to me, I dont think I could have stayed married to someone who couldn’t support me in thay belief even if they themselves are kind of indifferent toward their family.
Is this $2.5k worth the marital strife? If it’s not going to put you out financially, then you may want to consider what’s more important to you right now. Is it more important to not upset your wife and provide the help or is it more important to “not give a single fuck” to your BIL because he ignored your financial advice. 🤷♀️
NTA
It is not your responsibility to give him a penny.
Yes – I said give, not lend, as you have zero chance of getting this money back.
If you were to give him the money, you would be setting a disastrous precedent. You would never get any peace again. They would be at you for money at every twist and turn.
This is a deep issue. Please try to work with your wife so she understands. Bro won’t die without this money. He will get evicted. He will need another place. Like a shelter, perhaps.
But he’s a grown man. A married man. His wife is his partner.
If she recognizes throwing good money after bad, why can’t your wife?
If you share finances, your wife needs to be aligned with the two-yes, one-no concept.
Bro knew how much money he had. He overspent. Boo hoo.
NTA
Do not lend money to family, you will never see it again and they will always ask for more. That is my personal experience, never ever again.
I have lent money to friends who if they repay I would do it again, we all have occasional emergencies, but if they don’t repay them that is it.
NTA. This wouldn’t be a loan.
Psst! Your wife is going to lend it to him without your knowledge 👎
NTA and what happens next month? If he doesn’t have it now, he’s not going to have it then.
Especially with the blackmail thing, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near that mess.
Nta. You should write “fuck to give” poetry and sell it to make bil even more jealous
The only way I would even consider loaning money to an unemployed, overspending BIL is to have him sign a promissory note with repayment terms. And even then I wouldn’t lend it to him, because I know he won’t pay it back.
Don’t know how long you’ve been married or how stable your marriage is, but never lend money to family (I have NEVER seen it work out well — someone is always pissed off: either the loaner who ends up nagging and still never gets paid back or the recipient who is annoyed by the nagging and never pays, and then gets really mad when you won’t give them any more money in the future). And if your wife divorces you over this, first of all better to find out now, and second of all she has a place to go since she can live in one of her brother’s extra bedrooms.
NTA and if this puts your marriage in jeopardy then your marriage was already fragile. Your wife can go live with her brother and pay the rent.
NTA – don’t give him money and urge your wife not to either because it won’t stop. Bil has bigger fish to fry if his wife is “blackmailing” him
You can’t typically rent without proving income – is this even real?
His own wife won’t give him the money. That should tell you all you need to know. If she’s smart enough to not give him money, you should follow her lead.
I’m not sure I’d believe the blackmail thing. Sounds like manipulation to me. If it’s true, the only way to stop blackmail is to make it public. Can’t blackmail over something that everyone knows, right?
NTA
His wife is blackmailing him (or, who knows, maybe just holding him accountable for being an adult) and you’re worried that YOUR choices will put his marriage at risk?!
No.
NTA
Too bad – if your wife doesn’t like it get a divorce
NTA, but it sounds like your wife has the same financial sense as her brother. How is she suggesting he would pay next month’s rent, let alone paying you back for this months rent, as well as the 3 months after that?
NTA – just wanted to add that (for couples with consistent income) a 3 bedroom isn’t that strange. My spouse and I have our sleeping bedroom, a craft/office room for me, and a craft room for him :). We pay much less than $2.5k, though!!
NTA, tell your wife that you love her and that her brother needs to grow up and learn from his mistakes. That until he pays back the last amount that you will not loan him anymore money because it’s not a loan. It’s money giveaway and that you don’t want to be part of a blackmail scenario. Let her know that her brother is not allowed to live your house. Also, let her know that since blackmail is supposedly involved in all of this that you would be happy to call the police and have them figure out the situation. You never want to be in the middle of blackmail. This is also a good reason not to allow them to come over to your house. How will she blackmail the two of you.
NTA If you were to help out with just this month’s rent, you know he will be back next month for more, and the month after, and so on.
You need to stand firm before it gets out of hand.
If not giving him money will cause problems in your marriage, then you and your wife need counseling.
NTA. What do you do….hmmm, you rethink if you want a life time of this loser punk and your weak as wet waffle wife. Does she love YOU enough to stop and respect or are you supposed to love her enough to support both their lazy bums?
Not your problem that he’s an idiot.
NTA. What happens for the next 10 months? How much would it cost for them to break their lease? How likely is it that your wife will move them into your house without your consent?
Asking you to loan him money, under these circumstances, is really bold, if you ask me. If she would be willing to end your marriage over this, it does not bode well for the longevity of your relationship. Her willingness to enable his lack of consequences, for incredibly immature & reckless choices, is concerning. She should be worried that YOU, will see this as an insurmountable obstacle for your perspective future together.
If BIL’s wife has money, but she won’t pay rent, she will also be homeless when they get evicted. She may end up paying it but kicking him out. But that is their problem, not yours. Unless the next thing that happens is stupid unemployed moocher asks your wife to take him in. Talk now so that doesn’t happen!
Don’t loan money to family. Period. You can give money to them with no expectations of them not paying back. That is what will probably happen. Why won’t the wife contribute to rent?
NTA. Dude you need to update this with the blackmail when you find out.
“Will put my marriage in jeopardy”
So be it
If your marriage is in trouble because you refuse to loan your wife’s brother money, it wasn’t ever worth trying to save.
Wouldn’t you just divorce someone if they were blackmailing you?
Just apologize for the way you said it but he’s brought this on himself. Stick to the fact you warned him and he will be broke again soon
His stubbornness and poor financial choices are not your problem OP. If you don’t share finanaces why doesn’t your wife help her brother? Or why don’t other family members help? If you give them the money you’re going to be uncle piggy bank and you’ll never see a dime of it. NOR if it ruins your marriage so be it sounds like you’re dodging a bullet there.
NTA. Don’t give them a single dime. They moved to a new area when only one of them had a job. They then choose a three bedroom apartment when they only need one (especially on a single income). They sound like absolute idiots.
There’s no way they will only ask for help once. Don’t do it. NTA
BIL needs to learn stupid financial decisions have consequences.
His wife needs to learn that if she is going to play chicken, be prepared to lose (get evicted).
You wife needs to learn her brother isn’t a victim here and his issue was self created. One month rent isn’t going to help them, just delay the inevitable.
NTA