Me (23M) and my GF (20F) have been together 2 months. Her trauma is slowly eating me alive, and I don’t know how long I can keep doing this.

Context first:
She has PTSD, panic attacks, and heavy anxiety. She’s experienced major trauma in both her relationships and especially her family.
Her father is violent and irrational. There’s physical abuse in her home—he’s hit her and her 13-year-old sister over things that don’t even make sense. One time he slapped her sister repeatedly just for forgetting to flush the toilet.

She’s also received traumatic threats before—just for standing up to male classmates and “friends” who couldn’t take rejection. She lives in constant fear. Her environment is chaos, and it’s heartbreaking.

Now she tells me I’m the only reason she’s still alive. I don’t take that lightly. But I also don’t know how to keep doing this without breaking down.

We’re in a long-distance relationship, 2 months in.
She’s in therapy (college counseling, 2 sessions a week—her family doesn’t know). Outside of that, I’m the only person she leans on.

And I try to be there. She tells me I’m her safe space. She says I’m the first person who’s ever made her feel like she matters.

But I’m exhausted.

She needs me constantly. She’s scared of sleeping early because of nightmares. So I stay up with her—sometimes until 4 or 5 a.m.—even when I have stuff the next day. And when I do fall asleep? If she has an attack while I’m out cold, she spirals.

It’s happened before. She cried and told me I “wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most.”
Even if I apologize, even if I explain I didn’t know, she gets stuck in the hurt.

One time I accidentally fell asleep during a heavy conversation, after promising to stay awake. I dozed off for maybe 25 mins. She was talking about her trauma.
And it devastated her.
She felt unheard. Unloved. That I broke a promise.
I apologized over and over, and somehow brought her back to smiles and comfort.
But I haven’t stopped thinking about it. I felt like a terrible partner—even if I know I didn’t do it on purpose.

The emotional weight is… intense.

Once we had a long fight (3 days).
She stopped eating. Literally.
Eventually fainted in the morning and was put on a glucose drip.
We made up later that day. But the emotional response? That shocked me.

She gets overwhelmed, calls herself a burden, says I’d be better off without her.
Sometimes threatens self-harm when things get too hard emotionally.
I do everything I can in those moments to calm her, love her, keep her safe. But every time it happens again, it feels like I’m holding a dam that keeps cracking.

I’m not asking if I’m doing it wrong or not enough.
I just don’t know how to survive this long-term.
How do people stay grounded in relationships like this?
How do you support someone who’s this emotionally fragile without completely burning out?
How do you keep love and empathy… without losing your own peace?

Also, for context—my own family is dysfunctional too. Emotional coldness, manipulation, distance. I’ve seen that since I was a kid.
But I wasn’t getting physically beaten. She was.
So I get trauma. I just don’t know how to carry both her pain and mine every day.

Sometimes I feel like I have to censor everything I say because anything could become a trigger.
Like once I joked, “So you want me to text you till I die?” and she broke down crying.
Because she can’t bear the idea of losing me, even as a joke.
40 minutes of that conversation were just about how hurt she was from hearing the word “die.”
I didn’t mean it that way. But I didn’t get to explain, really. I just held space.

I care about her. A lot.
And I’m not trying to “escape.”
But I don’t know how to keep my sanity while supporting her through all of this.
I feel like I’m constantly managing a crisis. Constantly watching my words. Constantly trying not to fail her.
And sometimes… I miss being able to breathe.

If anyone here has been in a relationship where one person carries deep trauma—how did you make it work?
What helped you both feel secure, loved, and safe—without destroying yourselves in the process?

Especially open to perspectives from women who’ve experienced this from either side—how can I support her without becoming her emotional crutch?
And is it even possible for a relationship like this to be healthy, long-term?

Thanks for reading. Really just needed to say this out loud. Any advice or perspective would mean a lot.

TL;DR:

• I (23M) have been in a long-distance relationship with my GF (20F) for 2 months.
• She has PTSD, severe anxiety, and a history of family abuse (physically violent father) + trauma from toxic friendships/relationships.
• She’s in therapy twice a week, but I’m her only emotional support outside that.
• She sees me as her only safe space and often says I’m her reason to live.
• I’ve stayed up countless nights, talked her through anxiety attacks, held space during trauma dumps, and been fully present emotionally.
• But I’m burning out. Small triggers cause emotional spirals—sometimes lasting hours or days.
• She gets devastated if I fall asleep during tough conversations or can’t give immediate reassurance.
• Sometimes turns to self-blame, emotional threats, or suicidal ideation when overwhelmed.
• I love her deeply and I want to help her heal, but the emotional toll is breaking me down.
• I’m not asking who’s right or wrong—I’m asking:
  • 👉 How can I support her without losing myself?
  • 👉 How do others in similar relationships protect their own peace while still being there for their partner?
  • 👉 Especially open to advice from those with trauma or who’ve supported partners through it.