Over 9 months ago, I had a fallout with an ex. I had a manic episode in the summer, and she was dealing with her mom’s cancer treatment. There was thoughts that we might get back together, but when she realised I was mentally unstable and couldn’t support her in her time of need, she went no contact. This was hard, because she brought me to the psych ward, when I really didn’t want to go, and the only I was doing it was so we could remain friends, as I love and care for her. A few weeks after that, eventually we got in contact and she told me she loved me for the last time. After that, we shared a couple of platonic outings.
As I was looking for a new job, I would text her and she would be supportive and warm. Then one day, she just stop responding. Desperate and anxious, I wrote her an unflattering text, saying how much she meant to me and how difficult no contact was and asking her what I did wrong. She simply told me she moved on and she was dating, so she saw no reason to keep an active friendship with me. I said fine, and didn’t expect to her from her again.
Then, in November last year, she told me about her mother’s passing out of the blue. I still care a lot about her, and I offered condolence, but couldn’t do much else, as I was deeply depressed, and was trying to respect her boundaries. It really fucked with me, because I was mourning the loss of her in my life, and now was mourning the loss of her mother, without any avenues to impact her mourning period.
I would try and keep in touch, from a safe distance, but it was hard. Eventually, I began focusing on my recovery, which for 8 months, was a slippery, uphill battle. Luckily, I was able to find part-time work in March, and eventually got in touch with a psychiatrist, as I was uncooperative during mania.
I finally have made significant progress by May, so I reached out to see if she was open to catching up. Mainly this was for closure for me, since her mom passed, I think about how she’s doing a lot. She told me she would think about it, and I was cool with that, pretty well expecting a no. We crossed paths a month later, so I wrote a follow up to see if she’d given any thought. She said she’d be down, not for a catch up, rather if seeing each other would be progressive for me, and if a productive conversation would make us more comfortable around our mutual friends. This is more or less what I’m looking for.
A week later, she decides to text me last minute, after I just got home from work, to meet up. I live an hour from downtown, where she lives, and also had a long conversation with my mom, so I didn’t see it til 3 hours after she sent it. I was cordial, but in my mind, it’s rude to be so casual about something that’s important to me, especially after telling me she doesn’t want a casual meet up.
Another week goes, and I end up seeing her at a concert my friend was performing at. Sge came last minute, and she saw me(probably as suprised as I was) and we exchanged cursory updates. She made no mention of future plans to meet up, sat in the corner, and didn’t say another word to me, just waved goodbye when it was over.
All the while, it’s been months since I originally reach out. I finally had enough, and sent her a message, explaining this is more emotional pressure than what was originally intended, and her lack of planning shows how unimportantant this was to her, and she could’ve easily just said no to meeting up.
It’s been 3 days since I wrote my message. It feels like this whole thing set me backwards emotionally, which was the opposite of what was originally intended.
Why do people do this? We’re both neurodivergent, and I know she’s avoidant when it comes to social conflict, but I have nothing but kind to her post-friendship, have respected her boundaries, and she even goes as far as to maintain relationships with my friends and talks to them normally, while I get treated like this. I’m 31, and at this point, all my focus is in recovery and maintaining my health, and this was important, but not a priority to me. Does anyone have any tips on self-closure, since I won’t be getting any from my ex, or any other avoidants in relationships? It took a long time the first time, but right now I just want to stop thinking about this so I can focus on more important things.
TL;DR
Seeking closure from my ex, who keeps playing with my expectations
Thanks