Throwaway account because my husband I on Reddit and knows my main account.
My husband (34M) and I (32F) have been together for about 7 years. I would say our sex life ebbs and flows like every relationship but I’m realizing more that I want sex more than him and probably a lot more. I’ve noticed when i go long periods without wanting it he hardly ever initiates it. Once in a while he will but we would probably go a few weeks without it if I didn’t push it more. Idk if this is normal?
I know he masterbates and I’ve always been ok with that as long as it doesn’t effect our sex lives. He says he masterbates every 3-4 days and sometimes doesn’t even come. He says he’s just exhausted. We do have a toddler who keeps us busy plus he’s works a full time job. I work part time so I do more around the house but he does a lot to help around the house too and helping with our kid. He sits at a desk all day so he’s not super active which I know can hurt libido but I do try pick up most of the childcare some days after he’s done working for him to go workout at the gym.
I talked to him about maybe if he didn’t watch porn and masterbate he’d want sex with me more but he said that’s not true and it wouldn’t change anything. For some reason I’m kind of having a hard time believing that because I know the more I masterbate the less sex I crave. Idk what to do at this point. Every time I bring it up he seems frustrated and then it gets all weird having sex. I feel like it’s pity sex or he doesn’t actually want to do it. I’ve tried to spice things up like getting lingerie, playing sex games, I give him a lot oral and I’ve even been swallowing which I didn’t like but I know he likes it. I just feel like whatever I do isn’t good enough. We on average do it once a week but to be honest I would like around 3 times a week. I know I can’t force him but I feel like it’s really starting to effect me. Has anybody else been in this situation? What did you end up doing?
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Sounds like you’re feeling pretty frustrated and unloved. Have you considered that maybe he’s just not that into it, and it’s not about you? Maybe stop trying to fix him and talk about what you both want instead of what you think the other wants. Communication, not manipulation.
Sorry that is what you are experiencing. Have you thought about encouraging him to go to the doctor and get his hormones check via a blood test. Sometimes testosterone can decline early and guys can experience libido issues and even other issues in the bedroom because their hormones are too low.
I am one of the few people apparently that has been pretty low in the hormone category for a long time but didn’t experience any adverse effects until I started working out and had some pretty big issues. But once I went on hormone therapy I felt like I had a ton of energy, wanted to constantly get it on and was just able to deal with a lot more crap at work. As I got off of it lets just say libido went to nothing pretty much and I was exhausted all of the time. I guess the purpose of this story is that I have actually experienced low hormones. Also if your husband is anything close to a traditional male he probably has not been to the doctor in for ever so it will be good for him anyway 🙂
Has it always been this way or is this new? And if it’s new, what else changed? Work, health, weight gain, meds….?
I mean, having a toddler and full time job is going to wear most people out.
I don’t know what it feels like on your side of all this as I’m on the other side. I want to want more sex but it honestly just feels like a chore that I need to get done or there will be some pouting or another convo.
My partner says it’s how he feels connected and loved and I want to do that for him but…🤷♀️
I feel ya. It’s like… you’re craving intimacy, and he’s just not on the same page. Like, sure, we all have our off days, but once a week ain’t cutting it for ya. You’ve tried talking to him, spicing things up, even swallowing, jeez, TMI moment there, lol. But still, nada. So… what’s the next step here? How do you keep that conversation going without it turning into “pity sex” central?
Loveafterporn subreddit has resources for this
He’s choosing porn over intimacy and is unwilling to compromise on it. He has no incentive to initiate or really even want sex, because masturbating to porn is sexual release without the chance of rejection or any real effort. It’s okay to do it every now and then, but in the place of real intimacy is unacceptable.
You should consider couples counseling. He should also see a doctor. On the off chance that he has low testosterone or something else that is causing his low drive, that needs to be treated because it could be something as minor as needing more sleep or as serious as cancer.
Putting him in chasity, he’ll be begging for your bj, or just a touch. And definitely want more sex, & 0 masterbating.
I’ll say the same thing I would if the situation were reversed; You deserve to feel satisfied in your relationship. If no compromise can be reached, you need to have a difficult conversation.
My husband started taking Ashwagandha and was in the mood like every day all day. I started taking a similar supplement (I take anti-anxiety and anti depression so I was super low) and I’ve noticed a boost, too.