My wife and I have quality sex maybe once a month (I know, it could be a lot worse). It’s not enough – the marriage feels cold and unfulfilling. She has steadily lost interest over the last five years, while my drive has increased as our kids grow up and I get back in shape.
I feel like we’ve tried everything, including dates, honest communication, foreplay, toys, massage, therapy, scheduled sex, empowering her to initiate, focusing on her orgasm first, and low-stakes “quickies” instead of labored encounters. All of the above were her or the therapist’s ideas – she wants to be in charge, but ultimately feels uninterested and inadequate. I’m just looking for pointers or anything that we’ve not thought of before I start pursuing the big C or big D (interpret those how you like).
I can go a while, but after a couple of weeks I feel rejected and frustrated, even obsessed. I’ve considered measures to reduce my own drive, like antidepressants. We even moved to central Florida (which addressed many other seasonal depression issues, but not this).
Edit 1: Our marriage is generally functional, which seems to meet her expectations. with her a SAHM to our young kids. We share childcare as equally as possible.
Edit 2: prioritizing her pleasure has recently made things worse. I love giving oral, and though it takes a lot of time, her multiple orgasms leave me feeling great for days. Accomplished, I guess. Lately, she refuses or gets upset if I try to pleasure her. She expects me to cum and be done with it, which doesn’t work for me.
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You’ve certainly tried a lot. It seems like time to get her hormones checked and possibly balanced. If she’s not that interested and just wants to hurry and be done, it may just be that she doesn’t have the hormones to be in the mood. Not uncommon as women age
She probably feels guilty for not being super into it and just wants you to get off to satisfy your needs. Even though obviously having your wife enjoy sex and be engaged is a need. If women aren’t feeling it, they can fall into a “he’s just horny” vibe rather than “a lot of this is about emotional intimacy and connection” and they’ll react poorly to attempts get them to enjoy it
She also isn’t the youngest woman, so hormones could be an issue. It’s a little early for peri, but not unheard of
Depending on her openness to such things, she could try testosterone or drugs of various forms.
Divorce!
Maybe it’s time to get real about why you’re both in this sex drought, your wife ain’t feeling it anymore and you are, so communication’s key. No more tiptoeing around the elephant in the room or assuming you know what she needs because that shit’s clearly not working.
Not mentioned in this list of things you’ve tried is her visiting her doctor and having her hormone levels tested to see if she’s perimenopausal. This actual medical reality can undermine all the feel good intangibles you cite here. But that assumes she was interested in more sex prior to reaching 40. If her libido has just always been lower than yours then that’s just kind of the human condition.
Write her some dirty erotica stories or borrow someone else’s. I found a couple that I thought my wife would like and changed the names in the stories to ours. I sent them to her and boom, cheat code unlocked bro.
Say you’re getting your hormones and health checked and she should with you.
Find out if there is an hormonal reason for this.
If so, it can be fixed.
It’s better to at least try that before ruining your family.
Once you have an answer and if she doesn’t want to work on the solution tell her you are considering divorce.