We’ve been together approximately 1.5 years. When it comes to finances I earn nearly twice as much as her. I’ve kind of grown up traditionally so I generally paid for everything (Hawaii trips, Disney trips, food, dates, gifts, etc) and she’d chip in a gift here and there. Throughout our relationship I think I spent nearly 25k on our dating – primarily through vacations.
She recently bought a house on her own – but she’s house broke. The total monthly payment is about 80% of her take home. I don’t live together with her. It’s something she wanted to do for a while ( her parents cosigned and helped with 40% of the down payment).
Since the mortgage, shes somewhat implying through conversations that I need to step up and pay for more things. More gifts for house related things (furniture), still pay for all her trips and help her out with groceries. I on the other hand thought I spent too much on the relationship and wanted to scale back a bit and save more. She thinks I’m being uncaring/unsupportive.
I was still planning on paying for dates/take her on vacations just less often as before. It seems she’s expecting the same frequency and help out with her house. I think receiving gifts is one of her love languages.
How do I tell her that I still value her/see something long term with her while simultaneously not spending as much? Her current asks are beauty related gifts that will probably cost me around 200$/month to maintain on top of housing related expenses. I can afford this but I want to save/invest more. I think the issue is that she knows I can comfortably afford more and doesn’t understand why I want to save/invest.
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I have no advice because I don’t pay to have my relationship . It baffles me how being traditional is basically men paying for access to the woman and the women expecting it. Something ain’t right there.
I think you just have to be calmly upfront with her. That isn’t your home. You aren’t responsible for supporting her. Tell her what your limits are.
Why do you think it will hurt her to say that you don’t see it as your responsibility to buy her $200 a month in beauty-related products/services? (Are you already doing that?) Why are you paying for her groceries? Why are you buying furniture for a house you don’t live in?
“Babe, as you know, I’ve been working on my budget and I am re-doing it to allocate more to savings and less on day to day spending.”
Get ready to get broken up with, though, or better yet, break up with her. She sounds like she believes she’s entitled to your income.
And, to be clear: she didn’t “buy a house on her own” if her parents “cosigned and helped with 40% of the downpayment”.
You are not hurting her by being honest. If she is living beyond her means then she needs to get a better job.
do you have any interest in moving in with her
If you are not married, her expenses are her own.
Only spend what you want and do not be guilted into more.
If her parents helped her with the payment then they can help her with her extra expenses if she needs it.
You are at an age where it is very important to start saving up for retirement. Don’t let your goals go by the wayside for someone else. It will be the #1 thing you regret even IF she’s the one for you.
If she is the one for you, then her financial priorities need to be realigned anyhow.
It sounds as though you really care for your GF. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound as if she is as caring for you and your hard earned money. I think once a house is purchased, the vacations should be dialed WAY back, or you are going to find yourself always heavily in debt and never able to purchase your own house when the time comes that you will want to do so
She sounds like a leech. She doesn’t understand saving because she doesn’t do it herself. She’s 28 this is now a pattern set in her, I would advise instead considering if this is someone you could see yourself maintaining forever.
It’s unclear, did you already have conversations with her about cutting back/saving more? You said she thinks you’re being uncaring/unsupportive is that because she noticed or because you had the conversation?
This is why premarriage counseling is a thing. A professional neutral 3rd person guiding discussions is important. There is no such thing as a perfect partner. If there were, relationships would not need to be worked on. What fun would it be if no conflicts existed? Find a counselor, perhaps you will find your best communication style. Make it fun, but take it seriously.
Who buys a house with the mortgage being 80% her income and that’s with 40% down? That’s bananas she sounds like she has caviar taste on a food stamp budget and also your money is her money and her money is her money. She’s got a great gig, I wouldn’t mind that lol
A mortgage that is 80% of her take-home pay is not sustainable.
You may have to just be blunt and point out that you’re not her sugar daddy, you don’t consider her a sex worker and you rankle at the idea of basically paying for her companionship. The “traditionally” you speak of usually meant that the man would provide the money and the woman would provide everything else. So unless she’s cooking all your meals and doing your laundry she’s not doing this relationship “traditionally” and perhaps you shouldn’t either.
Oh hell naw! Your going with a leech you thinks of you as a ATM! Reevaluate this relationship her parents bought the house not her !
You tell her that you have a budget for dates, fun, and gifts and that you would appreciate it if she’d respect that.
She’s an adult. She can’t role play as a homeowner/independent woman while being financially babied. She needs to grow up
Normally when you buy a house, you scale back on vacations for several years. If she expects you to buy furniture and other house items (a total over-reach request btw) she should expect a curtailing of trips to compensate.
Honestly anyone dumb enough to commit to spending 80% (!!) of their income on their house, may not be the best equipped to have financial discussions with. I wouldn’t worry about hurting her feelings. She is trying to guilt you into financing her lifestyle. Doesn’t that hurt your feelings?
First of all, love languages are a BS concept – look up the history.
Second of all, buying a house and expecting your partner to support you and not understand the point of saving and investing shows a significant immaturity.
You two are in very different places – maturity-wise, value-wise, expectation-wise. it’s possible that your relationship isn’t sustainable unless either of you completely changes (not compromises, but significantly changes) their approach to life.
You’re a 30yo guy who doesn’t know how to have a grown up conversation with your 28yo girlfriend? Cmon now. If you’re too scared to even do this one simple thing of discussing finances then you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Simple as that. Tell her how you see things and feel. Let her rebuttal. Come to compromise or don’t and breakup.
House related things are absolutely not your problem.
Beauty costs- would you criticise her if she didn’t keep up with them? If yes then consider paying. If no then also not your problem.
Bruh, run. It’s not even about her being a gold-digger, she just straight up doesn’t have any financial sense and you’re already enabling it.
Cannot imagine expecting someone else to subsidize my lifestyle. It’s one thing to ask for help when you need it, but expecting your partner to pay for your $200 skincare is spoiled brat territory. My parents would be ashamed of that were me.
How on earth did she get financed with that loan to income ratio?
Stop being afraid of hurting her, and tell her the truth: she’s not entitled to expect you to subsidize a lifestyle that she can’t afford herself. It’s one thing to go on romantic getaways together, but it’s anotber thing when part of your paycheck becomes her operating budget.
I suggest you read The Millionaire Next Door by Thomas Stanley and then consider that mommy and daddy subsidizing 40% of that house means they had a voice in picking the neighborhood, yhey have a voice in her finances… and this pattern WILL ABSOLOUTELY continue. She’s a puppet on their purse strings.
She wants you to be her next caretaker as mommy and daddy are probably not funding her after that big purchase… she hadn’t had to learn financial independence and responsibility.
Speaking as a 57 year old woman… $200-400 a MONTH? For skincare? That’s ridiculous! That’s way beyond necessity, that’s luxury pampering. In other words: that’s a lifestyle choice not a cost of living expense. It’s much eadier for her to demand you puck up her tab, at your ecpense, and to your own detriment, that it is for her to google about drugstore dupes. She’s wasting your resources instead of bothering to budget her own. Tip of the iceburg for a huge underlying problem of her approach to financial responsibility… and I bet her parents set her up so that she’d “learn” how. There’s no magic apron… learning budgetinh and frugality is an adult lifeskill. She doesnt know how to use this tremendous priviledged stsrt theyve given her.
You’ve talked about a potential future with her, it’s time to tell her that this next year is a TEST. Can she manage a household of her own? Without you subsidizng her standard of living whatsoever. There are TRUE red flags in her spending patterns and her emotional expectations that she can leech off others and it’s acceptable behavior.
Start saving your money. Stop being sugar daddy and start accumulating wealth and building a foundation for your life, instead of displaying the flash of a “wealthy lifestyle”. And do it intentionally. If it weeds her out? You dodged a bullet. She’s not a fit partner “gor better and worse, ticher and poorer” until she learns some self discipline.