TL;DR My gf (4 years, we live together) keeps saying very blunt things that hurt my feelings, that I feel like she wouldn’t say if she knew me better.
A trivial example I can give is she offered to put the groceries away with me after shopping, something I greatly appreciate, as I often do it alone and was feeling pretty under the weather that day (weak from physical work and other life woes).
A few minutes later, she got really freaked out and worried about finishing work on an important work project and how she needed to start immediately and suddenly asked if it was ok if she didn’t help with the groceries.
Well, I was pretty offended! It’s something that really helps me out and that I appreciate, that doesn’t take a lot of time. Putting away the groceries together usually takes 10 minutes or less, and she had all day to work on the project. I told her that i was offended by her question and she was shocked! She “just wanted to ask” and didn’t understand why I would be offended by her just asking!
This exact scenario has played out at least 50 times over the course of our relationship over trivial matters like this AND much bigger parts of our lives, but it’s always the same: She makes a very blunt statement or asks a question I consider insensitive, has no idea it would upset me (and is confused it does), says she’ll try not to do it again.
It’s weird because it just feels like she… doesn’t know me at all? Or understands what upsets me? Is she just not thinking about other factors when speaking? Am I overreacting, and how can I stop immediately being offended by questions she thinks are innocent? She is so doting and wonderful and caring otherwise, which is what makes this so tough and confusing 🙁
Comments
Instead of being offended, could you just have said “no, I’d much rather you help, it won’t take long”? And then finished the groceries before she moved on? You make it sound like she’s insulting you but she sounds like she’s just scattered and has a hard time prioritizing tasks. You’re making it about you when it could be about how her brain works. You escalated the situation by taking such offense to a question, derailing the original inquiry and task, when you could have easily answered “no” and provided clear communication.
So it’s repetitive arguments, aligning with the fact
that basic household chores in general or partnership responsibilities aren’t that equally shared? And your girlfriend often commits or verbally agrees, and then tries to get out of it halfway through or similar?
Does your girlfriend have normal social cues or show signs of having a psychological differences that would cause conflict through different social reactions?
Or is she trying to back out of tasks she doesn’t want to do and coming up with any excuse?
Try to communicate calm and straightforward, and look for the cause of her behavior. Explain more detail of the repeat pattern to her. The only way to fix this is communication or if she decides to.
She sounds kind of self centered. Only worried about what she has on her own plate. It also seems like she might not be thinking about how what she’s saying is being taken by you, and that if she doesn’t find it offensive, then it’s not. I’d try to talk more about what you both expect from a partnership
What other questions does she ask? That’s not overly blunt so much as disappointing if you’re expecting help when it’s needed and gets removed last second for a seemingly arbitrary reason. The post seems to be about something else though rather than a thoughtless gesture revoked.