My cousin decided to have a destination wedding that would have various events going on in the days leading up to the wedding. My siblings and I all have kids and most of these activities are adult only. So originally my husband and I planned not to bring ours.
However, my brother and his wife planned on bringing their two kids. My sister (who is single) planned on bringing her daughter as well. Without our involvement they worked out a plan to take turns watching the kids so they could each attend half of the events.
Later on we decided we were going to bring our kids after since all the others were coming. We didn’t want to miss any of the activities though so we paid for our nanny to come on the trip with us.
My brother’s in-laws had a family emergency so he and his wife and kids ended up not coming on the trip at all. My sister assumed that we would just take turns with her watching the kids because she knew by then that we were bringing ours, but didn’t know we were bringing our nanny. So she still brought our daughter.
She thought it would still be okay because our nanny could just watch her daughter too. Our nanny said no because she is not comfortable watching another kid (one she doesn’t know) in an unfamiliar setting. We thought that was perfectly understandable. My sister didn’t, but she didn’t push it. She still thinks we should take turns watching the kids though since we’re the only ones with kids and our nanny can be there to help out whoever is watching the kids.
We don’t really want to do that though. We paid a lot to bring our nanny along with us specifically so we wouldn’t have to miss any of the activities. We will of course be spending time with our kids during the trip. Just not during the activities that they can’t attend.
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/ThinkAnnual466:
My cousin decided to have a destination wedding that would have various events going on in the days leading up to the wedding. My siblings and I all have kids and most of these activities are adult only. So originally my husband and I planned not to bring ours.
However, my brother and his wife planned on bringing their two kids. My sister (who is single) planned on bringing her daughter as well. Without our involvement they worked out a plan to take turns watching the kids so they could each attend half of the events.
Later on we decided we were going to bring our kids after since all the others were coming. We didn’t want to miss any of the activities though so we paid for our nanny to come on the trip with us.
My brother’s in-laws had a family emergency so he and his wife and kids ended up not coming on the trip at all. My sister assumed that we would just take turns with her watching the kids because she knew by then that we were bringing ours, but didn’t know we were bringing our nanny. So she still brought our daughter.
She thought it would still be okay because our nanny could just watch her daughter too. Our nanny said no because she is not comfortable watching another kid (one she doesn’t know) in an unfamiliar setting. We thought that was perfectly understandable. My sister didn’t, but she didn’t push it. She still thinks we should take turns watching the kids though since we’re the only ones with kids and our nanny can be there to help out whoever is watching the kids.
We don’t really want to do that though. We paid a lot to bring our nanny along with us specifically so we wouldn’t have to miss any of the activities. We will of course be spending time with our kids during the trip. Just not during the activities that they can’t attend.
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YTA do people even like their own family damn
NTA. This is pretty simple: not your kids, not your problem. You came up with a solution for your childcare issue, your sister should do the same.
ESH. Your cousin for planning a destination wedding, and you and your sister for bringing kids to it.
I suspect if your sister is single, she will play the limited finances card and expect you, as you have a nanny, to help out family on your dime.
It comes down to either: a) nanny cost sharing with your sister for her actual costs to attend (if your nanny agrees), or sister having to look after her kid solely.
You didn’t agree to sit out on wedding activities to look after her kid.
If there are other family attending the wedding, she can approach them to see if they could assist.
NTAH. You had enough foresight to arrange for childcare on the trip so that you could attend all of the events. Your sister and your ILs had a deal worked out, but that deal fell through, and so your sister was responsible for arranging backup childcare. She doesn’t get to mooch off of you because she neglected her responsibility.
Besides, not only is your nanny not required to watch your nephew for the reasons she listed (which I agree are all reasonable), YOU PAID FOR HER ATTENDANCE. Your sister did not contribute to the cost and you’re not an AH for utilizing the resources you supplied to enjoy your trip the way you wanted and planned to.
Anyone who disagrees can volunteer to watch your nephew instead.
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NTA. You took care of your kids, she is responsible for hers.
NTA
That’s honestly pretty weird that your nanny isn’t comfortable watching another kid. I understand wanting more money for adding another child but not feeling capable or comfortable? I’d be questioning my nannys skills for sure.
NTA
I would offer to have your niece for a couple of activities youre doing with your kids though.
You get to do all the adult events as per your planning but you get to give sil a chance to have a child free chill on her own – go for a spa or chill on the beach
I am probably going to have a different opinion. While overall I think NTA, I think it could shade more that you are slightly if you knew the plan to split plans with your siblings and didn’t voice anything, if you hid the fact that you were bringing your nanny, if you didn’t communicate that your nanny didn’t feel comfortable watching her daughter, etc. While I don’t think you should be responsible, it also sounds like most of the issues comes down to communication and y’all should have communicated to each other what your perceived expectations were and not assuming.
NTA. You took care of your kids and your sister can take care of her own.
NTA. Your sister assumed, and she found out what happens when you do that. She should have confirmed what you were doing for the trip, asked if your nanny could watch her child, and then decided what to do. She could have tried introducing her child to your nanny ahead of time to see if she would be comfortable watching them during the trip, but she didn’t. That is all on her.
NTA. She should be able to get a list of babysitters from the resort. You planned. She didn’t. That’s not your issue to resolve.
NTA. You arranged for care. She didn’t. That is just life. She is a parent and her child is her responsibility.
Tell your sister, “I’m sure the resort has a nanny service. Go hire one?” It’s really not that complicated for her to fix. Nta
She could look into local child care. Does the hotel offer such services?
NTA – as many have stated, her childcare issue is not your issue. Her plan fell through, she should’ve made other arrangements and not assumed anything. Your nanny already said no, rightfully. If your sister needs help, well she can ask anyone that criticizes you. If they are so open with their criticism, they should be the solution.
Are you not close to your sister? Or is there a history of overstepping/mooching or something? I get that you made expensive arrangements, but to me, I can’t imagine putting multiple adult wedding events over my single parent sister. You can’t skip a single one?? Pick the lamest and let your poor sister attend
Edited to say, I know everyone is all “well she should’ve planned.” She did though, and her plan just fell through. Y’all are cold.
Nta, your sister assumed too much
Where is she telling you that you will watch her kid half of the time when you have provided childcare for your kids for the whole time? That doesn’t make any sense.
Why isn’t she telling anybody else who’s attending that they will be watching her child?
She’s doing this to you because she thinks she can get away with it. It’s the only reason she chose you.
NTA
This is on her for not checking ahead of time that the nanny would agree. She is also wrong to just assume that you would miss events because of her decision. She has no right to be upset with you. If she’s going to be upset with anyone it should be the sister that bailed on the trip all together and put her in this situation.
NTA
💅🏼 you had the money to pay for a nanny and that sucks for your sister. It sounds like she’s really really bad at communicating.
Years ago, my whole family went on a cruise. My sister Rebecca had three kids under the age of eight.
She decided in her head that we were all gonna contribute and help watch her children. Which I told her was not going to happen very early on in her pregnancy with the first one, cause I know how she is. I spent our whole childhood walking and taking care of her dog. And every other pet she had.
I didn’t have any kids, one of my siblings had preteens and teenagers, another had step kids that were older, so no one had very young kids. So all of their kids didn’t need watching, cause they hung out at the kids club on the cruise or were able to do their own thing or just hang out with us adults without it being a problem.
It caused a literal meltdown where my sister and her husband were screaming at people, were showing up, trying to get us to watch the kids. They missed out on so many of the paid activities because they didn’t wanna leave their kids at home… When there was someone willing to watch them during the cruise
It’s not your fault someone decided to not communicate with you
I’m sure there are activities some relatives won’t choose to participate in. Perhaps sis can avail upon them to watch nephew or skip that activity. Leave nephew home with in-laws if possible
Another sibling babysitting story at a destination wedding…
Most resorts have Kids’ Clubs and/or can arrange private babysitting services. So, your sister has an option. Don’t let her bully you.
NTA your sister should have put on her big girl under grunders and used her words to discuss childcare arrangements with you before the trip. Her assumptions are not your problem and good on the nanny for saying no to something she’s uncomfortable with.
NTA, you took care of your responsibilities. She can take care of hers. Otherwise what was even the point of bringing your nanny?
NTA
“If we wanted to take turns watching kids, we wouldn’t have gone through the effort and expense of bringing our nanny.”
Her childcare issues and lack of planning are not your problem.
Obviously NTA, but it’s crazy to me that she just expected that you would take over your BILs work of child care without ever talking about it
NTA. Not your kids, not your responsibility. You sorted childcare for your own kids for the times they can’t be with you. It’s on your sister to do the same for her kid. Either she brings the kid with no childcare set up and therefore misses all the adult-only activities, or she pays for childcare for her daughter so she can attend at least some of them. It’s not on you to watch her kid and miss out when you went out of your way to make sure your kids were taken care of so you could attend all the activities.
Make it clear to your sister that both of you will be attending all the adult-only activities while your nanny watches your kids, and she won’t be changing her mind on taking an additional, unknown kid on during this time. If sis wants to attend these activities, she’ll have to sort out alternative childcare. Make sure your nanny knows she can refuse to watch sis’ kid, as well, she can take your kids out if that’s necessary to avoid having the extra kid dumped on her. Because I wouldn’t be surprised if sis tried to just leave her kid with your nanny anyway. You can even advise the nanny to call the cops with a child abandonment report if such an attempt is made.