I don’t know who else to talk to.
We’ve been together for almost 2 years & were long distance until she got pregnant only a few months after we started dating. It was a shock. We were both young, things were new, and lived in different cities. We went back and forth on decisions on her pregnancy, but ultimately decided to keep our son. We got married while she was 7 months pregnant, and she moved in with me. When our son was born, things were good, but eventually, we started fighting a lot more. It’s to the point where the only thing that we communicate about is our child and nothing else.
My wife’s birthday is next week and she wanted to go back home to celebrate since she hadn’t been home in a long time. Plan is that she goes by herself, stays there for 4 days, and comes back. In our place, we have a den (thats primarily her space). I went to the den a couple days ago and came across an amazon box. I thought it was empty so I was going to trash it, but it had stuff inside.
It had 4 letters, 3 dedicated to my son & 1 to me basically saying goodbye. She thought we’d b better off without her, that I deserved someone better, and that my son needs a better mother. The letters were crinkled, 2 were unfinished, like maybe she started and stopped writing them multiple times.
I haven’t said anything yet and I don’t even know how to. I just have this crushing feeling in my chest. I don’t know if she’s planning to leave next week when she visits her family, or if she was just thinking about leaving and didn’t go through with it. I love her and I’m trying to support her, but she just keeps drifting away and away. I’ve tried to help so many times but she just claims she’s not depressed. I’ve encouraged her to enroll into school, have been setting time to practice driving, but she denies everything.
I mean, what can I do? I’m watching my family fall apart in slow motion and it feels like I can’t stop it.
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leave her first and blindside her!
Sounds like a suicide note. Are you sure is not a suicide note?
Honestly this could be more than just leaving you. Was the tone self-destructive? It does sound like she needs an intervention, and possibly urgently if she’s gone a few days. I would (tactfully) confirm ASAP that she’s actually back home and safe.
Any therapy history? It can really help. Her issues seem to be psychological or psychiatric and bleed over into your relationship.
As much as you can, assure her that her son needs her. Not some other mother; her.
Can you get help from your parents, or her parents?
I think you should tell her what you found.
She needs professional help, OP. Since she’s resistant to therapy, perhaps explain that you inadvertently found the letters and that those letters combined with her general depressive behavior makes you worried. Tell her you want to help her, but what’s going on with her is above your pay grade. Ask her if she will go together with you. Even if she still wants to leave you, getting mental health counseling will help her going forward. Good luck, OP.
Her going home is a trial separation. You don’t have to necessarily tell her you read her letters. Ask her if she can talk with you for a few minutes. Tell her that she seems more distant and depressed. Ask her if she plans on leaving you for good, it’s painful but you need to know. If yes, tell her to use the time at home to really think about things and you don’t want her to leave. You and your child need her. Ask her to go to family counseling with you.
Y’all are…so young. Is there family you both can lean on?
You both have not been functioning as a team and even you recognize that. Yall are young, and stressed no doubt. Maybe this wasn’t meant to work out.
But if you want to make a real effort, you need outside help. Tell her you know things have been bad (you don’t have to mention finding the letters) And you want a good life where you both are happy
Ask her what she needs. Tell her what you need. Ask her if she will do couples therapy with you.
Maybe she’s depressed and needs to see her own therapist.
Just talk to her. If this matters to you, put in some effort to actually change things. Ignoring misery thinking things are just fine is never the way.
She says she’s not depressed, but PPD can happen even a year or more after the baby is born.
Did you do a paternity test? Long distance and she got pregnant….danger danger Will Robinson
She could very possibly have post-partum depression. I’ve had that twice, it’s brutal. If you have contact with her mom, then call her and tell her what you found, and that you’re very concerned about her mental health. Hopefully while she’s back home, her mom/parents can convince her to get some help. Having a kid is so incredibly hard, I can’t imagine having one so young. Tell your wife about what you found, and that you love her very much, and you want to help her get well again, because being as depressed as she is is just not healthy, and you want better for her and for your famil. Good luck!
You married a stranger. Let her go and be prepared to share custody.
Get her help right away. This reads like much more than simply leaving you.
I expected a more normal “my wife has checked out and I found correspondence with a divorce attorney.” That’s not what is happening here. This is 100% something that you should be talking to her and her friends and family about asap.
In short: you’re thinking too much about yourself and not enough about her distress. “I was clearing some trash and came across some letters – let’s talk” is a start to a longer conversation.
I do want to be clear: your goal should not be to convince her to do anything. Don’t go into this trying to get her to stay with you. Your only goal here is to find out what is in her mind and make sure she is making choices in as clear-headed a way as possible.
Oof that is so rough. I’m sorry you’re going through that. I think for now I would wait to see if she brings up the topic with you, and just give her support and space. I think when you reach a point as a parent where you feel like life is easier without the other person then it’s time to find out how to move forward. Her considering leaving her child is wild though. It sounds like she has really low self esteem and self worth right now if she’s at the point where she thinks he can have a better mother. I think right now you just need to prioritize the well being of your son and try to support her in any way you feasibly can. Tell her to take her time at her parents, that her well being is important, and you’re there if she needs you. But I think focusing time on being your best self and as good of a parent as possible for your son is a good start. Maybe she will want to do that same.
Too much, too young, too fast. I’m sorry my dude but it’s highly possible she doesn’t love you or want to be with you anymore. She may have married you and stayed because of the baby, but she’s realised it was a mistake. You need to confront her about what you’ve seen, namely that she can’t abandon her child like that. If she’s set on leaving you, you need a co-parenting plan or she must pay child support to you if you will be a single father.
This sounds exactly like postpartum, if she is close with her mom, call her mom immediately and have mom come to you to see the letters and be there with you when you approach her. She may need to be admitted involuntarily to the hospital.
If she is closer with your mom, have her come. Do the least jolting mom help.
It’s pretty normal that she feels this way. 20 is too young to be settled down married with a kid and she feels overwhelmed. I know you said she doesn’t want therapy but it’s the only thing she can do at this point. Maybe try talking to her family about how bad her mental health has gotten so they can convince her to go to therapy. Also, I hate to be this person. But have you gotten a paternity test? She got pregnant while you guys were long distance. And now she is trying to dump the kid on you and disappear. The smart thing to do is take your feelings out of it and confirm the kid is your
She needs an urgent mental health wellness check please call a doctor she sounds suicidal.
Keep the letters.
Sit her down with them and ask her to explain.
And ask her to be honest.
Sounds like she’s lying to everyone, including herself- especially if she keeps breaking down after promising she isnt depressed (op comments).
Keep the letters. When you have time after your son is down for the night, have an open and honest conversation with her.
UpdateMe
Paternity test asap
Postpartum depression…
So it’s all suicide today
You need to confront her that’s it plain and simple weather you want to or not
Wheat bed this group says so or not
You need to chat to your lawyer about divorce and you need to make a clean break
Modern women, what you’re gonna do? Always looking for greener grass, probably regrets and resents her present life (lifestyle), and likely regrets, blames a d resents you, OP, for you guys getting pregnant, putting her in this situation, thinking she didn’t sign up for this, watching her single’s youth (adventure, fun times), pass her by, longing her freedom of no responsibility but herself and that singles life? But here the thing, these ppl soon realize (unfortunately too late), regrettably, that the grass is only greener where you water it! Sorry OP this is happening to you and your family (child), but sounds like your wife wants out and been checked out for some time, best wishes, sincerely!
Sounds like PPD. She needs help ASAP. Talk to her Mom about what’s going on. You don’t have to tell her about the letters just that she seems like she’s really struggling since she had your son. Her Mom might be able to get through to her. She got pregnant really fast and then only got married because she was pregnant. She clearly wasn’t ready. Did she even want to be a Mom at all? Add possible PPD.