I married my wife 4 years ago but while we were engaged I was caught keeping up with previous love interests, and while she was pregnant found me sending explicit photos.
This occurred while we were engaged, not married, so the timeline is clear.
Since then I have turned my life around, got out of the military and work a great job that allows my wife to go to school and stay at home with our 2 children. If there’s anything not even she can take from me(not that she tried to) is that I’m an amazing provider and great father. I love my family.
recently we had a scary discussion. she brought up that the amount of resentment she holds for me is outweighing the amount I’ve grown as a man and father. She says she would like time away from me and I’m scared that this is the end of the road for us.
I’m so insanely in love with her and i do the most I can for our family and I’ve had such confidence in that, until our recent conversation.
Should I keep trying to fix my mistakes from 4 years ago, or should I let my wife leave me before things get awful? And can you please add any helpful insight, thank you.
(Reuploaded but summarized and more structured.)
Comments
Suggest you go to a marriage counselor to work through your issues. If you love her, fight for her.
Are you the father and provider you believe you are?
You didnt mention what an amazing husband you are. Are you prioritizing your marriage?
Been there before once they say they need time away it’s usually over. Mine did this at the 6 year mark and then suddenly everything was ok till the 7th year mark. Turns out her mom told her to stay for my pension and during that year she was fucking other dudes
If you’ve truly made an honest attempt owning up for something you did 4 years ago and this person is still holding it over your head….
May not be salvageable, my friend. It may be time to let her go.
Good luck to you man 🙁
u/CameraInevitable8364 thank you for owning your past. That takes humility. And I hear how much you love your wife and your kids. It is clear to me that you’ve grown—but it sounds like the healing in her heart hasn’t caught up with the change in yours.
My thought? Don’t walk away just because it’s hard. Keep fighting for your family. Not with pressure or performance—but with patience, presence, and prayer. You can’t rewrite the past, but you can become the kind of man who brings peace into the home every day and in the future.
This might be the fire where your love is refined—not lost.
Keep going.
Why weren’t you as inlove with her back when you decided it was a good idea to cheat on her? See unlike her, i wouldn’t have ever given you a chance to even finish your sentence, once i discovered what you were doing you’d be gone… so… i can certainly understand her resentment and unfortunately that won’t ever change it will always be there and every move you make will make her uneasy and sus… some people need to learn that certain mistakes cant be undone or taken back. Just because you changed or think you changed doesn’t mean the trust is restored from her perspective. Im sorry. Im not saying you’re a bad guy or anything…. Just explaining that to the person who’s been cheated on…. The trust isn’t ever fully restored
Here’s my thing, from the outside looking in it looks like yall stayed together bc she was pregnant. It’s good that you’re maturing but cheating on your pregnant fiancé is beyond shitty. Before anyone says anything, cheating is doing anything that shows feelings of interest in another person. Rather it be physical or conversation that’s drawing emotional attention etc. (y’all know what I’m saying) imo that’s permanent damage. It’s your marriage and you should give it another shot and work at it but if she wants time away imo that’s code for (I want to be away so I can figure out my situation and plan for leaving you) sorry man just my opinion.
Once trust is broken, it’s hard to trust again. She may never be able to feel the same way about you, no matter how hard you try. Therapy for both of you is probably necessary is she thinks there’s a chance to salvage the relationship. Maybe some time away will be good for her. If you are able to keep it all together while she’s gone, it might help to heal those old wounds. I think you owe her the time away to examine how she feels about everything and give her some breathing room.
Trust is built by drops, and lost by buckets.
You broke her trust, twice. It’ll take years, like 10 years for her to actually fully trust you again. And truthfully, she’s right to not trust you right now. Anyone can do anything for a short amount of time.
The other comments are correct, show her you’re trying to change and doing all you can by going to a marriage counselor. You don’t get to fast track this, this is the consequence of your actions. Just because it’s in the past for you doesn’t mean it’s not something she’s thought about every single day.
You hurt her, you broke her trust, you have to live with that. Part of living that is accepting that she might never get over it.
There’s no one else to blame by yourself, and seems like you know that. So the next steps are to do the marriage counseling.
Well dude, you fucked up big time. And even more so when you decided to stay in the relationship because resentment will always be there. At this point you ask yourself do you really want to be with your wife? Then you need to put in the work which will take probably your whole life and even still good chance she doesn’t forgive you. But that’s the bed you made for yourself. There is no fixing the horrible thing you’ve done, the only thing you can do now is put every bit of effort you have back into your relationship to prove you actually care about them. And once again, even after all the years of work; there’s a good chance she’ll never forgive you. honestly, I hope that she doesn’t.
Yep!
She’s checking out.
See if she’s interested in “going out”?
If not, ask anyway, but she may be dating others as well..
You sound gross and honestly I don’t blame your wife. You came on here trying to justify cheating by saying it was while you were engaged and not married, and then continued to try justifying it by bragging about how good of a provider you are.
Marriage is about love and trust, not what you can give her. You broke her trust and at this point she’s justified in her feelings.
If your wife loves you enough to keep trying then you need therapy, both couples and individual. Your justification of your actions are a massive red flag and means you’re very prone to do it again.
If she asked for space, give it to her. DO NOT SLEEP WITH ANYONE else, or sext or dm or whatever other gross outlet people use to say “well it wasn’t technically cheating.” Remind her of your love and commitment for her and that you will continue to work on yourself and do just that. You didn’t respect her boundaries of commitment before but you can respect her desire for space now. Make it clear that this is a break not a breakup. You are still fully committed to her and expect this break will lead to healing for you both. Ask to go to therapy, for dates, or anything else she and you both might need to heal as a couple and ultimately a family.
You talk about how you’re a great provider and a great father. How would you say you are as a husband?
Your only real step here is marriage counseling, if your wife is amenable.
You need to talk to your wife. I would have already left you. Cheater
She fixed you. She liked the drama. Start keeping up with your ex’s again.
Marriage seems like it going to be the most amazing thing and it is until you go past a certain stage . At that point you need to work on understanding yourself as well as your partner . We all come with baggage! There is a book about love language which is incredibly important in its message. Telling each other your love language and fulfilling each other’s language can make an incredible positive impact . We all feel as though we are not appreciated enough . Filling that need with your partner is really not that hard . I think after many years of marriage I have come to think If we treated each other as well as we treat strangers Things would be very smooth ..