I’m 33 and I’ve been dating my girlfriend (28) for over a year now, and except for my birthday, she has never offered to pay for a single meal (or for anything really, except for a cup of coffee every now and then). This is starting to really bother me, and I’m wondering if my feelings are valid or if I’m overreacting.
For context, she has a job and earns her own money, so it’s not like she’s unable to contribute. But every time we go out, she seems to expect me to cover the bill without question. I’ve noticed she never even makes a gesture to offer, like reaching for her wallet or suggesting we split the check. I feel like she sees me as a “provider,” which might make sense in a marriage or a more traditional dynamic, but we’re just dating. To me, it feels one-sided and unfair.
I don’t expect her to pay for every meal or even half, but I think offering every 4-5 meals or so would show some gratitude and mutual effort in the relationship. The fact that she hasn’t offered at all in over a year feels like a red flag to me. I’m starting to question if this is a sign of deeper issues, like entitlement or a lack of respect for me.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Are my feelings valid, or am I making too big a deal out of it? How can I bring this up with her without causing a fight? I’d really appreciate any advice on how to approach this or if I should see this as a bigger warning sign.
TL;DR: I’ve been dating my girlfriend (28) for over a year, and aside from my birthday, she’s never offered to pay for anything—not even a casual meal. She has a job, so it’s not about money. It’s starting to feel one-sided and makes me question if she sees me as just a provider. Are my feelings valid, and how can I bring this up without starting a fight?
Comments
You started doing this in the beginning. How is she supposed to know if your feelings have changed if you don’t communicate it to her. Unmet expectations is one of the most difficult things in relationship. Because people don’t say what their expectations are.
Being a provider is a valuable role. I don’t think my now wife offered to pay beyond the first date as a gesture, and I don’t mind it at all.
There’s something nice about traditional dating.
Have you ever mentioned it? Do you know the income difference between you two? Who’s suggesting eating out?
My ex and I would use an app to split things fairly based on income.
However she may be of the belief that men provide and if he doesn’t he’s not serious. Some people subscribe to that thought.
Personally I try to pay usually or every so often, but if he’s the one always suggesting to go places he will pay.
We need more context. Also a simple conversation about money is fine.
Your feelings are valid. It’s 2025, so long gone is the time to be acting like this. I am a woman and I split the bills 50/50 with my partner. If you make a lot more than her, you should cover more often, but if you make similar income, you should split.
This is a major red flag and your feelings are valid. Be careful because if you live together, you’ll pay all the bills in the house.
Im assuming y’all never really talked about this in clear terms and kind of just fell into this dynamic. I’d say your feelings are valid, and you’re feeling a little used because she never asked if youd like her to pitch in.
I dont think this is a warning sign, but you should talk to her and there may be a warning sign depending on her reaction.
Talk to her!!! Using words!!
You’re her free taxi bro (faketaxiship)
Are you two playful and sarcastic… if so, start making comments about her taking you out somewhere nice, or you getting dolled up for her when she plans to woo you. Maybe throw in a wine dine 69 comment if you two are playful. Just keep throwing it out there. If she doesn’t pick it up… she doesn’t want to.. then try a more serious convo
It is normal these days to shoulder the financial burden when dating after the first few dates.
I would ask her to pay every other date. If she says no, then you need to make a decision.
You need to talk to her and then based on the discussion, decide what you want to do. If she never wants to pay for anything then you need to reflect if you’re okay with that. My partner tends to pay when we go out, with me covering occasionally, but I do a lot of home cooked meals for us so it balances out in the end. Your feelings are valid in this but often times these conversations don’t go well, people often don’t like the financial talk but it’s better to do it now rather than let resentment build.
Option 1. Talk to her
Option 2. Dump her
I think to a lot of people in a heterosexual relationship, it’s normal that the man typically pays for dates. That in and of itself shouldn’t be a “red flag” if you haven’t had a conversation about it. It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s using you in and of itself.
If you have different expectations, you need to talk with her about it!
I would also pose the question: does she contribute to the relationship in other ways? For example, in this type of dynamic where the man typically pays for dates, on the flip side the woman will often do more acts of “caretaking” like doing most of the cooking when eating at home, doing most of the cleaning/chores, etc.
If you’re the one paying for everything and doing everything, yeah, that’s a red flag.
If you’re paying for everything but she’s contributing a lot in other ways, that’s not a red flag. If you’re not happy with things continuing on that way, and want to split things up more evenly both financially and in other realms of the relationship, then just talk with her about it. She can’t read your mind. Just understand that in that scenario, it’s only fair for you to take on additional responsibilities in the relationship too. It can’t be “gf, please continue doing everything for me, and also start paying for our dates sometimes”. In that case, you would be the red flag.
So basically like everyone else here has said, there’s a lot of context missing here, but without context and without communicating with her about it, this is not inherently some type of irreparable red flag behavior.
well….. talk to her before coming to reddit? or at least ask for advice on how to approach her about this.
So like..talk to her?
Hey babe, let’s talk about money & equity in our relationship. How do you see things? Ive noticed I pay for all dates, outings etc so far and wanna make sure we’re on the same page about it moving forward. I’d like to go 50/50 or something similar. What do you think?
And then you know, listen to what she says. Ask questions to clarify you understand. Offer compromises, if any exist. Then decide if youre good with it not.
Not if it’s a precedent you set.
Talk to her before assigning intentions that she may not even have shown you outside of this very specific context.
Don’t make her into some awful human in your head before even doing that much.
You should definitely have a conversation but also note any income differences (splitting on percentage is a better way to split), AND understand if you have certain aesthetic expectations for your partner, that costs.
I don’t think men should pay all the time but it is real frustrating to just spend more on average being a well groomed woman.
Our clothes, makeup, skincare, hair care/cuts, hygiene products, etc etc etc adds up a lot.
I’m pretty high maintenance so my constant upkeep spending is: nails, hair, skincare, derm, dry cleaning… and these aren’t fun spending, it’s just upkeep costs.
It’s expensive being a woman, I’m grateful to my partner 🙏
Talk to her about this, because if you get into an argument and tell her this withouth having told her about this previously, is going to hurt more
You need to talk to her. We don’t know what’s going on.