I found out a few months ago that my girlfriend was pregnant. The pregnancy wasn’t planned, our relationship wasn’t even that serious to begin with, but after a lot of talking, we decided to keep it. She’s now six months along. Since then, I’ve started spending more time with her and her son six year old son. The more time I spend around them, the more uncomfortable I get about the idea of her parenting techniques being used on our child.
The way she and her family treat her son really bothers me. She hits him as discipline, and allows her parents to as well. She’s mentioned before that physical discipline is just normal in her family , she was hit as a child, and so were her parents. I just can’t come to terms with that, that’s not how I was raised, and it’s not how I want to raise my children.
Something else that really bothers me is the way she and her family speaks to her son. They constantly say stuff like “man up,” “stop being so sensitive,” “that’s gay,” etc. Just recently he asked if she could paint his nails after watching her paint hers, and she shut him down saying, “No, that’s gay.” I went to a family barbeque of hers, and my girlfriends dad told her son to go play with the boys, and her son says no he wants to play with the girls. Her dad tells him to stop being a “f slur” and go play with the boys.
I don’t believe in hitting kids, I don’t believe in shaming a child for expressing himself and just being a kid. I just don’t think we’re on the same page about parenting at all. I’m scared for my son to grow up being treated like that. How do I approach this?
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Why are her parents spending so much time with her child? Is she an independent adult or does she live in their home? Are you willing and able to provide a home for her?
Jesus you really should have looked at what she was like as a parent before you agreed to be on board with her as a co-parent.
Best I think you can do is sit down with her with a list of ‘Dont even think about it’s and begin documenting all of the horrible things she’s doing with her first child so that you can hopefully get full custody if it comes to that. I would probably tell her that you’ll do it as well- because if nothing else the fact that this is your child too and she must know that legally at least it’s grounds for removal of the child from her custody. Hopefully you can make her see reason but the fact she thinks there’s zero wrong with her abhorrent behaviour makes me think you’re fighting a losing battle there.
Gently ask to talk to her about your view on parenting and ask her to compromise with you
Best you can do is have a strong conversation with her and try to get yourself into a situation where you can potentially try for more custody.
In the future, keep the birth control game tight and try to make sure someone isn’t horrible before you fuck them.
I’m sorry. It sucks knowing someone is going to hurt your kid, but it happens that way sometimes. You do your best whenever the kid is with you. It’s a nightmare, but it’s too late now.
I’m not exactly sure of the best way to approach this, but you’re absolutely in the right here. All it takes is a quick Google search to find the mountain of evidence that using physical discipline on your children leads to negative developmental outcomes. And suppressing behavior that she views as “gay” is blatant homophobia.
There are only 2 possibilities:
Wow, you really should have thought about the fact that you’re raising a child in an abusive family before agreeing to keep it. Poor kid.
Therapy so she can realize everything she views as normal is not
You need to talk to a lawyer about custody and a co-parenting agreement y’all need to set up. You can have no corporal punishment in the agreement.
Updateme
You need to start documenting and recording the child abuse. Because that’s what it is. Then you involve child services, and then you file for full custody. There’s no which way about it
You need to talk to her. Tell her the things that make you uncomfortable and make it clear that you won’t be happy with her doing that to your child. As a single parent to her other son she can choose alone how to parent him, but this time it’s different. You have as much say in how to parent the new baby as she does.
Look into the laws where you are surrounding physical punishment. Where I live hitting your kids is completely illegal, as it should be. If it is where you live make sure she knows that you won’t hesitate to call the police if she or her family ever hits your kid.
Start documenting things. Every cruel comment, every example of what you’d consider bad parenting. Get a lawyer. Make sure that you are building everything you need in case it gets to a point where you want to fight for full custody. But do this discreetly. It’s best not to rock the boat with her too much before the baby comes and you are put on the birth certificate.
Hitting a child is child abuse and the authorities could take away your child. You need a very, very firm conversation about how she treats her son and how unacceptable it is. She suffered abuse from her parents, but it has to end now and she needs to understand how serious it is. And no, you can’t let her do whatever she wants with her son and then insist she is nice to the child you have together. You are now a co-parent to a 6 year old and you have a responsibility.
Get a couples therapist so you can discuss parenting with a professional on board, hopefully that can help and maybe get her to realise she is in a cycle of parental abuse that needs to stop.
And neither child can be alone with her parents, ever.
Gd your gf and her family sound like nightmares I’m not even sure you can unwind that level of toxicity…good luck op
WTF RUN
That’s why you wear a condom
Maybe she will listen to parenting classes or counseling. But do whatever you need to do to ensure your child is not physically hit or raised with homophobic slurs and name calling. Start to document her actions in case you need to go to court to gain full custody of your future child.
Personally I grew up in this type of environment. Lots of hitting and slurs. It’s awful and depressing to see and hear about. My kid does not get hit and no slurs. Sure I get frustrated every now and then and maybe that will reflect poorly on me later on but I do my best to establish general rules and “time outs” or rewards for situations. These are not things my parents ever did. Anyways, I guess what I am trying to get it is you won’t be like them and genuinely show your kid what that side is not like. I would establish some set boundaries and discuss the consequences with both her and her parents if not met. Especially the hitting that can be documented if any marks are left for family court. What will most likely happen is a mediator to establish what is going on before going to family court for full/more custody. Sadly it might have to happen till anything can be done.
This is going to be a train wreck.