It’s my 35th anniversary and I’m mad that it seems like everybody knows something I don’t. It seems like everybody knew better than to fall in love like this, everybody except me and My Darling. We were just oblivious with each other. 35 years is my wedding anniversary. We were in love for two years before that, but I was smarter back then because I had my guard up. After a failed marriage, I kept my heart locked down. But My Darling just kept on being kind. He kept on being a best friend. He kept on showing up. He just… kept on being there and suddenly I realized I had no choice-He forced me to love him.
Why am I angry? Why do I want to slap myself for not being better by now? I want to slap myself for falling in love like that. What fool does that? 37 years is over half of my life, half of my life that I spent walking in the peaceful protected world that he created around me. And now he is departed almost 2 years ago. And I feel like the grief should’ve loosened its grip by now, but instead, I’m still in love, still angry because it feels like the price of true love is this grief.
37 years of walking under the canopy of his love and I’m supposed to do fucking what right now?
TL;DR:
My husband and I were together 37 years. He passed almost 2 years ago. Today is our 35th wedding anniversary. I’m not just grieving—I’m angry. Angry that I loved him so deeply, angry that I’m not “better” by now, and angry that it feels like everyone else knew not to fall in love this way. What do I do with this pain?
Comments
I hope I find that one day.
You can grieve as long as you need. There is no limit. However a therapist could help if you want active ways to help with it.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I highly recommend therapy, perhaps somatic therapy to help process your grief. Anger is very much a part of grieving. Grieving has no timeline and it’s not linear. It ebbs and flows over time. If you feel it and work through it, it will tend to lessen but it can also get all tangled up in you and then it will either stay or grow over time.
Hi friend. I’m sure most people are going to suggest grief counseling or speaking to a therapist, but I acknowledge how frustrating that advice can be for many reasons, and maybe you’ve already tried that. So instead, I’ll just say that what you’re going through really f’ing sucks and I’m sorry. I can’t really imagine losing my partner. We don’t have kids and I’m estranged from my family, so he’s really all i’ve got. I often have dark thoughts about what I’d do if he passes before me. I think I’d be a lot like you. They say that the depth of grief is equal to the depth of love, and that it’s better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all…. but I see you, and your feelings are valid. In so many ways, life is more devastating than death. Sending you a big hug.
I encourage you to speak with a therapist. Grief takes many forms and moves at its own pace. You are only hurting yourself by judging how you are feeling. I wish you the best.
Happy Anniversary; we should all be so lucky to have found/experienced/felt love like that. I am sorry you did not get more time; I’d be pissed, too.
There is no way out but through. Grief isn’t linear. It grips you and squeezes. Sometimes it squeezes harder, sometimes softer, sometimes it’s barely cupping you at all but you can still feel the touch.
There’s no cure, no timeline, no promise of ever being free. But it will change. It will always and forever be changing. Sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I’ve been with my spouse for 32 years (married 28) and while we know one of us is going to have to be the one left behind, we can barely stand to contemplate it. We feel like two halves of a whole now. I can’t imagine how difficult this is.
The Mourner’s Bill of Rights
My therapist gave me that after my dad passed. It helps sometimes, to remind yourself it’s okay to give yourself space to grieve whenever you need to. It demands to be felt, it’s normal to feel this pain.