So my boyfriend ‘M26’ and I ‘F23’ have been dating for 19 months and are in a long-distance relationship that started about 15 days ago. He moved to another country to live with his parents and study, and ever since this shift, I’ve been feeling this weird emotional distance and it’s been eating me up a little.
Some things that have been bothering me:
• He goes out every evening and has a super full social life there, which I know is a good thing for him, but it kinda makes me feel sidelined. Whenever we get on a call, he says he has to go soon or his friends start calling, so we never have a long or relaxed conversation. I start feeling like I’m not that important in his day.
• This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way. It happened twice before, when he was there for a month each time. The first time was just after we started dating so I didn’t feel like I had the right to say anything. The second time, I just didn’t text him for a day because I felt like I was intruding in a life that already seemed full. He told me he loves me and wants to talk to me, and I went back to talking normally. Now the third time, I started stepping back again and this time he noticed and confronted me, and I told him what I was feeling.
We’ve already had four small fights/disagreements in these 15 days.
1. One was when I was talking about a friend who made me feel like I have no life outside of this relationship. While I was opening up to him about that, he casually joked that my life revolves too much around him and that he was “a little worried.” That hit a nerve and I went quiet for the rest of the evening.
2. The second was when things were tense politically in his country (due to the Israel war) and I was really anxious. I cried, I couldn’t sleep, I just wanted him to come back here or go to shelters there and just be safe, but he didn’t seem to care and went out for ice cream with friends and kept telling me to chill. I felt so invalidated, and this happened while we were still dealing with the “your life revolves around me” comment.
3. The third was something personal that happened at home that really shook me. I was crying on call and he wasn’t really saying anything. It didn’t feel like emotional support. I ended up asking if he even loves me. That night I realised he’s become way less expressive in the past few months. I told him that, and to be fair, he took it seriously and said he’ll work on it. That wasn’t a fight exactly, but it did make me reflect on how things have shifted emotionally. And about the fight, he said that he did not know what to tell me, which is fair.
4. And now, the fourth issue is this recurring feeling I have that he doesn’t really need me. It’s like I’m trying to step back just to survive this feeling, because constantly trying to get closer makes me feel like I’m always the one chasing.
Despite all of this, I know he loves me. And I love him too. We both say we want this to work. But I’m insecure and scared it might not. I’ve seen too many relationships fall apart and I guess that fear is making me act out sometimes. Deep down I do feel he’s different and I really, really hope we stay together and build a beautiful life.
But right now, I just need advice. How do you keep feeling loved in an LDR without needing constant communication? And how do I make him feel loved without feeling like I’m the only one pouring in too much? I don’t want to overdo it and lose myself. I don’t want to pull back either. How do people actually balance love and space in long-distance?
TL;DR: My boyfriend (26M) and I (23F) started long-distance 15 days ago after he moved abroad. Since then, I’ve felt emotionally distant and less prioritized, even though I know he loves me. We’ve already had a few emotional disagreements, and I’m scared I’m being too much or that I’ll sabotage the relationship. I love him deeply, but I’m trying to find a healthy balance between expressing my feelings and not overwhelming the relationship. Just need advice on how to feel emotionally secure in an LDR and make it work without losing myself in it.
Would really appreciate any help or perspectives. Thanks.